Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Pissed off..........

I'm in a total funk today. This happens more often than not lately. I guess it could be my midlife crisis? I mean, I DID recently get "confirmation" of my oldness in the form of a hormone test that came back with these results: your tests are consistent with menopause. Just the thing you want to hear when you're 45. I mean, not that I'll miss that monthly visitor, but confirmation that I'm on the other side of the "hill" so to speak just sucks.

I'm pissed that I can't have a baby anymore. Is that crazy? I mean, I have four teenagers, but wow, that whole thing went fast. For a while there, I thought I had a second chance. Second marriage, still young enough. But a lot of fertility treatment and a miscarriage laid that to rest. Still, there are days when I wish I had a baby or a toddler or a little kid - life seemed to much easier than. At least now. At the time, it seemed pretty hard. And then they grew up. Sigh.

Lately I've been torn about "what I do." I can't really say my career choice, because I don't really have a career. Although if I'm honest with myself, working with kids IS my career because I've done it longer than anything else. I started out at age 15 working with two-year-olds in a daycare center, and now I'm working with special-needs kindergarten kids in a local school district. It's a great job, but it has its challenges and it can be draining. But the biggest problem is that I don't feel like I'm living an "authentic life" because my passion is writing. It's something I've done even longer than working with kids, it's what I went to a university for, it's really what defines me. Writing is my passion and it's what I want to do. But all of the practicalities of life feel like reins holding me back. Sure, I can make excuses all day long. Why not just write outside of all my other obligations? I do. I just want to devote more time to it. To really live it, breathe it, really BE a writer. It's a fickle business, to be sure. I write for ME, and sometimes that becomes writing for someone else when they relate to or are touched in some way by my writing. I want to share my gifts. I don't often feel successful at many things, but I feel successful when I write. Even if I don't get paid for it.

Recently, I had a physical and gone are the carefree days of youth for me. Lose weight, eat less sugar, avoid the carbs, lower the cholesterol. Ugh. It's depressing to have to think about and analyze everything I eat, to worry all day long about getting my workout in. I know I will appreciate the efforts - I want more than anything to be healthy. I don't care what size I am - I just want to be strong and healthy. So, of course I will work at it. But it feels like one more thing on my plate and my plate has been pretty full lately.

And truthfully, I find myself being bored. I never thought I could be bored - goodness knows, I'm always so busy. But I feel like my days run one into the other and nothing much breaks them up. Weekends are spent hanging around the house and the only people I spend "fun" time with are my family. I love my family and really do have the best times with them, but I miss my friends. It's been ages since any of my friends have reached out to me, especially in recent times of stress, and it's felt pretty isolated. I have tried to maintain friendships by setting up lunch dates or coffee dates on my day off, but they have been few and far between. With the exception of one friend, I'm always the initiator of social events, and I just keep thinking maybe I need to meet new people. Or more people. Or something. I know part of it is my own fault; I'm not involved in much - a church, or a mom's group. I used to have Bunco, book club, supper club. But somehow, over time, the kids got older, I got a job, people got divorced or moved or just moved on, and those things slipped away. And now I'm not sure how to get them back.

Most of the time, I'm really happy. I just don't like these days when I feel down and depressed and just "blah." It's new for me, and it doesn't feel right. I love my life and appreciate all the blessings I have. We always hear "do what you love" and I really want to do that. I know that is a luxury reserved for a very few, but why not me? Why not now? And if not now, when? I wish I knew the answers.

No comments: