Monday, May 20, 2013

Why you should never drink and drive..or eat and drive..or do anything and drive!

I like to think I'm the queen of multitasking. Well, maybe not the queen, but one of her ladies-in-waiting. Ok, her cleaning lady.


I eat in the car. A lot. Like every day on my way to work, and on my way home, or to run errands or whatever because I am never at home to sit and eat a meal until dinner time. So, I pack both my breakfast and lunch and just eat throughout the day. And it's a hazard.

I always, always, always, drop crumbs down my shirt between my boobs. I mean, I should wear a turtleneck. I don't even care anymore who sees me plunge my hand down my shirt to retrieve the crumbs. Because those suckers are annoying.

I also have a bad habit of dripping things on my shirt. At home, nary a meal goes by that I don't drop a blob of something on my "shelf" and my kids delight in making fun of me. My husband has even been known to tuck a napkin into my shirt when we eat out. Smart ass. I avoid this during my "commuter meals" by not packing messy stuff. Do you know how hard it is to eat yogurt in the car? Oatmeal? I've done it. It wasn't pretty.

Today while driving I attempted to drink my water while driving. I don't know why I have not remedied this situation yet, but I have a stainless-steel water bottle that I pack with me every day with a wide-open mouth, not a nice convenient straw. Needless to say, this makes it difficult to drink while driving. For one thing, you tip that sucker back and go over a bump and suddenly you're drowning while driving. Or, like today, you pour a little too fast and your mouth fills up to capacity in 1.2 seconds and you dribble all that water right down your chest in in between your boobs (you know, where the crumbs are!). And, really, there is no solution to that. Or any way to explain the wet shirt. I'm demanding one of those $900 titanium straws that Beyonce drinks out of. It's a safety issue.

A few weeks ago I was eating carrots dipped in peanut butter (I know, shut up) whilst driving and I somehow managed to choke on my carrot. I mean, for real, Heimlich-maneuver-necessary choking. I almost pulled over when I suddenly recovered, but I had that shaky, adrenaline, oh-my-God-I-almost-just-died feeling for hours.

Clearly I should not eat and drive. I mean, texting and driving is bad - so distracting! But no one ever says anything about eating and driving. Where are the billboards? The public service announcements?

Besides, imagine there being nothing in my bra but boobs. No more crumbs, water, or other foreign objects.

Or maybe I'll just get a really stylish bib.

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