Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Carols?

I have a few issues with Christmas carols I'd like to talk about. For instance, in Jingle Bells why, exactly, is it FUN to go riding in a one-horse open sleigh? For those of you who are AWARE that there is a second verse to this song, it clearly states that those riding in the sleigh ended up with a face full of snow after being tossed from said carraige! "We got into a drifting bank, and we, we got upsot!" (Upsot? WTF?). I'm not seeing the fun here.

Take Deck the Halls. What exactly IS gay apparel? Comfortable shoes? (that was for you, Amy). Perhaps a festive Christmas sweater worn by a guy named Ivan who talks with a wee bit of a lisp? Or leather chaps? I need some clarification here.

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? It's about bullying, up until the point that the fat man NEEDED something and then, oh sure, Rudolph is all cool now. Hypocrites!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Just proves you have to be VERY careful in your extramarital forays. You never know when those little bastards are going to sneak down the stairs and take photos of you and the fat man which they will then sell to the tabloids.

We Need a Little Christmas? Seriously, this song is about someone with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) who absolutely, positively MUST have some Christmas cheer (not that I'm a doctor or anything, but I think Prozac would work better in this situation). I mean, truly, this person is ON THE EDGE and someone needs to talk her down and fast. (Holding out candy cane tentatively, cooing reassurances while the negotiator gives instructions over the phone......)

Santa Claus is Coming to Town? This one is certain to freak kids out the world over. First of all, you must adhere to all these demands (no crying for instance) or it's nothin' for you, kid! Then, you have to sleep with one eye open because the fat guy is WATCHING you while you sleep. And he knows everything about you! I'm thinking cyber-stalker, pedophile, or as my children like to say "creeper"!

Carol of the Bells? There's just something disturbing about that song, as catchy as it is. The frantic crescendo, the super fast singing. It's just a metaphor for the season....."buy everything, wrap it all up, shop till you drop, spend all your bucks, bake all night long, sing Christmas songs, CHRISTMAS DESPAIR, FILLING THE AIR.....". See what I mean? It's just frantic and stressful.

Holly, Jolly Christmas? It's about drinking. "I don't know if there'll be snow, but have a cup of cheer!" Yeah, whatever. No snow? In debt? Stressed out? Have a little Christmas cheer - pick your poison.

And then there's Must Be Santa. This song is totally misleading. Talk about misidentification! "Who's got a beard that snowy white?" (my dad). "Who comes around on a special night?" (my dad) "Who's got a great big cherry nose?" (my dad) "Who laughs this way, ho ho ho?" (my dad)....."must be Santa?" Sounds a lot like my dad. Hey, wait a minute............


Julie said...

OMG, you are hysterical! Is alcohol involved when you write these things? Hope you're having a great holiday season! Thanks for the laugh!!!

jeff said...

No comments? Very funny and clever indeed:)

Mary-Leah said...

No alcohol, I don't need no stinkin' alcohol to be funny!!!