The latest news about the college cheating scandal is unbelievable. Many wealthy Americans are accused of paying out big bucks in order to arrange for their child's SAT or ACT scores to be altered, or to have them recruited as elite athletes when they are not, in order to attend some of the nation's best colleges. Many of the students are in the dark about this, and are only just now finding out that their parents shelled out upwards of $500,000 or more to ensure they got into their "choice" college. Now, those same parents are charged with wire and mail fraud and paying hefty sums to make bail so they don't spend any time in jail (yet).
Here's what they, and you, need to know. YOUR KID IS NOT THAT SPECIAL. Yes, I said that. Having four kids of my own, you might be shocked to hear that, or think perhaps I'm an indifferent mom. On the contrary, I have often felt the sun rose and the moon set on my precious child and I'm certain, as I'm sure most parents are, that there is nary a child in the world quite as wonderful as mine. I marveled at their every move, celebrated their accomplishments (even the seemingly minor ones) and beamed as they grew into adults.
Full disclosure, I also cried a lot, felt white-hot anger like no other, questioned my importance in their lives, felt exhaustion, both mental and physical, the likes of which I'd never experienced before, and considered renting my own apartment just to have a little peace in my life. Because, let's be honest, parenting is HARD.
But you know what is NOT hard? Being honest and teaching your child integrity. In fact, it's something we should all strive to be doing. So, what's happening?
Wealthy and poor alike, parenting has taken a turn. No longer can we allow our children to feel ANY sort of physical or emotional pain. Baby doesn't sleep as long as you'd like? Hire a sleep trainer. Toddler throwing tantrums? Hire a behavioral specialist. Preschooler feeling a little jealous of the new baby? Make sure you buy presents "from the baby" so he doesn't feel left out. Second grader sucks at baseball? No worries! Everyone gets a trophy!
And it's no longer "cool" to have your child play outside after school. They must be enrolled in all manner of extracurricular activities such that time spent at home and with family is reduced to a few frenetic hours (or even minutes) of each day, trying to "cram it all in". Playing soccer on the YMCA league isn't enough either. It must be "select" or "traveling" so parents can spend thousands of dollars a year buying plane tickets, hotel rooms and fancy uniforms and paying outrageous fees to play the exact same game that can be played on the park pitch.
So it's no wonder that in our competition-driven world, parents feel pressured to do everything they can to ensure success for their kids. We want to give them the world, but at what cost? And if we "assist" them at every turn, how and when will they learn to forge their own way? Are we holding them back by giving them our all?
It sickens me to think that wealthy parents spent so much money to ensure that their kids (one of whom expressed on social media that they really only wanted to go to college for the "experience" rather than the education) get into elite universities when people are, quite literally, dying for an education in other countries. Where education is a privilege elsewhere, Americans tend to view it as a rite of passage; a necessary evil on the way to soul-crushing success.
There is nothing wrong with working hard and earning things on your own merit. Say it again, louder, for the people in the back! There is no shame in earning your way into the college you are qualified for (yes, gasp, even community college). Not everyone needs to go away to college. Absolutely no one "needs" the "college experience". Believe it or not, your kid CAN work and go to college. And the world will not stop turning if they don't graduate exactly 4-6 years after their high school graduation (master's degree notwithstanding).
With the staggering cost of college and the crushing debt many young people deal with decades after graduation, many are questioning if college is even the answer anymore. It's such an expected outcome for high schoolers that there is little to no talk of alternatives. It's either college or a lifetime of low-paying jobs. But that is simply not the case. There are so many successful people at the top of their game who didn't even attend college. The difference is, in the absence of monetary support, many worked hard for their success. And no one wants to work hard anymore. Why bother when you're getting a trophy just for showing up, even if "showing up" means your online presence.
The sad reality is that the message these wealthy parents caught up in the college cheating scandal are sending to their kids is this: I will do anything to make you seem like the best and most elite, even if it means spending sickening amounts of money, or breaking the law. And the message the kids hear is: You are only valuable if you are the best. You must appear to achieve higher than others, even though we both know you suck at algebra and lacrosse. We're in this lie together, kiddo.
Please stop making your kid think they are the most special. Yes, shower them with attention and affection and even gifts if you can afford to. But do them a favor and don't put them on stage if they can't sing or dance or act. Don't force them to play sports if they'd rather write music. Don't ridicule the worker at McDonald's so they think it's a shameful job. Teach them grace and compassion and to be kind. Those traits will ensure success for a lifetime. There ARE still things money can't buy. Tell that to the cheaters.
