Saturday, July 2, 2011

Pooping at Target..........

Yes, I said pooping. So, as the title suggests, this blog post will be about poop. And if you don't like talking about bodily functions, then just skip it. If you think bodily functions are hilariously funny and are not so uptight as to pretend you don't poop, then read on, my friend!

Is it just me or is there something in the air at Target that makes one need to use the facilities for that most dreaded chore? In the most dreaded place, a public restroom? Perhaps it's the smell of popcorn that triggers the response, or maybe it's walking past the teeny-weeny bikinis that makes one want to dispose of that "five pounds of fecal waste" the infomercial for colon cleansing talks about? I don't know but every time I go to Target, whatever time of day, I suddenly need to GO. And, like Stifler, of "American Pie" fame, I will go to great lengths to avoid doing the big P anywhere but home.

But I walk through the garish red automatic doors of Target, and while all is well for a few minutes, it never fails that I have to leave my half-full shopping cart somewhere near the restroom door, hoping no one decides to steal the one pair of yoga pants that fit me, or the assorted items from the dollar bin that I didn't need, and head into the stall for a little "quality time". And who wants to do that in public? NO ONE! People go to great lengths to avoid the embarrassing public poop. There's the "courtesy cough" to cover up any noise, the "courtesy flush" to minimize air time of the offending product, even the hasty retreat from the restroom (who's gonna know it was you?) to avoid the walk of shame.

Public pooping is just downright inconvenient. I envy the people who have their "necessaries" on a schedule so that there are no surprise Target attacks. My husband would argue that a daily dose of fiber therapy would  help that. Yet, somehow, drinking a thick mixture of orange-flavored goo every morning is just not my idea of a wake-up call. So, I continue to gamble with the possibility that maybe Target won't have that, ahem, effect on me. It may be genetic, however, as I appear to have passed a recessive gene on to my children. Because on a recent shopping trip to Target, one of them (I will not say who to avoid mortification) had the same problem.

Ironically, this happens at Wal-Mart too. Maybe spending money just scares the crap out of me. (Disclaimer: this blog is "out there" even for me. Still, I laughed. And it's also 2:48 in the morning so I take no responsibility for my sleep-blogging).

12 comments:

Fellow Public Pooper said...

HAHAHAHAHA! Ok I found your blog while looking at the River Meadows park, and then I saw this post. My mom has the exact same thing, and sometimes I do too! Thrift stores usually get me. If I'm constipated, a quick trip to Value Village will clear it out. But the bathrooms are usually GROSS. Too funny!!!

Anonymous said...

You are not alone! This happens to me like every time I go to Target! Lolol

Anonymous said...

OMG I'm not the only one. Im convinced there's something in the air that I'm reacting to. It's instantaneous for me!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog after I Googled "always have to poop in Target" because I thought my girlfriend and I were just plain wierd-os. Nope - I have found so many people online talking about this strange phenomenon. There is something in the air - I swear it - that makes our bowels move. My friend and I were joking because I'm pregnant and have been so constipated. When I went to Target two days ago the clouds parted and gave way to freedom. So strange! If I were a scientist I would have some type of official study ran and put it on 20/20. This is crazy! LOLOL

Anonymous said...

Omg that's insane! I'm the exact same way. It happens while shopping at alot of places....but Target more than anywhere! Everytime my daughter and I go, she counts how long it takes before I leave the cart with her and head toward the bathroom! Too funny! I would love to know why!!! Someone submit this to scientists please!!!

Anonymous said...

Yessssss! Research needs to be done! Every time I go to Target I have to GO! I found this by googling "Target makes me poop" but I didn't make it past "makes" when the auto fill put in the rest haha! I knew then that I wasn't alone.

Anonymous said...

Ditto. I googled this too as it is insane. How is this possible?

Lisa Baker said...

Omg. Target, Michaels and Barnes and Noble. WHAT is the deal??! Every. Single. Time.

Anonymous said...

Wal-Mart, Target, Big Lots, and Bealls all have that effect on me. Shopping at the mall or anywhere else doesn't bother me. maybe its something to do with pushing a shopping cart. Lol I end up making multiple trips to the bathroom. And hope that no one notices that It's my 4th trip to the bathroom. Lol

Anonymous said...

Same issue thought I was the only one. Lol. FYI it wasn't stifler it was finch which is why stifler called finch shitbreak

Anonymous said...

I suffer from "Vacation Constipation" and have to make specific trip to Target for this very reason when I"m visiting my in-laws or on any sort of multiple day get away. I just googled "why does Target make me poop?" and found your blog...I don't know if its the lighting or the smells or that we feel safe, but research needs to be done! Happy shopping friend.

Rebecca Boyd said...

Yes, Target, Michaels and ANY bookstore. What the hey?!?!