The True Meaning of Bra Size

Last night when I took off my bra, I just laughed. It was one of those numbers where the cups are so well-molded that they just stand up on their own. These are proud bras, bras that don't even need breasts to make them fulfilled (haha no pun intended). No, lately my bras are stand-alone jobs that don't even fold well and take up way too much real estate in my dresser drawers. I wore a bra the last couple of days that, well, didn't fit so well. You know how they are always advertising that something like 90% of all women are wearing the wrong size bra? I mean, really? That's a lotta stupid women. If your bra is cutting your boobs in two, thus making them a cozy foursome, or leaves a mark so deep in your skin, it's still there the next day, or you find you take a deep sucking in of breath upon releasing the girls, then YOUR BRA DOES NOT FIT! However, I think what "they" are talking about is the more subtle type of "doesn't fit". Such as that ever so slight "spillage" out the top or sides of the cup. What really burns me is when you put the bra on in the morning and it SEEMS to fit, but once you, say bend over to tie your shoes, you stand up to two smallish bulges protruding over the top of the once perfectly sized bra. I just don't think you can win with a bra. If you find one that's comfortable, it won't be supportive. If it's supportive, it won't be comfortable. If it's pretty, it will leave unsightly lines and ripples under your blouse. If it's ugly, chances are you'll get in an accident and some cute EMT will see it (and you'll probably have holes in your underwear too - didn't your mother teach you ANYTHING?). Recently I went bra shopping with my teenage daughter. Her boobs are growing at an "alarming rate" (her words, not mine). She insisted she now needed a D cup bra. Well, it's true, she did, but said teenage daughter has a willowy waist and is on the petite side, so those D cups are liable to make her top heavy and I worry about her taking a spill. At any rate, I realized that I, too, was wearing a D cup. She took one look at me and said "no way! You are SO a double D". Now, I ask you, why is the D the first one that's doubled? Kind of like after "extra large" you are resigned to 2X, 3X, and on and on with the damn X already! I KNOW X means "huge" you don't have to "times" it for me! So, I purchase a double D cup, which, ok, actually DOES fit better. But WOW. I remember shopping once with a friend and we found an E cup bra. We laughed and laughed and even took a picture of me holding it across my chest, cracking up the whole time at the sheer magnitute of this brassiere. And now? A DD is just one step down from an E. I mean, what comes after D? Well, after DD? Sigh. This bra contains cups that are approximately the size of an infant's head. In fact, if you had conjoined twins, a DD cup bra would make a nice tandem hat. You could just strap it under both their chins and be good to go. Seriously, if they made bras out of a non-porous material, mine would double quite nicely as large cereal bowls.

So, what does this mean? Big boobs run in my family. I know I'm doomed. I've been wearing a C cup or larger since my early teens. But several (ok 50) pounds over my "healthy" weight, and these DD's have become the bane of my existence. They get in the way when I do yoga. They reside somewhat comfortably in their enormous bra/shelf/hardware contraption during the day, but I admit I often undo that last clasp at night and shout "release the hounds!" My daughters all wear their bras to bed. Not me! I say the girls gotta breathe. But, I have what I call my "courtesy" bras that I wear to bed if we have company and there is a slight chance I might have to stroll out of my bedroom, wearing matching "company appropriate" pajamas and fix a casual "come as you are" brunch. (Those of you who know me well should be laughing right now, because I HATE making breakfast. I'd rather lay in my bed, boobs unleashed, reading a book and have my husband deliver me Starbucks than scramble eggs for anyone, including my offspring!). Many women like to "show a little cleavage" for a night out or in a special outfit. Sadly, I show a lot of cleavage every day, and not on purpose. So, if you spot me at a PTSA event and the Grand Canyon of cleavage happens to be "in your face" forgive me. This happens even in a modestly cut t-shirt. And it's not easy to contain double D's!