Shred this!

I've had a virus or something the past few days. And the main symptom that has persisted throughout is feeling like I have a balloon inflated in my belly. My belly is tight and full of, well, GAS, I guess, but it didn't seem to be wanting to expel itself anytime soon. So, I've been walking around like a Macy's Thanksgiving day balloon wishing someone would shoot me out of the sky. And if you think that's too much information, just wait.

After five days of this bloated business, I started to look things up online (as one does). Nothing quite fit my symptoms and it appeared it was just a problem of too much gas and not enough escape. It would pass eventually so I set my mind at ease. But every few hours, it would intensify and I'd think, hmmm, maybe this isn't normal. So, back to Google I'd go (as one does).

Last night, lying in bed around the wee hour of 1 a.m., I Googled some more and I unintentionally fell down the rabbit hole of reading medical discussion boards and clicking on links which led to more links (as one does).

And that's when I discovered it.

Maybe you already know, but if not, please let me introduce you to Shreddies. Shreddies are "flatulence-filtering underwear." These are special undergarments designed to absorb all offending odors from your offing of intestinal gas. A special carbon kryptonite something or other is woven into these briefs and you can fart the day away with nary a person being offended by your stench (it doesn't say if they also absorb sound).

Of course I had to explore more - fart-absorbing underwear, people! And, honestly, as I read some of these discussion boards, I felt kind of bad for this one young lady who was afraid she would never find love because of her nonstop sulphuric secretions. It's a real problem! For real people! I'll admit I eked out a particularly floral toot and that's what started this dubious Internet search. Why DO your farts smell like rotten eggs? (You can Google it. As one does.)

Now I'm afraid my Internet search history is going to look pretty suspicious, but Shreddies are a thing and maybe this will change your life. I was really curious as to why they are called Shreddies and I was hoping "shred" was a euphemism for flatulence in the British culture, but, alas, it refers to a particular undergarment worn by soldiers, who were said to literally "shred" their shorts during marches (bet they never heard of Fruit of the Loom).

Better than the description, the science behind the undies, and the exorbitant price (which, according to Amazon reviews is worth every penny) are the pictures! Here, let me show you:

This is called the "Shreddies Bum Kiss." I don't see any kissing going on there. Only sniffing. And the guy is like "Erm, Daisy, can you just gimme a sniff, love? I've just trumped one!" (P.S. I am not making that part up. Trump is slang for fart in Britain)

And then Daisy gives him a whiff of her daisies. Mmmm.....like a breath of spring! 

And this guy? I don't care what kind of underwear you're wearing. DO NOT fart in an elevator. Just don't. It's a total douche move. Even if you have a carbon filter on your ass. 

This one might be my favorite. Just LOOK at how happy she is to have her bum sniffed! And he's up in there, good, too. "Let 'er rip, Kate!"

Wait, how would she know if you're wearing your Shreddies? 

Ok, all kidding aside, I'm all for staunching the stench. Who wants to smell a fart? I mean, there WAS a study saying smelling farts was good for your health, but it was quickly snipped by Snopes, so stop it already. You don't need to inhale for your health. I've often thought, why can't we have some sort of little disk that lightly adheres to your button so when you "exhale through your butt" you can release a pleasant scent of your choosing? Bath and Body Works could sell these - pumpkin spice, Winter candy apple, peach Bellini, lavender and vanilla. You could buy, like, six in a pack for $3.99. They could be called "Butt Puffs" or something cute. Brb while I go register my patent for that. 

So, if you have an odorous orifice, Shreddies might be your new best friend. Imagine being able to stride with confidence into any conference room, first date, or shared hotel room with absolutely no fear of fouling the air. That whole awkward period in a relationship before you're comfortable enough to fart in front of each other? Eliminated! Chili for dinner? Correspond with confidence around the water cooler with no repercussions from the musical fruit. Hungover? Hang with your homies over Denny's brunch with no fear of peeling the paint off the walls. Yes, friends, Shreddies is a thing. What a time to be alive!