Sunday, November 15, 2015

November 15, not the highlight reel..........

So, I just returned from a wonderful vacation where I blogged daily, uploaded lovely pictures, and basically had a great time. And the whole experience reminded me how social networks show us the "highlight reel" of our lives. For instance, I'm not always frolicking in a national park, tossing fall leaves like I haven't a care in the world:

But, that's what makes the social networks, because who thinks to take pictures of the embarrassing things? 

Like that time in the Baltimore airport (last week) when I had to go to the bathroom and there were no seat covers and I didn't want to take time to cover the seat with toilet paper because I had to pee so bad. So, I squatted and I.......missed. Yes, I dribbled pee on the back of my jeans and underwear. It wasn't a lot but enough to make me think "Shit, how am I going to dry that out when I'm about to sit in a rental car for an hour?" So, I did the only thing I could - I grabbed a handful of paper towels, folded them, and shoved them down the back of my pants to absorb the dampness. And silently cursed the Baltimore airport for not having seat covers. (Fun fact: there were NO seat covers ANYWHERE on this trip - not a single public restroom had them - why?? Is that an East coast thing? Because, gross). Anyway, no picture of THAT! You're welcome. 

Also? Sometimes I wake up and my hair looks like this: 

Today, November 15, 2015. Not sorry. 

And today, since it was the day after returning from vacation, I had to go to the store and stock up since the kids ate food while I was gone (imagine!) and the cupboards were bare. Not really, we had plenty of food, but Cheez-Its were on sale 2 for $5 and who am I to pass up a sale? So, off to the store I went. On a Sunday. Just before the Seahawks game. GREAT timing. Several thousand of my closest friends were there so maneuvering the aisles was a challenge. In the produce section, right next to the (appallingly sparse) display of tomatoes, stood a woman, doing absolutely nothing. She was blocking the aisle, holding a small basket of groceries and staring into space. I think. She was wearing sunglasses so I really don't know where she was staring. The point is, she didn't MOVE when I came barreling through with my cart and instead of politely saying "Excuse me!" I tried to squeeze my cart between her and the sturdy post next to me. Calamity ensued. I brushed up against the fire extinguisher secured to the pole (clearly not very well-secured) and it sprang free from its holder and went clattering to the ground. I instinctively turned away because I was certain it was going to break and spray white foam everywhere but, thank goodness, it didn't spring a leak. However, imagine a full metal fire extinguisher hitting the concrete floor from a three-foot height and I was an instant (dubious) celebrity. Every head turned. I fumbled to replace it on the holder, but was unsuccessful. I scanned the area for an employee to help and said to the first name tag I saw "I knocked that off the wall" to which she replied "I know" with an eye roll. Well, excuse me! Clearly she had it under control so I gingerly placed it upright on the ground and walked away as it fell over again. 

See? No picture, but a video would have been awesome, right? 

Also, today at the store, I was innocently browsing the clearance racks when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was like a fly, only much bigger. I saw something move on the shoulder of a sweater hanging on a display. I seriously thought it was a mouse or a rat for a second and I thought, "Well, there goes the neighborhood" but I realized it was a BIRD! The bird puffed out his feathers and made a hissing sound. I shit you not. He HISSED. I was terrified but also intrigued. I wanted to snap a picture with my cell phone which was in my purse and out of my reach. So, I inched closer and the bird flew erratically to another display. Undaunted, I grabbed my cell phone and snapped away. Closer, closer.........I entertained thoughts of being beak-mauled by this puffy sparrow, but I soldiered on. Because, sometimes you DO get pictures of the not-so-awesome moments: 

He may look cute, but, believe me, he will CUT YOU. 

Finally, today I deep conditioned my hair. This involves glopping copious amounts of conditioner on my hair, putting on a shower cap, and then a towel wrap and letting it sit for twenty minutes (or an hour because I got distracted by the laundry). Anyway, when I was done, I just sort of quickly pulled my hair back in a clip and then decided to put on my new sparkly headband. Which, as you can see, perfectly matches my sparkly gray hair. Which I just colored two weeks ago. So, yeah, I get about nine days of coverage from one $7 bottle of hair color. Embrace the gray you say? I'm SO not ready for that. I also can't afford my awesome colorist's services every two weeks, so this is my life now:

Highlight reel? Most of the time. But this is me, keepin' it real. Hope you had a great Sunday! 

1 comment:

jeff said...

A bird in a store?!