Here's a secret. I like "staying home". Not in the sense that I'm home all the time but in the sense of being a "stay at home mom" which is, in itself, a misnomer, because, really, how many moms do you know who stay home all the time? No, it means a mother who does not work for pay outside the home. And that not working for pay part sucks, let me tell you, I have not been called ALL WEEK for a sub job so there goes any income I was going to provide the household this week. All hope is not lost, though, I got called for a market research study last night for which I will be paid $100! Woo-hoo, grocery money. But money woes aside, I do not mind at all the days I'm home and doing nothing but being a domestic goddess.
This morning I was able to put some pork and BBQ sauce in the crock pot for some delicious pulled pork later tonight. I have the whole day ahead of me to do whatever needs to be done. And the truth is, there's so much to be done, I could "stay home" for a year and never get it all done. So, even when I'm not working, my days are full and busy, and I end up going to bed with things still on my "to do" list. Having this extra time is a blessing in a way, because even though I'm not working for pay at the moment, I have a clean fridge. Do you know how long it's been since I really cleaned the fridge? And I was able to do a bunch of annoying laundry like blankets and sheets, stuff that gets pushed into a pile and sits forever (because we have other sheets and blankets, so who wants to do all that laundry?). I make my bed every day just so it looks nice. I don't have to panic because it's Harrison's birthday tomorrow and I don't have time to do everything because I'm at work. I have plenty of time to wrap presents, decorate, make cupcakes, etc. The feeling of not having to feel rushed or pulled in too many directions is worth more than a paycheck.
Still, we need the paycheck, so I can't enjoy this feeling without a little knot in my stomach worrying about money. How I wish we were "comfortable" instead of living paycheck to paycheck (and using credit cards in between to make up the shortfall), but at least I am able to shop using coupons, cut back by cooking at home, and try to make money by saving money. It's not easy, and I'm always looking for the perfect job, but so far, no dice. I'm not sure the perfect job exists, at least not for me. But I keep looking anyway. Because someday I'll find something that works. In the meantime, I'll keep the phone close at hand for those sub calls.
I can't say I mind the peace and quiet, the ability to do my "work" around here with no interruptions, the freedom to run to the store when needed. It's all very nice. Once the kids come home it's chaotic and noisy and impossible to concentrate on one thing when so many things are going on at once. So, I relish this time alone, even though it's sometimes lonely and I'd like nothing more than to meet a friend for coffee. I like my time and I'm making the best of it until things change again.