Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Frogs with concussions..........

Today was hectic and busy and crazy, but things got really interesting once the kids came home. It's like a whole new world when the kids walk through the door. Here's how it went:

The oldest two came home around 2:15. Made their presence known and informed me they were going swimming at a friend's apartment. I reminded them about our company coming and the fact that our house, which was sparkling clean two days ago, was now a pigsty. They nodded and put on their swimsuits. I noted that the other two kids did not even say hi when they got home, but set right to doing whatever it is they do after school and before I yell at them to do chores.

 Harrison came in to show me the two-foot long, nicely matted picture of his sixth grade class that he received today at school. We discussed the picture and the people in it for a while. He took offense at my descriptions such as "funny looking kid" and "unfortunate looking". Then he conned me into playing a Wii game with him. We tried slalom skiing (I suck at it), ski jump (suck more), some obstacle course thing where I kept getting hit in the head with a cannon ball type thing, and finally Just Dance. The girls came home while we were gyrating to some funky Caribbean-inspired music. I was shaking my groove thing or so I thought until Hannah said, "Mom, you can't do that at ALL". So much for gettin' my groove on. Besides, two songs into it, and I was sweating like a pig.

Before we started the Wii game, Arlie came downstairs and said she was "scarred for life". Harrison said "did you see your dad naked?". Jeff wasn't even home! No, it turns out her frog was dead. Dead? I asked how she knew. "Well, he swam into the glass and then slowly slid down the tank and now he's on the bottom and he's dead". I didn't know frogs committed suicide but this was an interesting turn of events. I was fully involved in playing a game that involved me dressed in a chicken suit flapping my wings to land on certain targets, so I asked Harrison to go check and see if her frog was, indeed, dead. Nope. He was doing quite swimmingly. Arlie concluded he had given himself a concussion. Frog concussions. Hm.

Dinner was loud and chaotic and involved a lot of kids trying to talk over one another to tell stories. I had a Tylenol appetizer, so it was all good .

Then came the cleaning part. I especially enjoyed how often Hayley asked me "are you serious?" to the point where I finally said "let's just assume, for the sake of argument, that EVERYTHING I say to you, I'm 'serious' ok?". I asked her to dust the shelves with my 100 or so bells on them. She asked "even the top ones that no one sees?" Um, yeah. She finished in record time so I double checked..."you dusted ALL the shelves?" She replied "well not the ones on top that no one sees". Can someone bring mommy a cocktail now?

Later I asked her to mop the hardwood floors. After the requisite "are you serious?" I explained that I had purchased a product just for this purpose. "How do I put it on?" she asked. "With a mop!" I replied. She produced a mop and I explained how to use it. She said, with all the desperation of a damsel in distress "but I only know how to use a Swiffer!" And she's going to college.

My favorite part of the night, though, was at dinner when we discussed the very warped lives of Disney princesses. "Snow White? She lived with seven men! Slut!", "Belle basically sold herself to the Beast", "Sleeping Beauty? Some guy kissed her while she slept! Date rape!" and "The Little Mermaid? She only wanted legs so she could spread 'em!" These are my children. Kinda brings a little tear, huh?

Oh. And I posted a new list of house rules. They include "no shanking", "no swashbuckling" and "leave all firearms at the door". I'm tired. So tired.


Mimi/Papa said...

someone should re-write Disney characters as you have described them...LOLOL

jeff said...

It's the stuff you didn't see that will really crack you up. Like did you knoe it's possible to mop the entire surface of the hardwoods using just a dab of water from a kitchen sponge? Yes, that's right dabbed on ever so slightly to give just the right amount of solvent power. Otherwise, just your magic product was applied - never rinsed:)