You know what sucks?

Vacuum cleaners. That's what sucks. And I'm not talking about the power to pull a belly button inside out when applied to an adorably chubby tummy. No, I'm talking about vacuum cleaners in general, and WHY is there not a good one out there?

Here's the thing. I have always used a Kenmore canister vacuum. Probably because my mom did. And maybe her mom before me. I don't know. It's a tradition. Anyway, my latest edition of the canister vac was starting to not suck so much. Which, of course, is a bad thing in a vacuum. That, plus there were a few spots with duct tape on them. I'm not sure why. I mean, growing up, our vacuum hose always had duct tape on it, so I guess I was just following tradition again. At some point, I obviously felt I needed to replace the vacuum. Because, in this house, with three dogs and four kids, daily vacuuming is an absolute necessity. Which is why we always have tumbleweeds of dog hair rolling around, because who's going to vacuum daily? HA!

So, I purchased a "Pet Lover's" vacuum. Great on pet hair, it said. Well, naturally anything would suck better than our current vacuum so for a few days I did think it was better. Never mind that it was an upright vacuum. I thought I'd break out of the mold and try something new. After a few days, the attachments were falling off the vacuum. Couldn't get them to stay put for anything. Plus, the thing weighed a couple of tons. I was dripping sweat pushing that behemoth around. Good workout, but not exactly the type I was looking for. So, I returned it (dog hair and all, sorry Fred Meyer!).

I purchased another vacuum. This one seemed a bit sturdier and was also a bagless, upright vacuum. I wasn't too worried about liking it because I didn't plan to use it. I put my children in charge of that chore. And they seemed to think it was fine. Except instead of picking up bits of debris off the hardwood floors, it was more likely to shoot them out at warp speed, striking the unsuspecting vacuum-er in the shins. And it was heavy. Heavier than the old vacuum. About the weight of a Volkswagon Beetle. And that bagless business? I'm here to tell you, it's GROSS.

So, today I decided to use the old canister vacuum to clean things up around here. Only as soon as I started running it, the aroma of dirty dog wafted into the air. This is a problem. I even purchased little "scent tabs" to go inside the bags, which disperse "spring fresh" scent all over the house as I vacuum. You can practically see the flowers and butterflies twirling from the vacuum as you run it. Not really. Because nothing is a match for "dirty dog". That stench out-stinks them all! So, I've been wondering how to solve the problem and today I thought I should vacuum the canister vac with the upright vac and just give it a good cleaning.

I did discover that the HEPA fliter in the canister vac had never been changed. Since I bought it. A few years ago. Oops. I changed one filter, I just didn't know there were two! Perhaps changing THAT bugger would help eliminate the dog smell? Of course, that necessitates a trip to Sears to purchase the filter, which I did not have time for today, so I decided to just use the upright, bagless, heavy, icky vacuum.

But first! First, I had to empty the dust canister. After about a half hour of looking all over and cursing the beast, I finally figured out how to dislodge the dust container. I took it to the garbage, armed with a plastic grocery bag, to shake loose the dust. What a JOKE! I felt like "Pig Pen" of Charlie Brown comic fame. I stood there, in a cloud of dust, coughing and waving my arms to no avail (who was going to rescue me in the closed garage?). I shook and shook and finally rammed a flattened paper towel tube - the only thing I could access with one arm out of the recycle bin while I was gasping for breath - into the dust container and had to pick and drag all the dog hair crap out of there. What a disgusting chore!

Then, when it was all finished, I realized that there was a micro-fine layer of dust all over the container parts, plus about a million tiny holes were clogged with dust. What to do? I attempted to wipe it off with a damp paper towel. Only there weren't any paper towels, because no one in this house except me has the amazing super powers required to change the roll. So, I grabbed the closest thing - a napkin - and attempted to wipe off the dust container. But it did no good. The thing was covered and no amount of wiping would dislodge the dust.

At this point, covered in dust with both vacuum cleaners out of commission, I decided it was a sign from God that I should never do housework again and I grabbed a sweet snack and headed up to my trusty old computer to blog about it. See? I feel better already. And that does not suck.