Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Pretty Ugly

So, today I took the day off work to attend a PTSA luncheon because I was a Golden Acorn recipient (an award for volunteering). It was at a golf country club and so I dressed up. Black skirt, black silky tank, gold ruffled sweater and a cute gold flower in my hair. Wore shoes with pointy-ish toes and heels and everything! And the luncheon was nice (if not a little long!) and I had a name tag in a lanyard and there was a program and keynote speakers and everything. I felt so grown up! Adults only! (I can just hear one of my kids saying "oh, you think you fancy???"). So.

I was looking forward to coming home and enjoying an hour or so of "alone" time, perhaps even indulging in a smallish nap. But, seeing as this is MY life, and not the fabulously organized, trouble-free life of some glamorous, pretty, skinny woman, that was not to be. I got a text. "I left my karaoke CD on the bathroom counter". And another one. "Can you bring it to me after school?". And then a phone call. Sigh. So, I had just pulled in the driveway from my fantastically grown-up luncheon when I had to pull right back out again, CD in hand, and drive to the high school.

Since I was out anyway, I decided my husband should see my fabulous outfit so I texted him. "Frappe break"? He did not text back for some time, but just in the nick of time I received a "Sure". Off to McDonald's to pick up two mocha frappes. They were topped with chocolate AND caramel today, a perfect little added surprise. I headed to husband's work and we were just enjoying a coffee date in the car for less than five minutes when I received a frantic call. "My tummy hurts! Really bad!" There were tears and everything so of course I had to dash home.

I came home to find 13-year-old curled up on the couch in a fetal position. She still had her wet boots on. On top of the blankets. Put on my doctor hat and performed the "do you have appendicitis?" exam. Administered two ibuprofen and set to checking my email. "I really don't feel good". This was uttered with a bit of panic and we all know what happens after that. Yep.

So much for the nice outfit. I'm pretty sure I got a little barf on it. While cleaning up the bathroom floor and rug. And doing some laundry. I set up the sick one on the couch, but not before spilling an entire cup of water on the family room carpet. In the meantime, the dog was getting into everything and scavenging for food. And barking to be let out every five minutes. Administered more medicine to sick child and finally a little calm.....

Oh, and that was just in one hour. I can hardly wait to see what the next hour holds!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture.......

So, if the world ends tomorrow, as predicted, don't you think God's gonna be pissed at all the jokes? I mean, He's probably going to come down here and say "you, with the jokes, you burn in Hell!" Or maybe not. I tend to think God must have a sense of humor. Otherwise, how do you explain the mullet? Or Milli Vanilli? Or Tammy Faye Bakker? Or terrycloth tube tops? Yeah, I'm pretty sure God has been messing with us for eons now.

The cool thing is if the world ends, I don't have to worry about the fact that I ate a cookie for breakfast today. Or that I can't fit into my capris from last summer. Or that my roots are graying. Or that I never went to medical school, or learned to fly fish, or flambe'd anything. (Heh, heh, sounds like there'll be a lot of flambe'ing going on if the rapture does come - bwahaha!). So, it's all good.

Still if rapture does occur, there will be a lot of people going "well, holy shit, who knew?" Duh! Everyone knows!  It's all over Facebook, and unless you live under a rock......oh wait. I still have some friends who are not on Facebook (I know! WTF?) so I should not belittle them. The thing is, we've had plenty of warning. But I'm sure as shit not gonna learn how to turn off my natural gas line or eat freeze-dried rations if rapture occurs. I'm going to go have a margarita with my girlfriends, sit in the sun, and go out with a bang. (Heh, heh, get it?)

Plus, I can't get that stupid Blondie song out of my head - can you? "And then you're in the man from Mars, you go out at night eatin' cars. Cadillacs, Lincolns' too, Mercury and Subaru.......RAPTURE!

Just because it's sunny..........

The sun is out in Seattle. Oh yeah, baby! That makes us all crazy and happy and we do stuff we wouldn't normally do. Some of that stuff is just downright......wrong. Allow me to give you a guide to a sunny day in Seattle:
- I don't care how hot you are, guys (and I'm definitely talking temperature here, NOT sexiness), please refrain from taking your shirt off and exposing us to your pasty-white abs, or lack thereof. Really. It's gross.
- Maxi dress? Fugly. Just don't wear them. Ever. Unless you enjoy looking like Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company" fame. (Kids! Google it!)
- Romper. Butt-fugly. Do NOT wear this style. There is nothing cute about a romper. Even on your kid.
- I know it's over 50 degrees, but kids, please stop asking me to set up the slip and slide or turn on the sprinklers. You will be hypothermic in fifteen minutes.
- Wear sunscreen. All the time. My 13-year-old just learned that you can get a sunburn even if the sun is not shining. What the hell do they TEACH them in school these days anyway?
- Please, kids, don't tell me you're "dying" from the heat when it's 67 degrees outside. No one died from being in 67 degree heat for extensive periods.
- The ice cream man WILL be coming by if it's over 50 degrees. You know it. I know it. We all hear it. Save yourself some $$ and stock up on Drumsticks and Choco Tacos at the grocery store. When you hear the "ding ding" have your kids run to the freezer.
- Guess what? You have neighbors. I know, right? You never see them when the sun doesn't shine because they drive right into their garages and shut the door on your friendship. But now they will actually come outside to work in their yards or wash their cars and you can TALK to them. Cool, huh?
- My husband used to live in Indiana for a short time. People there would pull their barbeque grills into the driveway and grill away. Neighbors would follow suit and pretty soon it was a block party! Hey! Don't be afraid to move your soy burger extravaganza to the front yard.
- Don't wear a bikini if anything on your body jiggles. Just don't.
- Sock and sandals, while a Seattle staple, are really dorky. Now's the time to ditch the REI wool socks in favor of bare feet in those sandals.
- And while we're on the subject of feet, get a pedicure! For God's sake.
- Don't be fooled by that bright, round orb in the sky. It's fickle, and like a bad boyfriend, apt to leave you at a moment's notice. Do not be lured in by it's warmth and sweetness. For tomorrow it may rain.
- For the love of all that is holy, do NOT spend the whole day indoors. Even if you, like my 13-year-old today, just drop to the grass the minute you get home and just soak up the Vitamin D, you'll be much happier for it.
- At the very least, enjoy the one-armed sunburn you might procure by driving in the beautiful sun today. And soak up that awesome "hot car" feeling before turning on the AC.
- Ahhhh.........sun!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hump this!

Today is Wednesday. Hump day. But, really, for most of us, it's far more than a "hump"...it's a mountain of monumental proportions that we climb each and every day until at once, we descend and begin a slow journey to ease. Or at least that sounded pretty damn poetic, yeah?

So, today started in the wee hours for me, when I was awakened by the palm of my daughter's hand on the flat of my back, startling me awake with a gasp. She's been sick, so I half expected a middle of the night awakening (Hey! Parents of infants! It does NOT get easier! HAHA!). But what I didn't expect was for her to stand next to my bed and DEMAND that I make her sore throat better, right now. Hmm. Sometimes I fancy myself a miracle worker, but on matters of tonsils and swollen glands, I have no power. Sent her back to bed, then fired up my laptop to read about symptoms of mono. Yep. All there. Roused myself out of bed to take her temperature. No fever. She (blessedly, finally!) went back to sleep. Me? I spent the better part of an hour awake.

Woke up again at 6 to the alarm. Let me clarify. To my HUSBAND'S alarm. If it were my alarm, it would be set to a soft, easy-listening station at a very low volume - just enough to rouse me gently. But since it's my husband's alarm it's set to a staticky, AM channel where over-testosteroned (is that a word?) men shout about fishing and car parts. Bleh. Took a quick shower because I had to take my other daughter to school (since her sister, aka, her ride, was out of commission). While getting dressed, I experienced a temporary, but minor wardrobe crisis (otherwise known as "IhateallmyclothesandIneednewonesandIhavenothingtowear") which made me late. Ah well. She's a TA first period.

I drove back home to finish getting ready (makeup!) and see son off to school, and wait till 8 to call the doctor. Made appointment for sick daughter for after I got off work. Worked at my part-time job for exactly four hours then raced home to find sick daughter waiting, as instructed, outside to hop in the car for the tightly-timed doctor appointment. She was wearing a t-shirt cut off a la Flashdance, ratty pajama bottoms and slippers. Alabaster skin, lank hair and lips tinged orange from too many popsicles. Lovely.

Arrived at doctor's office in time to.....wait. Got a mono test (daughter, not me!). Negative - yay! Doctor commenced exam then kicked me out of the room so she could talk to teen daughter about drugs, smoking and sex. Strep test negative - what to do? With a performance looming tomorrow night, Doctor decided on a single dose of penicillin. Sounded good to me! Explained to my sick daughter that shots go right in the keester. WHAT?

Dropped sick daughter with sore butt back off at home. Had just enough time to pee before I dashed out again to meet a friend. Dropped book off at library beforehand. Met friend for frozen yogurt. Talked an hour and a half. Went to Staples to get printer ink. Had long discussion with son over phone as to which ink was correct for the printer, while he asked me if I planned to attend his band practice tonight? I said, why, when my husband goes every time and videotapes it to boot? Do I really have to watch him practice? Can't I just show up to performances and clap? Got a healthy dose of guilt trip.

Picked up other teen daughter after rehearsal who begged me to get her teriyaki for dinner. I said not in the budget. She pouted, then proceeded to tell me how hungry she was on the way home while I reminded her that I had not yet BEEN home today and would need to fix something for dinner when I arrived there. She stated that I should have a dinner ready at all times when she arrived home and that I needed to "plan better". (She later backtracked and said she was kidding, but how do we really know for sure?). More guilt trip. Consolation prize - she got junky food for dinner - chicken tenders and curly fries from the freezer and a side of edamame. Oh, and that band practice? She reminded me I needed to go to one to "be supportive". BE SUPPORTIVE? I'm their freakin' cheerleader every single day and he wouldn't BE in band practice if I wasn't supportive.

It's not that I don't want to "be there". It's just that when my feet haven't touched the carpet in my house all day, and, let's face it, my fingers touched the keyboard so I can read, write and Facebook with abandon on my laptop, I just don't have a lot left in me. I've spent countless hours at ballet practices, baseball games, in the stinky, sweaty gymnastics gym.......I shouldn't have to feel bad about not making it to band practice when my son has a parent representative there every time. Sheesh!

And I still have to clean the kitchen, make lunches, do the dishes, fold laundry....and I get to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again! But it's Hump Day and it's all downhill from here right? Plus, the sun is shining, so all is forgiven. Happy Wednesday!

Monday, May 16, 2011

We can see you next year.........

I have a really hard time believing that my dentist is so busy and full of patients that he can't see my kids to get their teeth cleaned until AUGUST! Really? For a less-than-one-hour appointment? How many patients can he possibly have, overall, and if he's truly that busy, how can he possibly keep track of them all?

I've been wanting to switch dentists for a long time. I mean, it's not like I have anything against my dentist. Except that when he talks to you, he mumbles like he's got a mouthful of marbles. And uses all technical terms like "30" instead of "tooth", and "fascia" and "sublingual". What the hell? Just talk to me in layman's terms, will ya? And he's always using those terms when he's prescribing yet another "procedure" for me (or my kids or my husband) to undergo. I don't believe I've EVER been in for a cleaning when he has not suggested or insisted on something being done. Replacing old fillings. Putting fillings on areas where the gum might be receding a bit. Or, best of all was when I went in with absolutely NO complaints and ended up with a bad filling that caused something to go wrong and led to a root canal. And that still feels weird. Like my tooth is loose.

He's recommended a $300 night guard to keep me from grinding my teeth (I'm pretty sure I grind my teeth because I'm stressed out about money, or lack thereof, so spending another $300 isn't going to help much!). I tried to compromise on that one. Bought one of those do-it-yourself jobbers at the drugstore where you boil and bite. I couldn't get through one night without ripping the thing out of my mouth sometime during my sleep. The thing is, I don't much like things in my mouth when I'm trying to sleep.

The latest "work" I had done was fillings on areas of my teeth that were "sensitive". They didn't entirely solve the problem and I've paid through the nose for all the work I've had done that seemed substandard or didn't solve problems. I Googled some local dentists and came across my dentist's name. One review said "he seems to prescribe unnecessary procedures". Hm. Sounds familiar.

So, I'm on the search for a new dentist. Perhaps one that isn't so busy and can clean my kids' teeth before August. Or maybe a once-a-year cleaning isn't such a bad idea. Sure would save some cash.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sperm Lover

I know! The title alone is shocking enough. But the funny part is that's the name of a "follower" of my blog I discovered I had, quite unexpectedly, when I noticed the little icon listing my followers went from 15 to 16 (I know, I'm SO popular!). So, I checked it out and saw "Sperm Lover" was my newest follower. I saw that Sperm Lover also follows sites such as "Sex, Sex, Sex! Can't Get Enough" and similar sites. On principle alone, I had to block poor Sperm Lover because I'm afraid I cannot deliver the goods that he/she might be used to. My blog is nothing if not PG-13 and I'm not even sure I've ever written a post about sex. My kids read this, after all, and what's ickier than imagining your parents having S-E-X? (Note to my children, I'll wait now, while you go bleach your brains).

So, I was thinking about the name, Sperm Lover, and I thought, what's to love, really? Sperm, on it's own, is fairly unremarkable. Little fish-like creatures, swimming in a sea of....well....semen. Get it? "Sea-men"? HAHA! I'm so funny. But to LOVE it? Not so much. I mean, I LOVE my family. I LOVE chocolate chip cookies. But I do not love sperm. It's useful, when you want to create a baby, but useless on it's own. So, I wonder if Sperm Lover really LOVES sperm, or just sex. And if it's just sex, then why follow MY blog? Honey, I have four teenagers. One of them sleeps in the room below mine. You can imagine how much sex is going on at MY love nest.

And then, you gotta wonder about the name choice. Sperm Lover. Shock value. Ooohhh....naughty word. Except it's not. It's a biological word. Like penis. Or ejaculate. Functional words. That, for some reason, illicit giggles and snickers whenever they are said. Try it. Just walk into a room, and in the middle of a random conversation, say "sperm lover" and just see what happens.

So, sorry Sperm Lover, but I have no idea who you are. That, in itself, does not automatically disqualify you from being a follower of my blog, but based on your other blog following, I'm afraid I can't deliver on what you may be expecting. If you chose my blog to read the ramblings of a suburban mom of four, then by all means, re-follow me! But if you were hoping Chaos Times Six was a moniker for an orgy, I'm afraid you've been misled. The sexiest thing going on around here is when I match my bra and panties. So sorry to disappoint!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Bad mommy!

In honor of Mother's day this weekend, I've decided to blog about all the bad mommy things I've done; basically it's going to be one big blog of mommy confessions.....things that won't win me any "mom of the year" awards but are true nonetheless.

I forget to pick up my kids. A lot. I mean, they are never actually forgotten FOREVER, but I'm late a lot. And sometimes it's because I completely forgot where they were and suddenly have that panicky realization that I've forgotten something important...oh yeah....to pick up my CHILD, and I rush to them in a state of panic, guilt and confusion, a little bit scared it's early-onset Alzheimer's. Oh, and? They never let me forget it.

I let my kids swear. I mean, I don't ENCOURAGE it, but I don't totally forbid it either. Sometimes, a swear word is just the best adjective. Being a writer, I appreciate the beauty of language. Even if it has four letters. And comes out of the mouths of teenagers. When Hayley turned 17 I told her she could say shit, damn, hell, and bitch. Don't judge me - I have standards! No F-word until you're an adult.

I don't actually get a lot of pleasure out of cooking a meal for my family every night, so sometimes I let my kids eat Top Ramen and call it a meal. I once served cereal for Christmas dinner. I was nine months pregnant, so you can just shut up about it now. I figure between the four of them they know how to make Top Ramen, macaroni and cheese, quesadillas, fried eggs, and cupcakes. That oughta cover it!

Sometimes I forget to go shopping and there's nothing for lunch. I scrape together what I can. Once that included a few scraps of cheese and some crackers and a baggie full of cold cereal. I might have thrown in a fruit. They loved it. They love anything for lunch. I could throw a cold hot dog in a paper bag and they'd eat it. Or not. I don't know and I don't really care. All I know is I throw food in a bag and if they don't eat it, that's their damn problem.

I once forced my kids to endure several hours of posing for Christmas pictures, getting increasingly annoyed at my one-year-old and later found out he had a high fever. Oops.

When my kids were toddlers, I often put them in the bath and LEFT THE ROOM to "get shit done". I figured the older ones would let me know if the little ones were drowning.

I let my kids play on the roof. I know. I hate it, too, but they LOVE it. I'm still conjuring up a good story for when I have to rush them to the ER. Or worse.

Sometimes (ok, most of the time) when one of my kids stays home alone when they're sick, I forget they're home. Seriously, I usually get the shit scared out of me when I hear them going to the bathroom. I'm all ready to go ninja on their asses and then I remember, oh yeah, that's my child!

I buy my kids clothes at thrift stores, wash them, and put them in their closets. They're none the wiser. Or are they?

When I'm late picking my kids up (refer to first infraction on this list), my kids often call me asking where I am. I tell them I'm "on my way" even if I'm sitting at Starbucks or still browsing at Target. My second favorite line is "I'm checking out right now".

When my kids suck at something, I usually tell them. I don't mean to crush their spirits but, really, should they, and I, be mortified if they're on stage singing in a screechy voice or can't shoot a basket? I figure I'm doing everyone a favor........

I don't closely monitor my kids' screen time. I started out with the best intentions, but it was just too hard to keep up with TV, computer and cell phone time. Now, I just expect them to self-regulate which to my second-born means five hours of You Tube in one sitting sometimes......

I buy junk food. There's healthy stuff, too, but I let my kids eat sugared cereal, make cupcakes or cookies whenever they want, and usually turn a half gallon or two of our weekly delivery of milk into chocolate milk which they can devour at one dinner.

I once drove my youngest and a friend around town letting them yell at people on a megaphone. We scared several people and made two kids jump off their bikes. Hey, it was funny!

I've let my kids sleep in a tent on the back porch and never checked on them during the night.

I've started more than one food fight at dinner. They weren't planned, I promise. But once the first crescent roll went flying, all bets were off.

I once left my two youngest on the shore at a slightly sketcy public park while I swam across the lake. I was training for a triathlon! When I got so far out in the water that they couldn't see me, they freaked out and called my ex-husband, who promptly reprimanded me for being a bad mommy. Next time, I'll remember to hide my cell phone!

I made a habit of strapping my kids into their car seats ten minutes before we had to leave so I could finish getting ready in peace.

So, there you have just a few of my bad mommy moments. Tell me some of yours! Don't be shy!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

How sweet it is!

I've been craving chocolate chip cookies with walnuts for days and tonight I finally had time to make some. Arlie didn't want walnuts in hers so I made a double batch, nuts and nut-free. I LOVE chocolate chip cookies (really, is there anyone who doesn't?) and don't make them often, but to me, they are the perfect dessert. Any combination of flour, butter and sugar is pretty much highest on my list of foods I love. Which is terrible, I know, because it's bad for you, makes you fat, blah, blah. If you asked me, do I have a sweet tooth, I'd have to answer  "sort of" because I'm not so addicted to sugar that I'll eat ANYTHING sweet. In fact, I'm pretty picky about my sweets. Here is a list of sweet things I hate: licorice, most hard candies, anything "gummy", straight sugar candy like pixie stix, anything "watermelon" flavored (Jolly Ranchers being tops on that list - eww!), any type of fruity dessert or pie, tiramisu, flan, or any other pretentious dessert that looks pretty but tastes like crap, and anything made of marzipan or fondant - pretty but totally disgusting to eat! Here's what I DO like - certain cookies, brownies, pastries, donuts, and some ice cream. SOME candy, like Reese's and Hershey bars are good, but I could take it or leave it. And here's a really weird (and kind of sad) fact: I cannot stop eating Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls! They are my absolute favorite junky sweet treat of all!

What's really disappointing is a sweet treat that LOOKS pretty but is actually quite crappy. Like pretty cakes with fondant decorations. They are amazing but mostly taste icky. Or those new Starbucks "mini" treats - cute but don't taste like much. There's just nothing more disappointing than biting into a beautiful sweet treat and having it taste gross. That's why homemade is really the best. I always envision making some type of cookies or bars or brownies every weekend and placing these lovingly baked treats in my kids' lunches every day. But  it never happens. Too busy, too tired, too whatever. Sometimes I "cheat" and make those cake mix cookies but they just don't quite cut it. And really, having homemade treats around the house all the time is total sabotage to my diet. (HAHA! That was a joke! Get it? My "diet"?)

Honestly if I have an addiction it's to really good sweet treats. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to "sugar" because I won't eat just any sugary treat. But a homemade chocolate chip cookie will make me happy anytime. And now I have several dozen on my counter, cooling off. Dangerous territory, I tell you........

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I don't know what to write........

I started a blog about the musical my girls are in, but it sounded more like a rant, so I deleted it. Then I realized it's been days since I've blogged and I'd really like to blog about something, but my mind is blank. Well, no it's not........all sorts of random thoughts are firing through my brain any given minute, right? So, here goes:
- Tonight I tripped on my own pajama bottoms and went flying. I was holding paperwork in my hand and a deposit slip in my mouth and went careening forward without the benefit of my hands shooting out to protect me. Thankfully, Hannah was sitting in my desk chair and I fell into her instead of the floor. Grace.
- Today at work I noticed my hair was a little frizzy so I just grabbed some hand lotion off the counter in the staff bathroom and rubbed a little into my hair. I realized, with horror, that I did NOT like the smell. Mango-mandarin  sounded good but smelled horrible after it was rubbed all through my hair. I do NOT like mango.
- I've been craving and wanting to make homemade chocolate chip cookies with walnuts for days now. But I never have time. And that makes me sad.
- Working is just another chore I have to do. My already-full days are just now as full but with a four-hour "break" in them for work.
- Twice this week I saw an eagle being chased by crows on my way to work. The first time I got an amazing picture on my phone, and then my phone suddenly froze up and I had to turn it off and back on again and lost my amazing picture! The second time I didn't have my phone ready. I can't believe I was so lucky twice and missed the shot both times.
- I got the mail yesterday and in it was a package. Hm, I thought, wonder what this is? It was my mother's day present! But I knew what it was just by reading the return address so I told Jeff I already knew and could I have it now? It was a cool new camera strap. I was so excited!
- At work, the kids are doing MSP testing. It stands for "measurement of student progress" but Harrison calls it "more stupid paperwork" and I'm afraid he's right!
- Because I don't have much to do at work except sit next to a kid while they are taking the test, I've planned out the whole summer in my calendar. Twice.
- Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. Margaritas are good. I hope I can have one sometime tomorrow.
- Prom is expensive. Today I ordered the bouten...buttin..boutenn...f**k it, the little flower thing that goes in the guy's lapel. And I picked up my daughter's princess dress. And got a cool idea for pictures. Because I'm always thinking about pictures.
- I like to drink caffeine-free Pepsi when I have pizza or soft tacos. I don't know why, but I must have Pepsi on those two occasions. I could care less any other time.
- Mocha frappes from McDonald's are super yummy and I've had one twice this week but they have like 450 calories so they're really bad for you.
- I tried a coconut mocha at Starbucks yesterday. It was just eh. Kind of good but they top it with toasted coconut and that's just weird going through a straw.
- My husband is trying to sleep next to me right now and he keeps twitching, which I'm taking to mean either a. he's annoyed with my typing and would really like me to shut off the computer and go to sleep already or b. he's having an nightmare.
- Good night!