Things I don't understand............

Here, in no particular order, are things I do NOT understand:

1. Making your own marshmallows. WHAT? Who even cares? They're marshmallows. They're like....food accessories. They don't even need to taste better, so that's not a good excuse. Moreover, why would you make your own marshmallow peeps? Peeps are disgusting from the store - homemade is NOT going to improve them.

2. Getting your nails done. I'm talking those acrylic, unnatural-looking nails that you have to get "filled" and/or done in a theme. I don't even paint my nails. Ever. Not because I don't think it's pretty, but because I chip my nails seconds after I get a manicure. So, why bother? I don't live a pretty nails lifestyle. Acrylics last longer? Good to know, but I cannot add another maintenance routine to my life. My nail care routine is this: grow nails, be impressed at how long I let them grow, have an episode of anxiety, bite all nails off, repeat.

3. Desserts that involve fruit. Fruit is not dessert. Cobblers, crisps, pie, etc. All not dessert. The only acceptable version of this is apple pie and then it better have a lot of cinnamon and sugar involved. And, of course, the crust, which is what give it its redeeming quality. It especially pains me this time of year when all the holiday desserts come out and everything involves cranberries. Cranberries aren't even sweet! Chocolate is dessert. Donuts are dessert (not jelly-filled). Ice cream is dessert (not fruit ice cream). I wish I could understand people's love for fruity desserts but I cannot. I just....can't.

4. Wine. I hate wine. I wish I liked wine, but only because I feel like such a misfit for NOT liking wine. It's like I'm a social pariah because I hate wine. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and I do not enjoy it NEARLY as often as I should/need to. But give me a fruity mixed drink, a margarita, or even a beer before you ply me with wine. Furthermore, why are there "wine walks" but not "beer walks" or "Mai Tai walks"? Must society discriminate against those of us who would enjoy walking with our girlfriends at an artsy-fartsy event, but do not like the single beverage offered? It's discrimination in its most abhorrent form and I detest it. And maybe this is why I don't have a lot of girlfriends?

5. Frozen yogurt. I'm on the fence with yogurt as it is, and I commend whoever decided to freeze it, because we all know things are more excellent frozen - Swiss cake rolls, Hershey bars - but freezing yogurt sadly does not take away that signature sour yogurt taste and topping it with fruity or candy-coated toppings cannot mask the flavor. Plus, you have to pay by the pound. And they only give you ginormous cups so that you eat half your body weight in yogurt and think it's healthy. Give me a break! It's dessert (but it's really not - see above). My whole family loves this frozen treat and it makes me sad. And I feel cheated when we go to a frozen yogurt joint for dessert. Apparently, they frown upon filling the cup/vat with just chopped Reese's peanut butter cups.

6. Interior decorating. I mean, I often wish I could afford one, because my house has absolutely no theme and nothing goes with anything else. But I simply cannot understand paying $24 for a sisal ball that does nothing but sit, clustered in a giant pottery bowl, to create a table scape when I have a perfectly adorable blue plastic pig my son made in a mom-and-me crafts class at age three that I display on a shelf. The point is, with four kids, having an interior decorator-inspired home is both fruitless and leaves no room for all the weird stuff they bring home which I must display. Sure, it's more "thrift store" than "Pottery Barn" but I live with absolutely no fear of breaking the $144 porcelain elephant that serves no other purpose than to give my room an "Eastern" feel.

I'm sure I could go on forever. But that's enough to ponder for one night.