So far today, I've paid bills, had coffee with a friend, done a ton of paperwork, a few loads of laundry, and made my lunch. It's 4 p.m. and my two oldest teens (16 and 19) slept until 2:30 p.m. My daughter, attempting to make herself an egg sandwich (brunch at 4 p.m. anyone?), sprayed Pam into an open flame and almost made flambe out of the entire kitchen. I've heard the following phrases, "I'm going to lose my virginity in a Buick" (this was not one of my kids!), "Let's go do something! It's the first day of summer vacation!", a rousing rendition of "Let's Go Fly a Kite", and an impression of Sarah Palin as played by Jenna Marbles making chocolate chip cookies.
I also had the following conversation with my son's 14-year-old bestie:
J: It's half way to Christmas? Are you excited?
Me: Not really.
J: Why not? Why don't adults get excited about anything?
Me: We used up all our excitement when we were kids. We get excited about different things.
J: Like what? Being old enough not to get your period anymore?
I came home from coffee with my friend to find a lone dog turd on the floor, a guilty-looking old dog wanting to go out, a Tupperware container on the floor (having been licked clean of pizza leftovers by said dog), and a bottle of chocolate syrup overturned on the kitchen counter.
Scene in my living room: Two kids playing the same mindless game on iPads, one on his phone texting while the TV is on (with no one watching it).
Me: Why don't you guys play the Wii or something?
Scene: me on my computer, two boys asking what to do.
Me: Go play outside! Go find that coyote that keeps howling all morning and see what's going on!
Boys: What if it eats us?
Me: Well, then we'll have a great story to tell.
Now all I hear is the sounds of "What, What, in the Butt" coming from my family room.
Sweet baby Jesus, help me. And bring booze.