Chaos Times Six!

The doctor will see you now....but only for one thing...

2012-01-24T23:17:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor for my annual physical the other day. Everything has been fine and I really didn't have anything to bring up, besides the fact that my wrists have been killing me for months. So, we discussed it, she asked me some questions, watched me move my wrists this way and that, said I should go to a nearby hand therapy clinic (which she gave me the name of) and we moved on. She even mentioned a certain type of splint I would likely need depending on the diagnosis, which she said she would defer to the clinic. That said, I went on my way, and made an appointment with the hand therapy clinic.

The clinic was very thorough, emailed me paperwork, checked my insurance coverage and called to say everything was set. Then, today, I got a call from the doctor's office. The message went something like this: the doctor said you were in for your physical so she didn't really have time to make a diagnosis of your wrist, so you'll need to come in for a separate visit for that. HUH? That was the ONLY thing we talked about at the appointment, separate from the regular exam. And, I don't know, I guess it just got under my skin. Because the real reason they were making a stink about it is so I would come in again, pay another co-pay, just for the doctor to do the exact same exam of my wrists she already did, tell me the same thing she already said, and refer me to the same clinic she already referred me to. My appointment is this week. I couldn't even get in to see the doctor before the appointment if I wanted to!

So, I called back. And waited 15 minutes on hold. When I finally talked to a person, she said the nurse who called me was "busy" and could call me back. I said I was calling HER back, and if she called ME back, then she'd just leave me the same message. So, I left a detailed message with the office clerk. Several hours later, I received another call from the nurse, again stating that the doctor "didn't remember" talking about my wrist and according to the chart notes, she only mentioned it in passing. I reminded her of the very detailed exam and conversation we had, and let her know I would not be coming back in just to pay another co-pay. She tried to reassure me by saying she "believed" me but would have to check with the doctor again. Believed me?

And I have not heard back. I'm sure it will all get worked out, the referral (which I don't even need for my insurance) will go through, I'll visit the clinic, and my wrist will get a splint or therapy or whatever it needs to get better. But the point is, what a total waste of time. First of all, I am SO sick of doctor's offices' policy of "one problem per visit". I get it - they don't want people coming in and whining about every little hangnail, but an annual exam, by it's very nature, is a chance to "catch up" on health issues that may have arisen since your last visit. The doctor ASKS you if there are any problems. So, if there are, they want you to schedule another appointment to discuss them? Crazy! We have to pay $15 every time we see the doctor (and with a family of six that's more often than you'd think). After that, our insurance only covers 80-90%, plus deductibles, so we shell out a pretty hefty sum to stay healthy.

Truth be told, my wrists have been killing me for months. Since the summer, actually. I figured it was some type of tendonitis and would go away on its own. But it hasn't. So, why did I wait so long to get them looked at? Because I figured I could just wait till my physical and deal with it then. Sure, they hurt and bugged me, some days worse than others, but, unlike strep throat or a sinus infection, I didn't think they needed immediate relief and figured I could save the co-pay. I simply can't afford to pay $15 plus 10-20% of the office visit for every little thing that bugs me. Preventative medicine be damned. Who can afford it?

And doctors wonder why we take to the internet to diagnose ourselves on WebMD (or worse). Easy answer - because it's free. We don't get charged $15 for each answer that pops up. And I don't need a doctor to tell me that my wrist needs to be seen by a specialist. I knew that all along. But modern medicine requires me to pay a co-pay, set aside half a day, and pay hundreds of dollars for my family doctor to give my wrists a half-hearted look and tell me what I already knew.

I knew I should have been a doctor.............. :)

The way we talk........

2012-01-21T11:03:00.000-08:00

The other day the kids and I were talking and something came up about the way people talk. More specifically, words and/or phrases that almost represent different dialects in different parts of our country. Some examples:
* Is it a "purse" or a "pocketbook". I, personally, have always carried a "purse" while my Jersey-born best friend from senior year in high school, always had to grab her "pocketbook" before we headed out to the mall.
* Is it a "sofa" or a "couch"? Or, for those of you who live in a pretentious East coast town, a "davenport"? My family had a hideous "couch" for years, with a large floral print in various shades of red, yellow, brown and orange. I miss that atrocity.
* Do you go on "vacation" or "holiday"? HAHA! Just kidding. That was for all the Brits out there.
* In our house we drink "pop" but you might drink "soda". Same diff.
* Do you eat a "cookie" or a "biscuit"? Just kidding again! More Brit humor.
* I, personally, wear "pants" but some people wear "slacks".
* To me, a "sweater" is an article of clothing made out of some type of thick knit, cashmere, rayon, acrylic or wool, that has substance and a bit of fuzziness. It's is not a "sweatshirt" which is made of fleece and looks much more casual.
* I wear "shirts" but old people wear "blouses". Hee hee.
* Shoes are a whole 'nother ball game. I like to refer to mine by brand, as in "where are my Danskos?" or more randomly as in "my brown flats". However, if they have an impressive name, I'll toss that around. My "sparkly black TOMS" and such.
* Which brings me to the shoes you wear for athletic purposes (or not for athletic purposes but you enjoy looking like you actually break a sweat now and then). Are they "sneakers"? "Tennis shoes"? "Nikes" (or other brand)? I have always called them "tennis shoes" but realize as I get older how completely stupid that sounds since I have never played tennis except for that one time my ex-husband signed me up for tennis lessons in a local park where I flailed about and discovered I had zero aerobic capacity in my lungs and virtually no hand-eye coordination. But I don't wanna talk about it.
* In the eighties, we called them "stretch pants" or, even more fun, "stirrups". A few decades later, we've lost the stirrups and now have an array of "leggings" which are a tighter, less-structured version of "yoga pants" which translates to "fat pants". Let's be real. Once a woman has experienced pregnancy and it's array of stretchy, forgiving apparel, who ever wants to go back to jeans? In an attempt to cover up our laziness and prevent incessant stomach holding-in, the industry has created all manner of stretchy "workout" wear that doubles as acceptable fashion while sipping a latte or shopping for groceries. God bless them.
* We call it "butter" in our house, even if it's a spread "high in plant stenols" called Smart Balance. (Shh...we also use real butter!). Inexplicably, my mom still enjoys saying "oleo" from time to time.
* And, just for fun, I'll throw in a little Seattle humor. I've always, my entire life, referred to the watery substance that falls from the sky as "rain" but here in Seattle it's often referred to as "showers", "partial showers", "precipitation", "rain showers", "chance rain", "accumulation", "misting" and, my recent favorite to describe freezing rain, "a wintry mix".

You say tomato, I say to-MAH-to. Except I don't. And who really does? Oh yeah, the Brits. I love them!

Stupid stuff people say......

2012-01-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's Snowmageddon. Yeah, I'm bored. And I've been listening to people talk - a lot - the past few days. I'm reminded of some stupid things people say. Such as:

*Do you have a garbage? (Look, I know my house is a pit, but we DO use proper trash receptacles, despite what the floor might be telling you)
*Can I borrow a Kleenex? (Uh, no, you can HAVE one. No charge!)
*Can I ask you a question? (You just did!)
*OMG! That made my life! Note: also include: That was the BEST DAY EVER. This is the WORST day of my life. (Seriously? You have no idea what's to come. I doubt that was the best day ever. Or the worst)
*There's nothing to do. (There is ALWAYS something to do!)
*Do you think we'll have school on Friday? (What? Suddenly I'm a meteorologist?)
*Do you have a bathroom? (No, but the outhouse is just a short walk out past the barn! Take a corncob with you!)
*Do we have to clean the bathroom if no one goes upstairs? (This from my children!)
*This (says weather reporter, scooping up snow) white stuff is what we're talking about. (Really? It's called snow. We've all heard of it, seen it, touched it.)

Crap, now I'm thinking of a blog post making fun of weather reporters in Western Washington. I love people! They're so.....entertaining.

Snow day pictures!

2012-01-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Icicle drop ~ photo creds to Arlie

Pretty girl in the snow!

Welcome to Narnia!

Snowy path through Narnia.....

Snow taste!

My pretty Hannah!

Warm hat and scarf for a snowy, cold day.

It's me!

Magnolia melting....

No birds.

Sock monkey hats!

Peeking.....

Mommy

Beautiful girl.....

Winter wonderland!

Love!

Snow day........

2012-01-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

Snow Day

Sleeping late
Morning hush
Snow falls softly
Peaceful

House full of kids
Cinnamon rolls
Hot chocolate with marshmallow cream
Top Ramen

Wet boots
Cold hands
Melting into blankets and pillows
Movie watching

Night falls
Sleepy people
Full of snacks
Lazy day

Snow day

In defense of the minivan.......

2012-01-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

I know a few moms of young kids (Sydney, ahem) and a few moms-to-be who are still young and idealistic enough to say "I will NEVER drive a minivan!" We've all been there, we veteran minivan moms, back in the day when we had a cute body, a cute baby and a cute little car to drive around. Then came more kids. And let's face it, once you hit three kids, you NEED a minivan.

Why? you ask. Let me tell you a little story. Back in 1995, when I was nearly nine months pregnant with my second child, I was driving around a Honda Civic with no air conditioning. I loved that little car, and the gas mileage couldn't be beat, but I was very pregnant. It was summer. I was hot and cranky. I wanted a new car. Being proactive and a planner, I researched my options and VERY reluctantly decided on a minivan. It was all the rage. My friends had them. Why not join the club? Except I said I'd NEVER drive a minivan. So, to console myself, I bought a red one. Red means fast. Red means cool. Red means "look at me, I'm a mom in a minivan!" So much for planning.

But then.....I started to like that minivan. Plenty of room to buckle kids in and out of car seats, plenty of room for the arsenal of diaper bags, snacks, activities, extra blankets, stuffed animals and pacifiers that accompanied us on a long trip to.....the grocery store. Plenty of space in the back for the burgeoning grocery load that came along with my growing family. Plus, the seats folded down for that occasional trip to Home Depot for a large piece of plywood or Toys R Us for that big swingset for the backyard. Handy!

But the true beauty of the minivan is...........the road trip! We started to drive to Idaho a lot to visit family and there was plenty of space for all of our travel needs and then some. As the kids got older, camping trips were included. That van was packed to the gills with camping needs, kids' feet perched on sleeping bags, a cooler separating squabbling siblings. We even added a car-top carrier! Modern-day Beverly Hillbillies.

We still drive that red minivan, although it's on its last legs (wheels?). We upgraded to a brand-spankin' new minivan in 2007. That van has doubled as a bus, a camping vehicle, a hotel, and a truck. On long trips, there's nothing more peaceful than space between siblings and a DVD player. It has something like 843 cup holders and all manner of pockets and compartments in which to lose mittens and french fries. The seats fold down and stow away in the floor of the van. The back has a recessed compartment deep enough to hide a teenager crouching down, waiting to scare the bejeezus out of her unsuspecting siblings when they settle themselves in the back seat. The doors slide open and shut with the touch of a button and there's one on BOTH sides of the van (unlike our older van which has just one, manual sliding door. A neighbor child once stood on the side of the van with no door looking confused and asked how to get in the van. When I explained there was only one sliding door she looked at me disdainfully and said "Oh, you have one of those oldy-timey vans!").

With a minivan, we can cram eight kids, four days' worth of camping gear and three dogs into it's cavernous interior. We can haul six teenagers and two adults to a football game. We can put a movie on, flip a switch and have the kids don wireless headphones while we adults up front indulge in our favorite music or enjoy a conversation in complete peace. If it only came with one of those handy dividers like taxi cabs, we'd be set! The kids could beat each other senseless in the back seat and we'd be none the wiser in our soundproof booth up front.

Our minivan has a handy rack that can hold four bikes, a top that can support two kayaks, and a hitch that can pull our camper over hill and dale to various destinations. It's essentially our second home. I have stashed in the van both food and water, extra makeup, first aid kits, enough reusable grocery bags to last a lifetime, an arsenal of DVDs and CDs, sunscreen, a garbage bag for each row, extra gloves, napkins, an emergency kit, extra dog leashes, coupon books, flashlight, multipurpose tool, extra coats, beach towels and handiwipes. If needed, we could live in the minivan. For six hours. Give or take.

I normally drive the nice, newer minivan, but I occasionally find myself driving the old one. It's the same age as my high school junior. That van holds a lot of memories. Driving my newborns home from the hospital. The time my oldest got mad at me and threw her entire orange soda at me while I was driving (there are still stains on the ceiling). The time I slammed the van in park in the middle of traffic to rush around, yank the sliding door open and kill an ant that was threatening the life of my toddler (or at least it seemed so from the screams). The van that was so stuffed with crap on a trip across the mountains that one of the kids accidentally kicked out a Nintendo DS into a parking lot, never to be seen again. The van that suffered a broken headlight the first month we owned it (likely from someone backing into it in a parking lot) that has NEVER been fixed. That van saved my freezing ass more than once on a camping trip when I was so cold I thought I'd die and retreated to the relative warmth of the van (and it's inadequately long bench seats). I've spilled more coffee in that van than I care to mention. I've hauled so many kids on so many trips - to the beach, park, playground, vacations, school. I once drove that van away while my own daughter was putting her backpack in it, thinking she was already in the car!

The van was purchased when my oldest was just two and it became her first car. I don't even want to know what all went on in that van before she left for college, but I will say I've never seen a dirtier vehicle, nor found so many disgusting things in it (two month old Taco Bell anyone? It's just a little fuzzy). It smelled like a rotting corpse. My daughter consistently ran it out of gas and was involved in a four-car accident last Valentine's day. But the van is still going strong. Scars and all. It has a cracked engine head......so it could "die" at any given moment, but we rather enjoy limping it along until it craps out on the highway one day.

My point is this: if you have three or more children, get a minivan. For your own sanity. So they can bring friends along. So you can drive the carpool. Invest in an entertainment system. So, when you're hauling your offpsring along on a 300 mile road trip, you can enjoy the open road while they are glued to a DVD. It's peaceful. It's fun. It's roomy. Get over yourself. Just get a minivan.

Cook, drive or clean?

2012-01-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

I remember once hearing about a survey where people were asked if they could have ONE household servant for a year would they choose a cook, a chauffeur, or a maid? I decided right then and there that I'd like to have a cook, because what could be more wonderful than having someone make food for you at your beck and call? Like eating in a restaurant every day! But as I grew older (and sometimes actually enjoyed cooking), I realized that maybe what I really want is a chauffeur. I drive my kids everywhere, all the time, and sometimes I just do NOT want to get up from what I'm doing and go pick them up from whatever far reaches of the town they're in. Plus, sometimes there's just not enough time to come back home (daughter's 45 minute dance class on Mondays), and I end up spending money "browsing" at the store, or getting a coffee. Other times there's a big chunk of time in between, which is just enough time to come home, get involved in other stuff, and get tired (daughter's three hours of two different dance classes that ends at 9 p.m.). Other times it's a daily thing (musical rehearsal that starts soon), where I have to drive to the high school every day because my 16 year old doesn't have a driver's license (and only because driver's ed is so damned expensive where we live - not offered in schools and costing, privately, $500-$800 depending on the driving school!). The convenience alone would be worth shelling out the $$ to get her license but it's just not in the cards at the moment. Then, there are all the errands, taking kids to friends' houses, commuting to and from work........it's just a lot of driving. And I prefer to be a passenger!

However, a maid would be most excellent. Living in a house with teenagers and dogs makes for a very messy house. All the kids do chores (the dogs are too lazy) but they are never consistent and it's never enough to keep up with the messes. So, most of the time, the house looks....ahem......"lived in". Walking in to a perfectly clean house would be.....well.........I don't know because that's never happened. I wonder what it's like to have a cleaning person come and make your house lovely while you're at work during the day. I wonder what it's like to walk into a freshly vacuumed and dusted home, lightly scented with cleaning products, with no dog-hair dust bunnies to greet you. So, yeah, a maid would be pretty awesome.

Can't I just have all three? Or one? What would YOU choose?

When it gets quiet..........

2012-01-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

I just read a Facebook post from a neighbor saying she had a bunch of kids over and her house was loud. And then it got quiet. And it reminded me of the times MY house "got quiet" when kids were over. As any mom knows, quiet is a dangerous thing. If your kids are screaming and romping around and you're reaching for the Advil, that's a good thing. At least you know where they are and what they're up to. I remember telling my kids when they were younger that they could "explore" the woods as long as I could still hear their voices. Long after their little tow-heads disappeared bobbing through the brush, I could hear their chatter and I felt secure knowing they were within screaming distance should a wayward coyote or extra-large raccoon cross their path.

Once, when my son was three, I was babysitting a neighbor boy, age four. I became aware, somewhere between doing a million chores, taking advantage of the free entertainment for my toddler, that things had become very quiet. I went to investigate, and found my son and his friend completely covered, head-to-toe, in shaving cream! In addition, they had emptied the remains of the shaving cream bottle into the heat register in the bathroom. At first I froze, and then I said "don't move!" while I grabbed the camera. But the neighbor boy started crying, afraid he was in trouble, so I had to put the camera down and attend to the tears and the mess. My older kids arrived home in the middle of this and we all got a good laugh out of it (well, they weren't laughing when I asked them to clean out the heat register - I need a long, skinny arm to reach all the way down as far as the boys had foamed it!).

Another time my son and two friends were playing. They were getting along so well, I barely noticed they were around.......until.......the dreaded quiet kicked in and I rushed to find the source. I was especially panicked this time because when I went to the bedroom where they were playing, they were nowhere to be found! But I heard giggling and opened up the closet. There sat three little sneaks, with a bottle of Tums, and each of them had suspicious, chalky substance around their mouths. I'm not sure how many they ate, but all I kept thinking was thank God it was just Tums!

When my daughter was in preschool she had a "playdate" with another child and a good friend after school. My friend and I enjoyed the afternoon kid-free and returned a few hours later to collect our offspring. Nothing seemed amiss until several hours later when my friend called me. "Have you given Hannah a bath yet?" she asked. "Um, no.....why?" I replied. "Well," she said, "you might want to strip her down!" I lifted Hannah's shirt and her entire stomach was blue. Indelible, Magic Marker blue to be exact! Apparently the girls had acquired a marker and used it to draw all over each others' bodies (but, cleverly, only where clothing concealed it). Same with the arms and legs - completely covered in blue scribbles! That one took DAYS, and many baths, to get rid of.

When my oldest daughter was a pre-teen, she had a friend over to "do makeovers". The friend left with swollen red eyes. Let me explain. In an effort to look "really pretty" my daughter had mistaken gold sparkly nail polish for eyeshadow and painted her friend's eyes. When we discovered the mistake, we attempted to remove it with polish remover, and, well.......let's just say her friend had very sensitive skin. That was fun to explain to her mom.

Once, when my son was home with me in his preschool years, he was playing by himself in his room and I was enjoying the rare peace that comes with NOT having a small child glued to my leg. It got very quiet so I went to check it out and found him asleep on the toilet, folded in half, chest on his legs and balancing precariously on the porcelain throne. Did I rush to save him from what would have been a painful (and shocking) fall? I did not. I grabbed my camera and now have, in my possession, a treasure to share with his future girlfriends, or perhaps include in a photo montage at his wedding.

Not too long ago, I was going through some old videos in an attempt to make sense of the miles of VHS tape we have documenting our children's young lives, when I came across a whole series of newscasts filmed in my eldest child's bedroom and starring each of my kids as reporter, meteorologist, field reporter, and the like. They had even set up a "news desk" and made signs. I have no idea when this happened. Obviously once when it was very, very quiet.

So, beware, parents! Your kids have secret lives! That, or we're just really clueless. But, if by chance things become really quiet in the midst of chaos, you should probably check it out. It might be the photo op of the decade!

Bargain whore........

2011-12-30T00:32:00.000-08:00

I love me a good deal just like any person. I'm a couponer, although not an extreme one, because, really, why would anyone need 47 of the same deodorant sticks? I would get bored of the scent after the second round. Lame. But shopping for the holidays is like a strategic game of getting the most bang for your buck, and while I pretty much always fail miserably at sticking to a budget, I do often have a few great holiday bargain victories that seem to lessen the blow.

For instance, I often receive coupons from JC Penney for $10 off a purchase of $10 or more. Hello, people, that's free money! Go in, pick something that's $10 and voila! Free stuff! Even if it's a little more than $10, you can still walk away with a pretty good deal. Today I bought $35 worth of merchandise for 53 cents using a coupon and taking advantage of the 70% off sale. Whee!

After Christmas I'm always broke, and I often wish I'd budget a certain amount for those amazing after-Christmas sales. I never do, therefore, I had very limited (read: no) funds with which to participate. However, I did eke out a little money to spend on some bargains at Target. The kicker? I only bought things that could be used for Valentine's day. Red heart ornaments? Yes!

I also had a $5 coupon to spend at the Eddie Bauer outlet. I don't shop there often, and there's rarely anything for $5 so I thought I'd have to spend at least $10 to use the coupon. Wrong! Not really needing anything, I found a coffee cup (the kind you put cold drink in, with a straw) for $4.99. Plus tax and I got a new, useful item for just a few pennies (taxes, bleh!).

And then there are the returns. I only had a few, but a couple of items in particular at Ross netted me two new tops. I know, I know. But it was money already spent! How could I resist?

I was also carting around a $10 off coupon for Victoria's Secret. Since Victoria has not told me the secret yet, I am generally unable to fit my curvy frame into her lacy floss items, so I purchased new undies for my eldest daughter in her favorite style and got a nice discount.

I also had the unexpected bonus of receiving some great gift cards. One to a bookstore netted me a new book and two new inserts for my Magnabilities necklace. Yay! Another, to Macy's, scored me a new pair of jeans I've been coveting (and they were on sale! Bonus!). It's like Christmas all over again, only I get to choose everything.

Tonight we used our generous gift card to a restaurant, given to us by my parents for Christmas. Our meal, plus dessert, was covered by the gift card with $2 to spare. I know as well as the next person, I'm not going to tote around a big chunk of plastic for the next time I might eat at the restaurant, so I slipped the card and the balance to a friend who happened to walk in with her family. Hey, $2 is $2.

I love the guilt-free pleasure from using coupons and gift cards and scoring an amazing bargain for things you'll really use. And I've found it's best to just use up those cards as soon as possible to avoid losing them, or forgetting about them, and having them contribute to the millions in unused gift cards each year. Just go ahead and have a day or two of indulgence and get some new stuff!

I still have a balance on my Starbucks card too. It's the little things. Especially when you're between paychecks and the money runs out. Yay for gift cards, coupons and bargains! Happy shopping!

Charlie after all...........

2011-12-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

Today we picked up Charlie's ashes. They were in a lovely box with an engraved nameplate for us to put on the box. It was really a lot nicer than I expected, and along with it, a little ceramic paw print with his name stamped into the clay. A very sweet farewell to a precious doggie. I was surprised when I teared up at the sight of the paw print. We decided to put the paw print, his collar and some photos into a shadowbox frame. The ashes we had planned to spread at Grayland beach, but now we're not sure. I always thought it was a little creepy to have a pet's (or human's) ashes on the fireplace mantle for all to see, but that's exactly where I put the box. One of my cousins suggested burying the box. I guess that's an option. We will wait till all the kids are home to make a decision.

In the meantime, we've been having "Charlie sightings" around our house. Weird as that sounds, most of us have experienced some odd phenomenon or other involving our recently deceased pup. Hayley, baking in the kitchen one night just after he died, swore she saw him walk past the counter. And it was not just a fleeting glance - she swears she SAW him walking by just as he always did, and he was chubby, as he had been before getting sick. Arlie and I have both sworn we've heard his nails tapping in a familiar "Charlie" pattern on the hardwood floors downstairs. And Hannah had an odd dream where Charlie was in the house long after he had died, but he was missing his back left leg. In her dream, she had asked Jeff which leg they put the IV in when they put him down and Jeff had replied "the left back leg". In reality, it was the left front leg, but still. It seems Charlie has not left the building.

And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. After all, our animals move in and around our lives so fluidly, matching our movements, following us as they are being fed, seamlessly moving toward the door as we open it for them to relieve themselves. We become so accustomed to their movements, their constant presence and their shadowy stirrings in the corners of our rooms (and their not-so-shadowy stirrings under our feet when we're hauling a laundry basket full of freshly washed towels up the stairs) that it is not surprising that their presence is felt long after they're gone. But actually seeing them? Hearing them? What do you think?

It's always hard to imagine a loved one "gone" - simply absent from this Earth with no reminders of their time here. So, it is nice that we have the customs and rituals that we do to remember them by. Whether it's a pet's paw print or a cherished heirloom from a beloved family member, it's nice to have something to hold on to. To remember. To keep them here long after they are gone in body. And perhaps that presence, that spirit, is really Charlie after all. We have his pictures to remember his deep, soulful brown eyes, his rotund belly, his embarrassed look wearing a plaid sweater. We are lucky enough to live in a time where we have video so we can see him running, watch him do tricks and sleep in front of the fire so long he's panting from the heat. And now we have his forever paw print and his ashes. Things to remember him by. Charlie after all.

Christmas Aftermath.........

2011-12-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

I worked really hard today to clean up the house from the Christmas disaster. We filled a huge bag with wrapping paper trash and there were piles of presents everywhere. I helpfully put them into boxes for the kids to take up to their rooms. It was hard, but I resisted the urge to suddenly and swiftly rid my house of all its Christmas trappings and start fresh. I actually have some New Year's decorations (silver sequined stockings, for instance. I know, who gets stockings on New Year's? But they have this Elvis/Vegas feel to them and they sparkle. Like the promise of a New Year. Or something like that).

Since I felt guilty sweeping Christmas out of the house so soon, I organized our movies and video games. I do this frequently, but then they get mixed up again and I find empty cases and DVDs with no cases. Argh! It makes me crazy. I selected a tall pile of DVDs to pass on to someone else and the kids vetoed half my choices. But I still managed to whittle the pile down and already I've found five of them new homes. I'm not one to watch movies over and over. I'd be fine just watching it once and then passing it along. Like books. There aren't too many I need to hang on to. I read them and pass them on to someone else. Recycling at its best! Plus I have a stack of movies I anticipate watching during the rest of the break. It's a VERY optimistic pile (20?), but why not go big?

And since it's "boxing day" I also recycled some boxes. HAHA!

My 16-year-old slept till 3 p.m. How can anyone even DO that? I mean, I went to bed at 1:30 a.m. and still got up at 6. Sure, I lay in bed till 11:30 or so, and I tried to doze, but I was pretty much up for the day. And now it's nearly 11 p.m. and I'm tired, but not like I'm going to pass out. HOW does one sleep till 3 p.m.? I think this is a record for my family. Have you ever slept that long? Do you have a kid who's done that?

But I digress. When do YOU get rid of Christmas? I like to keep everything up till the New Year. If we're hosting a party, I might put a few things away and put up some New Year's decor, but mostly I just leave everything up till the day before life returns to reality and we all go forth in fresh anticipation of a new start. And it's so sad when everything is put away. The house seems so vast and empty. January needs a theme. Something optimistic and fun. With lots of color. Ideas?

National Lampoon's Powerless Christmas Vacation

2011-12-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

We awoke to a lovely Christmas morning. Kids all in their matching Christmas jammies, presents galore, Butterbraids baking in the oven. We then sat down to watch The Grinch and open stockings. All was well until the final scene of the movie when the power went out. We waited a few minutes, figuring it would flicker back on momentarily. But it soon became apparent that the power was out for the long haul. At first, all was well. We watched home movies on the computer, and three of the kids had their iPads to entertain them, a lavish gift bestowed upon them by their father. We all had our phones, some of them with internet connection so we could update our Facebook statuses appropriately with laments about the lack of power. Amid choruses of "what are we gonna DO?" and "I'm hungry" the parental units escaped for a quick slumber, always the most appropriate choice when one is without power. However, all naps must come to an end, and so we were once again faced with problems of boredom and hunger, with no way to cook Christmas dinner. Here is how we coped.

Husband: a true man of the earth, Jeff was enamored with the opportunity for all of us to unplug and live life as pioneers. He proclaimed that he could, indeed, cook our roast over the barbeque. He busied himself in the fading light of the afternoon prepping for a fishing trip and doing all manner of "man things" in the garage while envisioning the womenfolk churning butter and stitching samplers in the kitchen. He also snuck upstairs to read a book on my Kindle.

Me: I was fine until my phone battery started dying and then I started to panic. My connection to the outside world was becoming threatened! Plus, I was bored. Bored and racking my brain for a fun family activity we all could do. A walk around the neighborhood? SIGH. Everyone was still in their pajamas. Go somewhere? No one was ready, and besides, at this point the power had been out for hours and what if the hot water ran out for six showers? Board game? Only if it was LIFE. And I HATE LIFE.

Hayley: Since connectivity was still going strong in the early hours, she made the best of her laptop, iPad and smart phone, texting the contents of her Christmas morning loot to her boyfriend who is on vacation in Canada. As each gadget ran out of power, she became more and more bored. When hunger overcame her, she grabbed her purse, still in her pajamas and said "Screw it. I have money. I'll pay for dinner. Let's go find something open." When her phone died, she went to bed. When the power came on a couple of hours later, she emerged from her den, freshly renewed with the promise of wattage.

Hannah: The iPad was her best friend. Plus, her phone never ran out of battery. And she was smart enough to get a shower before heading downstairs to see what Santa brought, so she was the cleanest among us today. She was just drifting off to sleep when the power returned and she ran downstairs with her sister cheering.

Arlie: The least affected of us all, because she owns neither an iPad nor a smart phone, Arlie busied herself with actually taking her gifts up to her room. Hannah let her play on the iPad for a while, and she managed to entertain herself by constantly texting her friends. However, once the power was restored, she flew downstairs cheering "power!" "lights!"

Harrison: Possibly the most affected of us all, Harrison was fairly smothering from boredom, despite having his iPad to entertain him. He had failed to upload several hundred apps when he received it yesterday, and with no WiFi to access the internet, he was forced to play Stupid Zombies for hours on end. His phone buzzed with texts and he eyed my Kindle Fire enviously. He was mostly on the floor in front of the fireplace all day and mentioned "starving" and "dying" several times. He also didn't want to go anywhere in the house once it was completely dark.

Despite the apocalyptic air in the house, we survived. Our stomachs were growling and after dialing a pizza joint and finding it closed, we decided to go out exploring to see what might be open. Earlier in the week we had noticed a sign saying Jack in the Box was open. So, we headed there. Myself and four kids, in matching pajamas. Jeff stayed behind to man the several candles that were burning. He asked as I was leaving, "Is there anything I can do for you while you're gone? Vacuum or something?" Such a joker. I replied "Make more light!"

We waited in line 45 minutes at Jack in the Box. In the drive-thru. So much for fast food. When we got our food we were missing fries and a drink. (Note: if you have a big family, NEVER leave the drive thru window without checking your order). We finally got everything squared away and by the time I drove out of the drive-thru line, most of the kids had eaten half their food. After all, they were ravenous. And who knew where or when we'd get our next meal?

When we got home, we were greeted with an assault to the nostrils. Something along the lines of the scent gasoline or wax filled the air. I, being gracious and all, said "what the HELL is that horrible smell?" to which Jeff replied, "I made more light!" He had filled a very old kerosene lamp with lamp oil and lit it up. This lamp had been in his grandpa's farm in Kansas. Like, over fifty years ago. And besides it's quaint "Little House on the Prairie" charm, the smell was horrid. However, after our lovely dinner of fast food on this most special of days, I moved the antique lamp to the kitchen and lovingly prepared peanut butter balls for the kids' dessert, a no-bake treat. We sat around the table and did something odd. We talked. With our mouths. Facing each other. It was novel.

But, still. It was dark. Very, very dark. We were bored. Very, very bored. And finally, Harrison, not being able to stand another minute not fully connected to the social network world, called his dad and asked for an escape. You see, although his father lives just a mile down the road from us, he is on a different power grid and had power all day. Finally we settled down, me with my Kindle and a bit of battery life left, Jeff with an actual book and a headlamp with which to read it by, the girls upstairs, all snuggled in bed, while visions of sugarplums.....oh, never mind. Hayley was already sleeping. There was a knock at the door and the father arrived to whisk his son away to the world of lights and cable. He gathered his things and they drove off........just as the lights came on!

I'm not gonna lie. We couldn't plug stuff in fast enough. Recharge! Recharge! Connect! Update status! Watch TV! Whew. It's a good thing we got things back on the grid. For tomorrow we may have had to churn butter....

Nothing went "right" this Christmas, but nothing went wrong either. We spent it together, and despite our original plans to have a movie marathon and a delicious, home-cooked dinner, we had a lot of laughs and it's a Christmas we'll never forget. But would rather not repeat. Merry Christmas!

Happy Christmas Eve Eve........

2011-12-23T23:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but every year around this time I start to feel kinda sad. I think it's because: 1. My kids go to their dad's on Christmas Eve Eve and have their own Christmas with him, and wake up in the morning to open their presents, then return home in the evening so we can have our own Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. This sounds like a pretty good deal, huh? I mean, if you have to share your kids and all. But it makes me kind of sad because it breaks up my "week" with the kids and I always feel like we get cheated out of a day of possible holiday wonderful-ness, even if we do absolutely nothing. I don't know. I can't explain it. And 2. The other reason is because we have absolutely NO family living in Washington or the nearby surrounding area with which to celebrate the holiday. I wish, and especially at Christmas, that my family all lived close by so that we could have one of those huge family gatherings with noise and chaos and little kids running around, and a big dinner and "feast", and the endless telling of stories from holidays past. Instead, we've had to create our own traditions and Christmas is a quiet little day with just our family. Which is lovely, but we have many, many quiet celebrations with just our family and at Christmas, I want noise and chaos. And people. Especially the people I love the most.

And, as my last Scroog-ey post illustrated, it's been kind of a non-Christmas-y season for me. I always have high hopes and expectations that never seem to get fulfilled, often for lack of resources or time. For instance, I'd love nothing more than to have a tradition of going downtown at Christmas time and doing all the "Christmas-y" things and seeing a show and perhaps staying all night in one of the hotels. But that's always out of the picture, especially at Christmas, when all the finances go towards gifts. I know I could plan for this, and perhaps I will and start a new tradition, but it always bums me out when I want so much to take the kids to a fun show but can't swing it. Last year it was Radio City Rockettes Christmas Spectacular or The Christmas Story musical. This year it was Cinderella. I thought that would be amazing. Jeff says I set the bar too high.....my expectations are unrealistic and I should just enjoy things as they unfold. And I know he's right. But I still wish.......

It's not that we don't have traditions of our own. We make and decorate sugar cookies, build a fort to sleep in, buy Christmas pajamas, open Advent calendars, watch Christmas movies. But I think as the chief shopper, wrapper, organizer and do-er, it's a lot harder to even find the time to relax and enjoy. While the kids are watching Christmas movies, I'm doing chores or working on something else. I do plan to just chill on Christmas eve and day, and perhaps get some of those movies watched. But it seems every year, before I know it, this day is here and it feels "too late" to get everything done I wanted to. And yet......everything is done that needs to be.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas is checking the mail every day to see if we've received Christmas cards. I LOVE getting Christmas cards. I love seeing pictures of friends and family, reading Christmas letters or just seeing all the pretty cards that arrive. Getting the mail is never more fun than in December. But this year, I've noticed we've received less cards than normal. And I've heard many, many friends say they have given up sending out holiday greetings. Too expensive, not enough time, never got a good picture, never had time to write a letter. I get all of that. Every year I turn into mean mom as I force my family to get a good family picture. I'm not one to send out anything other than a photo taken specifically for the holiday (beach photos in December? Pumpkin patch? LAME!). I try to make it fun, I really do, but anyone who takes pictures knows getting six people to look good in one picture is a feat. Then, there's the time required to design the card. Even if it's a Costco card, it takes time to decide which card design you like and which picture goes where. This year I went with Walgreen's and had the option of several pictures so I spent tons of time arranging and rearranging the photos and sending text picture messages to the kids for approval. Finally, we decided on a card and I sent in the order. And, they are quite expensive. Certainly at holiday time when there are so many other expenses, I can see why people forgo cards. But, STOP IT! You're making me sad. I want all those cards. I love them! I even love looking through them after the holidays and re-reading the letters, and cutting the fronts off all the pretty cards to store in my shoebox of old Christmas card covers to re-use in some creative way another year. So......I wish more people would still send Christmas cards.

Tonight we drove around and looked at some really cool light displays. That is one of my most favorite things of all about the season. It's fun, it's free, and it's truly amazing what people come up with. The time and effort that goes into those displays really says something about their holiday spirit. And I loved that almost every display had a donation station for canned food to benefit a local food bank. What a great way to benefit those in need while creating a beautiful display for nothing but the pure pleasure people get from looking at all those sparkling lights.

Despite the melancholy that comes from the season for all of the above reasons, I love nothing more than watching my kids open all the gifts I've selected for them. Some years it's exciting because we've purchased "THE gift" and I can't wait to see them open it and be amazed. Other times it's the little things - like the appreciation they show each other for the gifts they've selected themselves for each of their siblings. At their ages, they no longer bring home the precious homemade gifts from the elementary school years, which I loved and cherished. But I still love watching them watch others open their gifts.

Most of all I love what traditionalists my kids have become about Christmas. In their minds, there are just some things that cannot be forgotten at Christmastime or done any differently. God forbid we don't have chocolate Advent calendars by Dec. 1 (thanks to Jeff for saving the day on that one this year as I was sick). I keep wondering how long the kids will build a fort and all sleep together on the floor of Harrison's room, but they keep doing it and put a ton of time and energy into it. We always have to buy everyone a new ornament each year. We have to make cookies for Santa, even though the "Believe" factor has long since departed. We have to watch "Elf" and other Christmas movies over and over. We still display all our Christmas story books even though no one really reads them anymore. All the old CDs of Christmas music are still played over and over. These traditions are precious. And cherished.

One nice thing about a low-key Christmas is that we don't sweat it if there's not a big, fancy dinner. Some years we've even skipped dinner for all the snacking that's done during the day. I love not having to stress over a big holiday meal. We have "feast", a collection of our favorite snacky foods, and we're all blissfully happy with that. We don't have to travel (with the exception of driving Arlie over the mountains the day after Christmas and the day before school starts again), and there's no pressure to have the house sparkling clean or be on any type of schedule. It's "chill".

So, the excitement is building and tomorrow it will be even more. There will likely not be a 5 a.m. wake up call of excited children bouncing on the bed waiting to see what Santa brought. With four teens in the house, no one will be up at the crack of dawn, which is another bonus - we get to sleep in! Merry Christmas Eve Eve to you! (Oops, it's midnight! Merry Christmas Eve!).

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas..........

2011-12-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

Since Christmas is less than a week away, you're likely in over your head (and budget) and feel like you've been spending money right and left for weeks now. Even if you stick to a budget, there always seems to be "one more thing" to spend money on and many people find themselves spending money right up to the last minute. I know I still have a "few more things" I want to pick up before the holiday arrives, and every trip to the store seems to include a novelty item or two that relates to the holidays. I always promise myself I'll stick to a budget and not go overboard on Christmas and I always fail. Miserably. But there are SOME ways I find to save money during the holiday season. Here are some of my favorites:
- Skip the ribbons. Use yarn to tie up packages and make pom-poms to adorn them. It's super easy to make them - just wrap one, two, three or more colors of yarn around your hand or fingers 20-30 times. Slip the loop off and tie onto the package in the middle. Snip the loops and, voila! Instant pom-pom! These are cute, resist crushing (so they work well for mailing packages), and can actually be re-used (or re-purposed as a cat toy!)
- Most of us receive numerous Christmas cards. I have a few ways to recycle them. For traditional cards (non-photo cards), cut off the fronts and keep them in a shoebox. Over the years these come in handy as gift tags. Sometimes, I've used a template to cut out a smaller design so the tag is much smaller than the original card. Other times, I keep the card it's original size. This year, I found a cute new use for the cards: package homemade treats in regular brown paper lunch sacks. Fold the tops over 1 inch and hold a card front to the top edge. Using a hole punch, punch through both bag and card and use ribbon or yarn to tie the card onto the bag. Write your greeting on the card. Another fun project is to lay a card flat on a work surface. Using a craft knife, cut slits in the card lengthwise, leaving a 1/2 inch margin at top and bottom. Roll the card and staple the edges. Then, "scrunch" the card from end to end. This creates a fun "paper lantern" effect that you can hang from the ceiling or use as ornaments. Speaking of ornaments, here's another fun one. Using two cards, cut a square from each card. Fold like a fan, making small folds. Once you fan-fold both squares, attach them in the center using a stapler or pipe cleaner. Then, spread the fan-folds out from the center, making a beautiful butterfly. These look pretty set in the branches of trees.
- For photo cards, I often want to keep them. But I never know what to do with them. One year I purchased a holiday photo album on sale after Christmas. The next year, I just slipped in all the old photo cards. It's fun to take it out only at Christmas and see how much everyone has changed from year to year. Another year, I cut off the holiday greeting part and kept the photos to put in a regular album. Bonus: the holiday greeting part I cut off doubled as a gift tag.
- Gift-giving. Everyone loves treats at Christmas. Find something great and duplicate it for all your friends and neighbors. It doesn't have to be fancy, expensive or unique. A simple candy recipe or favorite cookie is fine. Or go with something non-sweet to offset all the holiday treats. One year a neighbor gave out homemade seasoned rice mixes. I've made bath salts, soap, and other non-food treats. If salsa is your specialty, whip up a big batch and give out a bowl with a bag of chips. My sister has made rum cakes assembly-line style and wraps them up for an impressive gift. I have a great homemade Bailey's recipe that everyone loves. I make double batches and bottle it in condiment bottles I get on sale at my local one-stop shopping store.
- Christmas cards. Many have stopped sending these holiday greetings. I think it's sad, because I really enjoy catching up with friends and seeing how much kids have grown in photos. While Costco has super cheap photo cards, you can go even cheaper by taking a great photo of your family and having it duplicated at a local drugstore (take advantage of coupon specials!), and mounting it on holiday-colored card stock. All you need is a glue stick and some scissors. If you want to get creative, add embellishments, but a simple greeting on the back is all you need. And you can send it like a postcard to save even more money on postage!
- Dollar stores! I can't say enough about dollar stores for great holiday gifts at bargain prices. I love the Dollar Tree, but you might have a favorite in your area. Every year since my kids were little, we did our annual "dollar store" shopping. Each child selected a gift for everyone in the family (sometimes adding in grandparents and friends), carried their own basket and paid for their purchases on their own. They also wrapped all the gifts themselves. Believe it or not, there are some very useful items at dollar stores that make great gifts. I've received candles, note pads, makeup and soap. My husband often gets tools, flashlights, sunglasses and candy. For each other, they've purchased stuffed animals, toys, art supplies, jewelry and other items. It was a great way for the kids to choose and take ownership of their own gift-giving at a price we could afford.
- Dinner. Unless you're hosting a huge dinner party, you don't need to spend a ton of money on Christmas dinner. One year, when I was pregnant and my friend had a baby on Christmas, we were so busy celebrating the new baby that I completely forgot to do anything about dinner. We had cereal. It was still a great Christmas. For years, one of my family traditions was to have appetizers and snack type foods for Christmas eve. My family loves to eat this way (we call it "feast") and we can usually make some pretty fun foods from things we have around the house. Sometimes we'll buy a tray of shrimp as a special treat and make chocolate fondue with fruit and cake for dipping as a dessert. Slaving over a fancy meal on Christmas day, after weeks of shopping, wrapping and preparing is a terrible way to spend the day. Go potluck for big family gatherings and skip the traditional dinner for smaller gatherings. "Feast" on what you love.
- Artificial trees. I know. I once was a traditionalist. I could not fathom anything other than a fresh-cut evergreen for the holidays. But after a few years of trees so dry all the needles fell off, animals dumping over or drinking from the water in the stand, and more than a few impossibly crooked trees, we finally bought a fake tree. It wasn't meant to be permanent - I bought it because I wanted my soon to be visiting parents to see how pretty my tree was. But all the needles fell off and I had to throw the tree out. I just happened to be at a drugstore one day and there was an artificial tree 90% off! It didn't even have the original box, and the store staff just put it in a big box for me to take home. Each branch had to be fitted into the correct slot by hand. The plastic base broke one year and the tree fell on my head. We fixed it with duct tape. Finally, this year, we bought a new, pre-lit tree from Costco. The overall savings has been about $640 in the years since we've had the artificial tree. We paid $250 for our new tree. The savings alone is astounding. And the evergreen scent? It comes in a bottle these days and is incredibly similar to the real thing.
- Just don't. Don't spend too much. Don't feel you need to buy the latest gadget or get everything on your kids' lists. Don't feel obligated to run out and buy that expensive electronic they suddenly ask for a week before Christmas. Don't try to do everything.

I'm still working on that last one. But even a little savings here and there adds up. And it's nice to go into the new year debt-free from the holidays. As much as I'd love to take my kids to see a show downtown, complete with dinner and holiday festivities, my two youngest just spent the last two hours constructing a fort to sleep in. It's a holiday tradition, started by them and continued by them. It's magical and fun and little-kiddish and doesn't cost a cent. I'm going to go see it now. Have fun saving money! :)

Good dog, Charlie!

2011-12-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

On December 18, 2011, our sweet, faithful dog Charlie passed away peacefully in Jeff's arms at a local pet hospital. Charlie had been sick and diagnosed with advanced diabetes, an enlarged heart and Addison's disease in mid-November. There was not much to be done, so we spent the next few weeks feeding him a special diet and giving him lots of love and attention. Over the past couple of weeks, he lost an alarming amount of weight and began to go downhill fast. The night of my birthday, December 17, we decided it was time for him to be put down. We planned it for Monday, but on Sunday, he took a significant turn for the worse and we decided it was time. Jeff took him to a local pet hospital where he was able to hold Charlie in a comfortable room while he was given an injection and passed away peacefully in Jeff's arms wrapped in a blanket from home. It was a sad, sad day for our family, and especially for Arlie, who has had Charlie her entire life. He has been a constant companion to her for 13 years. Here's a look back at the life of our beloved Charlie, otherwise known as "Chuck", "PorkChuck", "Chuckieeeeee", "Fatness" and "Chuckaroobiedoobie".

He was a beggar of food.......

His favorite place to sleep was by the fire........

He loved his girl!

He sought a soft place to sleep, even if it was a blanket thrown on the coffee table!

He loved Grayland beach! His ashes will be scattered here.

He loved his boy!

He was a snazzy dresser!

He struck a handsome pose!

He was dashing, if not a bit rotund.

His best doggie friend and companion was Shade.

He enjoyed sunning himself on the front lawn.......

He looked dapper in his plaid sweater.

He always greeted you when you walked through the door.

He made a great pillow!

He was a wonderful workout companion!

He enjoyed a snowy day as long as it was followed up with a nap by the fire.

He loved to run on the beach with his best friends, Shade and Georgette.

He was a terrific dancing partner!

He was very stylish!

He even got married to Piper the dog, who lives across the street, in an elaborate ceremony.

He was humble......

He spent his last morning snuggled up to his daddy.....

We said our last goodbyes........

And he took his last car trip.

Charlie the dog.

1998-2011

We love you.

Scrooge Alert!

2011-12-14T22:59:00.000-08:00

Normally I love the holidays. I'm not sure why I "love" them, except that when my kids were little it was SO much fun to bring the magic of Christmas and presents and cookie baking and crafts and toys to their little worlds. As they get older, there's not as much magic. There's too much busy-ness, not enough time, cookies are generally baked from some prepackaged dough ON Christmas eve because there's nothing to leave out for Santa, no one is interested in crafts anymore (and who has time?) and it really does seem to be all about the gimmes.

Sure, the kids "love" Christmas. But I'm not sure exactly what they "love" about it. Is it the gifts? The anticipation of the gifts? Watching Christmas movies? Decorating the house? This year I was sick right after Thanksgiving which is when we traditionally decorate the house. I was in bed for five days and actually felt disdain from my kids for not putting up the tree. In the end, Jeff bought a new tree, and two of the four kids have still not put their decorations on it. Arlie ended up doing most of the decorating herself. When I was finally able to hobble from my deathbed to check the progress I was horrified to see the kids had put decorations out on dusty shelves and filthy floors that had not been vacuumed. I was too sick to care and it was days before I felt like things were sort of "done" being decorated.

Tonight I came home from being gone literally ALL day, working, running errands, mailing Christmas cards and packages, and driving Arlie to dance to find the kitchen a total disaster. Hayley had made cupcakes with her friends and neglected to clean up the mess. She just left it all over the place and went out to party with some more friends. Cupcake batter in the bowl tossed in the sink, un-rinsed, on top of a pile of other dishes. Both sides of the sink FULL of dirty dishes. Dinner food left out (no one ever bothers to put the food away after dinner - it's either Jeff or me - never anyone else). Counters are covered in sticky stuff, kitchen table covered with crap including a plate from LAST night's dinner that I reminded Hannah to pick up. But she ignored me. They all do. I post chore lists, I remind, I ask, I nag, I scream, I yell, I ignore. Nothing changes. No one does anything. If they do anything at all, they do it half-assed and never with any intention of doing their best.

Many times I've watched a piece of trash get kicked around the kitchen floor for days. It will migrate up the hallway, ending up in a totally different place, because NO ONE will pick it up. EVER. I've purposely not picked things up, just to see how long it will sit there and get kicked around. And the record is.....two weeks. And then I couldn't stand it anymore and picked it up myself.

Today my son ran out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom. He was within calling distance of anyone who was downstairs and could hear him, never mind he's glued to his cell phone at all times, so he could have easily remedied the situation with a text. Instead he used a roll of paper towels that was sitting in the bathroom (likely still there from the last time someone cleaned up dog pee, which seems to be a daily occurrence around her because ....guess what? No one lets the dogs out!). Any dummy knows you don't flush paper towels down the toilet, but he did. And then he threw the rest of the roll in the garbage! Jeff found it and wondered what jackwagon would throw away perfectly good paper towels? Harrison's explanation was that because he used them for toileting purposes he didn't want to touch them again because they were "germy". WHAT THE EFFFF???? He cares about germs? Then, why does he never change his sheets, or leave piles of dirty laundry stacked up in his room for months, or think tossing a paper towel over a saturated carpet of dog pee is adequate to sanitize the spot? These are the things that make me want to poke my own eyes out with a fork.

And what have I been doing every single day for the past two weeks? Shopping for Christmas presents. Agonizing over whether I have "enough" for each kid, worrying that I don't have the perfect gift for their "big" present, buying extra presents for them to unwrap along with their advent house openings because candy doesn't seem adequate enough. So far they've opened two movies, a Wii game, a coloring book and a CD of Christmas songs. Why? Why do I think they need more. More. More.

They don't even take care of what they have now. Their rooms are piled with dirty laundry and "stuff". They have so many clothes, they can go without doing a load of laundry for weeks before they run out of things to wear. The girls have jewelry they never wear. There are games that are never played, iPods that can't be found because someone was too irresponsible to take care of it, and more than once, I've found Christmas gifts on the floor of their closets months later with the tags still on them. They want for NOTHING.

And yet, every year I buy them a treasure trove of gifts. I try to stick to a budget, but with the expensive electronics that top their lists, it's hard to get more than one thing within the budget I can afford. I try to keep up the magic of a tree overflowing with packages that seems to double in size on Christmas morning. I spend, quite literally, DAYS buying and wrapping gifts only to have them opened in a half hour of frenzied paper ripping, then put into haphazard piles while they go on with their day. I have to nag them to take their piles up to their rooms. And they sit there. Forever. They pull things off the pile bit by bit - clothes they want to wear, body wash they want to use, but most of it gets buried under dirty clothes and forgotten. One year, after spending several weekends cleaning their rooms, I found a whole shoe box full of beauty products, jewelry and makeup that had never been opened. I put it all in my "gift" box for birthdays and such and doled it out over the next few years whenever the kids needed a gift for a birthday party they were attending. They didn't even remember it had once been theirs.

And now. It's December 14 and I cannot remember what all I've bought. I thought I was "done" shopping days ago, but I keep remembering something or someone else I need a gift for. I could not tell you everything I've purchased for each kid. I have no clue how much I've spent. I started out keeping track of everything down to the penny. And then things got crazy and I got sick and I simply ran out of time to keep it up.

I mailed packages to my family minus the home-baked treats I wanted to include. The only Christmas baking I've done is to bake up some of those preformed and stamped Christmas tree cookies from Pillsbury. I have big plans to make homemade Bailey's and treats for the neighbors but I have no idea when I'll have time to do that.

One thing that normally gets me in the spirit of the season is holiday gatherings and attending the kids' holiday concerts and performances. I missed Arlie's band concert and both of Hannah's choir concerts (one because I was sick, the others because Hannah was sick). I missed the one holiday party we were invited to. I'm missing my work holiday party because I've already committed to something else the same night. I also enjoy receiving and reading Christmas cards. I've received exactly four cards this year. I'm guessing either everyone is as behind as I am or people just aren't sending cards this year. Maybe I should take a cue from them. I spent twice as much on our holiday card this year because I went with a different printer and I wrote our Christmas letter in about ten minutes and it wasn't funny or clever or witty as I hoped it would be.

I have a whole list of holiday activities I want to do but no idea when we'll fit them in before everyone goes to their other parents' homes for the remainder of the holiday. We only get the first week of vacation with them, and really not even the first whole week as my kids go to their dad's on the 23rd and don't come home until late on the 24th. I get cheated out of a whole day of "my" week which makes our family time together even shorter. We always run out of time to do all the fun things I've planned and then they're gone. It's so much stress and not enough fun. Every year I say I'm going to do something different......cut back, do something meaningful, spend more quality time, not get caught up in the craziness. And every year nothing changes. I feel like throwing in the towel. It's not like we have a big, extended family celebration. We rarely have visitors at Christmas time. We could do anything we want and no one would care. We could "skip Christmas" and go on a vacation. We could spend more time doing things together and less time shopping and spending money we don't have. But we don't. And I'm not sure why. Nothing changes because I don't change it. I'm the keeper of the traditions and if I change things, I, alone, will bear the wrath. I feel stuck and I don't know how to change things. But things....they need changin'.

I was RIGHT!

2011-12-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

For all of you internet-searchers, you hypochondriac, Web-Md searchers. You, who seem to have every symptom listed under all fatal diseases, you who self-diagnose and then avoid the doctor because 1. you don't need to give them the $15 copay if you already know what you have, or 2. you're scared to find out you might be right. This post is for you.

I was right. I turned to the internet in my despair last week, sicker than I've ever been, to desperately try to find SOMETHING that made sense for the symptoms I was having. What on earth could be ailing me? And why wasn't I getting better? Being logical, and somewhat of a closet doctor wanna-be, I eliminated the most obviously WRONG things and started delving deeper into the strange and uncommon. And I hit pay dirt! I found my symptoms, exactly my symptoms, listed under an evil name: campylobacter. This is an insidious bacteria that one can become infected with in handling raw poultry (Thanksgiving dinner prep? Check!). Some people who come in contact with it never become sick. But for those who do, let's just say it might be the sickest you've ever felt. You might say "I'm dying" and you could be right, although only about 124 people a year actually die from this bacteria. Most people with this illness will get better in about ten days, but the average person will not be able to tolerate ten days of absolute misery, and will see a doctor. In severe cases (mine) antibiotics are needed to kill the bacteria (side note - I requested a zpac for my illness, the antibiotic known best to kill this bacteria. However, since my test results were not in, the doctor prescribed Cipro, which also kills salmonella. Turns out I needed the zpac so after five days on Cipro, I will now be on azithromyacin for five additional days. Shoulda listened to me, doc!).

Most people recover completely but some will develop arthritis, or, even more baffling, a rare nerve disease called Guillain-Barre syndrome which results in paralysis that lasts several weeks and requires intensive care. It is estimated that one in 1000 cases of campylobacteriosis results in this disease. I REALLY hope that does not happen to me. Worse, it takes several weeks after the illness for this to occur. So, "out of the woods" is a relative term and the effects of this illness can last a long, long time.

One of the most common ways to contract this illness is through cross-contamination from uncooked poultry to other foods. It only takes one drop of poultry juice to contaminate other food or utensils. I believe I contracted this while preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The really disturbing part is that I am fastidious about cross-contamination and food safety. Just ask my husband! I wash the tops of cans before I open them. I throw out food that's three or more days old. If anything is even slightly "off" I throw it out. I am a stickler for washing hands after handling meat and NEVER using the same cutting board for different foods unless it's been washed in the dishwasher. I wash knives and utensils between uses if I'm going to use them on another food product. I wash my hands CONSTANTLY when preparing meat. I scrub the sink with Comet after it's come in contact with raw meat. I wipe up meat juice spills with antibacterial wipes and/or bleach. I'm a stickler.

And yet, I got sick. I don't know how it happened. I followed all the precautions. The only thing I didn't do was wear rubber gloves when handling the turkey (which I will do in the future - IF I ever prepare another turkey - ick!). It's possible a knife my son was using to cut apples and fruit for a salad could have come close to a utensil I was using on the turkey. I don't know. But what I do know is that I got sick two days after Thanksgiving and was sick in bed for the next five days. I had no energy for anything, I ran a fever, I had cramps that were as painful as labor (and I can say this with authority because I've given birth unmedicated more than once!). I had nonstop diarrhea, nausea, and ate almost nothing for five days. I drank a gallon of Gatorade and couldn't get enough ice. The only good news was I lost ten pounds, but I would NOT recommend this as a weight-loss plan. I'm still recovering - most food still sounds gross to me, and I have very little energy.

The lesson here: one, sometimes you CAN diagnose yourself from the internet. Two, no matter how careful you are, you can still pick up a nasty bacteria even with the best and most careful preparation of food. And three, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you. BE CAREFUL! After this illness I am seriously considering becoming vegetarian. I'm not sure if I can ever prepare a turkey again. We might have to start a new tradition of having tacos on Thanksgiving. Bon apetit!

Sick as a...........

2011-12-02T22:13:00.000-08:00

So, it turns out I was sick. Sick as a....dog? I dunno - my dogs barf all the time so I don't really know what a sick dog does. All I know is I was as sick as I've EVER been. I missed all but Friday of work. Way to start a new job by taking four sick days your first four days. Stellar.

I went to the doctor. She said it could be this or that or.....basically she didn't know. So, she gave me anti-nausea drugs. Only I wasn't really nauseated, and the drugs said "may cause headache" and I already had a screaming headache so I didn't take them. I fished around the house and found some Vicodin from when Hayley had her appendectomy two years ago. That only took the edge off the headache but it never quite went away. It was more of a searing, stabbing pain that took my breath away, followed by intense pressure in my head. The fever of 101 didn't help, and neither did throwing up on Monday night but thank God that was only once. And my stomach was empty. I have a serious aversion to vomiting. SERIOUS. I'd sell my soul to the Devil not to vomit. EVER. To me, it's the most out-of-control, overwhelming, aliens-are-taking-over-my-body feeling in the world. Right up there with labor and delivery of a baby, which is another time your body has a mind of its own. Well, you know what I mean. Obviously I did not suffer from morning sickness when I was pregnant, or I'd have only had one child. That's how much I hate to throw up.

Yep, it was just me and frequent, frequent trips to the bathroom. Like every ten minutes. All day and night. This is where buying quality toilet paper really pays off. Only I had inferior quality toilet paper. You know that commercial where the women talk about "getting real" about what goes on in the bathroom? Well, that shit got real. For real. And I sure wished I'd bought quilted Northern. Just sayin'.

And then there were the cramps that said "remember labor? wasn't that fun? let's do it again!" Holy moly! I thought I was going to be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" where I went to the bathroom and delivered an 8 lb human. It didn't help that I watched a marathon of that show while I was in misery. Just watching woman fake labor when your own body is wracked with pains is stupid. I figured that out after about two hours and finally turned it off.

And of course I tuned into the internet to self-diagnose after several days of not eating, drinking gallons of Gatorade, aching all over, running a fever, and having absolutely no energy. And what I found was interesting. Here's what I diagnosed myself with: campylobacteriosis. Big word, but it's basically a bacteria you can get infected with when handling raw poultry. Well, I wrestled a 20 lb turkey on Thanksgiving, and even though I'm always super paranoid about food-borne illness and very careful to not cross-contaminate things when cooking, it's possible that the tiniest drop of raw turkey juice contaminated me or something I touched, and caused this infection. And the symptoms were all there, all in the right time frame, AND no one else in my family got sick. If I had a stomach bug, surely at least one other person would have become ill in a week. But it was just me. And, once I got antibiotics on board, I started feeling better. If it was a virus, I'd still be sick.

So.......we'll see if I'm right. I won't have the test results for a few days, but I'm putting my money on the turkey poisoning. And if I'm right, we may never have turkey for Thanksgiving again. Or at least I'm not making it!

The antibiotics I got yesterday seemed to have turned things right around. It did take until this morning to feel human again, and just getting ready for work exhausted me. Working was both energizing and exhausting and I made it through the day without even a nap but I skipped a party tonight because I'm still dragging. I know it will take a few days to get my energy back, especially since I've had VERY little food during this whole ordeal. A few graham crackers, a little applesauce. I lost ten pounds. The only bonus about this illness for sure.

And today I actually felt HUNGRY again. But it came and went. It's always hard to start eating again when you haven't for days and nothing sounds good. Tonight the kids asked to order pizza and we did and that was good! I only had one piece, but it hit the spot. And my tummy started growling again around 9:30 p.m. and wouldn't you know it, I was hungry again? Only this time homemade chocolate chip cookies sounded divine. It took a lot of eyelash batting and pouting and playing the sick card but I got my husband to make them! Now I just can't wait for them to come out of the oven! Nothing cures what ails you like homemade love in the form of a warm cookie. And nothing makes you appreciate your health like feeling good again after being so sick. What a week!

Blarg.........

2011-11-27T18:43:00.000-08:00

'Tis the eve before the dreaded Monday. Not just any Monday but the Monday after the long Thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving day was lovely; despite the fact that I created the entire dinner on my own with little help from anyone (but thanks, Harrison, for helping a little bit!). I had actually been dreading making the whole big meal. I'm not great at getting a meal to come together at the right time and have everything hot and ready, especially a meal with so many components. I wasn't really all that excited for Thanksgiving anyway - it was just us and my ex, so it's not like we were expecting company. In fact, the house was quite messy. But as the day wore on, I actually kind of enjoyed doing all that work, spending hours in the kitchen creating what turned out to be a lovely and delicious meal. I even whipped up a couple of pies, which I had not planned to do, and had already purchased some frozen pies. And although they were really lopsided and strange-looking, they tasted good . At the last minute I even managed to create a pretty tablescape with candles and fall decorations.

But then.........the rest of the weekend was just pure laziness. Sleeping in, laying about, eating leftovers. And more leftovers. And more leftovers. In fact, I've had nothing but turkey, sweet potatoes, gravy, mashed potatoes and stuffing the entire weekend. I'm in serious need of a pizza. Or a salad. Or anything not containing turkey.

Adding to the blahs was the fact that it was pretty rainy all weekend (well, except for Friday, when it was beautiful and sunny and I begged my husband to get out in the sun but we didn't even leave the house until the sun was almost set!). We didn't participate in any Black Friday frenzy; I am fundamentally opposed to shopping on Black Friday unless it's online, but we did return a few things to Home Depot and Fred Meyer. Exciting stuff, I tell you.

I did get some things organized and weeded out and found two awesome new crafts to do which might turn into super cute Christmas presents (should I ever find the time, sigh!). My husband spent an entire day in bed, retreating downstairs only to fetch food and sodas. I did some online shopping, but we're broke so I kept having to transfer money from savings to cover my online purchases. Argh. Hate Christmas when there's no money. Also, the few days before Thanksgiving I had done some shopping after work and was woefully inconsiderate of the budget (whatever that is) so I spent an hour or so adding up what I spent so far (gulp!).

The kids are absolutely giddy over Christmas and "can't wait", and while I do love the season, it's hard to share their excitement when I'm the one shopping, fretting over the money, wrapping, preparing, baking, attending, coordinating and executing. Christmas is a busy, busy time.

We took our annual "Christmas picture" and, as usual, I turned into Sgt. Commander Mom and ordered everyone around and got irritated at the general lack of compliance that comes with taking Christmas pictures. Normally my kids are such hams. But only when they are the single subject in the picture. When it's a group photo? All bets are off. I honestly don't know why I even bother, but once a year I'd like a picture of all of us together. In the end, one of our goofiest poses made it onto the Christmas card, along with a few others, because, as my eldest put it, "that's more like our real family". It's true. We are nuts.

On Thanksgiving my son did a very graphic rendition of "I'm Sexy and I Know It", imitating the music video complete with pelvic thrusts and "wiggle, wiggle". It was totally inappropriate and over-the-top hysterical. I won't post it here because we've had our share of "stolen" pictures and I don't want it to get into the wrong hands, but if you're friends with me on Facebook, you can watch it and laugh, too. Or be appalled. Either way.

Today I woke up and my whole body hurt. My skin, my hair, everything. Flu? Not sure. I don't have a fever or stomach upset. But all of my muscles ache and I'm uncomfortable, which has made for a very unproductive day. I did manage to take my college daughter to coffee before she made the drive back to school. And I worried excessively, as I often do, over her driving across the mountain pass in icky weather. Jeff made the same trek about two hours later to pick up daughter number three and is on his way back now. I worry. I always worry.

And tomorrow is my first "official" day at my new job. I've already been there three days but technically as a "sub" so tomorrow is my first day on the payroll as a regular employee. I'm excited but anxious because I'm feeling so blah and I hope I feel better by tomorrow so I can greet the kids with enthusiasm. I am really excited about my new job.

I wonder what it is about "vacation" weekends that makes us so lazy? If we had family and friends in town visiting I'm sure we would have done a number of fun things. But it was just us. The kids were off doing their own things, one was out of town, and Jeff and I, well......we just were lazy. It's nice to just stay home sometimes and putter around and do stuff, but somehow this long weekend was a little TOO much relaxing. Jeff wanted to go fishing, but his buddies backed out. I wanted to go shopping but I ran out of money! But we still could have done any number of fun things for free, even just taking a walk in the sunshine.

Today I went through the holiday guide in the paper and made a list of fun (and free!) things we could do in the coming weeks to get in the holiday spirit. Currently my kids are cleaning in preparation for the indoor holiday decorations to come out (Jeff, bless his heart, already did the outdoor ones last week). Maybe once I see the stockings or our sad little $12 artificial tree we've been meaning to replace each year but can never justify the cost (despite the fact that it broke last year and fell on my HEAD), or the window clings we've had since the kids were babies in the windows, or the Western-themed Santa that dances and sings "Holly Jolly Christmas", or my Nativity set that doesn't match anything but I love anyway on the piano, maybe then I'll be more in the Christmas spirit.

Or maybe when I make that first batch of homemade Bailey's...........God bless us, one and all!

Thanksgiving eve........

2011-11-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

'Tis the eve of Thanksgiving and I have not prepared one pie, chopped a single onion, unwrapped one stick of butter. My turkey is still partially frozen. I know all you Martha Stewart wannabes have already made your pies in advance, made your own bread for stuffing last week, starched your table linens, and painstakingly prepared adorable centerpieces for the table out of fall leaves and pine cones. Well, la-di-dah for you.

I'm tired and I have a new job and I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping these past few days. I bought all my Thanksgiving dinner supplies last Sunday so everything is here in the house. I'm sure I'll have some semblance of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, green beans and homemade rolls put together by tomorrow around dinner time. I might make a dessert if I have time, but if not, I was proactive and bought two pies. They're in the freezer.

I never understood why my mother got up before dawn on Thanksgiving day to put the turkey in. A turkey does not take all day to cook. But we always ate really early on Thanksgiving day. Why? Why, if it's called "Thanksgiving dinner" did we eat at 2 in the afternoon? And who decided we had to have all those traditional foods anyway? I love me some mashed 'tatoes and gravy, and sweet potatoes are delish, but honestly, the turkey is just "eh" and stuffing is gross.

I think all festive holiday meals should include "feast", my favorite dinner of all time. Feast is when you have a bunch of different foods. Ideally it would include several different appetizers, dips and fancy cheeses and crackers. Then, there would be all manner of fruits and veggies arranged in colorful displays on platters. There might be chocolate to dip the fruit in, and some savory dips for the veggies. In short, there would be many choices, some sweet, some savory, all delicious. Who wants to cook and clean all day for one heavy, fatty, greasy meal that leaves you bloated and tired?

I guess I'd feel differently if we were having company. Then, I'd feel obligated to clean, and set the table all fancy and serve up a feast. But it's "just us" and I'd rather just enjoy time with my family than cook. I don't like to cook anyway. I love preparing appetizers and desserts, but preparing an entire meal feels like drudgery to me. Especially one that involves a twenty pound turkey. I say the new Thanksgiving dinner is this: shrimp platter with cocktail sauce, Little Smokies in barbeque sauce, sausage balls, something made with Pillsbury crescent rolls, Beecher's Flagship cheese and fancy crackers, fruits (perhaps something fancy - figs?), veggies and dips, bruschetta, parmesan crisps. Dessert would be chocolate fondue with fruits and cake to dip, homemade chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter balls, and mini pumpkin pies. Everything would be served on super cute paper plates with matching napkins and cups. We'd sit around and watch old family videos, look through photo albums, play some games, maybe watch a movie. We'd take lots of pictures, and get in our jammies early and watch TV. That would be a day I look forward to. Not one that involves taking a gizzard out of a turkey. Maybe it's time for a new tradition..........

My week away.......

2011-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

I got to spend approximately 4.3 glorious days away recently, visiting my sister and niece in Boise. My primary goal for going was to meet my most beautiful new niece, Lila. But of course there were additional bonuses like adorable, sweet Jackson and funny, smart Kaden. And the adults. They were nice to visit too. I even got to see my other sister, so the three of us sisters were together (a rarity). We didn't take any pictures together but that's ok, because the middle sister has lost 100 lbs recently and makes us other two sisters look like the ugly stepsisters, Jenny Craig edition. So, we collectively hate her and love her at the same time. Skinny bitch. :)

But this was the VERY first time I've ever been away, on my own, for that length of time. How sad is that? I've been a mom for over eighteen years and this is the first solo trip extending past a weekend? Also, I was gone during the school week, which added a fun, new twist for my husband. Besides being mom AND dad, he got to deal with a crisis involving a leotard (that's the thing you wear on your body, tights are what you wear on your legs), had to drive a child to school who missed the bus (always one of my favorite pastimes) and, sadly, had to deal solo with a dog's health crisis (including breaking the sad news to the kids that our beloved Charlie is very sick). I, on the other hand, had to deal only with decisions like whether to have the cookie dough brownie or the magic cookie bar with my daily coffee at the cafe, or which baby to hold and cuddle. Ah, life.

And now that I'm back, and fully into the throes of the household again, I realize there are some things I did NOT miss about being away. The biggest and most obvious: I did NOT miss my dogs. I know, that's so mean, but Shade's incessant whining, the frenzied barking at the door by three overreacting dogs and the general dog hair, slobbery water mess on the floor....nah, didn't miss that at all. Sure, I felt bad about Charlie and when I came back I snuggled with him in front of his favorite spot - the fireplace - and took a nap with him, but I did not miss the chaos that comes from having dogs.

I also did not miss having to make school lunches. Bleh. Last night I went to make lunches. But then I decided to quick switch the laundry around and put my clothes in the dryer. But then there was no basket. I heard they were all in Harrison's room. I went to get one. His floor was covered with clothes and several upended laundry baskets, one of which contained his $400 bass lying haphazardly inside a laundry basket (huh?). As I was retrieving a basket, I noticed several of my own clothing items on the floor. What the.....?? I picked through the mess and retrieved my own clothes as well as a couple of pairs of yoga pants and a t-shirt belonging to his sister. I put all the towels from the floor into one basket. I separated his darks and lights into his laundry basket. And I finally got three empty laundry baskets to take into the laundry room where I found my clothes mysteriously missing. Funny thing, while I was cleaning HIS room, he had dumped my clean clothes into a basket and deposited them in MY room.

I finally descended the stairs to make lunches. I put grapes into five baggies. Put out a yogurt for each lunch. Made sandwiches. Cut up five oranges and squeezed them into snack bags (p.s. the average-sized orange just barely fits into a standard sized, Ziploc snack bag). Juice boxes, water bottles, spoons, napkins and a handiwipe and lunches were finally done. But then I noticed the cereal shelf was a mess. And some of the cereal was sitting on the floor. So, I organized the cereal shelf and found a half-full box of Lucky Charms that had gone stale because someone was too lazy to fold down the inner bag. I found out we had three opened boxes of Rice Krispies. And that someone had deposited a box of granola upside down on the shelf. Sigh.

And then I had to clean up the kitchen and ask my daughter to unload and load the dishwasher which was met with an audible sigh and complaint because she was watching the AMA awards on TV (which she can see from the dishwasher!). And I had to wipe down the counters and collect the dirty dish towels and cloths and head upstairs with my laptop, a pile of dirty kitchen towels (plus one bath towel I found on the stairs!), a permission slip I needed to sign and a handful of lens cleaner wipes with which to clean my dirty laptop.

This entire process took about two hours. And I was just going to "go make lunches" and be back upstairs in twenty minutes to attend to all the things I needed to do on my computer since it had not been communicating with my wireless connection all weekend and was therefore useless to me. I stayed up till almost midnight sending emails, filling in my calendar with appointments, checking my Facebook and online shopping for Christmas.

In Boise, my computer worked, I didn't have to make school lunches, or pick up anyone's dirty towels, or clean cereal off the floor. I slept in every day, went to bed when I felt like it, spent my day snuggling cute babies and even snuck in a little shopping (sparkly shoes - yay!). Vacations are good. Being home is good. But it's not a vacation. And now I'm going to be late for work! Bye!

Signs that the holidays are near..........

2011-11-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

It's unavoidable - the Halloween decorations in stores in August leading up to.....Christmas. What happened to Thanksgiving? No one cares about Thanksgiving. Poor Thanksgiving tries it's hardest with the turkey and fixings, the cozy family feeling, the month or so of gratitude posts on Facebook. But Thanksgiving fairly wobbles beneath the trappings of Christmas and can barely stand on it's own turkey legs under the weight of the holiday decorations, commercials, and sparkling lights. I mean, when did you last see a strand of Turkey lights? Pilgrim costumes in stores? A craft class at Micheal's on how to make an authentic Indian headdress?

Last week I went to the mall with my kids. Walking into Bath and Body Works, my daughter started hyperventilating. Literally. The store was dripping with holiday decorations; giant ornaments hanging from the ceiling, the overpowering scents of peppermint and spruce. Even my "non-shopping" daughter was so overwhelmed with the holiday spirit she uttered the words "I'm so glad we came to the mall!" I admit I bought a couple of candles (Winter Cabin and Winter Garland) and was besotted with a color-changing nightlight/air freshener ("It's only $15! We should get it!").

Then, tonight, as we drove out of the neighborhood on our way to the mall again (this time to purchase a very non-holiday-ish vacuum cleaner), I was shocked, no stunned, no appalled, to see that a neighbor has already put up their Christmas lights and decorations. It's November 11. Veteran's Day, no doubt. I realize there are not a lot of exciting decorations in the retail world for Thanksgiving. But I have seasonal candles in my house, my front porch is decorated with pumpkins and fall leaves and scarecrows and I have Pilgrim and turkey window clings. It's homey. And warm. And Thanksgiving-ish.

I understand that Christmas is exciting when you're a child. Even as an adult, I look forward to many things about the Christmas season. But to build Christmas up so huge is bound to lead to disappointment. My kids are so excited about Christmas they can barely contain themselves. They've made lists. One of them has a pre-lit Christmas tree in her room that's been up since Halloween. To each his (or her) own. But I wonder if the hype about Christmas is the right kind of hype.

I love to be festive, and you can bet the weekend of Thanksgiving our house will transform from turkeys and pilgrims to red, white and green and everything in between. We give the Griswolds a run for their money. Every Christmas I have big plans: make cookies with the kids (usually happens - sometimes on Christmas eve), make a beautiful handmade card (haha, never happens - Costco to the rescue!), take the kids to a Christmas show; the Nutcracker, A Christmas Carol, Radio City Christmas Spectacular (happens about once every four years), put really creative stuff in the Advent House (never get creative, put candy in instead), make Christmas crafts (hasn't happened in years but I've already got a box started), make delicious homemade goodies for friends and neighbors (usually happens, but never what I originally planned), spend many cozy evenings watching traditional Christmas movies wearing Christmas pajamas, sipping hot cocoa with the kids (happens maybe once - if we're lucky). The point is, we build and build and build the excitement and in the end, it's just one day.

From a religious standpoint, that might sound like blasphemy - just one day? It's the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. But do we, really? I haven't been to church on Christmas in years. I kind of like church on Christmas. It's so festive. I know for some families, Christmas is a time to strengthen their belief and renew the spirit of the miracle of Christmas. And that's great. But when it comes right down to it, the birth of our Savior has nothing to do with the newest iPod touch or Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. How did we get here?

I think the point is to savor the moment. Instead of rushing headlong into the holidays, why not savor the most mundane of months? Why not give November it's due? After all, November is when leaves swirl and turn in all of their garnet glory. The air is heavier with the smell of earth and leaf and change. The days are cooler - why not relish in the glory of wearing that first cozy sweater? The furnace is turned on, the fireplace stoked. Tea and coffee warm our tummies and hands. Dark comes earlier; a chance to cocoon inside a bit longer. Candlelight casts shadows making our old familiar house take on a new comfort. A turkey roasts, pies are baked, and we reflect on the things we're most grateful for. November is about simple pleasures. Don't rush it.

The middle of the night........

2011-11-07T04:06:00.000-08:00

What exactly is the MIDDLE of the night? I guess it depends on what time you go to bed. I fell asleep sometime around 11 p.m. last night and woke up at 2:45 a.m. I guess that counts as the "middle". So, I'm up in the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm too hot. Or I'm too cold. Or something. Not even sure what woke me in the first place. The only reason I'm even on my computer is because I left it downstairs, so I won't disturb anyone with my clickety-clack typing.

Here's how it goes: I wake up and toss and turn for a half hour. Or an hour. Or longer before I finally decide to just get up. But herein lies the dilemma. Where do I go? Downstairs is the logical choice, since the family is sleeping upstairs. It would make sense to take up residence on the couch, but then I'd be cold and need a snuggly blanket and I didn't think to bring one down with me. Then, comes the "do I turn on the lights?" dilemma. Some studies say that once light hits your retina, your body thinks it's morning and you will have a much harder time falling back to sleep. And when one wakes in the middle of the night, that is the goal - to go back to sleep already!

So, no lights. But then.....in the dark, there might be a spider. I mean, that's logical, right? The very room I'm sitting in once housed a giant spider so who knows if there's another one? Spiders like to lurk in the dark. There's no way in hell I'm sitting on the black leather couch. Spider camoflauge. Because it would only take one time having a giant spider crawl on me in the dark to keep me from ever leaving my bed in the middle of the night. But there's nothing worse than trying to be quiet in my bed so I don't wake my husband while tossing and turning. So, I left.

I chose a relatively safe chair where my computer happened to be residing. And I checked my email. Mostly junk. And I checked my Facebook. Mostly boring. And now I'm hungry because my body thinks it's morning and breakfast time. My faithful companion, Georgette the black lab, has accompanied me downstairs and I can even hear HER stomach growling. So, it's not just humans.

I always wonder why I woke in the first place. I swear earlier in the night I was poked hard in the arm, right in the spot where I just got a flu shot, by my husband, likely because I was snoring. I just remember waking abruptly to shooting pain from a shove to the arm. Rude. I can't help it if I snore. I'm sleeping, for cryin' out loud! I can't be responsible for my actions when I'm in deep slumber.

Whatever the reason, I'm up. Normally I'd enjoy the extra time to get something done. But what can one do at 4 a.m. without disturbing the household? It's not like I can turn on the vacuum or run a load of laundry. I really just want to be in bed. But I want to be sleeping there, not tossing and turning and thinking about how tired I'm going to be in the morning.

Blarg. Insomnia sucks.

What to do with all that leftover Halloween candy........

2011-11-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

I stole that title from the many, many articles of the same (or similar) title I've seen in the past few days. What on earth can we do with all that leftover Halloween candy? Do a candy buy-back? Let the kids pick their five favorite pieces and chuck the rest? Take it to the break room at work? Let the kids conduct science experiments with it?

Here's an idea. EAT IT! Yes, that's right, I give you permission to eat it. Or let your kids eat it. Or let your kids eat the stuff you don't like but steal the stuff you do and hide it in your nightstand drawer. Or whatever. The point is, if you really, really do not want your child to consume a vat of candy, then don't let them go trick or treating for it in the first place! If you only want them to eat five pieces, then only go to five houses. But I say if you dressed them up and trotted them out in public begging for free candy, then the least you can do is eat it!

Let's face it, what other time of year do you walk around getting free candy? How many times do you bring home a haul of sweets in a pillowcase? So, go ahead and eat it. I'm not condoning letting your kid go all-out and consume a bowlful of candy in one sitting. No way. 'Cause you know who's gonna clean up the barf later. I'm just saying that it's ok to let your kids eat their own Halloween candy.

When my kids were little, I'd sort through their candy under the guise of "checking it." That was code for "let mommy pick out her favorites and try to convince you that Reese's are yucky." Then, and I'm not embarrassed to admit this, I'd put it all together, sort it into varieties, put the yucky stuff in a container (dubbed "the candy jar" even though it wasn't a jar) and let the kids have a piece now and then. I'd put some in their lunches for a few days and after a week or so, they had pretty much forgotten about it. I'd then feel bad about throwing it away so I'd come up with some sort of dessert to make with chopped up candy, which was generally a fail, but somehow it felt better to throw away a Snickers cake than a bag of Snickers. Go figure.

And the good news is this - there will be MORE candy on Christmas! Yes, Christmas is an official Candy Holiday, too. So, before all the candy corn is gone, there are chocolate-covered cherries and candy canes. So, I throw out the Halloween candy (if there is any left over) and start collecting Christmas candy. After the first week or two of January, looking at a candy cane generally makes a person sick, so it's time to clear out the candy jar for....Valentine's Day! Yes, those conversation hearts and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates are sure to be entering your house so might as well toss the Christmas candy and get ready for the heart day sweets. Now, there is a bit of a candy drought between Valentine's day and the next official Candy Holiday which is Easter, but if you play your cards right, you can stretch it. Easter brings jelly beans and chocolate bunnies, which, if you get the large, solid chocolate variety, can last well into early summer. My kids were once given huge, solid chocolate bunnies which they never even opened. Again, I felt bad just throwing them away so I painstakingly chopped them into tiny bits and baked them into a banana cake. Yum!

Once the jelly bellies are gone, one must not despair for July fourth is just around the corner and all manner of red, white and blue candies abound! The Great Candy Drought comes between July fourth and Halloween, but it's tempered by the many chocolate candy bars consumed in summer s'mores.

So, you see, the candy is here to stay. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If your kids don't eat it all, you will, and if you don't eat it, you'll just pass it on to someone who will. I used to have a hard and fast rule that I'd only buy candy for Halloween that I didn't like so that after the holiday, should any be left over, I would not feel bad throwing it out. Laffy Taffy? Yuck! Skittles? Ewww! Starburst? Ick. But Hershey's? Reese's? Three Musketeers? Yummmmm!!! See a pattern?

I ended up this year with a whole bag of unopened candy corn. And, lucky me, I happened to find a recipe for white chocolate fudge topped with candy corn and containing bits of pretzels. A salty-sweet combo that sounded too good to be true. I'm going to make it. I'll let you know how it turns out. In the meantime, if anyone has any leftover Reese's, send them my way. My kids finally figured out that they're not yucky.

The (dis)order of things........

2011-11-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible to keep a house clean. Oh sure, you can CLEAN a house, but can you KEEP it clean? Not with kids and dogs and a kitten. I thought having one child away at college would surely cut down on the mess. And while the bedroom stays clean (but only because I spent three days, three precious days that I will NEVER get back, of my life cleaning it), and there are fewer ice-cream bowls and cups next to the computer, the general orderliness, or lack thereof, of the house is frightful.

For instance: at this very moment there are swim goggles on my bathroom counter. One of those large packaging tape dispensers is on the kitchen counter. The family room floor contains these items: a jacket, a pair of socks, candy wrappers, a large clump of dog hair, a video game and a stuffed monkey. Tonight I sorted socks and came up with five pairs and a basket of mismatched socks the size of a six-quart crockpot. From where I'm sitting I can see a blue feather boa, a pair of coveralls, a textbook, a bag full of bags (you know, the reusable variety? They are ever so useful when they are sitting in the entryway of my house and not with me at the store.), a Halloween skull, a bag of tealights, and a coupon for a free pizza. Within my arm's reach, I see a Victoria's secret bag, a gift bag, a coupon insert from the paper, a notepad, two bills, a bank statement and a Target bag full of candy (mostly wrappers) from trick-or-treating.

Sometimes I wish I were Amish. They don't have a lot of crap. We are the exact opposite of Amish. While the Amish favor a simple life with few material goods, we favor a life of chaos filled with crap. How much better my life would be if I simply had to choose between the blue and the brown dress each day. Instead, I have a dresser drawer with at least ten pairs of jeans in that don't even fit me! The really scary part is that I regularly "purge" stuff - clothes, household goods, craft items, even food. I always have a few large bags to give away when the donation trucks roll into the neighborhood. And we still have more.

George Carlin says we need "a place for our stuff". We get more stuff, and we buy a bigger place. I'm stopping at this house. This is the biggest house I ever hope to live in - from here I wish to continue to downsize until all I have left is a double-wide trailer and a toaster oven. Ok, not really. I still need shoes. But the point is, we all seem to have too much stuff. And that creates disorder and chaos and general discontent. Take my daughter's room, for instance (not the college daughter - her room is clean, remember?). My other daughter. Who is in high school. Who has a lot of clothes. And crap. And does not have any sense of order or organization. She is content to spend her days trodding upon her clean clothing, throwing candy wrappers on the floor and never dusting her room. Once I cleaned her room and found a spider in a pile of stuffed animals. I told her she would have spiders crawling on her while she slept (she was much younger then, so what? Scaring is a great parenting tactic!). That did not entice her to change her ways. Not at all. In fact, I'm certain she has spiders crawling in her room on a regular basis but does she care? She does not. Her room is a dark cave of despair. And she loves it. She crawls into her bed overflowing with Pillow Pets and a down comforter that "snows" feathers every time it moves and cocoons herself in her own disorder.

I get a little crazy when things get too bad. I grew up the worst of all pack rats. I could not bear to part with anything, ever. My room looked......well, like my daughter's room. I would spend a whole day about four times a year cleaning my room and then I'd be so proud, I'd make my whole family come and look at it. Once, in an attempt to win me over with humor, my mom posted a different poem each day, outlining how to clean my room, to my door. I laughed but did not get the hint. It wasn't until I was in my own apartment with roommates that I began to care at all what my room looked like. I like order and neatness as much as the next person, but I've found that my efforts are erased within minutes. I'll wipe off the kitchen counter and my husband will set his icky lunch box on it. Or a dog hair appears. And another. And another. The other day one of my kids put their SHOES on the kitchen table! Their shoes, with their sticky, germy, bacteria-ridden soles touching the place where we EAT! Who DOES that?

I honestly don't know how other people do it. I walk into their houses and see things in order, the white carpets neatly vacuumed with perfect vacuum lines, nary a dog hair on the counter. Do they walk around with Lysol wipes and attack every indiscretion as it happens? Do they restrict their kids from touching anything, having any clothes or toys, throw away all their artwork? Do they have dogs that simply never get muddy feet?

I would say "I give up" but I can't. I mean, I don't want anyone to report me to CPS or feature me on an episode of "Hoarders". But I really do not know how to keep a house clean when children, animals and a husband live in it. I told my husband last week that I wanted my own apartment. I don't think he bought it. I mean, I'm actually fantasizing about a new vacuum. My old one isn't working so well and the cheap replacement I bought is no match for our filth. I NEED the latest version of my old one. I actually get giddy when I go into the cleaning aisle at the grocery store. Today I bought antibacterial wipes and toilet bowl cleaners. I yearn for a clean and sparkling house that actually smells like "spring breeze" and not "dog breath". And yet, given the choice to clean my bathroom or waste an hour on Facebook, I'll choose the latter. I WANT a clean house, I just don't want to do it myself! Because I know no matter how much effort I put in, it will be ruined in a matter of minutes, hours or days. And who has time for that?

Happy Sexy Halloween!

2011-10-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Halloween is big business. Once only a "niche market" Halloween has grown to be a billion-dollar industry, surpassed only by Christmas in the world of retail craziness. In August you can now buy candy corn, scarecrows appear, and pumpkins have been for sale since early September.

Every year we've done up Halloween big around the ole Moore/Gordon household. We have homemade scarecrows, carved pumpkins, decorations everywhere. This year I put a ban on spider webbing, because, seriously, that crap gets EVERYWHERE and I'm still picking spider webbing out of the chains of my porch swing to this day. We've got fake gravestones in the front yard and candy corn lights. And, for the first time, we've got serious competition going on from the neighbors on both sides. Suffice it to say, we like Halloween.

Most years we've thrown a big Halloween bash. People come in costume and we've even awarded prizes. This year it didn't quite work out with our schedules, but the kids, nonetheless, are still all about costumes and what they are going to "be".

I'll admit I'm not too excited about Halloween this year. I've been extra-busy and pulling together a party or decorating the house to the nines just hasn't been my priority. I did buy my candy early, when it was on sale, but my husband has seriously depleted my stock over the past few weeks (he will hotly dispute this).

So, this year Harrison decided he wanted to be a "psycho clown", toting a chainsaw. Um. There's no way I'm letting my 12-year-old run around with a chainsaw. So, he suggested I just buy one of the many "fake chainsaws" for sale. And herein lies the problem. The budget is tight (when is it NOT?) and I decided this year we simply do not need to spend money on costumes. We have an entire dresser full of dress-up clothes, tons of makeup, and pretty much everything we need to pull together a costume or two right in this house.

I'll admit that year after year, I have spent $30-40 per kid on a costume from the party store. Add that up times four kids, or six if you include the adults, and that's a hefty sum to spend on a cheap costume that will be worn once. When I was a kid, I don't remember EVER buying costumes. I do remember my mom once made me a kitty costume. After that, I'm pretty sure I was a "hobo" or "cowgirl" year after year. Whatever was lying around the house, we turned into a costume that would suffice for one night of candy hauling.

But the kids always have specific requests. Arlie wants to be Alice in Wonderland. I put out a plea on Facebook hoping someone would have a costume we could borrow. No dice. I looked on Craig's List. And that's when I realized that unless we spend $40 at the party store for the "cute" Alice in Wonderland costume, the only thing out there is the "sexy" version. And I don't think my 13-year-old needs to be wearing fishnets and lacy panties under her Alice in Wonderland costume. When did costumes for children's book and movie characters become "sexy"? There's sexy Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, sexy vampires, and every sexy Disney Princess under the sun. All of the costumes involve a very short dress, long stockings, and lots of lacy underlayers.

Hayley decided she wanted to be the Cheshire Cat for Halloween. Guess what her costume turned out to be? Sexy Cheshire Cat!! Since when is the Cheshire Cat sexy? For one thing, he's a fat dude smoking a hookah. How do you sexify that? But someone did, because she bought a sexy little dress, petticoat, cat ears and striped tail. And then she had buyer's remorse. Because she spent nearly $90 on it. So, she decided to put it on Craig's List hoping to recoup some of the money and went with a more reasonable black cat ensemble. But that still involved a leotard, booty shorts, cat ears and makeup. Sexy black cat.

Not wanting to spend money OR promote teen sex, I decided I would make Arlie a costume. What. A. Joke. My sewing skills are pretty much non-existent so to think I could a.) make a pattern out of paper using only an old dress of hers as a guide and b.) actually piece together a dress with bodice, sleeves and skirt, and matching apron, turned out to be a huge disaster. I did manage to piece together a bodice and sleeves which turned out to be too tight and crooked, and the skirt I sewed up looked more like Santa's sack than a Disney beauty's flowing skirt. So, I can't sew. Call Martha Stewart and report me.

Harrison was easier. I found a multi-colored clown wig on sale for $3. Found some white face paint and fake blood for about the same. And he found a pair of work coveralls of Jeff's that were sitting around needing to be sewn up. Now, I just have to sew them (and I CAN sew a straight line, so we're good) and figure out how to "splatter" them with blood that will wash out, and we're good to go. Arlie scraped around and came up with a flapper costume from Hayley's 17th birthday party, complete with fishnet stockings, long pearls and a feather boa. It's cute and it's free.

While I've never understood the retail frenzy that fuels holidays like Halloween and Christmas, I get that people want to celebrate. I'm as taken in as the next person when I see a giant orange and black display and all the various themed accessories that pull the whole "look" together. I, myself, purchased a few new decorations this year. What I don't understand is why we need to spend dozens of dollars on costumes and why they all need to be sexy or naughty. What ever happened to putting on a flannel shirt, smearing your face with ashes from the fireplace, tying a bundled bandanna around a stick and going as a hobo? It used to be about the candy haul. Now it's about seeing and being seen.

I've already made my caramel apples this season. Ate one on the way to work the other day. That was messy. I've refrained from stuffing myself with bite-sized candy bars or handfuls of candy corn, although I've snuck a few Reese's from the stash. This year Halloween is more about handing out the candy. For the first time, I won't be needed to escort children around for trick-or-treating so I can enjoy watching the little ones come to my doorstep dressed like ladybugs and Buzz Lightyear and put a Snickers into their pudgy little hands.

Until 9 p.m. when the sexy Cinderellas, naughty nurses and psycho serial killers come calling. And those are just the junior high kids. I'll fill their pillowcases with fun-sized snacks, too, because despite the abundance of lace-up bodices and Charlie Sheen costumes (one of this year's best sellers, btw), I understand that Halloween is about one night of being someone or something else. And who knows? I might just scrounge around and come up with a costume of my own. Let's see.....harried mother? Nah, I do that one every day. Witch? Do that one, too. Medusa? That's how I look every morning. I know! I'll dress up as a woman who has it all, including enough time. I wonder what she looks like?

And the love keeps coming...........

2011-10-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been the best of days around the old homestead. Yesterday evening we attempted to have a family meeting. Before we even started I heard this:
- Are we moving?
- Did one of you get fired?
- Is this going to ruin my day? Because I've had a really good day so far.......
- Is this going to end up with everyone mad? (side note: yes, it did. Sadly.)

Then, I launched into a carefully planned diatribe about chores, responsibilities, rules and budgets, with a little monetary incentive/reward program thrown in that was really a win-win for everyone. Here's the deal. Kids get paid a small amount each day they complete chores correctly and without being reminded. At the end of the week, if all went well, they are eligible for a bonus. Violations mean you pay us back. We can't afford a lot, but this would garner each kid roughly $30-35 a month if they just do what's expected of them in the first place. After the unveiling of the plan here is what I heard:
- So, you're basically going to just take all our money? (Talk about planning for failure!)
- This won't work because we don't have any money! (Duh, you have to earn it first!)
- Arlie's going to get all the money. (Well, hard work DOES equal good pay. And Arlie works hard).

Then, as always happens, there was the barrage of "well, she..." and "it's not my...." and "you always..." and "I never...". And things went downhill from there. And this is what I heard:
- You think she's SO perfect and she's not even your kid. Why don't you just adopt her? (Ouch.)
- This is bullshit. (If I swore at my mother, she'd have smacked my mouth. So sad that's no longer socially acceptable.)
- Shut up! (Excuse me?)

And I got mad. Because, personally, I don't think kids should swear at their parents and tell them to shut up. Call me conservative. And also? It's human nature to get defensive and angry when your weaknesses are pointed out. Things like laziness and lack of motivation. Generally when we get mad and defensive it's because of someone other than the person talking to us. It's the one in the mirror.

It's not like we're asking for hard labor. No one is digging ditches or sweating in a coal mine. I mean, really, check this out - we have the audacity, in this house, to expect our kids to do their own laundry. And to NOT throw their clothes on the floor. And occasionally scrub a toilet. And rinse their dishes. And pick up their socks. And not eat in the family room. And not take things that do not belong to them. These, my friends, these are the horrors I subject my children to. And I offered to PAY them. What was I thinking?

So, I exited the flaring tempers and retreated to my room. And had a nice, hot bath and was in bed by 9 p.m. But before that, I saw this:

All I wanted was one good day. Just one. I guess I don't even deserve that much. Why am I even alive if I can't do anything right? I'm done feeling like a worthless piece of nothing. So done.

That was my daughter's actual Facebook post after the fiasco. The drama.

And now? I just don't feel like doing much for them. The self-centered attitudes and inability to see beyond their feet that are propped up in front of the TV just astound me. I wish they knew how hard life would get. How doing chores is insignificant compared to all the trials they will face in life. I don't want them to have a hard life, but if you never feel pain, how can you know what feels good? If you never fall, you won't know the joy of getting back up. If you never fail, you can't revel in your success.

We give our kids chores because it helps prepare them for "real life". But what about kids who just don't get it? Real life will smack them in the face with a force so astounding it will take their breath away. And maybe knowing how to wash a load of clothes or dust a shelf won't make or break them. But if they can't even sit for a half hour with an ounce of respect and listen to solid guidance, if they can't see how doing their small part makes the whole so much better, then what will they learn? When will they learn it?

They say if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So, maybe starting today, I will just do whatever I want. For example, I never feel like making dinner. Perhaps I'll stop doing that. I NEVER feel like making their lunches. I could skip that too. I rarely feel like driving them anywhere or picking up after them or letting them have their friends over. Think of the time that will save me! All that delicious, beautiful time to just do what I want and never worry about the consequences. I could stop cleaning my bathroom, and never wash my clothes, but that would make me uncomfortable, so I guess I'll have to exert a teensy bit of effort. But doing for others? Not so much. I'm afraid I only have enough energy to be kind to me right now. I've taught them well. They'll figure it out. And if not? Then, maybe that lesson will finally be learned.

How do you support me?

2011-10-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was asked this question by one of my offspring today. When I answered "I work full time" I heard "other than financially" as the answer. So, I got to thinking about the many "non-financial" ways I support my kids. For example:

- I give you tools for success. If you don't choose to use them, I can't do anything about it.

- If I tell you honestly that it wasn't your best singing voice or the jeans are too tight, I'm saving you from having someone else tell you in a more brutal way.

- Besides enduring hours of labor to birth you, I've lost countless hours of sleep either taking care of you, worrying about you, or doing something for you.

- All those times you needed a ride? That was me.

- Who else took you to the doctor, the dentist, and nearly every other medical appointment you've ever had?

- I stayed up late reading your essay, quizzing you, typing something for you, or standing over the sink burning paper to make it look "old" for your project.

- Those stylish clothes? I schlepped through the stores to get those for you.

- Hours upon hours of dance lessons, gymnastics, swimming, baseball, softball, basketball, rehearsals...that was me waiting and watching, often with a couple of your siblings in tow who were whining that they were bored, hungry or tired.

- Every Halloween costume. Ever.

- Christmas? I decorate, bake, buy, wrap and create the magic that you love so much.

- The vacations and camping trips? I arranged those.

- All the food in the house? I make it magically appear.

- I washed thousands of loads of your laundry until I decided you were old enough to do it yourself.

- Sick at school? Forgot your gym clothes? Late? I'm the mom-mobile!

So........if I get mad at you for being late, or not doing your homework, or slacking off on your chores, consider the fact that, as your mom, I don't get the option of taking a day off. So you say you didn't ask to be born? Well, sorry. Can't exactly put you back.

Just because I'm not blowing sunshine up your ass every minute of every day, doesn't mean I'm cruel, or unsupportive, or worse, a "bitch". How lucky for you that there's someone in this world, who, even when you're at your worst, loves you the most. Someone who would listen to your rants and still want to make you happy. You can say all you want, try hard to be the martyr, or lay on the heaviest guilt trip, but I'd still donate a kidney or give you my bone marrow. Heck, I'd give you my life. Because that's what moms do. Who supports me?

To the parents of.........

2011-10-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I have received several very official-looking letters from my daughter's university. I always open them, because, after all, they are addressed "To The Parents Of...." and I'm the parent so.....

Anyway. The first one I received, shortly after she was accepted, was very important-looking. But inside? It was a big ole advertisement warning parents that REGULAR SHEETS WILL NOT FIT ON OUR BEDS and that we must, immediately, purchase extra-long twin sheets from a specific company. Except that I'm not stupid and I know Target and just about every other store sell extra-long sheets in droves right around back-to-school time. Duh. Nice try, college!

The second ominous-looking letter I received was advertising insurance for my student. Except she already has insurance. So, yeah, thanks anyway.

Then, yesterday, I received another very official-looking letter. Inside was the most ridiculous thing I've received so far. This one really takes the cake. Here's what it says:

To: Parents of Students Scheduled to Take Exams
Subject: Send A Care Package To Help Your Student Through Finals (I love how it was all capitalized. For emphasis. LOL)
Two students showed up to get their Care Packages. One beamed when she received her package. The other, whose family had not reserved a package, immediately used her cell phone and called Mom with a plaintive "You didn't send me a Care Package?"

Because so many students receive Care Packages during exam time, in can hurt if a student is left out. This year, we have a solution to make sure every student feels supported at this critical time. (Sheesh, you'd think they were getting a limb amputated or something. It's a college exam for cryin' out loud!)

The enclosed free gift card is our way to help. Please send it even if you don't plan to reserve a Care Package. Of course, it will be more appreciated if it comes with food. Isn't everything?

A Care Package is tangible proof that the people students count on are thinking of them at exam time (I don't even know WHEN exams are. I already did college). It makes them feel supported, not alone. It's also fun.

Then, the letter goes on to explain the various Care Packages - The Wildcat Spirit, listed at "the favorite" likely because it's the most expensive, the Support Basket which features "fun snacks" such as granola bars, Wheat Thins and Pop Tarts, The Exam Survival Kit that offers "over 20 success snacks for a burst of energy such as Chips Ahoy cookies, Mike&Ike's, etc. (success snack = college lingo for "candy"), the Cup of Inspiration which serves up comforting hot beverages. All of these can be yours for the low, low price of $20-$55.

Please respond today. There are always parents who plan to send a package but get too busy until it's too late. The result: no package for their student. The horrors! How will my daughter ever get an A if I don't send her overpriced Pop Tarts in a basket?

We're proud that university students can count on backing by their parents. Yes, yes, they can. Not necessarily with food gift baskets, though.

P.S. Last year parents chose the Spirit Pack as the best way to support their students through the rigors of finals. Of course they did. It also happens to be the $55 package. And rigors? Rigors? One might suffer the rigors of war. Or poverty. But rigors of finals? Please.

After laughing (and saving the letter for this blog post) I had to wonder about these ridiculous mailings. Aren't they already getting my money for tuition and room and board? Certainly I do not need my daughter's institute of higher learning schooling me on where to buy extra-long sheets, that I might want medical insurance for my child, or that I need to send a care package full of "success snacks" in order for finals week to go smoothly.

Remember finals week? When you stayed up all night cramming because you failed to take proper notes all quarter? Maybe you had to pop a couple of No-Doz because it was the dinosaur ages and we didn't have Red Bull or 5 Hour Energy shots? And you dragged your ass into class the next day, eyes red-rimmed, unwashed, frumpy and rumpled and managed to scrawl a semi-acceptable answer on each question and still passed the class with a B- by the skin of your teeth? Rigors of finals, indeed.

Oh, and lest you think I'm so hard-hearted as to scoff at a care package, I'll point out that I've already sent a couple of them, and I'd certainly include something more exciting than Wheat Thins. Like a rubber chicken. Or crude bumper stickers. Or homemade cookies. Because I Care About My Student During Finals Week. Capitalized for emphasis.

Weekend Wrap Up

2011-10-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well, the three-day weekend "all by myself" is over and although not every minute of it was spent by myself, a lot was accomplished and some stuff turned out fun and unexpected. Here's how it turned out:

What I did NOT do:

- clean the microwave or fridge (but I really need to!)

- wash the dogs (but I knew I wouldn't do that!)

- finish the books I'd already started (I decided to "abandon" them, that's teacher speak for stop reading them because they were just way too boring)

- design my website (but that was overly ambitious anyway)

- take fall photos (but only because the leaves have not turned enough yet to make pretty pictures)

- exercise (but I worked my ass off so maybe that counts a little?)

- pick up the house (well, I DID, but not until today so I couldn't enjoy it ALL weekend)

- read the Sunday paper (but it's only 9 p.m. so I might still have time.........)

But here's what I DID do:

- a bunch of laundry

- went through my keepsake bin and actually tossed some stuff

- organized and purged some craft stuff (but not all of it, so it's a work in progress)

- watched two movies (but I had a stack of twelve - haha!)

- started a new book

- wrote....well, blogged....

- took pictures of the kitten (but she moves around a lot so I only got a couple of good ones!)

- finished decorating for Halloween (and had all the candles burning when Jeff and Arlie got home!)

- baked (once)

- remembered to feed the animals - every day! (p.s. there's no frog)

And here's all the bonus stuff I did:

- had lunch with a friend on Friday (and Hannah came too)

- went to Fred Meyer with Hannah and ended up getting way more stuff than I planned

- went to dinner at Olive Garden with another friend (and enjoyed a spectacular sunset on the way there)

- stayed in bed until 11:30 on Saturday morning

- made my own "coffee shop" breakfast

- went through Harrison's clothes and filled a bag with giveaways

- picked up Harrison, got lunch at McDonald's (frappes included!) and went to Bothell Landing to feed the ducks and do an impromptu photo shoot

- watched movies while I went through craft stuff and keepsake stuff

- woke up to the kitten scratching my back (ouch)

- went through Jeff's clothes and filled a bag with giveaways

- went through the laundry room and got rid of a bunch of stuff

- had a heart attack when Hannah showed up unexpectedly from her choir retreat while I was talking to myself in the laundry room (hahaha!)

- had lunch with a friend

- spent the afternoon cleaning, organizing and basically getting a lot of things under control that have been making me crazy for a long time

- made lunches for tomorrow

- lit candles and made everything all warm and homey (yay!)

And it was a very, very good weekend.

Too busy for yourself?

2011-10-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I visited with a friend for lunch and another friend for dinner. And it was a very enjoyable day/evening! I love going out with friends and just catching up. Our lives are so busy, we barely have time to connect anymore, but even an hour-long coffee date or an hours-long dinner makes such a difference. For busy moms, it's our networking. Busy professionals go to seminars and meet-ups to connect with other people in their profession. Moms do the same - only our meet-ups might be in a yoga class, or at the grocery store, or at happy hour at 9 p.m. because that's when we finally got a minute to escape. No matter what our professions - working moms, "stay-at-home" moms, part-timers, we all need to network and connect with other women, especially our friends who have been in and out of our lives for a minute or decades.

That's why I find is so hard to believe that we can't seem to find time for each other. Or we cancel at the last minute. Or we reschedule so many times it's just not worth the effort. Recently, my book club went kaput. Everyone claimed "too busy". I get it. I sometimes have days where literally ALL of my time not spent sleeping is dedicated to someone else - a child, work, a husband, volunteering. But the truth is, not EVERY day is like that. It might seem like it, when days in a row, I have absolutely no discretionary time, but the truth is, if you're so busy you can't spare an hour to connect with your "network" then something is seriously out of whack.

I get it if you belong to a Bunco group, a book club, a church bible study, and also volunteer at your kids' school, while holding down a full-time job. You're busy! But what about YOU? What about the things that feed your soul and recharge you. My husband is fond of the saying "sharpen the saw". This means if you don't sharpen your saw blade (the things that make you happy), the saw will get dull and not be of much use anymore. Same with us - if we don't recharge from time to time, we get dull and boring. Your kids know it, your husband knows it, and your friends wonder where you've been all this time.

I wonder if our "too busy" is not just that we, as moms, wives, mothers, don't just sacrifice all of our personal joys in order to serve someone else. I know I do. I've never gone on a mom's only weekend save for one time spent overnight at a hotel 20 minutes from my house with good friends. I know plenty of moms who regularly indulge in Vegas weekends or a trip to wine country with a group of girlfriends. Lack of money to indulge in trips that involve airfare has kept me from considering that, and many may share my concern, but there are plenty of other ways to connect with other women that don't involve an overnight stay or matching luggage.

Take book club, for example. Once a month meetings. Read a book in between. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, I guess not. I only missed book club when I was out of town. I always read the book, save for one or two over several years. But more often than not, several members would be missing at each meeting and half of those there had never read the book. Sure, some were just there to socialize and that's fine. So, why not call it a girls' night and skip the book and discussion? That's ok, too. We often seem to need some "justification" for getting together with other women. An organized event seems to need to be taking place for it to seem legit. Why? Remember knocking on the neighbor's door and asking "can you play?" Why can't we just do that now? Just ask our friends over to "play"? We're so worried about hosting events that we simply don't have them. I don't get that. I'm fine if you want to come to my house and just hang out. Bring some food and drink and we'll have a grand old time just talking and laughing it up.

I guess I just find it hard to believe that once every thirty days or so, we cannot seem to find time to connect with our friends. I recently went out on a Thursday night to dinner with two friends. We met at 7 at a restaurant close to our homes. We were out of there before 9 because "Gray's Anatomy" was coming on. Even though I wasn't watching the show, I appreciated that 1. We got together...and 2. That my friends were smart enough to carve out two hours for dinner and still go home to watch their favorite show in their jammies. It was easy and we connected. We had a good time and no one had to miss their favorite show.

In my family, we tend to be the do-ers, the organizers, the inviters. Everyone comes to our house for events and non-events alike. I'm happy that my house is a gathering place and that people feel comfortable here. But I'm always amazed at how, year after year, we seem to do all the inviting, hosting and organizing and rarely does anyone reciprocate. I can't remember the last time we were invited to dinner or a party at someone's house. We always have a large turnout whether it's a teens' movie night or a Halloween party or birthday. But out of all those people who have enjoyed our home and hospitality, it's rarely reciprocated.

I don't blame or resent. I won't change the way we do things because we all love to connect with friends and have a good time. But I wonder.....why do people shy away from getting together? We're so cocooned in our own lives that we often seem to live in separate little cells protected from the world - together, yet separate. We might live in a neighborhood but not know the neighbors. Or we might never get to know our work colleagues. Why?

I used to belong to a Bunco group that fizzled out. I was ok with that because I felt I'd "done" the Bunco thing. I tried to join a new group a few years later, but it just didn't spark me. It didn't fuel me and make me want to get together with those women so I quit. And that's just fine. We can't be friends with everyone. My best friend refers to her friend circle as her "bus". When asked if she wanted to make new friends she said "no, my bus is full!" I've often used the bus analogy over the years. When I got divorced, and my friendships inevitably changed, I joked once that I drove my bus up a hill with emergency doors open and several former friends fell out. Because that's what it was like - people I had been close to just inexplicably dropped out of my life. At first it's a little alarming. But after a while, you realize it's ok. Because some friendships wax and wane and others are rock-solid for decades. Still others come and go and you pick up where you left off. Sometimes, you are left bewildered and hurt after a friend drops out of your life. But that's the way it is with friendships. They are dynamic things.

We all make excuses for why we're too busy or don't have enough time. But the truth is, we often have only one person to blame - and she's looking back at you from the mirror! My kids will tell me they didn't have time to finish their homework and I'll say "Well, you had the whole day to lay in front of the TV!". It's all about how you choose to spend your time. I figure if I have an hour to spend on Facebook, that's an hour I could have been working out, or completing a chore, or doing something else. But I don't feel guilty about it. Facebook is one of the ways I connect with friends and family. So, I'm ok with allowing myself my FB time. But not at the expense of never getting together with my girlfriends or planning a party or making food for a pack of hungry teenagers at my house.

I get that not everyone is fueled by being around people. We all like our alone time, too. Or our uninterrupted family time. I love those things as well! I'm ecstatic when I have a rare night (or weekend!) alone and I love nothing more than dinner time with the whole family. But I need my girlfriends too. The ones who have known me since I had my firstborn and the ones I've only just met. I'm always so recharged after going out with my girlfriends, even if it's just a short coffee visit or a bigger event. Talking, venting, commiserating, getting advice and a sympathetic ear - all of those things are so vital to busy women.

So, if you find yourself in the midst of a "friend drought" ask yourself if you can carve out time, even once a month, to connect. Book club, Bunco, drinks, dinner, movies, whatever it is that gives you some time to connect with your friends is vital. If you feel guilty about missing family dinners, go after dinner. Go after the kids are in bed! One late night with friends won't kill you. You'll be happy you did it. And if you find yourself "quitting" all the things you once enjoyed because you're too busy for yourself, then reevaluate. Your time is important, too. Use it wisely!

How convenient!

2011-10-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Today, just for a few minutes, I'd like you to stop what you are doing and think about how convenient everything is today. Your life is SO easy compared to, say, the pioneer woman's life. Take bread, for instance. This morning I wanted a pastry from the coffee shop. But, being too lazy to get in my gasoline-powered vehicle and DRIVE to the coffee shop (a walk that takes about 45 minutes, mind you), I decided to create my own pastry. I pulled a tube of crescent rolls out of the fridge to begin. Now, think. Who ever would have thought that one day we'd have perforated bread in a tube? Seriously? I filled the pre-formed triangles with chocolate and butterscotch chips. Think again - chips? Sweet treats already pre-formed into little drops? Can you believe there was a time when chocolate was a rarity, if one ever even had the pleasure of enjoying it? I mean, if your father wasn't a chocolatier in France, or your ancestors weren't the ancient Mayans, you might never have tasted chocolate once upon a time. GASP!

You probably took a nice, hot shower this morning. Besides the miracle of hot water being delivered into your home through an intricate series of pipes, you likely used another amazing product - body wash. Think of it, not too many years ago, one had to actually use a bar of SOAP to get clean. Now, we indulge in creamy, anti-aging, exotic-scented liquid body wash squirted directly from a plastic bottle onto a nylon pouf, and create bubbles upon bubbles. Did you know that soap used to be made using lye and rendered fat? No? Well I knew this because my husband, The Renaissance Man, recently made his own soap using rendered fat (yes, the icky stuff we pour off taco meat) and lye, which came in a bottle with a complicated chemical name that I'm not even going to try to spell. And, once you introduce this chemical process, the fat is no longer fat and the lye is no longer lye because it's gone through a process called saponification (or something like that) and it is now, officially, soap. See? It was so easy for YOU to just open a bottle of Caress body wash.

Today, everything is fast. We have smart phones and computers and iPads that deliver information in an instant. Except when there's a glitch and it takes four nanoseconds loner than normal. Then, we get all mad. We say things like "stupid computer" and "not so smart now, are we phone?". Or maybe that's just me. But the point is, we expect EVERYTHING in an instant. We microwave our food. When was the last time you stood and stirred something for 45 minutes? I haven't made a delicious pot-pie recipe in years because it requires 45 minutes of constant stirring the sauce, and who's going to just STAND there for 45 minutes stirring sauce. I mean, maybe if you were listening to a book on your iPod or watching a show on your under-the-cabinet-installed TV with cable in your kitchen. But to just STAND there and COOK? WTF?

Once upon a time families gathered around a wood-encased radio to listen to their "programs". Then, we got big, ol' black and white TVs that weighed about three tons and had "rabbit ears" to adjust the clarity. Now, we have flat-screen TVs mounted to our walls and if we don't have time to watch a show, we can just DVR it for later, AND skip the commercials. Personally, I don't have a DVR. If I miss a show, too bad for me. Lucky for me, if I really want to see something I miss, I can also watch it "on demand" or on the internet. Instant gratification. All the time.

The other day one of my kids said they were hungry. I said "make some macaroni and cheese or Top Ramen". They looked at me like I had two heads and said "But that takes SO LONG!" If it's not a Hot Pocket or frozen burrito that can be heated up in under two minutes, they're not interested. I will add here that boiling water takes about five minutes. Top Ramen can be made in about seven minutes and macaroni and cheese in about ten. But that takes TOO LONG!

When I was in school, if our pencil became dull, we had to place it into a manual sharpener and crank the handle to get a nice, sharp point. I always wanted a pencil sharpener at home. I thought that would be the ultimate luxury, because there was nothing quite so gratifying as a freshly sharpened pencil (disclaimer: I spent most of my childhood drawing....hours on end....I'm pretty sure my family thought I was autistic. But that's another story.) We never had a pencil sharpener at home, but now, in my own home, I have an electric pencil sharpener that I just stick a pencil into and it emerges all pointy and sharp. The worst part is the two or three seconds that you have to WAIT while it sharpens. I'm not embarrassed to admit that the other day I bought a hand-held pencil sharpener and sharpened about 200 colored pencils by hand. It was very gratifying.

Once upon a time mothers spent their time taking care of their own children. Then, came the age of working mothers and a mother had to carefully consider her child-care options, interviewing countless nannies or touring several daycare centers in order to make the decision that would be the right fit for the family. Now, we have daycare in the grocery store and "drop in playcare" where moms can just check their kids in like a shirt to the laundry and go off to pursue their own interests while perfect strangers attend to their most treasured offspring. How convenient is that?

We are the Convenience Age, no matter what other monikers society has given this generation. Instead of inviting a friend over for coffee that we make in our own kitchens, we have a coffee stand on every corner, and we drive with our paper coffee cups bobbling in our laps, slurping down our caffeine on the way to work or the doctor or to pick the kids up from soccer. We have instant oatmeal and drive-through prescription pick up. We are moving at the speed of light. So, I challenge you, this weekend, to do ONE thing "the slow way". Get up and change the channel. Simmer a soup slowly on the stove top. Hand-sew the hole in that shirt you've been meaning to get to for ages. Play a board game. Or hey, if you're really ambitious, make your own soap using rendered fat and lye. Whatever. Just do something slow. This instant!

Ambition and a three-day weekend.......

2011-10-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Finally! My long-awaited three-day weekend has arrived. I knew it was coming. The school calendar let me know back in August. But what I didn't know was that it would unfold in such a way that I would get three glorious days all to myself! A vacation of sorts, in my own home. What a concept! Jeff is off deer-hunting (ick, more on that later!), Arlie is visiting her mom in Spokane, Hannah is off on a choir retreat, Harrison is with his dad, and Hayley, well she's been off to college for a solid month now. And so I find myself alone, save for three dogs and a kitten, and I'm so excited to have all of this uninterrupted time that I've made a list of things I would like to accomplish in these three days (disclaimer - my kids HATE my lists but I love them like I love swiss cake rolls and would never, ever give them up. Like swiss cake rolls. Never.). Here is my list:
- Clean fridge and microwave. How pathetic is that? Housecleaning first on the list? Bah. I might not do it. But I probably will because there's something icky spilled in the fridge and it's bugging me. And someone actually wiped out the microwave recently, which had grown a layer of food splatters, but I'm guessing no REAL cleaning ensued, so I'll just tie up that loose end as well.
- Laundry. OMG. What is wrong with me? WHY do I have another chore on the top of my list? Actually I kind of like laundry. It's so neat and tidy - wash, dry, fold, hang, put away. It's one of the few things I actually follow through on. I like how it comes full circle. I know, I'm weird.
- Go through keepsake bin. This one might take me a while. I have to read and look at everything. And I'll throw some stuff away. Maybe.
- Organize/purge craft and scrapbook stuff. I do have a lot of crap. And no time to do anything with it. Might as well get rid of some of it. I've put myself on a strict no craft/scrapbook supply diet until I actually use what I already own. Except stickers, which I cannot seem to stop buying.
- Watch pile of movies. I am SO excited about this one! I have a stack of movies I've been wanting to watch and never have time. Now, I can just watch and watch and who cares how much time passes?
- Wash dogs? This has a question mark on it because it means I won't do it. HAHAHA!
- Finish books already started. Yes, I really need to do this. Because I've had two books partially read since the summer and I am woefully out of practice on reading for pleasure. I must finish what I started and then dig into the pile of books I've been meaning to read for years. Another diet - no more books until I finish the ones I already have. I'm a book junkie. There, I said it.
- Start new book. See above.
- Write/research. Write a novel? Compile notes for a novel? Research writing jobs? Research a few good recipes? Research why I always research? I don't know. But I must write. It feeds my soul.
- Design website. Ambitious!! And I'm not telling what it's for. You'll just have to wait and see!
- Kitten pictures. Yes! I must photograph my beautiful Matilda and possibly catch some of her funny antics.

In addition, I thought of a few more things I'd love to do. Like take fall photos. And finish decorating for Halloween. And bake. And take a nice, hot bath. And remember to feed the three dogs, one kitten and fish. There might still be a frog, too. I can't remember. I'll have to check. I'd also love to exercise at least thirty minutes each day. And read the Sunday paper ON Sunday. And pick up the whole house so it looks nice for three days.

At any rate, it's a lot of ambition wrapped up in three days' time. I better get started!!! What's on YOUR list?

Shoulda........

2011-10-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up early. Much too early. I went to bed at 1 a.m. and awoke at 5 a.m. For some reason, I am still awake, although I probably should have come home and gone to bed at 5 p.m. tonight to make up for the lost z's. I had set my alarm early to get up and help my 13-year-old get ready for school because she broke her thumb yesterday playing football. She's a cheerleader. Somehow I found this amusing. But not the fact that she broke her thumb or has to be in a splint for four weeks. So, I arose early to help with things like brushing hair. But then I realized my high schooler was not making the usual early morning noises (somewhere between a guttural groan and a grievous growl...haha, just kidding...) and I peeked into her room to see her still slumbering away ten minutes before the bus. Now, it was my turn to growl. Because her missing the bus just does not compute into my day. Her missing the bus means I have to drive her to her school twenty minutes away and then decide if I really have time to return home to get ready, or if I have to hurry and get ready far too early and then kill an hour before I head to work (who am I kidding - what a great excuse to hit Starbucks!).

Anyway, since I was hanging around for the junior high bus to see off my son and Gimpy Hand, I decided I could just give them a ride up to the bus stop. And then I decided I could just drive them to school. And then I decided (and I guess maybe I said it out loud) "Wouldn't it be nice if we all just played hooky today?" and there was a resounding "YES" from the passengers (as resounding as 7 a.m. on a school day can be). But, being the ever-responsible one (ugh, I hate that role!) I said "no" and gave them the booby prize of stopping for coffee at a stand on the way to school. And we parked in the parking lot at the junior high and finished our coffees and wished for a day off.

And then we went to school and work. And it was just not nearly as fun as playing hooky. Not even close! We shoulda........

For my husband........

2011-10-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this on Thursday night, while my husband reads a book in bed next to me. He won't read this until tomorrow, because part of his Friday ritual is to read my blog (and it bugs me that he only reads it once a week, but what can I do?). Anyway, since I know he'll read this tomorrow.....Jeff, this one is for you.

Thanks for being so supportive. Thanks for helping me see things with my heart AND my head. Thanks for listening to my ideas and giving me new ideas to think about. Thanks for frappe hour and date night. Thanks for going along with things even when you don't want to. Thanks for showing up. Thanks for being there. Thanks for loving me.

That's all. I love you!

Spel it rite!

2011-10-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in kind of a bad mood today, so maybe that's why my pet peeve, horrible spelling, is particularly bugging me tonight. But it's probably just reading the newsfeed on Facebook that makes me crazy. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE SPELL ANYMORE? Here is a friendly refresher:
1. You are not "board", you are "bored".
2. Your muscles are never "soar". They can sometimes be "sore".
3. You will never "ball" your eyes out. You may, perhaps, "bawl" them out, but that, of course, is an exaggeration.
4. You do not "still" someone's Facebook status. You "steal" it.
5. It's not "tomatoe" soup. It's "tomato" soup.
6. "Your" not the best. "You're" the best!
7. Facebook did not change "there" news feed again. However, "their" news feed did, indeed, change.
8. It is "definitely" not "definately".
9. "Supposed to" is actually two words, as opposed to the ever-popular "suppostu" or "supposto". Goodness.
10. You know what would be really "awesome"? If you'd never spell it "awsome" again!

Oh, and please stop putting hash tags on everything. #it'sreallyannoying and #noonethinksyou'reallthatclever and #itdoesnotmakeyousoundcooler.

The end.

Tuesday musings, part two..........

2011-10-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

I had to call this one "part two" because I realized I already had a Tuesday musings! Must be a trend. So, today I worked my 6.5 hours at school with my special-needs boy who I've been working with since school started. This job is a challenge. It's basically glorified babysitting, because I just have to "remind" him all day long what to do, when to do it, and occasionally take him for a walk when he has an "episode". Really, he's a good kid and it could be worse (i.e. more "episodes") but after about the billionth "reminder" it gets pretty old and I go a little crazy. Not to mention I'm required to fill out little behavior charts on three kids and jump in when needed for the other 7-8 kids on IEP's in that class. And even with all of that, I'm often bored out of my mind and looking for things to do. This afternoon we had a sub. She "forgot" which lesson we were doing, requiring me to dash to the office to run off 28 copies of the assignment, and then she read the passage, and mispronounced several words. I hated to correct her in front of the kids, but gimme a break - she's a TEACHER! Then, when attempting to give a "lesson" she had to refer to her book to check how to spell "malaria" and "disease". She pronounced "quinine" as "quin-in-in-a-nin". Really? Ugh, I have so little tolerance for teachers who can't speak, write or spell correctly. Lucky me, I got to leave early today.......

But not for anything fun! Oh no. I got to pick Arlie up at school and take her to an allergy appointment. We already knew she had cold urticaria, which is an allergy to the cold (imagine that!) but the good doctor decided to do a scientific test to be sure (he put an ice cube on her arm for several minutes then checked to see if she got hives. I did this exact same experiment at my house for free!). She left with a prescription for a hefty dose of allergy meds and an epi pen. Yikes. Guess we won't be going in any cold water anytime soon. Sounds like a perfect excuse to vacation in Hawaii.

I then dropped her off and had to rush over to the studio where Harrison was having rehearsal for his play. He got the role of the lion in an adaptation of The Wizard of Oz and there was a parent meeting during rehearsal. I learned that we have to sell candles and pastries for fundraising. And that he could take voice lessons for half price. I left with a good chunk of my bank account missing and a boy who wasn't sure what to think about three hours of rehearsal every Tuesday, made worse by the fact that he had a monstrous social studies homework assignment hanging over his head.

Finally made it home around 7:15. Dinner was ready (thank God for my husband) and we ate and scattered in different directions. I spent the next two or so hours catching up on emails and paperwork. The kids watched Christmas movies and burned cookies. My husband practiced guitar (and had previously done a workout - God bless him, the saint. I haven't worked out since aerobics were invented.). My son gave me a long list of study questions for a geography test. I quizzed him on things like longitude and temperate climates. My head started to hurt a little. At some point, I threw in some laundry, washed my face, and put on pajamas. I filled out an order form for a choir fundraiser (wrapping paper and candles I don't need).

And now I get to go to sleep (well, after I brush my teeth, take out my contacts, take my meds and turn out the lights) and do it all over again tomorrow. Discretionary time is non-existent these days. I got a text today from a friend asking to go to dinner (can't - meeting). Coffee? Work all day. Pedicure? Remember that "work all day" thing? Dinner Friday night? Football game. Daughter is playing with the band.

Tonight as I stared down another "found" pile of my college daughter's dirty laundry, I remembered my offer to wash and put away all the clothes she left behind. And I thought....when? I need a day. I need ten days. I need to not work all day. I never intended to be working full time. The job fell in my lap and was for two weeks. Now, I'm five weeks into it. And it lasts at least until the end of October. And there's a chance it might be mine permanently. And I'm scared of that prospect!! I want to find another "perfect" job to "save" me before I have to make the dreaded choice. Accept the job if it's offered simply because I need a job? Because it gets my foot in the door? Because I might get something better next year? Or stick to my guns, listen to my heart and the needs of my family and our schedules and say NO. Keep subbing. Wait for something part-time to open up. Dilemma!

In the meantime, I'm tired. And I had milk and cookies before bed. Burnt cookies. I actually love burnt cookies. But I don't like being burnt out.

Friday Night Lights

2011-09-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

Nice title, huh? I'm pretty sure it has something to do with football or a football show or something. Anyway, I know it refers to playing football in high school under the lights on a Friday. Right? Right?

Tonight we went to the high school football game. It was very crowded. We stood in line to get in and got in just about.....halftime. There was no place to sit. But my husband and I did find a nice piece of fence line upon which to lean, so it wasn't all bad. We went to the game at the request of our daughter, who just HAD to go. But not to watch a football game, heavens no! Only the high-schoolers and the parents watch the game. The under 15 crowd shows up to see and be seen. And to see who can wear the most outrageous outfit, hair extensions in approved school colors, glitter, make-up, face paint, fishnet stockings under shorty shorts, and all manner of shredded apparel in school colors.

Not being a huge fan of football, I only remember attending one high school game. It was fun. We won. It was big deal because it was some sort of championship. I don't really remember the details, but I remember rushing the field after the big win and thinking, hey, this is fun! Did I know the score? Did I even know who the opposing team was? Nah. In college, I never attended a single game. Not a one! My college experience was more work/school/sleep than football games and frat parties. I did attend a college game once, but it was at another college and only because the friend I was visiting for the weekend invited me along.

Thus, I have never painted my face in the spirit of the game, never shredded a t-shirt, never sat stuffed like sardines on metal bleachers shouting cheers and fist-pumping my way through a football game. And now, well, it's just not cool to paint your face after 40. So, I go to the games when my kids ask me to take them. I watch the game (sorta). I people-watch a LOT and I overhear things that would shock the parents of the children I know saying them (oh my, I don't remember using that kind of language when I was 13!). Once we hit the main gate, we don't see the kids until they need a ride home. I have no idea what they do during the game - for all I know, they sneak right out the gate and go smoke pot behind QFC. Haha. Just kidding. I think. I know what they do. They walk around, bump into similarly-dressed friends, chat, move on. They circulate. For the most part, they are not even aware there's a game going on except for the sudden burst of cheers when their team makes a touchdown. Then they look up, vaguely aware that they are, in fact, at a football stadium, not a spirit-wear fashion show that serves pizza.

But sometimes they surprise you. Tonight, after the game, I asked our daughter "who won?" and she said "we did!" then added "32-30". Wow. She knew the score. They grow up so fast.

Curriculum

2011-09-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

There. I'm done with curriculum nights. This year I only had to attend two, even though we have three children still wading through the muck that is public school (haha, just kidding, I LOVE PUBLIC SCHOOL....most of the time)...two of the kids attend the same school which stupidly schedules all three grades on the same night (the high school does, too!) so I was only able to attend one while my lovely husband attended the other. So, forevermore I will not know a whit about her teachers because I did not get to meet them personally, and husbands are notoriously bad at deciphering teachers (um, they do....science stuff?).

Here's my take on "curriculum night". Please don't spend a lot of time talking about the curriculum. Just write it down and provide a nice handout that I can take home and never read. I mean, read over thoroughly! Since I only get ten minutes to get to know you, dear teacher, please spend at least five of those minutes telling me a little about yourself. Did you always want to be a teacher? Do you enjoy children? Are you just in it for the summers off? Then, spend the next five minutes answering questions. Done. Ten minutes and no boring me with the details of your curriculum which is probably on your website anyway. But getting to know you? That's why I'm here. Are you nice? Creepy? Funny? Burnt out on teaching?

Chances are you'll never remember my name or my face, but you have my child in your class every single day. I won't get the chance to tell you about my child, about their strengths and weaknesses, what they're excited about, what makes them tick. So, at the very least, tell me about YOU, so I know who's influencing my child each and every day. We get one chance to meet you, for ten minutes and it's likely the only time we'll see you all year. "You only get one chance to make a good first impression". So true. Make it memorable!

I want a job!

2011-09-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I want a job.......
That pays well, as I need to pay bills,
A job that contains some laughs and some thrills.
A job that won't bore me,
Or drive me to tears.
A job that is challenging
Where good work's met with cheers.
This job should take place
Between eight and two
Because my children have so many
Activities to do!
And dentist and doctor appointments abound
And someone needs to drive them around!
Flexibility is key, for often they're ill,
And I'll need to take a day just to chill.
I must not work summers,
That's when we all play
But I'm willing to work,
Perhaps half a day.
This job should inspire
And let me create,
And my boss shouldn't care
If I'm a little bit late.
A lingering lunch
At a corner cafe
Is not much to ask
For working all day.
From time to time
A coffee break
Will help me stay on task
Alert, and awake!
I promise to work hard,
Be part of the team.
And take doing a great job
To the very extreme.
Won't you please hire me?
Give me a shot?
I've got some great skills
You'll like me a lot!
To this perfect job,
Someone, please take me!
And if does not exist.....
Please do not wake me!

Don't be the smelly kid.......

2011-09-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Remember in the movie "Big Daddy" where Adam Sandler's character is told, not so delicately, by the crotchety old teacher that his kid is the smelly kid? I'm here today, as a public service, to inform you how to NOT have the smelly kid (or BE the smelly kid, let's face it, children will read this).

First of all, I'm a firm believer in daily baths/showers for all people, even the smallest of people (exceptions being those who suffer terribly from eczema and cannot possibly be subjected to hot water on a daily basis. You get a free pass. But no one else!). I simply have never understood the logic behind having "bath night" since the invention of convenient running water in our households. Kids, of all people, get dirty and sweaty and crawl around on the floor and pick up bugs and are exposed to zillions of germs every nanosecond of the day, and certainly could benefit from at least a quick "baby wipe" bath before being put to bed.

I understand that some children reach an age where showering and bathing become unpleasant chores that they wish to avoid. I do not understand this foreign concept, as my own children were always bathed daily and incorporated that as part of their nighttime routines as soon as they were old enough to be in charge of themselves. Taking a bath was never an option, but, rather, an expected part of the grooming process that one performs daily, much like brushing teeth or combing hair.

However. I work in public schools and I am APPALLED at the state in which children arrive to school. Now, I am not saying every child has an attentive parent who grooms them or teaches them proper grooming techniques, and therefore some children must be given a pass for being "the smelly kid" due to lack of parental guidance or neglect. That is, perhaps, the worst of all, because it's heartbreaking to see a disheveled child who KNOWS they are disheveled and therefore, uncomfortable.

But it's the children from affluent homes, children of means, who arrive to school in clothing that smells soured (yes, you do actually have to remove the load from the washer before it sits in 80 degree heat in a moist environment all day), or with matted hair that smells of maple syrup (did you know that's what dirty hair smells like? Maple syrup. It's true). And, really, once your child reaches fourth or fifth grade, you really do have to purchase them deodorant. Running around and getting sweaty on the playground really works up a stink and better to have your child protected with a sweet-smelling deodorant rather than have them go around smelling of onions the rest of the day. Don't think your child is old enough to wear deodorant? Think again. Just take a sniff next time they run around and get all sweaty. You'd be surprised how early kids need deodorant!

Worst of all, perhaps, is coats, backpacks and lunch boxes that are NEVER cleaned! Yes, even these items should be run through the washer/dryer or dishwasher (in the case of the lunch box) from time to time. Water bottles? Those are just little petri dishes unless you have your child bring them home frequently for a good washing. And in our school district, many children eat their lunches at their desks. If you could see their desks.....well, let's just say if your table at a restaurant was a child's classroom desk, you'd ask to be moved to another table. Why not send along an anti-bacterial wipe to clean off their space before putting their sandwich on it?

And before you think I'm a germaphobe, think again! I've followed the "five-second" rule for dropped food, wiped the baby's pacifier on my shirt and let my toddler eat Cheerios off a public meeting room floor and didn't really think twice. But my kids were bathed daily, their hair was washed and their clothing, backpacks, lunchboxes and coats cleaned on a regular basis. I once had a teacher tell me "I like your kids because they're so clean" and countless people ask what laundry detergent I use because my kids' clothes always smell so good (Tide and Clorox bleach, nothing else compares!). Disclaimer - my kids now do their own laundry so if they are smelly it's their own fault!

But, please, send your child to school clean. Wash their coats. Teach them to wear deodorant. For the sake of teachers everywhere, teach good hygiene. Because a classroom of 28 preteens can get pretty ripe. And you don't even want to smell high school. Smells like teen spirit? Not so much.

Take daughter to college, get a free kitten!

2011-09-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

So, it's over. Two utterly exhausting but really fun days getting Hayley settled into college. Hayley learned the joys of attempting to make a "loft" bed (struggling with a fitted sheet five feet off the ground is enough to drive a person crazy!), we found out how many things you can hang on a wall with just a pushpin, and we discovered that in the absence of a tape measure, one can use toilet paper (albeit a bit embarrassing to pull out at Fred Meyer when measuring shelves). All told, we got her settled into her dorm room in about three hours (give or take a few hours), met the roommates, met the roommates' parents, made a trip to Fred Meyer for all the stuff we forgot or needed, and finally settled down to a "free" lunch in the SURC. Of course, it wasn't "free", it's all rolled into that huge monstrosity called "the bill for college", but it was nice to not pull out the wallet for once.

We ventured into the student store and dropped $150 on sweatshirts and t-shirts for the whole family (Go Wildcats!), enjoyed another "free" barbeque dinner, and spent some time lounging around waiting for the evening presentation which included an address from the president and presentation from "The Dating Doctor", David Coleman. It was a VERY long day! After the evening event, we walked over to see the boyfriend's dorm, then made the long, long trek back to the car. Sad note: I lost my camera bag somewhere along the way, although my camera was around my neck, so THANK GOODNESS for that. I will have to replace a few things, but, hey, what's a couple hundred dollars compared to college tuition! HA! (not)

We left our eldest child to sleep in her dorm for the first time, and collapsed into our hotel bed where we slept in the next morning. Then, we met for a quiet lunch and headed back to drop her off at her residence hall. We said goodbye with little fanfare, a couple of pictures and........well, let's face it, my heart bursting with pride because I raised this amazing, adorable, incredible daughter who was making her way into the world with such confidence and ability. And just like that, the umbilical cord was severed. I did feel a gripping pain in my stomach as we drove away and a wave of emotion, so I guess it was symbolic. But mostly I felt happy and proud and like we were exactly where we should be after eighteen years together. I will miss her terribly, but I'm beyond excited for her to have this experience on her own.

And then I got a kitten.

Perhaps I should explain. I used to have two cats. They were lovely creatures, sometimes exasperating, but mostly enjoyable. We acquired them when my youngest was a baby, and my first worry was that they would smother him while he slept. They actually DID enjoy snuggling up to him, but he managed to keep breathing. And they were so tolerant of his toddlerhood when he would sprawl across them and fall asleep. They didn't scratch or bite when the kids carried them around by their necks. They purred and snuggled on my chest at night when I was laying in bed reading a book. But, sadly, when we moved to a new house, the cats started to venture outside and pretty soon they were missing for days at a time and, eventually, we didn't see them again. Coyotes, raccoons, who knows what got them, but they disappeared. And for a long time, we decided no more cats for us.

But then, you see, we have these three dogs. And dogs are just not cats. Not even close. Dogs are so messy, and loud, and smelly. Dogs lumber through the house and eat food off counters and tear open packages of snacks. Dogs are oafs and cats are dainty. So, after a while, we started thinking about how much we missed cats. Lovely, aloof creatures that can be left alone with just some food and water for a few days, as opposed to dogs who need to be let out every couple of hours and bark non-stop.

So, Hayley came up with the idea that she would get me a cat before she left for college so I wouldn't miss her as much (haha, as if a cat could help with that!). But Jeff gave a resounding "no" to that plan. He didn't want to clean up after it, feed it, or otherwise care for another four-legged creature (understandable, since the bulk of "dog duty" goes to him). I wasn't so sure about another cat. My previous cats were declawed (a practice apparently now banned), and my furniture remained intact. I worried about scratches, and box-training and whether the cat would be fun or nice - the exact opposite of a stray cat we once took in who ate the head off our 9-year-old goldfish (Hello? PAWS? We want to relinquish a cat!).

I arrived home this afternoon, weary and sleepy, and the first thing I was greeted with was two scheming girls showing me pictures of kittens on a cell phone and begging "PLEASE!". I told them if they could convince Jeff, they could have a kitten. And, somehow, he said yes. Or something along those lines. Or maybe they just told me he said yes and they told him I said yes and we've been duped. Either way, we decided to get the cat. So, we made a quick trip to the store for cat supplies and our "free" cat started out costing just under $100, and then we gave the family $20 for the kitty because they had already procured the first shots, flea treatment and de-worming. Free cats are so expensive!

Now, we have a kitten. And the empty space left by my child is now filled with a kitten. And you know, that tiny kitten doesn't even come CLOSE to filling a fraction of the space voided by my firstborn. And that kitty can't laugh with me, or come into my room late at night to say goodnight, or text me in the wee hours to let me know she's home. That kitten can't go shopping with me, or make cupcakes in my kitchen wearing a cute apron, or bring her boyfriend and friends over to fill my house with shenanigans. But maybe that kitty will cuddle on my chest, or purr in my arms, or just slink around the house in my shadow and keep me company. We named her Matilda. She's pretty cute. Not as cute as my college freshman. But still pretty cute.

Tuesday musings..........

2011-09-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I opened up my email and a news story popped up. "See the latest trends in lingerie for fall". WTF? Isn't the "trend" just "wear something frilly, small and silky and get laid"? I didn't know there were "trends" in lingerie.

I left for work at 8 a.m. and got home at 9 p.m. I'm only mentioning that because IT SUCKS.

I ate a piece of cake at a meeting tonight and thought "wow, that frosting is too sweet". This is earth-shattering because I love sweet stuff and I do not recognize this person who thinks something is too sweet. But do not despair. I had a small bowl of chocolate chips before bed, so all is right with the world again.

My daughter had to wear paper shorts at the hospital today for her arthritis checkup. I wrote "property of Hannah" on her butt with a Sharpie.

My baby leaves in two days for college. TWO DAYS! This makes my tummy hurt a little. Tomorrow night we are having "the last supper". She picked cedar-planked salmon, corn on the cob, sweet Hawaiian rolls and Ben and Jerry's. At least I can send her off in the world knowing she appreciates the finer things! :)

I am so, so tired. Can I just call in "tired" to work tomorrow? No?

I love my bed.

This isn't really a blog post..........

2011-09-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

It's actually a really long Facebook status. Because I ran out of room. So. Here we go.

I am way too busy for a job. I've been working full time since last week (haha, all you full-timers, go ahead and laugh, but this is MY life and MY blog, so I'm gonna whine if I want to). The thing is, working is just one more chore I have to do. And so working all day just takes up too many hours of my time so that I fall way, way behind. I know, bummer huh? But I'm a tried and true part-timer. Four hours a day is about all I can muster and still stay on top of everything else. I haven't filled my son's prescription or called the college financial aid office because I simply haven't had time. Crazy, I know, but I work in a school and I don't get ANY breaks in which to make phone calls or do anything other than work all day. I do get a lunch but it's a "working lunch" where I'm meeting with the other teachers and assistants so I can't even skip out for an errand or phone call at all. So, blah, blah, that's my whine about working. Yes, I'll have a smile on my face when the paycheck comes. But honestly? I'd rather be a "stay at home" (hahahah) mom any day over working. There, I said it.

Also. The kids are in a performance tomorrow (and the next day and the next day) and tonight was the dress rehearsal. And those damn kids, they grew again, so of course we discover five minutes before we leave that their pants from last year don't fit, one only has tan jazz shoes (not black, as required), one has only brown shoes, and one needs a fitted, solid-colored t-shirt. And, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, I do not have time to purchase these items before tomorrow. So.....my oldest (thank GOD she can drive and hasn't left for college yet and doesn't have to work till 11 tomorrow) is going to purchase the t-shirt and some black spray paint for the jazz shoes. The brown shoes will just have to do. But, if you wanted to be my good fairy tomorrow and magically bring me a pair of size 4 black jazz shoes, a pair of size 11 black tennis shoes, and a size small solid-colored t-shirt by tomorrow morning and leave it all on my doorstep, I'd be eternally grateful.

Additionally......tomorrow night is THE BIG PARTY. This party is being thrown by my husband's company to celebrate FDA approval of a new drug. That cures cancer. Yeah, pretty big stuff. So, they rented out the entire Showbox theatre and two super-secret bands will be playing but they're not saying who. Jeff is rooting for Pearl Jam. Who knows? Our "ticket" to this event is a rubber bracelet (think "Livestrong") with the name of the company and the drug imprinted on it. We cannot lose this "ticket" or no big super-secret band party for us. So, I've been wearing mine for two days since Jeff gave it to me. Stylish. Speaking of stylish, the dress is "concert/party" attire. Well, now. If I were going to concert, I'd likely wear a t-shirt and jeans. If I were going to a party I might wear a dress. Dilemma. So, I went shopping. Now, where do you buy an outfit that's a cross between jeans and a dress for a girl like me (read: not skinny). Why, Lane Bryant of course. And it's cute - black pants, cute tank and sweater combo in a lovely shade of deep turquoise - but I'm still not sure if it's the right thing. I mean, what if people are wearing cocktail dresses? What if jeans and concert t's are the order of the day? I HATE THIS. I wish they would have sent out suggestions (complete with photos and links to ordering) of outfits to wear. I'm still debating, too, because I have this other cute top.....oh well, I got some shiny new shoes (under ten bucks at Ross, but still). So, tomorrow, the minute I get off work, I have to dash home to get dolled up for this soiree and, you know, put on the "this is my wife, isn't she cute?" outfit. Sigh. At least I'm funny.......I am funny, right?

Then, after staying up half the night at this fabulous party, I have to get up and go to work again! Groan! And I have to work all day! Augh! And then, if that's not horrible enough, there's a performance Friday night. And likely a restaurant outing afterwards. And a football game where daughter #3 is cheering at 8 a.m. the next day. And then a matinee performance. And then another evening performance. And Sunday......oh, blessed Sunday, day of rest and relaxation! But guess what? Monday I have to get up and work again! And I haven't been to yoga or seen my friends in AGES. Yep, this working thing is for the birds. I wonder if I could win the lottery? Or serve nothing but oatmeal to my family? Surely there's a way out of this Hell.........

Happy Anniversary!

2011-09-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

Today is our fifth anniversary! Ironic that my blog about being mad at Jeff is followed by a blog about being married to Jeff, but hey, that's what marriage is all about. Ups and downs. Trials and tribulations. Cheesecake in bed. Wait, that's what this morning is all about! We're eating cheesecake in bed to celebrate our five year anniversary and debating how to spend this beautiful sunny day.

Five years ago on this morning, we were busy getting ready for the wedding. Our wedding included only our family - me, Jeff, Hayley, Hannah, Arlie and Harrison. Hayley and Hannah were my maids of honor, Arlie was the flower girl and Harrison was the ring bearer and usher. We had decided to get married with only a couple weeks' notice (after having spent the last year living together as a family and waiting to tie up loose ends from our previous marriages!). That meant we planned, shopped and bought FAST. The best decision we made was to have our wedding at the Coeur d' Alene resort, where we got an all-inclusive package and a wedding planner that made it all SO easy to do long-distance. We got married on a weekend most of the family was gathering anyway, so no one had to do any extra traveling. Granted, our Seattle friends couldn't make it (with the exception of my best, best friend Tonya and her family - still love them for making the trip!), but most of the immediate family was there and some good friends as well.

In typical mom fashion, I busied myself with getting the kids ready and spent very little time getting myself ready! In fact, I quickly put my hair back in a couple of barrettes right before I had to walk down the aisle and didn't even pay much attention to my makeup, but it was fine because my kids looked beautiful and perfect! My dress was picked out by Tonya on a rush trip to Macy's the Monday before the wedding. We also found the girls' dresses there and found Arlie's flower girl dress at a boutique shop in Bothell the next day when leaving the orthodontist office. Right in front of us, in the window, was a perfect-looking dress and wouldn't you know, it was the right size too? Amazing. The boys got rented tuxes, which turned out great except that we picked them up on our way out of town, and didn't check the sizes. Harrison, age 7 at the time, ended up with men's pants, which Grandma Linda "hemmed" with a couple of safety pins right before the wedding!

I loved that all we had to do was show up in our finery and walk down the aisle. I loved that the minister included the kids in the ceremony, essentially marrying us as a family. I loved the food, the decor, the stunning view of Lake Coeur d' Alene, and the cake. Oh, the cake! The cake was, hands down, the BEST cake I've ever eaten in my life. It was created at Just American Desserts in Spokane and was covered with "tuxedo" strawberries (dipped in white and dark chocolate), cascading down the entire cake. Yum, yum, YUM. I still have never had a better cake. I wish I could replicate that cake every year for my anniversary, but that would require a five hour drive. Sigh.

The funniest part of the wedding was that Jeff's sister-in-law, Heather, decorated cans of "Flarp" (the "fart putty") with wedding pearls and set them out on all the tables. We had been hysterically laughing at this fart putty at the pig pickin' the day before, and so Heather thought it would be funny to classy up the cans and put them out as favors. It was hilarious and actually created entertainment for the many kids in attendance. Such a fun day!

The most touching part of the wedding was the toast Jeff gave. He had practiced it and even had it written out and in his coat pocket. It was sweet, touching, funny and really the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. The part I remember most was that he said I made life a celebration, even the most mundane things. I loved that part. Because we've been doing it as a family ever since that day, and it's made us have so many laughs and good times.

I'm really the luckiest girl ever. Who could ask for more, really, than a great husband and an amazingly funny family who loves each other so much? Not me. I'm happy.

Steaming.........

2011-08-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't blog when I'm mad. I really shouldn't. But I'm gonna. You know those cartoons where someone gets so mad that steam comes out of their ears? Well, I'm pretty sure that's happening to mine right now.

School starts tomorrow and no one is ready. That's to be expected, happens every year, but I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed today by the myriad of things I'm trying to get on top of, because tomorrow I also "start school" - that is, working at a school and I'll be gone all day. I'll leave in the morning just after the last bus has pulled away and I won't return until all the kids are home from school. For an hour at least. More for the high schooler. Not a big deal, they can take care of themselves, but Heaven forbid they miss the bus or need to be picked up after school for any reason. Because I won't be there to do it. All those things I worried about doing over the summer and figured I'd have time to accomplish "once the kids are back in school"? No such luck.

But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that I've essentially run out of time to do anything required during school hours and there are still loose ends to be tied up. I'm only one person and I can't do it all, so some things have had to give. And then, in the middle of it all, while I'm unpacking groceries that I didn't have money to spend on, but I had to because we have to start packing lunches tomorrow, my husband comes home, sticks his head around the corner and says, all cheery, "what's up?" Apparently, he's decided to take the afternoon off to "go fishing" (wouldn't have anything to do with the online post he read about the pinks running wild). He goes upstairs, changes into comfortable clothes, and proceeds to take a nap. But not before he asked if I wanted to go fishing with him. Whaaaa??? Does he not realize it's the DAY BEFORE SCHOOL? So, I let him know that there a million things to do and he says "well, make me a list....maybe I can help do some of that stuff". How nice. Make him a list. Which requires me to do ONE MORE THING. Make the damn list.

Well, here's a nice recap of all the things that still need to be done:
- pick up son's prescription
- take daughter to music store to deal with broken flute. Procure a new flute without spending any money, because the coffers are empty, and have it ready and in working order by......tomorrow.
- ride son's ass to finish honor's English homework that he procrastinated on all summer and now has less than five hours to finish. Avoid desire to strangle son when I see him eating/Facebooking/texting instead of working on the homework.
- procure school supplies for high schooler, which we somehow missed doing all summer and now it's the eleventh hour and we probably don't even have an empty binder around the house to get her started.
- make lunches for tomorrow
- hound kids to fill up their backpacks and get everything ready for the morning
- wallow in guilt because we didn't have time and/or money to take all the kids to the fair, especially to see a concert they really wanted to see.
- finish getting daughter's supplies for college, go through her room, help her pack everything up (impossible, since from tomorrow till she goes to school I'll be gone all day)
- deal with financial aid at college (tuition is due Sept. 27 and I STILL have no idea what that will be or how I'll pay it)
- clean my bathroom. It hasn't been cleaned all summer. Seriously. I might have scrubbed the toilet...once...but the rest of it has barely been surface-cleaned.
- finish laundry (haha, that was a joke, the laundry is NEVER done)
- find the "First Day of School" sign and put the year "2011" on it for the requisite first day pictures
- figure out how to make my dog shut up so I don't go postal
- write notes to the schools saying my kids can get off the bus at their dad's house (seriously?)
- make dinner. Except everyone just ate various "lunches" and it's already 4 p.m. So, when should dinner be? 10 p.m.? That's bedtime.
- write press releases, organize a poster-hanging party, and distribute materials to all the schools, while navigating the confusing paperwork required to do such work, to promote a drama production.
- kick myself - again - for volunteering for things I have NO time for, and pretty much suck at.
- wish I was independently wealthy and did not have to work, so I could spend the last couple weeks with my daughter before she heads off to college. I was SO looking forward to this before I got a two-week sub job which eliminates any chances of us doing anything together before she leaves.
- deal with school anxiety coming from all sides.
- return the school clothes that didn't fit, including son's jeans, which means a trip to the store to get new (and likely overpriced) jeans for tomorrow.
- hope son washed backpack and new PE clothes. Just realized he doesn't have shoes for PE. Good thing we have to go get those jeans anyway. Which means even less time to do the honors homework.
- bite my nails over the huge credit card debt we've racked up getting the kids ready for another school year.

I'm sure there's more. Despite my attempt to make lists, I keep forgetting things that need to be done. Come tomorrow, I won't be at anyone's service except the school I'm working for, and if something comes up, then it's not my problem. Or it IS my problem, but I can't solve it. Or I WILL solve it, but at a later time.

In the meantime, my husband is off fishing. Chances are, he won't catch anything, except hell from me for leaving me in a lurch. When he left he said "If I'd known I was going to get a guilt trip, I'd have stayed at work!". That would be just fine by me. Someone's gotta make the money I'm about to spend on jeans and PE shoes.

Summer's End

2011-08-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hayley got a job at Subway....

I know I shouldn't call an end to summer on August 29, but school is a mere two days away, and back to work for me, so I feel like today and tomorrow will be a whirlwind of activity and prepping for school (two in junior high, one in high school and one in....gasp!....college). So, I decided to indulge myself with a little review of summer and all it had to offer. And a good one it was, this summer of 2011. Indeed.

Harrison and I spent a day in Seattle and Rode the Ducks!

We watched airplanes leaving the air show.........

Jeff won second place in his second Quadrathon (swim, bike, run, paddle) at Aquafest in Lake Stevens....

We watched a sunset in Edmonds........

Jeff did his first Aquathon (swim, run) on Mercer Island...

We had a "beach" party at home because it rained.....a lot....most of the summer!

Jeff caught this bass in Boise!

I caught this fish but threw it back......

We went to see our favorite band, Bushwhack, in concert (love the lead singer, Harrison Gordon!)

Harrison caught a fish in Boise with cousin Audrey!

We went exploring on Deadman's Pass..........

Kaden and Uncle Jeff fished together.........

We celebrated Hannah's 16th birthday....

Hayley turned 18!!!

Jackson turned 1!

Kaden turned 4!

We watched Fourth of July fireworks from Kayak Point.....

We saw the moon...........

We went camping at Kayak Point and cooked dinner on the beach....

We made friends with baby ducks!

We did some kayaking!

We saw some wildlife........

We photographed nature.........

Jeff dumped his kayak on purpose.........

We soaked up the sun.....what there was of it!

We saw stunning Mt. Rainier from Lake Tapps.......

We enjoyed more sunsets.........

We jumped in lakes..........

We braved freezing rivers.........

We posed for pictures........

We spent time with the boyfriend........

We tried out funny hairstyles...

We were strong........

We worshiped the sun.........

We got a new cheerleader in the family!

We visited special friends...........

We did photo shoots............

We enjoyed even more sunsets...........

We marveled at the natural beauty of the sound, the skies and the sun....

We had piggyback rides.........

We couldn't get enough sunsets.........

We jumped for joy!

We made memories with friends..........

Jeff kayaked into the sunset.........

We discovered our favorite roses.........

We saw a wolf howl...........

We visited the Oregon Zoo..........

We hung out with cousins..........

We cooked and ate a pig!

We watched the next generation of mamas and babies.....

We visited Portland..........

We went out to dinner a lot...........

We saw a Narnia exhibit............

We went swimming!

Jeff finished Run of the Mill 5K........

So many sunsets, such little summer.............

Jeff finally caught "The Big One" - a salmon in Puget Sound from his kayak!

Goodbye Summer 2011! It was fun!

Bad dog, Shade, part ???............

2011-08-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted about our Bad Dog Shade. He's fourteen years old and he really needs to die already. I know, those of you who love your pets as if they were a child (and that would be those of you who don't have children, because I'm here to tell you, there is NO comparison! Dogs are not people!!!!), will think I'm a terrible pet owner. Disclaimer: He's not my pet. He came with the marriage and I would never have kept a pet like this pet. If you can even call him a pet. See, for me, a pet conjures up images of a loyal companion who loves you unconditionally and follows you around with undying devotion. Shade is not a pet. He's an animal who spends most of his time finding ways to irritate humans. He barks, he steals food, he eats wrappers, he drinks from the toilet, he pees on the floor, he drops little round turds from his ass end at random moments. This dog is a nightmare.

Recently, my husband built a nice fence around the dog potty area so they would stop littering our deck with poop. We had not been able to enjoy sitting outside on our own deck because it was covered in poop (with three dogs it's a poop minefield in about three hours). So, Jeff cleaned everything up, did some pretty landscaping, re-stained the deck, and put out some lounge chairs. Meanwhile, the dogs had their own space to do their business.

But. Shade apparently thinks this is his domain. When he's out there, he barks at the other dogs for drinking water, for sitting where he doesn't want them to, for everything. The dogs just BARKS. Non-stop. And for no apparent reason. It's an annoying, consistent bark and he never shuts up. No amount of yelling or discipline will make him stop. What does make him stop is spraying him with the hose. But only as long as he's being sprayed. Once you stop, he goes right back to barking. Eventually I have to bring him in the house because I feel bad for annoying the neighbors.

Once inside, though, he is so bad, he can't be left alone for even a second. So, into the kennel he goes. Basically he's now spending his days either in the dog run or the kennel and spending very little time in the house because of all the damage he's done. What kind of existence is that for a dog? We tried increasing his walks, but he poops as he walks, making that a very messy and time-consuming job, and not very pleasant for the dog OR the walker.

What to do? Everyone talks about "quality of life" for dogs and the "right" time to "put them down". When is that, exactly? Shade, in my opinion, adds NOTHING to our lives but aggravation. I mean, I'm kind to him, I take care of him, I TRY to make his life pleasant and give him attention. But he just seems miserable. He's been to countless vet appointments where he's pronounced healthy. So, why does he bark, whine and generally seem miserable every minute of the day? I feel badly for wishing the dog would just go to that big doggy house in the sky, but he's just 75 lbs of misery. Why can't he just be HAPPY? He's a dog, for cryin' out loud.

Words of wisdom.......

2011-08-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

For my children, and for anyone.......some words of wisdom...........

1. If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all. This means don't waste your time or energy spewing negative comments about others. No one wants or needs to hear it. And it really does nothing but cause pain.

2. Kill 'em with kindness. If someone is treating you badly, don't stoop to their level and dish it right back. Be kind. Be nice. And they won't know what to do with themselves. It may not change things, but you'll know you were the best you could be.

3. If all your relationships seem to be falling apart or bringing you down, look for the common denominator. It's you.

4. The only thing you have the power to change is yourself and your attitude about things. If you don't like something you can either walk away from it, or change your attitude about it.

5. Your family, no matter how weird, dysfunctional or odd, is the only one you've got. You don't have to like them all the time but you do have to accept them, and their role in your life.

6. We always hurt the ones we love the most. Why? Because they are the most likely to forgive us. And...because we can. Try not to do this. You can't take back hurts.

7. Remember that just one word uttered in anger or at the wrong time can change things forever. Think before you speak.

8. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. It's ok to say "I'm scared" or "I need help" or "I changed my mind".

9. Never underestimate the power of "I'm sorry". But don't put yourself in a situation where you have to say it too often.

10. Be careful with the words "you always" or "you never". Chances are neither are accurate.

11. Remember that everywhere you've been, everything you have and all you'll ever be was shaped and molded by many people. Appreciate that without them, you could never be where you are now. Don't take this for granted.

12. No matter what your age, remember that the world does NOT revolve around you. There will always be someone more needy, more in pain, smarter, prettier, better than you. You are good enough, but you share the world with a lot of other people and you will not always be first.

13.Be nice. Such a simple phrase, but really the most important thing you can do, every day, to ensure you are treated well and that you treat others well.

14. Life is not fair. It just isn't. Deal with it. There's no other way.

15. Optimism is your friend. Stay positive, accept changes and bumps in the road, and be flexible.

Ok? Ok.

Things they are a'changin'............

2011-08-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today, for some reason, I was driving along, thinking of making smoothies for my kids for breakfast. Not today. No, I was thinking about the school year and how I could get them to eat something nutritious before school and I thought of smoothies. And then I realized that they are teenagers and no teen in their right mind ever wants to eat ANYTHING before school, and besides, was I really going to get up every day and make them smoothies when I could be sleeping? No freakin' way! See, at times I do fantasize about being a perfect mother but I embrace mediocrity at all costs.............

Anyway. It suddenly occurred to me, with one of those gripping "Holy Shit!" moments that, even if I were to embrace the good mommy fantasy and actually make my children a smoothie for breakfast, I will not be making ANY type of breakfast for my eldest child. Because she will be going away to college! And furthermore, she won't be here for dinner either! Waahhhh!!! I mean, it's not like I didn't know this. I've known for a good, long, time that she's headed off to college in a few short weeks. But, like all parenting moments, occasionally you clutch your gut in pain from the imaginary blow that is the realization that you actually have to let your kids GO.

I remember saying to a friend once that sending my baby to first grade was like "feeding her to the lions". Just throwing her to the unknown, the big, bad world, to face people from all walks of life....how could I DO that? But I did. When my son, my youngest, was in preschool, he cried every single day. I left the preschool crying at times, once I even had a mini panic attack, and wanted to rush back, collect him from the evil world of Legos and rice tables, and hide both of us under a blanket at home. Like I said, I panicked. But I didn't go collect him. I let him work it out. Just like every other situation my kids have faced.

Last night my 13 year old came home from cheer practice bruised and battered from being dropped too many times. You see, she's a "flyer" which means she's the tiny girl who gets tossed in the air and (hopefully) caught by her teammates. But they dropped her. Over and over. So, she came home with a bruised tailbone, ribs and wrists and was in a state of highly charged anxiety over the whole thing. Of course, my first thought was to pull her out of this obviously dangerous and crazy sport and hide her under a blanket at home. But instead, she texted her coach with her concerns and things started to look up. What maturity! What grace! And I didn't even have to go all "mommy" on anyone.

Today my eldest is at work for a ten hour shift and she's sick. She feels horrible, nauseated and just plain worn out. She called me and texted me several times, but the thing is, this isn't high school. I can't write her a note or go pick up her from the nurse's office. She has to deal with it on her own. I offered to bring over some Tums, and suggested she eat something, but in the end, it's really between her and the boss whether she gets to take a "sick day" or not. Of course I wanted to bring her home and tuck her into bed and feed her chicken noodle soup. But.....that's not my job any more. Well, it IS. Just not all the time.

Last night we had a discussion, my college-bound daughter and I. She said her boss could keep her on staff and when she returned home on weekends or for school breaks, she could pick up a few shifts here and there. I said "OR....you could just stay home and earn the same degree from your college's branch campus which is right down the road" to which she replied "No, mommy, it's time to let me spread my wings and fly". To which I replied "It's much cheaper to clip them!" Sigh. She's right. So am I.

Ra-dick-a-lus!

2011-08-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

Today was really long. I mean, technically, it had the same number of hours and minutes as any other day (funny how that works) but there was just a lot packed into this day that made it stretch like silly putty.

It started out with me delaying and delaying getting a shower until the last minute because I had to take Hannah to camp. But I knew I was coming home after, so I skipped makeup. And face lotion. Which always makes my face feel weird. Don't you hate that? Anyway. I dropped her off and then went to satisfy my insatiable craving for an iced mocha and a delectable little treat, aptly named "muffin top". No, seriously! This little espresso stand near my house sells muffin tops. Not the doughy white abdominal fat that squishes out of a tube top on a fat chick! No....a "real" muffin top, ergo, the top of the muffin which, as everyone knows, is the best part. But of course, this is one supersized muffin top, guaranteed to pack on the pounds so you, too, can sport your own modern version of the "spare tire". Mmm......the chocolate chip one is divine!

So, I enjoyed my muffin top and coffee while accomplishing "a lot of stuff" on the computer, which loosely translates to: I finally filled out some forms and checks and stuff and called a few places and got that stupid college loan thing figured out. Before I knew it, it was time to head up to my attorney's office.

Now. The thing about attorneys is that they're so intimidating. I mean, really, they are worse than cops in the "I'm way more important than you" department (apologies to nice attorneys, if there are any). I would rather poke a hot fork in my eye than meet with an attorney ANY time, but alas, it appears that my ex has created a bit of a stink over helping pay for our daughter's college education (I know, WHY would anyone want to do that?). So, off I went. And do you know....that guy was SO rude. He actually texted and typed on his computer (no doubt on Facebook!) the entire time and never even made eye contact with me. Also, he didn't give me very good advice. I mean, I'm not belittling his bar exam and all, but I could have figured that out myself. I really hope he doesn't charge me for the fifteen minutes I spent watching him check his Blackberry.

So, I hit the road back home (and did I mention my attorney's office is about 30 minutes away on a good traffic day so what a total waste of gas?). I called my husband to vent about the meeting and the general state of things and he mentioned that he needed some cash for a fishing trip he was taking that evening with a work buddy. Gas money and all. So, I stopped at the ATM and did a quick withdrawal. Then, I went home.

When I got home, precisely at 2 p.m. which I had told my kids about a hundred times was the time we'd be leaving, I found them not ready (again!) and realized the dogs had not been let out. So, I yelled a little bit and sent my husband an irate text (to vent, again, sorry Jeff!). Then I sent one of them back in to let the dog pee and the other one back in to put the cash I got from the ATM for my husband on THE BATHROOM COUNTER (remember that, it's important later). Off we went. I had a doctor's appointment because my back has been killing me for ten days, but of course, on the day of the appointment, I woke up feeling much better. Still, I had the appointment, might as well check it out. So, I gave the kids $20 and sent them to the local burger joint to eat lunch while I did the boring doctor thing.

Did I mention I was really hungry at this point? You know, because that muffin top was wearing off (the pastry not my stomach, much to my dismay). But I figured I'd be an hour, tops, and then I could grab a snack. Hm. Why do I EVER think a doctor's appointment will be just an hour? I actually arrived at 2:20 which was ten minutes before my appointment. I was checked in and ready five minutes before my appointment. And I waited. And waited. And was finally called into an exam room where a medical assistant took my vitals and asked me a bunch of questions. And she left. And I waited. And waited. And finally the doctor came in and had me do a bunch of stretches and movements to prove that my back really did hurt, and then decided I should get an x-ray. Oh, but first they had me pee in a cup to rule out kidney infection AND pregnancy. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

At this point, I was SO HUNGRY that I thought about eating the emergency protein bar I keep in my purse for just such emergencies, but the truth is, when it really comes down to it, that protein bar seems so ICKY that I can never bring myself to eat it. I'd rather gnaw on my arm. But I did text the kids to see what they were up to, and found out they were near a donut shop. I told them how hungry I was and they asked if I wanted them to go back to the burger joint for a bacon burger. Oh my goodness, yes! But, alas, they only had $4. So, I told them to hightail it back to the donut shop and get me a donut and some milk, STAT! At this point, I was waiting for my x-ray. My blessed saviors arrived with my donut and milk and I realized we only had fifteen minutes before they needed to be at camp. So, I left. I hightailed it out to my car and dropped the kids off at camp and headed back to the doctor's office. And do you know that I was still in the queue for my x-ray? It was like I was never gone!

After finally getting my x-rays, I headed back up to my exam room with my films. And waited. And waited. And finally the doctor came in and ushered me out to the lightbox in the hallway to show me and everyone who walked by my lovely spine, which is quite curvy and has some compressed disks. But nothing too serious. So, I got a prescription for muscle relaxants and physical therapy. Neither of which I will probably even take advantage of, because, like I said, the miracle of paying my $15 copay had miraculously cured me.

So, I went back to pick up the kids and headed straight for cheer practice (not for me, silly, can you imagine?). Dropped off the cheerleader and drove home. I had about twenty minutes of checking in with the kids, and the TV was on and it was a show about making wedding cakes so I had to get out my wedding album to show the kids my most wonderful, best ever wedding cake. But I could not find my wedding album. Well, actually I COULD find the album from my FIRST wedding, but not my most recent and BEST wedding. So, first I showed them my first wedding cake, which was pretty traditional and not at all interesting, and then I finally found my BEST wedding album and showed them my most delicious, tiered wedding cake with tuxedo strawberries all over it. It was really the best cake ever. EVER! And Hannah mentioned that she never got to taste my wedding cake and I thought that was just a tragedy so I need to go to Spokane and visit Just American Desserts and have another wedding cake made.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. After that, my friend picked me up and we went to dinner at Blazing Onion. And boy howdy, was I ever hungry, seeing as all I'd had to eat was sugar (I wonder if that's why I was talking so fast?). So, I got a big, huge, California bacon burger and sweet potato fries and an Olympic Sunset which was a delightfully fruity beverage just perfect for capping off a busy day. Then, we went to see "The Help" which was a wonderful movie and a bit of a tearjerker, but please don't see it until you read the book because it's just that good. The book, I mean. And I had Reese's Pieces at the movies and now I feel as though I might explode.

And then I came home and my husband had cleaned fish and the kitchen smelled faintly of fish guts and he complained about a noise coming from his truck and then grumbled about not being able to find a video camera but all I heard was "blah, blah, blah". And then he said "Hey, I just found this $40 on my desk". Which was the money I sent the child to put on the bathroom counter. Remember? Bathroom counter/desk. Yep, they sound pretty much the same.

At 11 p.m. I heard my 13 year old come in the door from an outing with the neighbors and ask if she could have a sleepover. Sleep over what? It was already practically the next day!

Oh look, it's already the next day! And I hear my children up and doors closing and kitchen sounds which usually means someone's making a mess. Or maybe that's the boyfriend leaving. I don't know. And so, I will officially close this very long, and very busy day and try to get some sleep. How was your day?

Bad mommy goes to college..........

2011-08-17T00:59:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm not going to college. So, why do I have a headache after spending an hour or so filling out an online application form to pay for my oldest daughter's college education? I'm certain I should have done this a very long time ago, and perhaps then I would not be running into trouble whilst the site says to me "your name does not exactly match the name on your master promissory note". Which it DOES, indeed. Because, I KNOW MY NAME! And guess what? I went to college. Earned a degree and everything. So, I do not appreciate being dragged back into the red tape that is "paying for college" and getting a headache in the process.

A good mommy would have done all of this by now. A good mommy would know exactly how much their eldest child's education was going to cost, and have a large stockpile of money to cover that cost. But, alas, bad mommy strikes again and I do not have such funds, nor the brain capacity to comprehend everything that is "going to college" these days.

For one thing......I had a very different college experience than my daughter is going to have. I went to community college, then a university, and paid for most of it along the way, getting loans the last year. Actually, my parents got a loan on my behalf, and ten years after I graduated, I found out my dad was still paying $101.50 a month. TEN YEARS!!! I said, "Dad, really...." and took the payment book (haha how much does that date me? Remember payment books? And coupons you tore out once a month to send in with your payment). I paid off the loan in short order, because, by that time, I was an adult. And had children! For goodness sake.

But how else to pay for college? Unless you're lucky enough to have a trust fund or rich grandparents, or both, I don't know anyone who can afford to outright pay for college. So, we get loans. Or we try to, until the stupid computer system tells us we don't know our own name. Which we DO!

So, not only do I have NO clue how much college is going to cost (except we did get this one letter, which I just found tonight on my daughter's bedroom floor, that contained some numbers which I'm pretty sure are important), but I don't feel like I'm ready at ALL to send her off to college.

I'm not talking about "oh, she's so grown up" and "I'm going to miss her", although I most certainly will. I'm talking about the fact that I've bought her bedding but not books, towels but not tape, storage containers but not scissors. Every day I think of things she will need. Like bandaids and cough medicine. And a stapler. Important stuff!

School starts for the other kids in less than three weeks and I have not purchased so much as a ream of college-ruled paper. No supplies, no clothing, no new shoes. I guess it's my way of rebelling against the LAME summer we've had. It's just now getting nice out on a consistent basis and the kids are up the their eyeballs in camps until school starts. So much for all those beach and park trips I envisioned. So, I say screw school shopping. We have a couple of weeks left.

But this college thing.......it's not going away! At some point, they are going to REQUIRE me to pay them a large sum of money that I do not have. And so, I will have to quickly conjure up an alternative source. I gave it a gallant attempt tonight, but, honestly, it might be easier to sell one of my offspring, or pawn my old wedding ring to pay for the books, the tuition, the room and board. Holy COW is that stuff expensive! We're talking premium rent for a tiny, stuffy room and a few squares a day.

So, I continue on in my fog of uncertainty. I stare in confusion at those parents who have it all figured out. Those parents who spent a ton of money on SAT prep courses, college visits across several time zones, a $175 an hour college "consultant", those parents who actually went to the orientation. I meant to go, I really did, but we had a trip scheduled and I didn't find out about the conflict until it was too late. So, I missed out on what was apparently the meaning of life and the location of the holy grail by not attending the orientation. All I got was a logo bag filled with more paperwork that filled my brain with too much information.

But, boy, it's a good thing I got MY college degree! It made me so smart..............

Things to do at a party........

2011-08-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

If your child has ever attended a party at my house, you probably shouldn't read this.....haha. Just kidding. I just thought I'd mention some of the shenanigans that have gone on at my house during the many parties we've hosted with an abundance of teenagers. Here's a sampling:

- whipped cream "shots"..can't remember which kid introduced this one, but the idea is that you squirt whipped cream on the back of your hand then hit the bottom of your hand with your other fist and try to get the whipped cream to shoot up in the air and catch it with your mouth. Here's a hint: It doesn't work. EVER. What it does is create a very sticky floor.
- covered an entire sliding glass door with writings (some of them NOT g-rated), thankfully, in window marker
- tossed a pillow pet into a chandelier
- spun the cupcake "tree" so violently that cupcakes actually went flying around the room
- filled each other's mouths with carbonated water to see who could handle the most
- purchased dry ice (because they were newly 18) and made dry ice "bombs" with water bottles
- filled each other's mouths with whipped cream
- stolen the "kids at play" green plastic "child" sign from the neighborhood streets and placed it atop a mailbox and/or several cars
- thrown candy/cereal/nuts at each other
- run in circles through the house, including the kitchen where a piping hot pizza was being removed from the oven (gasp! What if they got burned? Jeff says "survival of the fittest...that'll teach 'em")
- slept three or four to a bed - sideways
- stayed up all night (always)
- and likely countless other things that happened when I went to bed, whether it was 1 a.m. or 5 a.m. And I don't really want to know about those things..........

Beauty IS only on the surface.........

2011-08-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

The old saying "beauty is skin deep" isn't really accurate. Because what someone is on the INSIDE is really what counts, right? A beautiful soul, etc.? Well, that doesn't apply to everything.

Like, for example, Lake Washington. Today we kayaked around the lake and it was so beautiful. The sky was blue, the clouds were white and fluffy, there were baby ducks and magnificent birds. The lake was dotted with picturesque lily pads with perfect white lilies. But........

Underneath all of that, was the most disgusting, horrifying, slimy, scary and icky stuff ever. The water was positively thick with weeds, all green and slimy and swaying in a spooky way just under the surface. It was like floating on top of a haunted forest. The "land"scape was dotted with various broken logs, covered in slime and looking like gravestones. Every other paddle dredged up seaweed that hung off the paddle like hair. I tried to shake it off but it just wrapped itself around my paddle. Ick, ick, ick!

I soon figured out that as long as I did not look down, everything was fine. It was serene and beautiful, so peaceful just floating along. Every so often a fish would jump. That got Jeff all excited and he decided to bait our hooks. I dropped my worm in the muck and waited for a bite. But all I caught was more seaweed. Jeff caught two perch. Sigh.

A couple of times I actually got stuck in the muck, and it slowed my kayak down. I momentarily entertained thoughts of my kayak flipping over and me flailing around in the scary weeds. I mean, really, what would I do? Jeff actually practiced flipping his kayak on purpose, so he could ensure he could actually get back in the boat in case of emergency. Me? I figured if I went over in the boat, I was a goner! The minute my leg wrapped around that slime, I'd have a panic attack that would put me in cardiac arrest.

I guess I should really be more prepared just in case. I mean, it's just weeds, right? Shudder. Maybe next time I'll wear my wetsuit just in case.

Cheap toilet paper........

2011-08-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

There are some things you should never skimp on. For example, I always use Tide and Clorox bleach to clean my clothes, some store brands just don't cut it for me, and there's just no substitute for good shoes (but most of mine are from the bargain store!). Still, I sent my oldest to the store a few weeks ago to get toilet paper because we were down to one roll and that constitutes a state of emergency in our household of six. (Plus, there's no telling what the kids would do if we actually ran out. I feared for the dirty clothes on the floor of their bathroom!) She came back from the store with two large packages of a bargain brand toilet paper. No worries, I thought, it's just toilet paper. Boy, was I wrong!

I have never, not even in the grimiest, most remote rest stop bathroom, never in my life seen toilet paper so thin! I'm telling you, onion skin, rice paper, Kate Moss........NOTHING was thinner than this toilet paper. I had to wrap it around my hands thirty or so times to make a square thick enough to do the job. I've heard of two-ply and even one-ply but this toilet paper was half-ply at best. And the really amazing part? IT LASTED FOREVER!

I thought we'd never get rid of these two packages of paper shavings! Which is weird, because normally we blow through a Costco pack of 48 rolls in record time, but buy 24 rolls of parchment and it lasts forever. I think we FINALLY put the last roll on this weekend and I cannot wait to replace it with my Kirkland Signature TP from Costco, which now seems a thick as a mattress. I actually started to notice how thick and luxurious the toilet paper was at other establishments. For example, yesterday, at a doctor appointment, I used the restroom and marveled at how they could "afford" such thick and strong toilet paper.

The moral of this story is: never skimp on toilet paper and appreciate the seemingly mundane. You never know when you'll actually be happy for a roll of two-ply!

I was told I don't blog enough.........

2011-08-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

I received a wall post on Facebook this morning reminding me that I had not blogged in a long time. Goodness, yes, it's true! And I'm very sorry to disappoint my staggering Blogger followers that total.....20. That, and a smattering of Facebook fans equals my "fan base" but hey, it's a fan base nonetheless and so I shall not disappoint. My apologies for being remiss! (What does that even mean? Wait a sec while I look it up on dictionary.com. OH! It means "negligent, careless or slow in one's duty". See? It's perfect. I have a way with words, even if I don't know their exact meaning from time to time!)

Today it's hot and sweaty. Well, I'm hot and sweaty and it's sunny and 80 ish. And, in true Seattle fashion, the sky is cloudless and stunningly blue and the green trees pop and it just looks like the perfect place to live. As much as I love it, though, I am not being fooled. I know what it's like most of the time here. But a sunny day in Seattle is like the amnesia that sets in moments after a mother gives birth, causing her to think she might just do this little shenanigan filled with blood, sweat and terror one more time. One sunny day in Seattle and we're all gaga over it saying it's "God's country" and all that. I refuse to be sucked in. But I'm enjoying it just the same. Except the sweaty part. I hate sweating.

Currently I'm starving and not expecting to eat dinner until sometime after 8 when we will meet some friends of Jeff's downtown for dinner at Cutters. Which, hey, who wouldn't be excited for that? Dinner at an excellent seafood establishment on the waterfront? But refer back to the "starving" part. I've had this today: a glass of Ovaltine with a little protein powder thrown in for good measure (I was heading to yoga), a tall, decaf, nonfat iced mocha and a ham and swiss panini sandwich at Starbucks, and a cup of frozen yogurt (with some Reese's peanut butter cups tossed on top to negate any healthy aspect of fro-yo). That's all and it's been three hours since that indulgence and now I'm starving!!! I don't want to eat and ruin my dinner but.....something's gotta give.

This week has been good. Monday morning I woke up in a glorious bed and breakfast with the sun streaming through my windows, so, hey, how's that for the start to a great week? In addition I'm "kid free" this week, which is technically true because all persons under 18 have vacated the premises for a week, but the newly minted adult is still here leaving dirty dishes all over and barging in at odd hours. Still. On Tuesday I got to watch my rock star son perform with his band. Nothing like watching the pre-pubescent set perform "Slow Ride", a song about sexual exploits. For the record, their band coach told them it's about driving slow in a car. Um yeah, they have the internet remember? Yikes. But he rocked it out so we'll just be happy about that and forget about the inapropo lyrics.

Did you see that? How I just used abrevs? Do you know what abrevs are? Yes, you do, if you are under 20. Or a tragically hip momster like me! How totes awk is that, kids? Supes cool, if you ask me. Whatevs.

My super studly husband participated in TWO races this week. Not one, but two. One was called a "quadrathon". This involves swimming, biking, running and paddling a kayak. For a mile. A MILE! Never mind you just did a triathlon. Now, paddle a kayak for a mile, and THEN smile because you're still alive. I fail to understand these endurance sports. They amaze me. I, in the way only I can do best, clapped and cheered for him. I'm a champion at clapping and cheering. And taking photos to commemorate the event. Oh, and he suffered an injury! This has never happened at a race before. But he fell on his bike, in the rain, going around a corner and left a sizable chunk of his right knee on the asphalt. In return, the asphalt left him seriously large patches of road rash on his entire right shin, his elbow and one ass cheek. But can I just say how grossly amazing he was running and kayaking with a river of blood running down his leg? Ew. (P.S. He placed second in his age group. Woot!).

The second race was last night. He was very casual about it. It involved a swim and a run. A duathlon, albeit untraditional, because normally a duathlon involves biking and running. This one had a twist and Jeff was excited to do something new. However, his cavalier attitude about it resulted in him not checking the details so that at 5:40 p.m. I was online checking the race details and found out the swim start was at 6:20! On Mercer Island! In rush hour traffic! Over 40 minutes away on a good day! So, we dashed out the door. On the way there, he insisted I retrieve his swim goggles and cap from his race bag so he could "be ready". In the end, we pulled into the parking lot and he grabbed his race bag and ran off, leaving the car running with an empty driver's seat. Okay.....I jumped in the driver's seat and spent the next half hour looking for a place to park. Which turned out to be the park and ride a half mile away. And when I parked, I noticed his swim cap and goggles still in the car. Crap. Long story short, I never caught up with him, he apparently ran straight from the car into the water, stopping only long enough to offload his race bag. He did not get his race number, nor his timing chip. So, essentially, he was a race hijacker (although he did pre-pay for it) and ended up dashing across the finish line untimed, unchipped, and very unofficial. I arrived in time to snap a picture. What a cluster.

So, that's my week so far. The weekend looms with possibility, although Mr. Late to the Race seems to be filling his with boring stuff like meetings and scary stuff like fishing for salmon in the sound in his kayak. So, I will explore some other, tamer options. Like, perhaps working on my tan, or doing some retail therapy. Or maybe watching a marathon of horrifying shows like "Dance Moms" and "Toddlers in Tiaras". Who knows? The kid-free days are not over yet! Bring on the me time!

Squeaky bra syndrome.....

2011-07-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have this bra. Two of them, actually. I know they fit because I was fitted for them. And they fit well, holding in the girls and all their double-d glory, but the thing is..........they squeak! Now, I'm sure one of my bra cups would make a nice nest for a family of mice, but I've checked and there are no rodents in there. The underwire squeaks when I move and it's not only annoying but WEIRD! I mean, it's bad enough when it's totally quiet in a room and your digestive noises start going off, perhaps before lunch or after a big meal. Silence, then........grrroowwwllll! But people expect that. Everyone's stomach growls. Bra squeaks? Not so much.

I first noticed this a while ago and chalked it up to the underwire being "weird" or perhaps made of plastic instead of metal? I even googled "squeaky bra" online and would you believe there were several posts about it? So, this is not an isolated incident. The offending squeak comes from the side of the bra so every time my arms move, there's an irritating squeak that is loud enough for the person next to me to hear. I can't imagine how to resolve this. WD-40 would be messy.

It's a shame, really, because these two squeaky bras fit me best out of all the many bras I have. What is it with bras? You get fitted for them, buy them, bring them home, and after a while they just don't fit well anymore. I try to take care of them - I wash them and hang to dry. Right now three of my bras are hanging on the laundry room door, and I'm sure they're quite a sight. One might mistake them for a double baby hat for conjoined twins. The cups are certainly large enough to nestle a baby's head. They'd make a nice slingshot. For boulders. I guess I could pack them with my camping gear. They'd made a great canteen. I could put a half gallon in each of those puppies!

But, alas, bras are expensive and these actually fit. They lift and separate and have "comfort straps" that don't dig into my shoulders. They do the job, squeaks and all. So, I guess I'm going to have to deal with Victoria's Squeakret. Please don't poke me in the side of the boob to hear it. I'll gladly demonstrate. Squeak!

You know what sucks?

2011-07-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Vacuum cleaners. That's what sucks. And I'm not talking about the power to pull a belly button inside out when applied to an adorably chubby tummy. No, I'm talking about vacuum cleaners in general, and WHY is there not a good one out there?

Here's the thing. I have always used a Kenmore canister vacuum. Probably because my mom did. And maybe her mom before me. I don't know. It's a tradition. Anyway, my latest edition of the canister vac was starting to not suck so much. Which, of course, is a bad thing in a vacuum. That, plus there were a few spots with duct tape on them. I'm not sure why. I mean, growing up, our vacuum hose always had duct tape on it, so I guess I was just following tradition again. At some point, I obviously felt I needed to replace the vacuum. Because, in this house, with three dogs and four kids, daily vacuuming is an absolute necessity. Which is why we always have tumbleweeds of dog hair rolling around, because who's going to vacuum daily? HA!

So, I purchased a "Pet Lover's" vacuum. Great on pet hair, it said. Well, naturally anything would suck better than our current vacuum so for a few days I did think it was better. Never mind that it was an upright vacuum. I thought I'd break out of the mold and try something new. After a few days, the attachments were falling off the vacuum. Couldn't get them to stay put for anything. Plus, the thing weighed a couple of tons. I was dripping sweat pushing that behemoth around. Good workout, but not exactly the type I was looking for. So, I returned it (dog hair and all, sorry Fred Meyer!).

I purchased another vacuum. This one seemed a bit sturdier and was also a bagless, upright vacuum. I wasn't too worried about liking it because I didn't plan to use it. I put my children in charge of that chore. And they seemed to think it was fine. Except instead of picking up bits of debris off the hardwood floors, it was more likely to shoot them out at warp speed, striking the unsuspecting vacuum-er in the shins. And it was heavy. Heavier than the old vacuum. About the weight of a Volkswagon Beetle. And that bagless business? I'm here to tell you, it's GROSS.

So, today I decided to use the old canister vacuum to clean things up around here. Only as soon as I started running it, the aroma of dirty dog wafted into the air. This is a problem. I even purchased little "scent tabs" to go inside the bags, which disperse "spring fresh" scent all over the house as I vacuum. You can practically see the flowers and butterflies twirling from the vacuum as you run it. Not really. Because nothing is a match for "dirty dog". That stench out-stinks them all! So, I've been wondering how to solve the problem and today I thought I should vacuum the canister vac with the upright vac and just give it a good cleaning.

I did discover that the HEPA fliter in the canister vac had never been changed. Since I bought it. A few years ago. Oops. I changed one filter, I just didn't know there were two! Perhaps changing THAT bugger would help eliminate the dog smell? Of course, that necessitates a trip to Sears to purchase the filter, which I did not have time for today, so I decided to just use the upright, bagless, heavy, icky vacuum.

But first! First, I had to empty the dust canister. After about a half hour of looking all over and cursing the beast, I finally figured out how to dislodge the dust container. I took it to the garbage, armed with a plastic grocery bag, to shake loose the dust. What a JOKE! I felt like "Pig Pen" of Charlie Brown comic fame. I stood there, in a cloud of dust, coughing and waving my arms to no avail (who was going to rescue me in the closed garage?). I shook and shook and finally rammed a flattened paper towel tube - the only thing I could access with one arm out of the recycle bin while I was gasping for breath - into the dust container and had to pick and drag all the dog hair crap out of there. What a disgusting chore!

Then, when it was all finished, I realized that there was a micro-fine layer of dust all over the container parts, plus about a million tiny holes were clogged with dust. What to do? I attempted to wipe it off with a damp paper towel. Only there weren't any paper towels, because no one in this house except me has the amazing super powers required to change the roll. So, I grabbed the closest thing - a napkin - and attempted to wipe off the dust container. But it did no good. The thing was covered and no amount of wiping would dislodge the dust.

At this point, covered in dust with both vacuum cleaners out of commission, I decided it was a sign from God that I should never do housework again and I grabbed a sweet snack and headed up to my trusty old computer to blog about it. See? I feel better already. And that does not suck.

A lot of hot air........

2011-07-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

While we were on a road trip this past week, I noticed a trouble light coming on in the car. I looked it up in the manual, which, helpfully, said "call service". The light apparently indicated a problem with the passenger-side air bag, according to the electronic diagnostic process that cost me $114 when I took it to the dealer. They did not know the reason for this, but recommended replacing the airbag and wiring harness - to the tune of $2600! I paid the diagnostic fee and took the car home. Who has $2600 to fix their car? Not me. My son said "would you rather be safe or sorry?" I said I'd rather be safe, but for a reduced price! My daughter, who sat in the front on the way home, said "I'm gonna die!" and I said, "Well, that's why we had more than one kid!" Just kidding.

But $2600? We've been saving for a new (used) car for the kids and only have $1500 saved so far. Even if we used that money we'd have to come up with another $1100 and there might not even be anything wrong with the air bag. The dealer could not explain to me WHY this might be happening or even give me a reason why it's EVER happened. So, who's to say anything is really wrong? What if they pull the whole dash off to replace a perfectly fine air bag? I guess I'll take my chances. The car can't be any more dangerous than a car without an air bag and plenty of those are driving around every single day.

Still, it sucks. Now, I know I need to make a costly repair to my car if I want it to be perfectly safe. Kind of like when I drove my old minivan and I realized that once my kids were tall enough, the lack of headrests was dangerous to their young necks in the event of an accident. My daughter drives that van now, and I never had headrests installed. I wonder how much THAT would cost? I guess we'll just drive as safely as possible and hope for the best. One would think a safety feature that is problematic on a car would be backed up by the manufacturer. Or at least not so expensive to fix!

Quick and easy, super cheesy......

2011-07-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is not a food blog, but last night I needed to make dinner fast because it was already 8 p.m. and people were "starving" so I thought I'd share this recipe. I had spent three hours cutting up fruits and veggies, putting groceries away, making vegetable soup, organizing food, and I needed something quick. So, here's what I did: I took a package of tater tots, a package of frozen meatballs, a can of cream of mushroom soup and a bag of shredded cheddar. I mixed it all up (added one can of milk to the cream of mushroom soup) and baked it at 375 for about 40 minutes. YUM! It was super cheesy and good. I'm sure it was really bad for us and had five bazillion calories, but the pan was nearly scraped clean. I had the leftovers for breakfast. Enjoy!

Showing up and stuff..........

2011-07-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is just a little blog post about the importance of showing up. I remember reading an article once, about Bill Gates' father, Bill Sr., and he stressed the importance of showing up. I believe in the combined power of men and women who "show up" for the people they love and the causes they believe in ~ Bill Gates, Sr. This quote comes from an article about his book, aptly named, "Showing Up For Life". I have not read the book, but from interviews and articles I've read about it, the takeaway message is that it's important to just show up for life. Show up for the game or dance recital or award presentation or benefit concert or charity race. Show up when the family is getting together. Show up when your friends meet for coffee or dinner. Show up to help your friend move to a new place. Show up when you say you will, and when you should.

Too often, we say we'll "get together soon" with someone and "soon" turns into ten years in the blink of an eye. Or we say we'll help at the charity car wash, but the day turns out sunny and we suddenly have other plans. Or we'll walk the 5K race, but it rains or snows and we decide to stay under the covers at home. Or we say we'll "stop by" when the family gathers, but decide that hanging out with our friends is more important. And before you know it, all those lost opportunities and chances to just BE with the ones you love and care about are gone. People move far away. People die. People just stop wanting to be a part of your life because you never show up.

Worse, if you say you'll show up, and don't, people no longer trust you. You become one of those permanent "maybes" and eventually you're just forgotten. It hearkens back to my blog post about being the "do-er, the planner". Those who do and never receive eventually stop doing.

And think of what you're missing. Sure, a family dinner might sound boring to you, but you'll miss the baby's sweet laugh or the hilarious joke, or the homemade ice cream. Or the 5K race in the rain might seem like misery but you'll miss the joy of crossing the finish line soaking wet with thousands of other participants and the hot coffee afterward. Maybe you just don't feel like going out with your friends, but you can never get back those couple of hours of laughing and that might be just what you needed.

Sure, we can't do everything or be in every place at once. But if you say you'll show up, then show up. Establish your priorities and give 100% to those. It's ok to give yourself a break now and then and just NOT do what you'd planned. But don't make it a habit. Because when you don't show up, you miss out. And you can never get that time back. Life is funny like that. It keeps marching on...............

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

2011-07-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have a pet peeve. Well, I have lots of pet peeves, but this particular one I was discussing with a friend recently, so I thought I'd blog about it. And the pet peeve is this: life is too short to not celebrate. What I mean is, you don't need a special occasion or reason to celebrate. And by celebrate, I mean, get together with friends and family and just BE together, for fun, food, an adventure, whatever. We're big on celebrating here. Sure, we do it up big for birthdays and holidays, but we also celebrate the every day - a spontaneous BBQ with the neighbors, a last-minute coffee date with friends, an open door policy that means anyone can stop by, anytime, and just hang out. It's not a big deal, nor does it cost a lot of time, money, or effort. The simplest thing - a weeknight dinner, stopping by with a coffee treat, or s'mores around the fire pit with whomever stops by - is what bonds people and makes memories. And when it's all said and done, your memories are all you really take with you.

But the problem is, so many people balk at "celebrating". Because it's too much trouble to send out invites. Because they don't want to clean the house. Because people might mess up the house. Because the thought of a bunch of teenagers running rampant through the house strikes fear in their hearts. Because they don't want to feed the crowd. Because they want to paint first, or get new carpets, or window treatments, or re-landscape the backyard. Because, because, because.........and before you know it, they never celebrate. So, those of us who DO celebrate become the hosts. Always. Every. Single. Time. Or we're the ones who coordinate the coffee dates, or dinners out, or camping trips or softball party, or book club. And after a while, it's a little defeating to be the person doing all the work in this one-sided relationship of friends.

My friend was commenting on how she's put a lot of effort into getting a group together, only to realize she's the ONLY one ever doing it. And, though the participants of the group come and have a good time and seem to value the friendship, they never reciprocate. They are attendees but never hosts. They happily go on the group outing but never coordinate it. They show up but they don't put up. And the sad thing is, the do-ers, the hosts, the coordinators, eventually give up, thinking the friendship must not be valued enough to keep working on it in their one-sided attempt to celebrate life.

Now, speaking as a person who is the do-er, the host, the coordinator, I'm not going to change my ways anytime soon. But I'm here to tell you, it's NOT THAT HARD! Who cares if your house is perfect or you have your party catered or you can't afford to participate in a group vacation to an expensive locale? That's not what it's about. Celebrating life is about being with the people you love. It does not matter the venue or the menu. No matter the dress or success. People who want to celebrate the big and small events of life really don't care where you live or how much money you make.

So, why not try it? I know people who have never hosted a child's birthday party in their house for fear of the mess. Do it! Kids are amazing, lovable, funny creatures that will have you in stitches. Yes, there might be a spill or two and a few tears, but you'd be amazed at how well-behaved and sweet kids can be in a party setting. Never once, in all the 60 plus birthday parties I've hosted over the years since I've had kids has their been an irrevocable accident or horrible disaster. That doesn't count the many Halloween parties, Christmas gatherings, St. Patrick's day feasts and Fourth of July barbeques we've had as well. Not one disaster. Not even a broken plate. And the way I see it? If something gets broken while celebrating, well, then, that's life.

That's not to say I don't value my possessions or my home. I do! I love my house and all the things in it (well, except for the tumbleweeds of dog hair). But I've experienced nothing but respect when it comes to visitors. Sure there was the one time my daughter's friends threw Cheerios at each other and I found them for DAYS in the couch crevices, and the time someone spilled orange pop on my digital photo frame (it wiped right off and didn't damage the frame at all). There was once wax spilled on the carpet from a tipped candle (an iron and a paper bag = miracle cure!). But really? The worst part of having a party, or having friends over, or any type of hosting is the dishes, the vacuuming and the wiping off of tables afterward. Which takes, oh, about a half hour. Less if everyone pitches in.

So, I challenge you. Not the hosting type? Not the coordinator? Have a friend you've been "meaning to get together with"? Stop being the show-upper and be the do-er! Call that friend and set a specific time and day to meet for coffee or lunch. Have your kids' next birthday party at home (oh, did I mention how much money you can save?). Invite the neighbors over for dinner (make lasagna and a salad, pick up a loaf of pre-made garlic bread and open a bottle of wine - simple!). It doesn't have to be fancy, expensive, or fussy. Just do it.

And don't let those friendships slip away because you're "too busy" to get together. Stop sending the message that you'll "get together someday" when you KNOW it's never going to happen unless one of you picks up the phone, or sends the Facebook message or texts. Be the one who does it. And next time you find yourself suddenly kid-free, as I did the other night for a couple of hours, don't do what I did and think "man, I'd love to go out and have a drink but who'd be available on such short notice?" Instead of driving home and wishing you'd gone out, as I did, just call up some friends. You'd be surprised to find out, as I did, that someone WAS available and really needing to have a little break too. Next time I won't second-guess. I'll just go. Because life's too short. Just do it.

Mom, I'm so bored!

2011-07-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

Today we had a chronic case of the "mom, I'm so bored" syndrome that signifies midsummer. Although the kids have not been out of school a month yet. Still, Harrison was so bored and restless this afternoon. I signed him up to volunteer at vacation bible school. Thought that would keep him occupied this week. Nope. That just gets him up earlier so he has more time to complain about how bored he is all day. After VBS, we stopped by 7-11 to get our free Slurpees and it all went downhill from there. He wanted to "do something" and "go somewhere" but would not give me any suggestions. He said he wanted a friend over and then said he didn't. It was a perfect example of how our kids expect us to orchestrate their every moment. And of how, when you are one of four siblings, and none of those other siblings are around, you don't know what to do with yourself!

Our four kids have been scattered in different directions all summer. Arlie in Spokane, Hannah in California, Hayley working and on her own schedule now that she's graduated. Even Harrison was gone for a weekend over the 4th. So, it's been rare this past week or so to have more than two of them in the same place at the same time. There is no "routine" or schedule to base our days and hours on, so everyone is a little lost. It's all well and good when there's something fun going on, but when it's idle time....well, that's another story.

As Harrison flopped on the couch and bounced around from watching a movie, to being on Facebook, to playing the guitar, he repeatedly shot down all of my suggestions of things to do. I offered up a trip to the mall, a bike ride, a walk, baking something, making playdough, painting, making a video......nothing. Finally, after posting on Facebook, my plea was answered by another kid who invited him over. And all was well. Now, he's brought his friend over to our house, they've built a fire, and are having a grand old time. Why was this so difficult? Why did it take from noon to 5 p.m. to figure out "what to do"?

I don't want to get on my soapbox, but what the hell? When I was his age, I spent every waking minute making the most of my summer. Granted we didn't have Facebook, the internet, cell phones and other distractions, but we had FUN. Mornings were spent getting together with friends and making an elaborate plan for the day. We went exploring, played games involving scores of kids, had spontaneous water fights, and ended every night playing Kick the Can in the street. We would lay in the street, one kid after another, lined up like cars, and let my younger brother jump over us on his bike! I mean, what were we thinking? What if that back tire came down on one of our stomachs? As our parents would say "well, that'll teach you to do something stupid like that!"

I had high hopes that this summer would be different. The last day of school a bunch of neighborhood boys got into a project - building a fort. They gathered tools, scrap wood and spent two entire days working and arguing over plans, hammering nails, and trying to make the "best fort ever". Well, it all fell apart when someone tore down their work in the night and they couldn't agree on how to fix it. So much for that adventure!

One thing I know for sure - when I was young, my parents didn't know where we were half the time, and that was just fine on all sides. We knew how and when to get home if we wanted to eat, or needed to be home for dinner. And our parents knew they could probably just yell for us and we'd be within hearing distance. And if not? A quick phone call to another parent and THEY could yell for us. The point is, we were outside most of the day and when we were inside, we were usually only there long enough to eat lunch or dinner and head back out. I don't remember asking my mom what I could/should do. I'm certain I uttered the "I'm bored" more than a few times, but I really don't remember her rearranging her schedule to provide entertainment for the kids. Plus, if you were bored enough, you might get an extra chore to do. And who wanted that?

Sometimes it just feels really draining to have to orchestrate every minute of our kids' lives. So, I don't. And then.....when left to their own devices, they will inevitably choose one of these activities: Facebook, cell phone, internet, watching TV. Sad, huh? They don't get bored enough to spend time finding things to do. Or things to get in trouble for. Or perhaps something that'll "take an eye out". There's just no adventure anymore. I mean, what's summer without playing "Charlie's Angels" with the neighborhood kids, using a hose nozzle as a "gun" and carting the wounded out on the toy box lid? Ok, I'm dating myself, but you get my point. My twelve year old boy should be outside, always slightly sunburned, with skinned knees, and end each day so dirty I have to force him into the shower. Instead he remains neat as a pin, nary a hair on his Justin Bieber'd head disturbed and I can't remember the last time he needed a Band-Aid for any battle wound.

I did finally succumb to his pleas of boredom today and when he asked if he could pop the balloons from a recent party, I let him hold a lighter to them until they popped. Yeah, a lighter. Fire. IN the house. Cool.

Get up and go.........

2011-07-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have so much to do today and it's almost 1 p.m. and I'm still sitting in my sweaty workout clothes, blogging, instead of getting showered and ready to head out the door. Why is that? Why, when I have all the time in the world (seemingly) do I procrastinate and find a million other things to do and when I'm pressed for time, I try to cram way too much into the short window of opportunity and end up feeling less than accomplished? These are the thoughts that haunt me.......

But. I did do a treadmill workout, so I think that should almost give me a free pass to goof off the rest of the day. Because it was challenging.

However, there is a party tonight. My newly-minted adult "child" will be hosting her passel of friends and that requires a lot of pizza making, snack procurement, and the requested ice cream cake (did I order one in advance? I did not. She told me yesterday she wanted one!). Last year, she also wanted an ice cream cake (again, a last-minute request) and I sent Jeff to Dairy Queen to procure "anything". He took that quite literally, and feeling so proud of himself for finding an ice cream cake that said "Happy Birthday" on it, immediately plucked it up and brought it home. Only it was decorated all tribal-like with scary-looking Tikis on it and her party was a 20's theme. Thank God I had some leftover chocolate frosting with which I covered the offending Tiki decor. Whew. That is why, this year, I will be the one buying the ice cream cake (although at this late hour, I'm not expecting much and should probably buy some emergency frosting just in case).

I also have to return a bunch of stuff today. That is my least favorite thing to do. Jeff says I "must" like returning things because I'm willing to buy clothes without trying them on first. I usually only do that when I'm pressed for time, and it inevitably leads to a few returns. But the real bugger is that I have to return items to FIVE different stores and I HATE driving all over the place and standing in long lines just to return one or two items. Bleh. But I must. I need that money back in my checking account so I can buy more stuff!

Getting a late start just messes everything up. I know I'll be frantically trying to throw together pizzas, get snacks out, clean up whatever doesn't get cleaned before I get home, and basically being a food producing machine while a crowd of hungry teenagers mows their way through my kitchen. Ah well, I love 'em!

So, what gets you off track? What makes you procrastinate? I've accomplished a lot this morning, actually, but nothing of what I set out to do. My life is a series of unfinished projects. I get distracted by switching the laundry around, folding towels, paying bills, Facebook, checking my email, reading other people's blogs, uploading pictures, going through a random drawer or closet and reorganizing....so many things to get distracted by. I almost never watch TV and I don't play any online games. I know those are some biggies in the distraction world. I find the Nike adage "Just Do It" to be exceedingly difficult sometimes. But, here I go! Watch me......I'm going.......really I am...........

Whaaatttt?? I have an adult?

2011-07-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

My daughter is 18 today. Now, when people ask me "how many kids do you have?" do I say "three kids and one adult?" Because that's what she is. An ADULT! How is this possible?

Wasn't it just yesterday that I was in labor? With no drugs? For several hours? Yelling "I don't care who gets this baby out, go get that janitor in the hall, just GET IT OUT!" Did I mention, NO drugs? I did? Ok. I'm pretty sure it was just a few days ago when my baby, hearing her new sister cry shouted "No, Hannah! It's MY turn to cry!". Wasn't it just a few months ago that my little four year old girl had her first taste of the spotlight when she danced to "Walking on Sunshine" in a bright orange and pink dance costume? Wasn't it only last year my third grader won a citizenship award? Just a few years ago that she played the violin in the junior high orchestra? Just yesterday when she received her diploma? (Well, that was less than a month ago, but you get the idea).

Where does the time go? It's filled up with the mundane - doctor, dentist and orthodontist appointments, broken arms, homework, chores.......as well as the celebratory and significant - birthdays, holidays, awards, celebrations, vacations. And somewhere in between, I was given 18 short years to teach her everything she needs to know before being kicked out of the nest into adventures of her own. College looms around the corner and before I know it, she will leave this house and whether she returns will be entirely up to her. Who am I kidding? She'll need money.

It's hard to fathom that 18 years ago I was awaiting the birth of my first child, anxious, excited and totally unprepared for what was to become the single most defining moment of my life. What's even scarier to think about is that I'm 18 years older now. (That's impossible, I'm still so YOUNG! Right? Right?)

I Googled "what can you do at age 18?" and here are some of the things I discovered. She can:
- vote
- join the military
- get convicted as an adult
- enter into a contract
- get married
- buy tobacco
- get a piercing
- get a tattoo
- change her name
- buy spray paint
- buy a lottery ticket
- rent a hotel room
- rent an apartment
- get a job

None of those sound particularly appealing. And why rush things? I've devised my own list. Hayley, my adult daughter, now that you are 18 you can:
- still watch iCarly and Victorious
- do arts and crafts
- eat macaroni and cheese
- collect Pillow Pets
- buy sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and glitter glue pens
- buy "big Gatorade"
- make cupcakes
- have movie marathons
- get a job

About that job.........she got one! Sure, she's wearing a visor and an ill-fitting polo shirt and smells like onions and salami when she comes home, but she's employed and earning her own paycheck. Perhaps one day soon, she will buy ME lunch (or coffee, or shoes, or braces, or a car?). One can hope.......

So, now our house is equally divided: three adults and three kids. Sounds about right. Balance.

Summah!!!!

2011-07-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, world! Breaking news! Summer came to Seattle and it's only July 2. It's also the most amazing Jeff Moore's birthday, so that makes it even better. I was laying out in the sun (remember that ? "Laying out"? That's what we called it before "tanning" came into fashion) all greased up with the most amazing smelling Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen (again, remember when we used tanning oil? This was similar but with the added protection of sunscreen) and started thinking about how easy summer is. That, after all, is really why we all love summer so much. Not because it's warm and we're on vacation and the barbeques are fired up. No, it's because summer is just so damn easy. For instance:

- in summer time, don't bother bathing your kids. No, instead, once a day, lay out a large tarp across the grass. Run the hose so it covers the tarp with fresh, cool water. Unwrap a few bars of soap (Irish Spring works great and has that uber clean scent all moms love). Have each kid do the slip and slide thing down the tarp and when they're nice and wet, give 'em a bar of soap and let them lather themselves up. Repeat madcap slide down tarp. Repeat. Repeat. They will be so squeaky clean, you'll WISH you smelled sweat and dirt instead of the luck 'o the Irish.
- Otter pops with a side dish of watermelon is a perfectly acceptable summertime dinner (or lunch or breakfast).
- Don't bother exercising in the summer. Really, it's way too hot out, you don't want to risk heatstroke. And in some parts of the country, you'll be sweating like a pig from sunup to sundown so you'll be burning fat like nobody's business.
- Save money! Stock up on Popsicles, Drumsticks, Eskimo Pies and Push Pops. When the kids hear the sinister tune of the ice cream man, save yourself four bucks a pop and open the freezer instead. Offer the kids a nice ice cream sandwich purchased 2 pkgs for $5 with a 50 cents off coupon. Bargain!
- Sleep naked, covered by just a sheet (preferably washed in Tide and dried with a Downy sheet for that fresh, clean scent), with a fan running. Saves on laundry!
- Cocktail hour is for everyone! While the little darlings mix up your margarita (blended, salted rim, please!), set out a pitcher of water, a variety of Kool-Aid packets (10 for a dollar!) and a big ole bag of sugar and let them mix their own concoctions.
- Throw caution to the wind and let the kids tan on the roof with their friends. The dozen or so beach towels they leave up there will give your house a quaint ghetto touch.
- Water! Water is the essence of summer. Swimming in it, drinking a cool glass of it, pouring an ice cold bucket of water over the unsuspecting head of a neighbor. Pure bliss.
- Jump on the grilling sensation! Everything can be grilled these days. Not just for steaks and burgers, grills can turn out grilled peaches, "hobo" packets of beef stew, even pizza! Try some new variations - grilled smoothies, grilled mac and cheese, even grilled oatmeal! The grill is your friend!
- When it's hot out, let's all be a little more forgiving of extra flesh being exposed. However, please do not bare your tummy unless it's taut as a drum, and keep bra-strap peekage to a minimum. Doughy, white flesh is one of the true tragedies of summer.
- Never rise too fast from a wooden chair when wearing shorts (yeeouch!)

Yes, summer is FUN! Enjoy it while you can, for tomorrow it may rain. (No, really, it's supposed to rain tomorrow).

Pooping at Target..........

2011-07-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I said pooping. So, as the title suggests, this blog post will be about poop. And if you don't like talking about bodily functions, then just skip it. If you think bodily functions are hilariously funny and are not so uptight as to pretend you don't poop, then read on, my friend!

Is it just me or is there something in the air at Target that makes one need to use the facilities for that most dreaded chore? In the most dreaded place, a public restroom? Perhaps it's the smell of popcorn that triggers the response, or maybe it's walking past the teeny-weeny bikinis that makes one want to dispose of that "five pounds of fecal waste" the infomercial for colon cleansing talks about? I don't know but every time I go to Target, whatever time of day, I suddenly need to GO. And, like Stifler, of "American Pie" fame, I will go to great lengths to avoid doing the big P anywhere but home.

But I walk through the garish red automatic doors of Target, and while all is well for a few minutes, it never fails that I have to leave my half-full shopping cart somewhere near the restroom door, hoping no one decides to steal the one pair of yoga pants that fit me, or the assorted items from the dollar bin that I didn't need, and head into the stall for a little "quality time". And who wants to do that in public? NO ONE! People go to great lengths to avoid the embarrassing public poop. There's the "courtesy cough" to cover up any noise, the "courtesy flush" to minimize air time of the offending product, even the hasty retreat from the restroom (who's gonna know it was you?) to avoid the walk of shame.

Public pooping is just downright inconvenient. I envy the people who have their "necessaries" on a schedule so that there are no surprise Target attacks. My husband would argue that a daily dose of fiber therapy would help that. Yet, somehow, drinking a thick mixture of orange-flavored goo every morning is just not my idea of a wake-up call. So, I continue to gamble with the possibility that maybe Target won't have that, ahem, effect on me. It may be genetic, however, as I appear to have passed a recessive gene on to my children. Because on a recent shopping trip to Target, one of them (I will not say who to avoid mortification) had the same problem.

Ironically, this happens at Wal-Mart too. Maybe spending money just scares the crap out of me. (Disclaimer: this blog is "out there" even for me. Still, I laughed. And it's also 2:48 in the morning so I take no responsibility for my sleep-blogging).

Lists.........

2011-06-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

My kids hate my lists. I LOVE my lists. I especially love lists written on a sheet of fresh, crisp notepaper, or a sticky "list" post-it note. Those are list nirvana right there. And I very much enjoy crossing things off my lists. Once, I even wrote down everything I had done instead of what I needed to do because then I could cross everything off! YAY! Ok, so I'm a little listaholic. But the point is, lists make things easy. They make things clear and there's no misinterpretation to be had. And therein lies the problem.

When you write something on a list, certain people (my children) take them VERY literally. So, I am unable to write a list such as "clean house, do laundry, make dinner" because 1. my kids would say "make DINNER? Is she kidding?" and 2. their idea of "clean house" involves putting all the crap into piles and pushing everything to the perimeter of the room. Therefore, I must make lists that say things like "put socks on stairway into your laundry basket" or "empty the 2 1/2 pounds of yeast you spilled, then vacuumed up, out of the cannister so it doesn't blow up". If I put "clean kids' bathroom" on the list, that may involve one party picking up only their clothes off the floor, or another party cleaning just the countertop (by scooping everything into a drawer and running a tissue over the surface). So, I have to be specific.

Today, for instance, my list did not include specific instructions to clean up the family room. Now, common sense would dictate that if it's your crap, pick it up. But common sense is in short supply around here, so child A thought child B should pick it all up because it was her job to vacuum, but most of the mess actually belonged to child C. Again, common sense would dictate that child B would ask child C in a nice way (i.e. NOT "pick up your stuff, you troglodyte!") to pick up his things so that she could vacuum. When I indicated that the perpetrator should pick up the mess, child A said to me "Well, it wasn't on the list!" Oh, my.

So, I guess I am going to have to start making lists even more specific. Like "after pouring cereal, fold down bag and shut box and replace in pantry where you found it", and "don't sleep in a sleeping bag on top of your covers because you're too lazy to make your bed", and "the entire house is not a shoe rack". Before you know it, I'm going to have to include things such as "Take shit. Wipe ass." I mean, seriously? Does everything have to be spelled out? What ever happened to common sense, seeing something out of place and fixing it, or putting things back after you use them? Or doing things for the common good? Holy cow, would it kill kids these days to pick up the Tootsie Pop wrapper after they drop it, instead of leaving it on the floor for three days until I cave in and pick it up myself? ("But it's so FAR down there and I'd have to BEND and my back HURTS and it's not even mine....blah, blah, whine, whine).

I'll keep making my lists. Because even if they do not appreciate the convenience and sense of making a list and checking it twice, I can at least look and see what they have checked off and what they consider "done". And no one can say "I forgot" because it's right there, on the sticky-note list. CHECK!

Vacation's all I ever wanted........

2011-06-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

Remember that song? "Vacation" by the....the....the....Go Go girls? Bananarama? I don't know.....one of those girly groups. I could Google it but why? Anyway.

We're on a sort of "vacation" in Portland. Jeff had another volunteer speaking engagement with the ACS so we jumped on the free hotel room. However, "free" is relative, because it's cost us big in restaurant food and entertainment. We spent the first day at the science museum, which was fun, and I got to reconnect with an old friend. I had carefully planned a few destinations to visit while in Portland - OMSI, the zoo, Pittock Mansion, Finnegan's toys, Powell's books.......but so far we've only made it to one of those. The second full day here, the kids just wanted to swim. Which is cool. Because the hotel had a nice pool. But since I didn't really feel the urge to stuff my ample self into my swimsuit and frolic in the chlorine-laced water, and Hannah had her fill of swimming the night before, we pretty much did nothing. Except watched a few episodes of "16 and Pregnant" and lazy-ed around. We sat by the pool for a while and made a lunch run to Burger King. And I was antsy because we weren't DOING anything, and so many people had told me I MUST visit Voodoo Donuts while in Portland and now we were WASTING a whole day..........but then again, it's vacation, right?

I'm always torn between DOING stuff and doing NOTHING on vacation. I mean, the whole point of a vacation is to relax, right? And when we take destination vacations, we rarely relax. We try to stuff so much into a precious few days, and feel bad for not making the most of the day, or sleeping in and missing the free breakfast, or just not having an agenda at all. Yesterday, I was feeling guilty for just wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day. I'm pretty sure I was tired because I was just bored, but then I thought, why NOT sleep? It's not like I get the luxury of napping every day.......why not take advantage of a time when there is no laundry, no cooking, no carting kids around to various destinations, no extra kids running through my house......and just nap?

So, here we are on our last day in Portland and we're heading to the zoo. We won't knock everything off our "list" but who cares? What about you? Do you like to fill up your vacations with doing, going, seeing or do you like to just relax and have no agenda?

Road trippin'...........

2011-06-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

Today we're going on a road trip. But first, we have a graduation party to attend. So, I made sure everyone knew that bags were supposed to be packed and ready as if we were walking out the door first thing in the morning. Did that happen? I'll let you guess........

At the moment, someone is doing laundry. Yesterday, I mentioned to the entire clan TWICE that the washer was empty and NOW would be a good time to do any laundry needed for the trip. The washer sat empty all night. And now someone is banging around in the laundry room, opening and shutting the dryer, in what I surmise is a frantic attempt to collect some coveted clothing item for the trip. Perhaps an essential item like underwear or a swimsuit.........

The house is a mess. What else is new? But I enjoy coming home to a house that, if not truly clean (because, really, when is it EVER truly clean), is at least picked up and somewhat orderly. Not to mention I enjoy leaving my house in some semblance of order for the poor souls I pay to feed my dogs. Who cares if it's a teenage boy? The point is, they're coming into my house and do I really want them spreading the word to the neighborhood that my girls leave their underwear all over the bathroom floor or there are ten empty soda cans scattered throughout the house? Besides, they inevitably bring their moms over at some point - likely to help them clean up a doggie mess or assist with the growling Shade, who's bark really is worse than his bite. Is it too much to ask that my family keep things picked up for a few days? Never mind........

Also, Hayley will be here for part of the time we're gone so there is inevitably going to be a mess I don't even know about yet left behind. I imagine it in my mind......a bowl with cupcake batter adhered to the sides, empty cupcake wrappers all over the counter, frosting smears and sprinkles adorning the tile, and, likely, a perishable or two left out on the counter to spoil. Yes, my girl likes to bake. My girl does not like to clean up.

Because it's the world's biggest clusterf*ck getting out of the house on time around here, I steel myself for the inevitable "late start" and find myself being lackadaisical in the process. For example, I am currently in my pajamas, blogging, just over an hour before the graduation party starts. I know I can get ready on time (and even run an errand in the process......guess who forgot to tell me they needed a refill on their medicine?). But can THEY get ready on time? This is what haunts me.

I don't know how people leave their house for extended periods of time and have things in order. I've only "held" my mail once in my life and never remember to cancel the paper while we're gone. On the rare occasions I've managed to clean the house before leaving, I've been bitterly disappointed by the chaos that ensues when six people, six (or nine or ten) bags and the various other detritus from a road/camping/vacation trip gets deposited on the floor and I know it's going to take me two days just to get it all sorted out. I think we have some indoor plants that are real (as opposed to the plastic ones that came into the house when I asked Jeff to "buy something that won't die so fast"), but I don't remember to ask anyone to water them. I do, occasionally, ask a neighbor to "keep an eye" on our house, but, really, who wants to mess with 2700 square feet of clutter, dog hair and an unpleasant old dog baring his teeth?

So, it begins. I hear a shower running. That means T-minus four hours until we can actually leave this place. My family........always late but worth the wait?

In the good old summertime.........

2011-06-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of summer vacation but someone forgot to tell the weather gods because it's cloudy and kind of stuffy-ish outside and while it's not raining (now), the weather is heavy with the threat of it. BLEH! School has been out a little over twenty-four hours and so far we've:

- made an emergency run to the store for sidewalk chalk and finger paints (yes, my kids are 12, 13, 15 and 17, you got a problem with that?)
- eaten a whole watermelon (bought another one today)
- eaten a whole cantaloupe (replaced that too)
- had corn dogs (yay, state fair!)
- built a fort (the kids)
- procured a pile of dusty, spider-y wood for fort building (me)
- made nachos out of the previous night's leftovers
- eaten cold nachos off the pan three hours after dinner (me)
- gone shopping for dorm stuff and come home with a new wardrobe (Hayley)
- gone to be really late (everyone)
- been awakened by an early morning phone call on the first day I could sleep in (grrr!)
- met a friend for coffee (me)
- gone shopping for more melon and birthday presents (me)
- fingerpainted (kids)
- sidewalk chalked the entire sidewalk and road in front of the house (kids)
- had fort sabotaged (stupid, bratty, unsupervised, obnoxious kids - not mine!)
- made plans for new fort (kids)
- made cupcakes and buttercream frosting (Hayley)
- licked the beaters (me - YUM!)
- sat in front of the fireplace watching TV (wtf? The fireplace? Yeah, the fireplace)

Now if we could just get a little sunshine, we'd be well on our way to a great summer vacation. But for now, maybe we'll just have to put on our Snuggies and fuzzy socks and read a book. Stupid weather.

It's a dad kind of day..........

2011-06-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy asks girl to marry him at the finish line of his first Olympic-distance triathlon. Girl sees this as fitting, it's SO him. Girl says yes. And a family is born. A family with four kids, three dogs, two houses, two mortgages, and a lot of pre-existing drama. But a family nonetheless.

When Jeff and I "blended" our families, he became more than just a husband. He went from being a dad of one to a dad of four. Ok, so technically he became a "step dad" to three, but what does that mean anyway? "Step" dad? For us, it was a step in the right direction, because, if not for Jeff, our lives would have turned out a whole lot differently.

Jeff has always taken on this family business with quiet grace and thrown himself into it with abandon. He has been not just a dad to my kids, but a super-involved dad who dishes out his own unique love and guidance to them, and does it happily, despite the fact that he doesn't always get top billing.

He took guitar lessons with Hannah. He taught Hayley how to drive. He goes to every single one of Harrison's band practices and videotapes them. In fact, he is rarely seen at a kid event without his video camera and has single-handedly created hours upon hours of memories for us to look back on (plus, he makes double copies and stores one in the fireproof safe, should something tragic happen). Jeff has been a coach or assistant coach on all the kids' teams at one time or another. He attends the school events, the recitals, the assemblies, the concerts, the musical and plays (more often than not, every SINGLE performance!).

He spends hours in the kitchen at countless "movie nights" making pizza after pizza for hungry teens. He cooks gourmet food (and cleans up after!), takes the kids fishing and hunting, works on the cars to keep them running, models good habits by working out nearly every day, and riding his bike to work (even in the *gasp* rain!), and tackles home improvement projects with enthusiasm.

Jeff took on a huge responsibility when he married me. He accepted three kids into the mix that he knew he would have to clothe, feed, and pay for braces and college, and he did it without a second thought. All the while, he continued to be the amazing dad he has always been to Arlie, even carving out extra time with her to throw the football or go on adventures. And he drives her back and forth to Vantage, countless hours in the van, to meet up with her mom so she can spend time in Spokane. He's done this drive when he's sick, when he's exhausted, and when he just plain didn't want to, and he's never complained.

He's our renaissance man. He cooks, hunts, fishes, kayaks, canoes, does triathlons, runs, lifts weights, bikes, swims, works on his truck, builds things, gardens, landscapes, volunteers for the American Chemical Society, is a Toastmaster, and has made huge changes in his life for himself and for our family. He's always willing to try new things and has unbridled enthusiasm. Our kids see this every day. And he does it all without drawing attention to himself or expecting any kudos.

I hope one day my kids will see what a huge impact Jeff has made on their lives. How he has sacrificed so much to be a part of their lives and to help create the amazing family we have. Had things gone differently, had boy never met girl, Jeff may have gone on to a quiet life as a single dad raising a sweet daughter. Instead, he took a crazy headlong plunge into one of the loudest, most chaotic households - a place that is never quiet, never completely clean, always full of people and always full of laughter. I'm so glad he did. I'm so glad my kids got this amazing "step" dad.

Girl meets boy. Introduces three kids and dog. Boy is unfazed. And they lived happily ever after.

My house is cleaner than dirt.........

2011-06-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

At this very moment, in my house, things have reached a critical point. It's not just dirty. It's out of control. There are balls of hair rolling around the floor in the bathroom, visible dust on most surfaces, dog hair in the pantry (eww!), the kids' bathroom is a disaster (wait, that's normal), and the carpets....well, let's just say they have not seen the sucky side of a vacuum in over a week.

Recently, I had family visiting for my daughter's graduation. I envisioned a house cleaned like never before, sparkling and presentable, with nary a dust mite. Fat chance! Instead, we were scrambling to put clean sheets on beds and the best contribution I made to the whole affair was buying new towels. The house, while vacuumed, dusted and straightened before the arrival of guests, deteriorated in the alarmingly rapid way that only a house with four kids and three dogs can, and all was for naught just hours after my family descended.

For one thing, my kids have NO concept of making guests comfortable by perhaps altering their routine of slovenliness for a few days. Like, perhaps, they could have refrained from leaving dirty underwear on the floor of the bathroom being shared by guests, or thrown away the wrapper/box/paper/container that their various food products came in instead of leaving them on the counter/next to the computer/table. Also, chores seem to fly out the window when guests arrive and the kids enjoy using "visiting" as an excuse to pretend they are in a hotel and I'm their personal maid.

Then, there were the meals. I envisioned a lovely meal each night of our guests' stay. My husband, being an excellent chef, would prepare meals that would astound and we would all gather around our large dining room table and enjoy sumptuous feasts every night. Instead, we found ourselves eating Burgermaster while standing in line for graduation, and me tossing a box of donuts on the counter for breakfast before dashing off to work.

We spend hours cleaning the house and it's undone in minutes. It's hardly worth the effort. Which could explain the current state of our humble dwelling. The funny thing is, if I were a guest in this house (or this was someone else's house), I'd be appalled at the housecleaning efforts. Pink rings in toilets, piles of random papers, a lollipop wrapper stuck to the kitchen floor for two days (that one astounds me - I could have picked it up yesterday, but I thought I'd experiment. Each time I conduct this experiment, the results are the same: I am the only one capable of picking it up!). I'd be grossed out if I had to live in this house. Oh wait, I DO live in this house.

So, today it's rainy and crappy out and there's really nothing better to do than clean this pigsty up. And I'll do it with a hefty dose of resentment, muttering under my breath about WHY can't they just pick up after themselves and WHY doesn't anyone ever follow the rules about not eating in the family room, and WHY is there SO MUCH CRAP? And I'll toss a bunch of stuff and fill a bunch of bags with donations and at some point I'll get distracted by a pile or a mound or a disorganized drawer/shelf/area and I'll spend hours organizing it so it can be undone in minutes. THIS, my friend, is the drudgery of life.

Or maybe I'll just stay here in bed on my laptop, drinking Starbucks and eating a scone........because, really, what's one more day of dust?

Graduations and the like..............

2011-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, it's happened. My oldest child has graduated. Today was her first real day of being an adult. So, I figured it was a good day to break her into the joys of adulthood (haha), which was made even easier for me by my other three children's complete disregard for things like alarm clocks and being on time. All three woke up late with a variety of excuses and were late for school. So, Hayley got to drive first Hannah to the high school, then Harrison to the elementary school and finally Arlie to the junior high school (yes, I know it's out of order, that's how late Arlie was). I was understandably very annoyed by this turn of events seeing as I had awakened at 4 a.m. with a migraine hangover and fallen back to sleep at 6 but still managed to get myself up and running in time for work. The final straw was my inability to find my tweezers, which made me get very angry and want to move away to my own house, or even a small hollow in a hillside - anywhere people would keep their grubby paws off my shit. But I digress. At any rate, Hayley and I debated on whether to write excuse notes for the aforementioned tardy children. I said no. She said yes. She said if I just wrote the notes, it would "make everything better" and I said well, guess what, when you're an adult no one "makes it all better" so no notes. She said the consequences might be humiliating. I said that's why they're effective. And on and on.

Later in the day, Hayley had to get her own prescription refilled, made her own doctor's appointment, and then picked up dinner (frozen pizza). Of course, this was financed by MY debit card which she conveniently "forgot" to return to my wallet last night so that when I was rushing to work after the whole "tardy child" fiasco, and had no time for breakfast, or time to make my lunch for that matter, I found myself with no cash or debit card at the coffee stand where I was attempting to purchase a mocha, a muffin and a bagel for lunch (carbalicious?). Thankfully they accepted my credit card.

Lucky for Hayley, she immediately got a job after graduation. I offered her $5 a day to make lunches for the kids (and me). She should make a grand total of $25 before the school year is over - big bucks! Anyway, her first day on the job she left an entire package of bologna out on the counter overnight which had to be thrown away. I figure by the time I take it out of her wages, she'll net about $1.43.

This evening I reminded her she needed to do the dishes in order to get dinner going. So she unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and put the pizzas in the oven. I asked her to do something else and she retorted "Give me a break, I'm doing everything here!" and I said "welcome to adulthood!"

I just hope she has the tools to make it in the world. As a mom, I've done all I can to teach her the really important things in life like shopping first from the clearance rack and how to make perfect chocolate frosting. But this is a child who asked to borrow my deodorant because she couldn't "find" hers and has "forgotten" to bring the milk in from the delivery cooler until Thursday when the delivery is on Monday. She's not above pulling her favorite shirt out of the dirty laundry to wear or "losing" her keys for days, only to have ME find them under the covers on her bed.

I'm not sure if it's the relief from being free of high school, or if it was just a particularly good weekend, but last night she was in a good mood and made an effort to go to Arlie's room and give her a good night hug. As soon as she retreated down the stairs, Arlie came to my room and said "This niceness is creeping me out! Who took Hayley?" Is it a sign of maturity? One can hope.

So, I can only offer up some sage advice on this, the occasion of graduation and becoming an adult, to my daughter, and all you youngsters just making your way into the world. Here's what I know:
- Sometimes really crappy stuff will happen. You'll feel horrible and won't be able to imagine a.) how anything more horrible can ever happen and b.) how you will ever get through it. The answers to those two are a.) it can and b.) you will.
- Keep jumper cables in your car and never let your gas go below a quarter of a tank.
- Always have a snack and a drink handy. You just never know, and it sucks to be starving or parched, especially when you're out of cash.
- If hanging out with someone makes you feel tired, annoyed or drains you of energy, move on. Life is too short to have people suck the life out of you.
- If you think you're in love with someone, or you're sure he/she is "the one" ask yourself this: do they ever make you feel worthless? Do they make you a priority? Do you feel safe? If the answers are yes, no and no, move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. Really, there are!
- Learn how to cook a decent meal. Start with lasagna, salad and garlic bread. It's easy and feeds a crowd. Find a good recipe or have someone teach you. A home-cooked meal will kick the crap out of a restaurant meal and it's cheaper.
- Don't buy anything unless it's on sale or you have a coupon. EVERYTHING goes on sale eventually.
- Keep your space clean. Whether it's half a dorm room or your first apartment, take some pride in your space and keep it neat. It will make you feel better and you'll always be ready for visitors.
- Speaking of visitors, have them often. Stay socially involved, and not just online. Have face-to-face time with your best friends, and make new friends everywhere you go.
- If you receive a gift, send a thank-you note. It's not old-fashioned, it's decent manners. Everyone appreciates it.
- Find a worthy cause to volunteer. Whether it's a small amount of money or a sliver of your time, help someone out on a regular basis.
- If you take medication, do it diligently. Take care of your health. It's your most valuable asset.
- Wear sunscreen and take a multivitamin!
- Exercise! Even if you hate it, you need it and it doesn't have to be torture. Take a walk, take the stairs, no need for a pricey gym (but if you have a free workout room at college or your apartment, take advantage of it!)
- Work. Get a job, part-time, full-time whatever. If you're going to school, still work part-time. The experience will be invaluable and everyone needs to earn their own money, even if mom and dad are providing a full ride.
- If your parents have provided you with a college education, do not take it for granted. Get good grades and thank them every chance you get.
- Remember that you have no one to blame but yourself if you make bad choices. You have the power to choose between right and wrong every day so do it right.
- Every once in a while stay in your jammies and have a lazy day. Just not EVERY day.
- Eat your fruits and veggies!
- Remember that the days of you being the center of the universe are OVER. Time to put others before yourself sometimes.
- And finally, try to laugh every day. Remember that the worst is rarely the worst and whatever happens, you WILL grow through it and over it and life will go on. Keep a sense of humor about you at all times and don't take life too seriously. No one gets out of it alive! :)

I love you, Hayley! On to bigger and better things!!

Frogs with concussions..........

2011-06-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Today was hectic and busy and crazy, but things got really interesting once the kids came home. It's like a whole new world when the kids walk through the door. Here's how it went:

The oldest two came home around 2:15. Made their presence known and informed me they were going swimming at a friend's apartment. I reminded them about our company coming and the fact that our house, which was sparkling clean two days ago, was now a pigsty. They nodded and put on their swimsuits. I noted that the other two kids did not even say hi when they got home, but set right to doing whatever it is they do after school and before I yell at them to do chores.

Harrison came in to show me the two-foot long, nicely matted picture of his sixth grade class that he received today at school. We discussed the picture and the people in it for a while. He took offense at my descriptions such as "funny looking kid" and "unfortunate looking". Then he conned me into playing a Wii game with him. We tried slalom skiing (I suck at it), ski jump (suck more), some obstacle course thing where I kept getting hit in the head with a cannon ball type thing, and finally Just Dance. The girls came home while we were gyrating to some funky Caribbean-inspired music. I was shaking my groove thing or so I thought until Hannah said, "Mom, you can't do that at ALL". So much for gettin' my groove on. Besides, two songs into it, and I was sweating like a pig.

Before we started the Wii game, Arlie came downstairs and said she was "scarred for life". Harrison said "did you see your dad naked?". Jeff wasn't even home! No, it turns out her frog was dead. Dead? I asked how she knew. "Well, he swam into the glass and then slowly slid down the tank and now he's on the bottom and he's dead". I didn't know frogs committed suicide but this was an interesting turn of events. I was fully involved in playing a game that involved me dressed in a chicken suit flapping my wings to land on certain targets, so I asked Harrison to go check and see if her frog was, indeed, dead. Nope. He was doing quite swimmingly. Arlie concluded he had given himself a concussion. Frog concussions. Hm.

Dinner was loud and chaotic and involved a lot of kids trying to talk over one another to tell stories. I had a Tylenol appetizer, so it was all good .

Then came the cleaning part. I especially enjoyed how often Hayley asked me "are you serious?" to the point where I finally said "let's just assume, for the sake of argument, that EVERYTHING I say to you, I'm 'serious' ok?". I asked her to dust the shelves with my 100 or so bells on them. She asked "even the top ones that no one sees?" Um, yeah. She finished in record time so I double checked..."you dusted ALL the shelves?" She replied "well not the ones on top that no one sees". Can someone bring mommy a cocktail now?

Later I asked her to mop the hardwood floors. After the requisite "are you serious?" I explained that I had purchased a product just for this purpose. "How do I put it on?" she asked. "With a mop!" I replied. She produced a mop and I explained how to use it. She said, with all the desperation of a damsel in distress "but I only know how to use a Swiffer!" And she's going to college.

My favorite part of the night, though, was at dinner when we discussed the very warped lives of Disney princesses. "Snow White? She lived with seven men! Slut!", "Belle basically sold herself to the Beast", "Sleeping Beauty? Some guy kissed her while she slept! Date rape!" and "The Little Mermaid? She only wanted legs so she could spread 'em!" These are my children. Kinda brings a little tear, huh?

Oh. And I posted a new list of house rules. They include "no shanking", "no swashbuckling" and "leave all firearms at the door". I'm tired. So tired.

This and that.........

2011-06-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm surprised by how long I allow time to slip away between blog posts. It's not so much that I have nothing to write about (oh yes, I do!), it's more of a time issue and days slip away before I know it. Anyway, these are the things that haunt me........

I had the most fantabulous tuna melt at Burgermaster yesterday. It was delicious and cheesy and drippy and gooey and perfectly grilled, if not a little greasy, on the outside. But, darn the thing, it was SO crumby. And those annoying little greasy specks of buttery grilled bread went right down my shirt. Because my boobs get in the way. Of everything. And eating in the car is not my favorite. Because crumbs go down my shirt. And it's especially annoying when I am wearing what I fondly call my "tummy shirt" which is a convenient little item for girls like me. As in, not skinny. These shirts tuck right into your jeans and while they do not eliminate muffin top completely, they do smooth it out a little and spread the love around. Which may or may not be a good thing. And is definitely NOT a good thing when crumbs from a sumptuous tuna melt go down your cleavage and end up stuck against your tummy for the rest of the day, or until you go to the bathroom and shake yourself out.

While we're on the subject of boobs, I will also say that I accidentally honked the horn of my car with my boobs when I got home. Granted, I had a pile of stuff in my arms and was trying to maneuver my way out of the car but I leaned forward and .....HONK! Oops. My boob. I mean, my bad!

I remember my last post was about wearing a dress and looking nice, so I will mention that I am wearing a dress today. Because it was the volunteer brunch at school and I wanted to dress up. I could really use some Spanx in this thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure how long I'll keep it on because I really need to do some cleaning and scrubbing so perhaps I'll change into some sporty capris and a man's shirt and tie my hair up in a bandanna for that Cinderella-chic look. Yeah.

In a pinch, a ruler makes a nice backscratcher. Tip of the day. Ahhh.

So, my oldest daughter is graduating this week. And I could say "holy cow, where did the time go?" and "I can't believe my baby is all grown up" and all that stuff, but the truth is, I knew it was coming all along. Who am I kidding? I was THERE, watching her grow up the whole time and I did nothing to stop it. What a terrible mother I am. Ah well, here we are and we're right where we should be. I'm pretty excited for her to make her way into the world, if not a little apprehensive at her inability to cook more than cupcakes and mac and cheese. Good thing they feed you at college. More on that later.....

In the meantime, I'm having guests this week and I'd really like my house to look nice. And perhaps smell nice and not like three dogs. And if the dust could be removed from the many surfaces it inhabits and the kids could keep their dirty clothes off the bathroom floor, that would be a nice bonus. I actually have a "to do" list a mile long and I KNOW I won't get a fraction of it done, but I did buy new towels and so there you have it.

Also, I have to make monkey cupcakes today. Well, I don't HAVE to, but I want to. Because tomorrow is my baby's last day of Bad Monkeys marimba band and there is a celebration and I want them to have monkey cupcakes. So, I will bake.

I realize my family has a loyal Facebook following. I can't count the number of people who say they read our Facebook posts and it "makes" their day. Apparently we're very entertaining. That's cool. We'll try to please our fans for as long as it lasts. Fame, as we all know, is fleeting.

We had the lamest garage sale ever this weekend. It was a beautiful sunny day, so who can blame anyone for going to the beach or park or taking the boat out on a day like that? It was one of the Pacific Northwest days that makes you realize you live in the most beautiful state. And I hope everyone enjoyed it, because I'm pretty sure that was summer. And now I have a garage full of crap to package up and give away. Stupid garage sales!

Well, I'm off! Time to procure monkey cupcake ingredients and refill prescriptions. The stuff of life. I took the day off to attend the volunteer brunch and I might as well make the most of it. Plus, the sun is shining through a bit of haze and it's warmer than 60 degrees outside so it's summer again today and I'm going to enjoy it while I can. Happy Monday!

Pretty Ugly

2011-05-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

So, today I took the day off work to attend a PTSA luncheon because I was a Golden Acorn recipient (an award for volunteering). It was at a golf country club and so I dressed up. Black skirt, black silky tank, gold ruffled sweater and a cute gold flower in my hair. Wore shoes with pointy-ish toes and heels and everything! And the luncheon was nice (if not a little long!) and I had a name tag in a lanyard and there was a program and keynote speakers and everything. I felt so grown up! Adults only! (I can just hear one of my kids saying "oh, you think you fancy???"). So.

I was looking forward to coming home and enjoying an hour or so of "alone" time, perhaps even indulging in a smallish nap. But, seeing as this is MY life, and not the fabulously organized, trouble-free life of some glamorous, pretty, skinny woman, that was not to be. I got a text. "I left my karaoke CD on the bathroom counter". And another one. "Can you bring it to me after school?". And then a phone call. Sigh. So, I had just pulled in the driveway from my fantastically grown-up luncheon when I had to pull right back out again, CD in hand, and drive to the high school.

Since I was out anyway, I decided my husband should see my fabulous outfit so I texted him. "Frappe break"? He did not text back for some time, but just in the nick of time I received a "Sure". Off to McDonald's to pick up two mocha frappes. They were topped with chocolate AND caramel today, a perfect little added surprise. I headed to husband's work and we were just enjoying a coffee date in the car for less than five minutes when I received a frantic call. "My tummy hurts! Really bad!" There were tears and everything so of course I had to dash home.

I came home to find 13-year-old curled up on the couch in a fetal position. She still had her wet boots on. On top of the blankets. Put on my doctor hat and performed the "do you have appendicitis?" exam. Administered two ibuprofen and set to checking my email. "I really don't feel good". This was uttered with a bit of panic and we all know what happens after that. Yep.

So much for the nice outfit. I'm pretty sure I got a little barf on it. While cleaning up the bathroom floor and rug. And doing some laundry. I set up the sick one on the couch, but not before spilling an entire cup of water on the family room carpet. In the meantime, the dog was getting into everything and scavenging for food. And barking to be let out every five minutes. Administered more medicine to sick child and finally a little calm.....

Oh, and that was just in one hour. I can hardly wait to see what the next hour holds!

Rapture.......

2011-05-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

So, if the world ends tomorrow, as predicted, don't you think God's gonna be pissed at all the jokes? I mean, He's probably going to come down here and say "you, with the jokes, you burn in Hell!" Or maybe not. I tend to think God must have a sense of humor. Otherwise, how do you explain the mullet? Or Milli Vanilli? Or Tammy Faye Bakker? Or terrycloth tube tops? Yeah, I'm pretty sure God has been messing with us for eons now.

The cool thing is if the world ends, I don't have to worry about the fact that I ate a cookie for breakfast today. Or that I can't fit into my capris from last summer. Or that my roots are graying. Or that I never went to medical school, or learned to fly fish, or flambe'd anything. (Heh, heh, sounds like there'll be a lot of flambe'ing going on if the rapture does come - bwahaha!). So, it's all good.

Still if rapture does occur, there will be a lot of people going "well, holy shit, who knew?" Duh! Everyone knows! It's all over Facebook, and unless you live under a rock......oh wait. I still have some friends who are not on Facebook (I know! WTF?) so I should not belittle them. The thing is, we've had plenty of warning. But I'm sure as shit not gonna learn how to turn off my natural gas line or eat freeze-dried rations if rapture occurs. I'm going to go have a margarita with my girlfriends, sit in the sun, and go out with a bang. (Heh, heh, get it?)

Plus, I can't get that stupid Blondie song out of my head - can you? "And then you're in the man from Mars, you go out at night eatin' cars. Cadillacs, Lincolns' too, Mercury and Subaru.......RAPTURE!

Just because it's sunny..........

2011-05-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

The sun is out in Seattle. Oh yeah, baby! That makes us all crazy and happy and we do stuff we wouldn't normally do. Some of that stuff is just downright......wrong. Allow me to give you a guide to a sunny day in Seattle:
- I don't care how hot you are, guys (and I'm definitely talking temperature here, NOT sexiness), please refrain from taking your shirt off and exposing us to your pasty-white abs, or lack thereof. Really. It's gross.
- Maxi dress? Fugly. Just don't wear them. Ever. Unless you enjoy looking like Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company" fame. (Kids! Google it!)
- Romper. Butt-fugly. Do NOT wear this style. There is nothing cute about a romper. Even on your kid.
- I know it's over 50 degrees, but kids, please stop asking me to set up the slip and slide or turn on the sprinklers. You will be hypothermic in fifteen minutes.
- Wear sunscreen. All the time. My 13-year-old just learned that you can get a sunburn even if the sun is not shining. What the hell do they TEACH them in school these days anyway?
- Please, kids, don't tell me you're "dying" from the heat when it's 67 degrees outside. No one died from being in 67 degree heat for extensive periods.
- The ice cream man WILL be coming by if it's over 50 degrees. You know it. I know it. We all hear it. Save yourself some $$ and stock up on Drumsticks and Choco Tacos at the grocery store. When you hear the "ding ding" have your kids run to the freezer.
- Guess what? You have neighbors. I know, right? You never see them when the sun doesn't shine because they drive right into their garages and shut the door on your friendship. But now they will actually come outside to work in their yards or wash their cars and you can TALK to them. Cool, huh?
- My husband used to live in Indiana for a short time. People there would pull their barbeque grills into the driveway and grill away. Neighbors would follow suit and pretty soon it was a block party! Hey! Don't be afraid to move your soy burger extravaganza to the front yard.
- Don't wear a bikini if anything on your body jiggles. Just don't.
- Sock and sandals, while a Seattle staple, are really dorky. Now's the time to ditch the REI wool socks in favor of bare feet in those sandals.
- And while we're on the subject of feet, get a pedicure! For God's sake.
- Don't be fooled by that bright, round orb in the sky. It's fickle, and like a bad boyfriend, apt to leave you at a moment's notice. Do not be lured in by it's warmth and sweetness. For tomorrow it may rain.
- For the love of all that is holy, do NOT spend the whole day indoors. Even if you, like my 13-year-old today, just drop to the grass the minute you get home and just soak up the Vitamin D, you'll be much happier for it.
- At the very least, enjoy the one-armed sunburn you might procure by driving in the beautiful sun today. And soak up that awesome "hot car" feeling before turning on the AC.
- Ahhhh.........sun!

Hump this!

2011-05-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday. Hump day. But, really, for most of us, it's far more than a "hump"...it's a mountain of monumental proportions that we climb each and every day until at once, we descend and begin a slow journey to ease. Or at least that sounded pretty damn poetic, yeah?

So, today started in the wee hours for me, when I was awakened by the palm of my daughter's hand on the flat of my back, startling me awake with a gasp. She's been sick, so I half expected a middle of the night awakening (Hey! Parents of infants! It does NOT get easier! HAHA!). But what I didn't expect was for her to stand next to my bed and DEMAND that I make her sore throat better, right now. Hmm. Sometimes I fancy myself a miracle worker, but on matters of tonsils and swollen glands, I have no power. Sent her back to bed, then fired up my laptop to read about symptoms of mono. Yep. All there. Roused myself out of bed to take her temperature. No fever. She (blessedly, finally!) went back to sleep. Me? I spent the better part of an hour awake.

Woke up again at 6 to the alarm. Let me clarify. To my HUSBAND'S alarm. If it were my alarm, it would be set to a soft, easy-listening station at a very low volume - just enough to rouse me gently. But since it's my husband's alarm it's set to a staticky, AM channel where over-testosteroned (is that a word?) men shout about fishing and car parts. Bleh. Took a quick shower because I had to take my other daughter to school (since her sister, aka, her ride, was out of commission). While getting dressed, I experienced a temporary, but minor wardrobe crisis (otherwise known as "IhateallmyclothesandIneednewonesandIhavenothingtowear") which made me late. Ah well. She's a TA first period.

I drove back home to finish getting ready (makeup!) and see son off to school, and wait till 8 to call the doctor. Made appointment for sick daughter for after I got off work. Worked at my part-time job for exactly four hours then raced home to find sick daughter waiting, as instructed, outside to hop in the car for the tightly-timed doctor appointment. She was wearing a t-shirt cut off a la Flashdance, ratty pajama bottoms and slippers. Alabaster skin, lank hair and lips tinged orange from too many popsicles. Lovely.

Arrived at doctor's office in time to.....wait. Got a mono test (daughter, not me!). Negative - yay! Doctor commenced exam then kicked me out of the room so she could talk to teen daughter about drugs, smoking and sex. Strep test negative - what to do? With a performance looming tomorrow night, Doctor decided on a single dose of penicillin. Sounded good to me! Explained to my sick daughter that shots go right in the keester. WHAT?

Dropped sick daughter with sore butt back off at home. Had just enough time to pee before I dashed out again to meet a friend. Dropped book off at library beforehand. Met friend for frozen yogurt. Talked an hour and a half. Went to Staples to get printer ink. Had long discussion with son over phone as to which ink was correct for the printer, while he asked me if I planned to attend his band practice tonight? I said, why, when my husband goes every time and videotapes it to boot? Do I really have to watch him practice? Can't I just show up to performances and clap? Got a healthy dose of guilt trip.

Picked up other teen daughter after rehearsal who begged me to get her teriyaki for dinner. I said not in the budget. She pouted, then proceeded to tell me how hungry she was on the way home while I reminded her that I had not yet BEEN home today and would need to fix something for dinner when I arrived there. She stated that I should have a dinner ready at all times when she arrived home and that I needed to "plan better". (She later backtracked and said she was kidding, but how do we really know for sure?). More guilt trip. Consolation prize - she got junky food for dinner - chicken tenders and curly fries from the freezer and a side of edamame. Oh, and that band practice? She reminded me I needed to go to one to "be supportive". BE SUPPORTIVE? I'm their freakin' cheerleader every single day and he wouldn't BE in band practice if I wasn't supportive.

It's not that I don't want to "be there". It's just that when my feet haven't touched the carpet in my house all day, and, let's face it, my fingers touched the keyboard so I can read, write and Facebook with abandon on my laptop, I just don't have a lot left in me. I've spent countless hours at ballet practices, baseball games, in the stinky, sweaty gymnastics gym.......I shouldn't have to feel bad about not making it to band practice when my son has a parent representative there every time. Sheesh!

And I still have to clean the kitchen, make lunches, do the dishes, fold laundry....and I get to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again! But it's Hump Day and it's all downhill from here right? Plus, the sun is shining, so all is forgiven. Happy Wednesday!

We can see you next year.........

2011-05-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

I have a really hard time believing that my dentist is so busy and full of patients that he can't see my kids to get their teeth cleaned until AUGUST! Really? For a less-than-one-hour appointment? How many patients can he possibly have, overall, and if he's truly that busy, how can he possibly keep track of them all?

I've been wanting to switch dentists for a long time. I mean, it's not like I have anything against my dentist. Except that when he talks to you, he mumbles like he's got a mouthful of marbles. And uses all technical terms like "30" instead of "tooth", and "fascia" and "sublingual". What the hell? Just talk to me in layman's terms, will ya? And he's always using those terms when he's prescribing yet another "procedure" for me (or my kids or my husband) to undergo. I don't believe I've EVER been in for a cleaning when he has not suggested or insisted on something being done. Replacing old fillings. Putting fillings on areas where the gum might be receding a bit. Or, best of all was when I went in with absolutely NO complaints and ended up with a bad filling that caused something to go wrong and led to a root canal. And that still feels weird. Like my tooth is loose.

He's recommended a $300 night guard to keep me from grinding my teeth (I'm pretty sure I grind my teeth because I'm stressed out about money, or lack thereof, so spending another $300 isn't going to help much!). I tried to compromise on that one. Bought one of those do-it-yourself jobbers at the drugstore where you boil and bite. I couldn't get through one night without ripping the thing out of my mouth sometime during my sleep. The thing is, I don't much like things in my mouth when I'm trying to sleep.

The latest "work" I had done was fillings on areas of my teeth that were "sensitive". They didn't entirely solve the problem and I've paid through the nose for all the work I've had done that seemed substandard or didn't solve problems. I Googled some local dentists and came across my dentist's name. One review said "he seems to prescribe unnecessary procedures". Hm. Sounds familiar.

So, I'm on the search for a new dentist. Perhaps one that isn't so busy and can clean my kids' teeth before August. Or maybe a once-a-year cleaning isn't such a bad idea. Sure would save some cash.