As Told By Shade

What? I was bored. All I do is lay on this couch day in and day out. Ok, I could get up and move a little, but I'm like 13 which is.......well, I don't know........but OLD in dog years. I just wanna lay around all day. But I'm just so.......bored! So, I gnawed on the blanket a little. Ok, I chewed it. Just like the identical blanket I chewed the other day. Don't hate on me - they're yummy. Probably one of the other dog's butts was sitting in that spot and the aroma was just too delectable for me to resist. At any rate, I chewed it. I tried to lay in that spot for a really long time, but eventually I had to move to my night time sleeping spot and, crap! You found my bad. I tried to act all tough by growling and such when you yanked me by the collar to drag me out to the kennel, but the thing is? I kinda like the kennel. So.....sucka! Anyway.......tonight I could smell food in the kitchen. I love that time of night when you people go in there and start banging things around and dropping bits of food on the floor and such. I sneak in and out, grabbing whatever I can. But this night? This night I had a plan. I lay low (on the second blanket I chewed a hole in - did you notice? Oops you did! Now it matches the pillow I chewed yesterday! Cool!). I decided to bide my time by acting all old and tired-doggish, but I KNEW those cupcakes were on the counter. I knew they were frosted delectably with chocolate frosting. And I LOVE chocolate. Who cares if it's deadly? You drink alcohol and that's deadly! I saw you licking frosting off the beaters and your butt isn't exactly getting smaller. That could be deadly too. So, I like chocolate. Sue me. That skinny girl went into the office and I heard her typing away on her paper, and then, oh blessed day!, then you LEFT! You took your purse and keys and LEFT! ME! ALL! ALONE! Now was my chance! I knew I'd have to act fast, which isn't a problem because while I'm stealth and sneaky, I'm also lightning fast. You, yourself, gave me the moniker "crocodile jaws". I walked (no running!) into the kitchen, being careful not to make too many tip tap noises with my overly long nails (could you clip these things? They are really starting to irritate me and mess up my stealthiness). I spied them on the counter - how many? Ten? Twenty? One hundred? No matter, they were mini....all the better to swallow whole! Paper? What paper? I hardly tasted it. Besides, it's good fiber. I slurped them down, one at a time, not stopping to lick my lips or breathe. Someone could come at any minute! Slurp, lick, yum! Chocolately goodness! Oh, crap! What was that? Slurp, lick. Pause. Still. Wait........wait..........wait.........ok, nothin'. Slurp, lick, slurp, lick! DONE! In record time. Ohhhh, my tummy is FULL. Better go lay down on the couch again. On my velvety soft blanket with the one big hole in the middle. Oh, that barf I did this morning? That was the hole! Cool, huh? Erg, my tummy hurts. SHIT! Here she comes! That skinny girl! She's looking........she's confused........fridge, counter, cupboard.......and........wait for it..........wait for it.......SHADE!!!! OH MY GOD YOU STUPID DOG! BAD!! BAD!!! I HOPE YOU DIE! YOU STUPID DOG!!!.......grrrr...........grrrrr.........OUTSIDE! BAD DOG! Slink, slink......I do my quick hop-skip outside. I'm gonna be in so much trouble when that guy comes home. He gets REALLY MAD at me when I do stuff like this. Here he comes.....uh oh........OUCH, OUCH! Ugh, my tummy hurts. And they are leaving me out here a really long time. Woof. I hate being outside this long. Woof. Why won't they let me in. Woof. I don't think they can hear me. Woof. Maybe if I.......woof. woof. woof. OH! There we go! Inside, and..........shit. I'm gonna go to jail. Here I go........the cage opens and......clink! That's it. Behind bars. Damn. Ah well, it was worth it. Besides, I'll get them back tomorrow when I barf all over the carpet. Wait till they see all those wrappers! HA!