Once again there has been a mass shooting. This time in a church and 27 have died. These include an 18 month old and a 77 year old. In some instances, several members of the same family have died. The pastor's 14-year-old daughter has died. Didn't we JUST have a mass shooting in Las Vegas? Where 58 died and over 500 were injured? But that's yesterday's news, right? So soon we forget - it's as if we expect this to happen weekly now. We become numb. I feel agitated all the time and I am on alert - in the schools where I work, and on edge because my kids go to a public college and school shootings are the norm now, right? How can we possibly tolerate this and what changes can and will be made? Thoughts and prayers are meaningless when scores have died. We need concrete answers and real action. I don't know what the answer is. I personally don't think ANYONE outside the military (and only when on active duty) needs an assault rifle. And, Jesus, could we at least make it a little harder to GET a gun? Our world is completely nuts. Sometimes it's hard to get through a normal day without an inordinate amount of anxiety. Yes, bad things happen all the time. But it's a war zone out there - do we all have to be armed and dangerous just to survive?
In this month of thankfulness, I'm posting a daily gratitude on my Facebook page. And yesterday I almost wrote "I'm thankful I'm still alive and wasn't a victim of a mass shooting - yet." It seemed a bit crass on the timing, but I can't pretend we don't all run the same risk of being subject to the whims of a crazy person with a gun. Every time I go to work, or the store, or a concert, or.....anywhere, my number could be up. Or it could be my husband. Or one of my kids. I don't like to live with those odds. When is it going to be enough? When will the powers that be DO something? I don't think anytime soon because our leader is a crazy man himself. A year into his presidency, and Donald Trump is still a complete nut job. WHY is he still president? When will he be held to the same accountability as others before him - or others serving alongside him now? Money really talks. And what it says is evil.
It's pretty depressing (and it's a Monday, so it's like a double dose of depressing). I try not to let it get me down, but it is HARD. Add the darker days of fall and you have a perfect storm for falling into a funk....an abyss....a cycle. Whatever you want to call it. It's a dark time and it makes me want to hunker down at home with my family. And so I do, and then the days are long and unproductive and I sink a little bit more. I'm not one to be home for a long time. I need an escape - even from my protective cocoon. In order to survive, I need to purposely place myself in the world of mass shootings and crazy people and paralyzing traffic. I need to "get out" and be productive and work. And then I need to retreat and lay low and avoid socialization. It's a crazy time. I miss summer.
And I do try to focus on the positive. There is always, always something to be grateful for and happy about. Mostly it's small stuff - nothing grandiose or notable. A warm drink. Fresh-baked sweets. A movie. A fuzzy blanket. Fall decorations. Something to look forward to. Always that. Even as a child, I remember thinking I couldn't die if I had something to look forward to. As in, I can't die because there's that birthday party coming up. I can't die because it's almost Christmas. I can't die because I'm going on that trip. And as I grew older, I realized there is ALWAYS something to look forward to and I will die anyway. One day, I won't actually make it to the special event or awesome party. But how wonderful to always have something to be excited about. You just have to look hard sometimes, because it might not be a big event. It might just be the smallest thing.
So, in these dark times, we have to look harder sometimes to find the good, the happy, the anticipation. It's REALLY hard some days. But it's there. Go find it.
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