Guilty.........

Maybe it's the grey day, but I'm in a funk. I feel so useless being in bed on my laptop as everyone leaves for school/work in the morning and I know I have the whole day ahead of me with no agenda on it. Maybe I just like to be busy, maybe I really need a job, because although I find working to be just one more chore on my list, I find I don't know what to do with myself when I'm home. I have TONS of things I could do, and I end up filling my day anyway (before I know it, the kids are home), but I just feel like I am not contributing enough to our household income or doing anything to improve our already dire financial situation. It's not for lack of trying - I've applied to so many jobs and continue to peruse five or six job sites every day, applying for at least one job a day, but it's so hard to find something that "fits". With four kids (or maybe just with MY four kids) I feel like I am always dealing with someone being sick or someone needing to be driven to an appointment or something. Most of the time, things are pretty quiet from about 8:30-2 so I think I could work during those hours just fine. But then there's a field trip or school volunteer project or something else I would miss. I just can't seem to find the balance. I'd like to just be content to raise my family and go to work after the kids graduate but I know we can't survive on one income that long (or even now!). With college looming and the inability to do ANYTHING extra, I feel the push to earn an income even more now. The other day, the kids were suggesting things to do over spring break, and I had to say "no" to all of them because it's just not realistic. Hannah said "darn, big families" and I joked, "well, we could just take one or two of you on vacation!" I mean, really - how does a family of six go anywhere these days? Plane tickets alone would wipe us out. At the same time, I hate to not do anything until "someday when we can afford it" because that day will be when the kids are grown and gone. And I just want to enjoy them NOW, and make memories with them while they are still growing up. It's just around the corner and they will be gone, out on their own, and we won't have this opportunity anymore. So, it's sad. I don't know what's worth more - not working, scraping by, and spending more time with them, or working, missing time with them, and being able to do something big and extravagant once a year? I would choose spending time with them now, but I wish we had the means to make some of those memories in a bigger way.