Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Out of sorts.......

I've been out of sorts lately. What does that mean anyway? How do you get OUT of your sorts? And what are sorts?

At any rate, I've been in this kind of funk/unmotivated/sad-ish mood for a week or so. I think it started with a heated argument about finances, then turned into a lot of mom stuff. I dunno. But the point is, I'm feeling lazy and unmotivated and I'm just not ok with that.

I have the whole week off work (one of the many benefits to working for the school district!) so I probably shouldn't stress about doing nothing at all. I mean, I don't have vacation plans, no huge household projects are looming, most of the kids are gone, so my usual frantic pace is much calmer and, truth be told, I could do absolutely nothing and things would not explode in flames.

And yet....when I do nothing I find myself becoming increasingly unmotivated and finding the negative in everything. Is that weird? I simply am not comfortable doing nothing. My husband often says to me "do nothing" meaning just "be" with whatever the situation is, and be o.k. with just clearing your mind and sitting quietly. But that's difficult for me to do. I normally run around at a frenetic pace, doing, doing, doing. I've always got a million things on my "to do" list and beyond that, a fantasy list of "someday" things I'd like to accomplish. When I have a free day (or even a few hours) at home, I love having uninterrupted time to "get things done".

Yesterday I visited a friend for lunch and then spent from 3:30 in the afternoon until bedtime doing nothing but goofing around on the computer and watching TV. I can't remember the last time I frittered away eight hours doing absolutely nothing. And sitting for the majority of it. Wrapped in a blanket and just being lazy. On any other day I'd say I'd kill for a lazy afternoon/evening like that. But instead I felt so unmotivated and unaccomplished when I went to bed, looking at the half-done tasks I had done over the past couple of days and wishing I hadn't wasted the afternoon away. Honestly, I don't know how my kids do it - they spend nearly every weekend this way, watching movies, eating, laying about - and one afternoon of it drove me to the edge.

I remember once, in a job interview, the interviewer saying to me "you have a lot of positive energy". Granted, I was much younger then, but I've always been a go-go-go person. I mean, let's be honest, where in the world can you find a mom (a woman!) who doesn't feel as if she will never accomplish all the things she set out to do? We all have pie-in-the-sky dreams, which are often squashed by our reality of being "too busy" to get everything done.

So, today I got up early. I did some laundry. I'm feeling better already. Ugh. Perhaps if I were on a tropical island with a fruity drink in my hand, I'd be more settled with "doing nothing". But at home, all I see are the walls that need painted, the floor that needs vacuumed, the piles and piles of "stuff" that need sorted and filed and filtered.

I know my yoga teacher will say "you need yoga!" It's true. I haven't been able to go to yoga for months, due to my new work schedule, and I miss it a ton. Really focusing on your body/mind for an hour a couple of times a week does wonders for the soul. It's not like I couldn't do yoga at home. Or any other exercise. But that motivation, too, has gone out the window. I haven't exercised in months, either. I mean, exercise is not my favorite thing to do anyway, but I'm normally disciplined enough to do SOMETHING once in a while.

I think I just like routine. As much as I think I love staying home and having the whole day to myself, I really feel better when I'm working and "on a schedule" of sorts. Even though that schedule changes daily and some days I'm really exhausted when I've been gone from the house for 12 hours and come home to a pile of chores or tasks I still need to do. I've never been a TV watcher, so chilling out on the couch at the end of a long day is a rare thing for me. I usually go at full speed right up until bedtime when I might watch a little TV or play solitaire on my Kindle or read before turning out the lights.

Lately, I've been mad at my cat. She doesn't seem to like me at all. Today it occurred to me that perhaps the reason she never cuddles with me is because I'm never just sitting down on the couch doing nothing so she feels comfortable enough to just hop up and snuggle. Nah, I think she really just hates me!

And it's not like I have nothing planned this week. I've had appointments, lunch dates, a play tomorrow night. There's actually not a totally "free" day in the entire week, but the unexpected hours of "unfilled" time are mocking me. Perhaps I just feel guilty, knowing that when I don't have that scrapbook done, or that book written, or those pictures edited, I'll use the excuse that I'm "too busy" when the truth is, I have all the time in the world, if I make the time. Just like exercise, which I say I don't have "time" for, I can make the time. And I can use the gift of time I receive once in a while to work on things I love. (Actually, I'm doing that right now, because I love blogging and I love writing so I'm grateful for this gift of time).

How about you? Do you like lazy days? Or do you thrive on schedule and routine? What motivates you?

No comments: