Oh Shade. Your antics fail to amuse me. It's bad enough that you snuffle through the garbage looking for candy wrappers to lick. It's worse that you eat strange substances, many of them unidentifiable. Like a couple of weeks ago when you barfed on my bathroom floor and something that looked like an SOS pad sat in a puddle of puke. We don't even have SOS pads. Then, yesterday, when you started to make that sound that strikes terror into the hearts of dog owners everywhere....that sloshy, choky sound that means within seconds something is going to be covered in barf. Oh, I tried my best! I rushed you to the door, but my fingers slipped while trying to open it and I was too late. You splashed dog barf on my carpet, my hardwood floor, and worse, my feet! I had to shower. But first I had to pull the huge rug onto the porch to hose off the big chunks. I really don't care if I ever see that rug again. But tonight, your boldness took on a whole new level. I slipped a few tortillas out of the package to heat for our burrito dinner. I turned around and suddenly felt a strange tugging sensation. Thinking one of the kids was taking the tortillas out of my hand, I turned around again, and imagine my surprise when it was YOU, helping yourself to a bite of tortilla stack. It was like a shark bite in a surfboard.......the whole stack had a crescent-shaped bite mark and YOU, you had the guilty look of a dog who knows when he's gone too far! Some penance in the garage and you started barking incessantly. We finally caved and let you in. Clearly, you are unreformable. Because upon your release, you promptly trotted to the kitchen to put your nose on the countertop looking for scraps. Bad dog, Shade! Bad dog!