Jeff and I went camping this weekend and on the long drive home, I decided to interview him. I thought of questions off the top of my head and, well.....
Me: What's your favorite color?
Me: That's so boring - do you realize like 90% of the population picks blue as their favorite color?
Jeff: Green. That's my second favorite color.
Me: ME TOO!
Me: What's your favorite amusement park ride?
Jeff: Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: Is it Cari-BEE-an or Ca-RIB-e-an?
Jeff: Pirates of the Ca-RIB-e-an.
Me: What's your favorite food?
Jeff: Pizza because it has all the things - you can put fruit, veggies, meat, cheese, pretty much anything on it.
Me: Pizza's my favorite too!
Me: What's your favorite drink?
Jeff: Berry tea.
Me: WHAT? I am buying you a male romper. And a cat.
Me: If you didn't do the job you do now, what would you do?
Jeff: I'd be a fisherman.
Me: But you never catch anything!
Jeff: So? It's better than working!
Me: What do you think is the single biggest threat facing our country today?
Jeff: Ig-nence (ignorance)
Me: How can we solve that?
Me: Do you think college is overrated?
Jeff: No, you gotta have a college education to get a good job.
Me: Even if you're saddled with student loans?
Jeff: You can pay those off if you get a good job. So-ci-e-tay says you can get a better job if you're educated.
Me: Who do you think is the ugliest celebrity?
Jeff: The only one that comes to mind is Danny DeVito. He's ugly, right? Wait, what about his wife? They're married, right? Urea Freeman or something?
(pause here while I pee my pants laughing - Urea Freeman?)
Me: If you could drive any car, what would it be?
Jeff: I don't give a shit as long as it runs!
Me: If money were no object, where would you take your next vacation?
Jeff: Hawaii, 'cause it's where I wanna go and I ain't been there! (Ed-u-ma-cation)
Me: If you could never do one household chore for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Jeff: Picking up dog shit.
Me: If you'd had a boy, what would you have named him?
Jeff: Hunter? Or Forrest, I like Forrest?
Me: Why do you dress up like a mountain man?
Jeff: 'Cause I like history, hunting and camping.
Me: But you can do those things without dressing up.
Jeff: Yeah, but you're LIVING it!
Me: What do you have against modern conveniences?
Me: If you could have dinner with 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
Jeff: Well, one would have to be you. How about Merriweather Lewis and William Clark? So we would find out exactly which guns they used and how they dressed.
Me: What would we eat?
Jeff: Buffalo or elk.
Me: What is the most annoying habit of other people?
Jeff: Other people don't annoy me. Tailgating!
Me: If you could be an animal, what would you be and why?
Jeff: I'd be an elk because then I'd be perfectly safe from me. Or a dog. They live the life, man.
Me: Why do you drink ginormous fountain drinks on road trips?
Jeff: It give me something to do. Keeps me alert. If I get past the liquid I can suck on the ice.
Me: Don't I keep you alert?
Jeff: Yeah. But not when you're sleeping.
Me: What's my most endearing trait?
Jeff: You've got lots.
Me: Pick one.
Jeff: You're caring. You're always thinking about other people.
Me: What's my most annoying trait?
Jeff: You're on your cell phone too much.
Me: What can you say about a guy who's been married three times?
Jeff: He knows what he doesn't want after the first two.
Me: Explain your job to a 5 yr old?
Jeff: I tell people what to do.
Me: What is the worst age of childhood?
Jeff: Teenagers. Because they're not human. They're unreasonable and selfish.
Me: Any redeeming qualities?
Jeff: They're young.
Me: What advice would you give your 18 yr old self?
Jeff: Go to college. Stay in college. Graduate from college soon.
Me: What is feminism?
Jeff: The -ism of being feminine. What you think of that?
Me: How do you feel about your current state of fitness?
Jeff: It could be better.
Me: Name 3 things on your bucket list.
Jeff: Get my elk. Get my turkey. Retire so I have more time to think of more bucket list items.
Me: Describe our marriage using a food theme.
Jeff: Our marriage is like a banquet because you get a little bit of everything and comfort food.
Me: Do you like cats? Why?
Jeff: Yeah, I like cats. Because they can be cuddly.
Me: Our cats aren't cuddly.
Jeff: But they CAN be.
Me: So you like to cuddle?
Jeff: I mean, it's nice to sit on the couch and watch a football game or movie with a cat sitting on your lap.
Me: Why can't you just cuddle with your wife?
Jeff: I can!
Me: How do you feel about traffic?
Jeff: It sucks donkey balls.
Me: Are you bored of this interview?
Me: What's the best part about coming home from camping?
Jeff: Sleeping in my own bed.
Me: Not the shower?
Jeff: Eh. I really enjoy camping.
Me: Why do you think there's bumper to bumper traffic at 2:33 on a Monday?
Jeff: Because there are too many people on the road who should be working!
Me: But, you're not at work!
Jeff: I'm on vacation!
Me: What is your dream life?
Jeff: I don't know. You think about your dream life and then you get there and what if it's not your dream life anymore? I guess living in a semi-rural area in a nice house making a living selling my crafts I enjoy doing. Although I don't feel confident I could sustain myself with that.
Me: What is your dream for me?
Jeff: To be an author. I wish you were a wildly successful Steven King-type author so we could move to our B&B and have a garden and make crafts.
Me: Why do you think you lose your sense of adventure when you get older?
Jeff: Because you've been there, done that.
Me: Why do you eat yourself (as he bites the skin on his fingers)?
Jeff: Antsy-ness. Maybe I don't take enough meds.
Me: What are your thoughts on mental illness?
Jeff: A lot of people have it. I often wonder what it's like for people who don't have it. What is must be like to be them. At least I'm better at recognizing it. Instead of someone is just an asshole, I think maybe they have anxiety. Untreated anxiety.
Me: What do you struggle more with, anxiety or depression?
Jeff: Depression is the hardest to deal with.
Then, he asked me some questions..........
Jeff: What is your favorite food?
Me: Pizza because it can be anything.
Jeff: If there was one place you could live in the US where would it be?
Me: I like it here. Washington state.
Jeff: Where in Washington?
Me: Closer to the beach.
Jeff: What is your ideal existence?
Me: Living in a nice house, on some land, with a detached writing studio.
Jeff: What do you want to do when you retire?
Me: Am I going to retire? I guess writing, taking trips, and being involved in my community or a non-profit.
Jeff: What irritates you the most about where we live?
Jeff: What irritates you the most about the people where we live?
Me: Self-centered-ness and entitlement.
Jeff: What is your ideal vacation?
Me: A nice hotel, a beach, lots of shopping, but also exploring and plenty of time to just relax.
Jeff: What's your perfect vehicle?
Me: Big enough to tow shit, but gets good gas mileage. Or a 1957 pink T-bird.
Jeff: What's your favorite drink?
Me: Iced mocha.
Jeff: Favorite pastime?
Me: Idle time? Social media. Spending time? Road trips.
Jeff: Where would you like to kayak?
Jeff: What is your greatest weakness?
Me: Believing in myself.
Jeff: What is your greatest strength?
Me: Weathering tough times while maintaining my sense of humor.
Jeff: If you were a car, what would you be?
Me: A red Mustang!
Jeff: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Me: A chimpanzee because I'd be adorable and everyone would love me but if anyone fucked with me I could eat their face off.
Jeff: If you could be a reenactor, what time period would you reenact?
Me: The 1950's but with less racism and homophobia.
Jeff: Did you care about homophobia before you had gay kids?
Jeff: Would you rather be hot or cold?
Me: Well, I'm already hot......so.....if you're cold you can put more clothes on.
Jeff: What advice would you give your 18 yr old self?
Me: That was my question.
Jeff: No, I just thunk that up!
Me: I literally just asked you the same question!
Jeff: Just answer the damn question.
Me: Don't marry the first guy who asks you just because you want to be married and don't care so much what other people think.
Jeff: If you could live somebody else's life who would it be?
Me: I like my life. But Jennifer Aniston because she still looks super hot and has lots of money.
Jeff: If you could re-live a phase of your life what would it be?
Me: I'm mostly glad they're over, but if I had to pick it would be when we first started dating.
Jeff: What's your favorite way to eat shrimp?
Me: Well, there's shrimp cocktail, grilled shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp alfredo, shrimp salad, and that's about all I can think of.
Jeff: What foreign country do you want to visit the most?
Me: I've always wanted to go to Italy.
Jeff: What's your favorite sport to watch?
Me: They're all so boring! I only used to like what my kids played but now they don't play sports. I guess baseball?
Jeff: What's your second favorite flower?
Wrapping it up.......
Me: Have you enjoyed this interview?
Jeff: Sure. The interview session has been enjoyable.
Me: What do you want to do when we get home?
Jeff: Fix my truck. Or nothing.
Me: Are you sad our camping trip is over?
Jeff: Yes. I could live like that a lot more days.
Me: Is that proper English?