The latest news about the college cheating scandal is unbelievable. Many wealthy Americans are accused of paying out big bucks in order to arrange for their child's SAT or ACT scores to be altered, or to have them recruited as elite athletes when they are not, in order to attend some of the nation's best colleges. Many of the students are in the dark about this, and are only just now finding out that their parents shelled out upwards of $500,000 or more to ensure they got into their "choice" college. Now, those same parents are charged with wire and mail fraud and paying hefty sums to make bail so they don't spend any time in jail (yet).
Here's what they, and you, need to know. YOUR KID IS NOT THAT SPECIAL. Yes, I said that. Having four kids of my own, you might be shocked to hear that, or think perhaps I'm an indifferent mom. On the contrary, I have often felt the sun rose and the moon set on my precious child and I'm certain, as I'm sure most parents are, that there is nary a child in the world quite as wonderful as mine. I marveled at their every move, celebrated their accomplishments (even the seemingly minor ones) and beamed as they grew into adults.
Full disclosure, I also cried a lot, felt white-hot anger like no other, questioned my importance in their lives, felt exhaustion, both mental and physical, the likes of which I'd never experienced before, and considered renting my own apartment just to have a little peace in my life. Because, let's be honest, parenting is HARD.
But you know what is NOT hard? Being honest and teaching your child integrity. In fact, it's something we should all strive to be doing. So, what's happening?
Wealthy and poor alike, parenting has taken a turn. No longer can we allow our children to feel ANY sort of physical or emotional pain. Baby doesn't sleep as long as you'd like? Hire a sleep trainer. Toddler throwing tantrums? Hire a behavioral specialist. Preschooler feeling a little jealous of the new baby? Make sure you buy presents "from the baby" so he doesn't feel left out. Second grader sucks at baseball? No worries! Everyone gets a trophy!
And it's no longer "cool" to have your child play outside after school. They must be enrolled in all manner of extracurricular activities such that time spent at home and with family is reduced to a few frenetic hours (or even minutes) of each day, trying to "cram it all in". Playing soccer on the YMCA league isn't enough either. It must be "select" or "traveling" so parents can spend thousands of dollars a year buying plane tickets, hotel rooms and fancy uniforms and paying outrageous fees to play the exact same game that can be played on the park pitch.
So it's no wonder that in our competition-driven world, parents feel pressured to do everything they can to ensure success for their kids. We want to give them the world, but at what cost? And if we "assist" them at every turn, how and when will they learn to forge their own way? Are we holding them back by giving them our all?
It sickens me to think that wealthy parents spent so much money to ensure that their kids (one of whom expressed on social media that they really only wanted to go to college for the "experience" rather than the education) get into elite universities when people are, quite literally, dying for an education in other countries. Where education is a privilege elsewhere, Americans tend to view it as a rite of passage; a necessary evil on the way to soul-crushing success.
There is nothing wrong with working hard and earning things on your own merit. Say it again, louder, for the people in the back! There is no shame in earning your way into the college you are qualified for (yes, gasp, even community college). Not everyone needs to go away to college. Absolutely no one "needs" the "college experience". Believe it or not, your kid CAN work and go to college. And the world will not stop turning if they don't graduate exactly 4-6 years after their high school graduation (master's degree notwithstanding).
With the staggering cost of college and the crushing debt many young people deal with decades after graduation, many are questioning if college is even the answer anymore. It's such an expected outcome for high schoolers that there is little to no talk of alternatives. It's either college or a lifetime of low-paying jobs. But that is simply not the case. There are so many successful people at the top of their game who didn't even attend college. The difference is, in the absence of monetary support, many worked hard for their success. And no one wants to work hard anymore. Why bother when you're getting a trophy just for showing up, even if "showing up" means your online presence.
The sad reality is that the message these wealthy parents caught up in the college cheating scandal are sending to their kids is this: I will do anything to make you seem like the best and most elite, even if it means spending sickening amounts of money, or breaking the law. And the message the kids hear is: You are only valuable if you are the best. You must appear to achieve higher than others, even though we both know you suck at algebra and lacrosse. We're in this lie together, kiddo.
Please stop making your kid think they are the most special. Yes, shower them with attention and affection and even gifts if you can afford to. But do them a favor and don't put them on stage if they can't sing or dance or act. Don't force them to play sports if they'd rather write music. Don't ridicule the worker at McDonald's so they think it's a shameful job. Teach them grace and compassion and to be kind. Those traits will ensure success for a lifetime. There ARE still things money can't buy. Tell that to the cheaters.
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Friday, February 20, 2015
Midwinter break........
For some reason, our school district gives us a week off in February and calls it "mid-winter break." Some say it was created to disrupt the flu cycle, others debunk that theory. Whatever the reason, I'm not one to complain about a week off work, so I've thoroughly enjoyed my break that is quickly winding down.
While others were basking on a beach in California, I opened an esty shop here. I got a hankering to make some jewelry and I've kind of been on a roll. Most of what I've made has been supplied to me from my Buy Nothing group and I've purchased a few supplies as well. But I have not made a huge investment and I don't plan to unless I need to. As in, if anyone actually buys anything! I have sold one pair of earrings and one necklace off a Facebook page, so that's cool. Mostly I'm just having fun creating. I'm planning to add Jeff's leather bags (those take a bit longer to make!) and maybe some things the kids create. Either way, it's been fun and has occupied a good portion of my time off.
While others were eating shaved ice in Hawaii, I went on a hike. It wasn't a long hike, but it was fun and made me realize how much I love being outdoors. But not alone. Which is weird. But I don't like going for walks alone and I can't imagine taking a hike on my own. I think it's because one time a big dog charged at me while I was walking, and thank God I was with Jeff, who immediately stepped in front of me and charged at the dog, because if I were alone, I'd probably have cowered to the ground and been attacked. I hate mean dogs! And I'm just so BORED when I walk alone. So, as much as I'd love to be one of those people who wanders in the woods and contemplates life, I'm much more likely to be scurrying along a trail, worried about the psychos hiding in the bushes waiting to attack me with a machete. Yes, I watch too much "Criminal Minds" on TV.
While others screamed on roller coasters in Disneyland, I had coffee and breakfast with my best friends. And by that I mean we consumed some food but mostly we sat and talked for four hours each time. "Coffee" for us is a half-day event. We don't get to see each other often, so we make the most of it. We talk about kids and college and all the things that go along with our kids getting older and our houses being empty or near-empty nests and what we do with our time. We lament our lack of exercise and laugh at people wearing purple. Because purple seems to follow us everywhere we go these days.
While others took morning jogs along an Arizona desert highway, I logged less than 3,000 steps on my Fitbit most days. Ok, some days I only did 1,500. Basically I have moved very little. Even the hike didn't put me at the pinnacle achievement of 10,000 steps which I have only achieved once, ever, according to my fitness trackers. Take today, for example. I got up at an ungodly hour (ok, the same time I get up on a normal work day, which is oddly SO painful on a vacation day), took my son to get his braces removed, took him to breakfast and a little shopping, came home, sat in front of my computer, took a two-hour nap, sat in front of the computer some more, then sat and made jewelry for a few hours, then sat in front of my computer some more. Basically at this point, my butt should be the size of Africa. And while it's close, it's not quite there yet and I do feel badly for my lack of movement today but I also feel like I'm on vacation so what the hell? I deserve to relax, right?
While others took their kids on college visits, I watched my kids lay on the couch, leave teriyaki leftovers in styrofoam containers all over the family room, take an embarrassing number of selfies, let the dishes stack up until they fell over, and sleep on the floor because their beds were covered with laundry (ok, maybe that was just my son...). But, whatevs. I'm not worried about their futures. They will come regardless. And I have some pretty smart, talented, fun and funny kids. I know they will all do well in life, even if we can't afford multiple college visits or they take more than four years to finish college or they go to (gasp) community college. Because they're pretty awesome, this foursome I have. I love them!
And I meant to do so many more things - spring cleaning, workouts every day, writing....oh, the writing I was going to do! But instead life happened and I spent time surrounded by my family and I listened - to their conversations, to their interactions with their friends and significant others, to the sweet, precious sounds of their baby voices while watching home videos, to my daughter singing softly at age 6 in a school production that made me cry. And it was all good. And I was happy. And I am happy.
While others were basking on a beach in California, I opened an esty shop here. I got a hankering to make some jewelry and I've kind of been on a roll. Most of what I've made has been supplied to me from my Buy Nothing group and I've purchased a few supplies as well. But I have not made a huge investment and I don't plan to unless I need to. As in, if anyone actually buys anything! I have sold one pair of earrings and one necklace off a Facebook page, so that's cool. Mostly I'm just having fun creating. I'm planning to add Jeff's leather bags (those take a bit longer to make!) and maybe some things the kids create. Either way, it's been fun and has occupied a good portion of my time off.
While others were eating shaved ice in Hawaii, I went on a hike. It wasn't a long hike, but it was fun and made me realize how much I love being outdoors. But not alone. Which is weird. But I don't like going for walks alone and I can't imagine taking a hike on my own. I think it's because one time a big dog charged at me while I was walking, and thank God I was with Jeff, who immediately stepped in front of me and charged at the dog, because if I were alone, I'd probably have cowered to the ground and been attacked. I hate mean dogs! And I'm just so BORED when I walk alone. So, as much as I'd love to be one of those people who wanders in the woods and contemplates life, I'm much more likely to be scurrying along a trail, worried about the psychos hiding in the bushes waiting to attack me with a machete. Yes, I watch too much "Criminal Minds" on TV.
While others screamed on roller coasters in Disneyland, I had coffee and breakfast with my best friends. And by that I mean we consumed some food but mostly we sat and talked for four hours each time. "Coffee" for us is a half-day event. We don't get to see each other often, so we make the most of it. We talk about kids and college and all the things that go along with our kids getting older and our houses being empty or near-empty nests and what we do with our time. We lament our lack of exercise and laugh at people wearing purple. Because purple seems to follow us everywhere we go these days.
While others took morning jogs along an Arizona desert highway, I logged less than 3,000 steps on my Fitbit most days. Ok, some days I only did 1,500. Basically I have moved very little. Even the hike didn't put me at the pinnacle achievement of 10,000 steps which I have only achieved once, ever, according to my fitness trackers. Take today, for example. I got up at an ungodly hour (ok, the same time I get up on a normal work day, which is oddly SO painful on a vacation day), took my son to get his braces removed, took him to breakfast and a little shopping, came home, sat in front of my computer, took a two-hour nap, sat in front of the computer some more, then sat and made jewelry for a few hours, then sat in front of my computer some more. Basically at this point, my butt should be the size of Africa. And while it's close, it's not quite there yet and I do feel badly for my lack of movement today but I also feel like I'm on vacation so what the hell? I deserve to relax, right?
While others took their kids on college visits, I watched my kids lay on the couch, leave teriyaki leftovers in styrofoam containers all over the family room, take an embarrassing number of selfies, let the dishes stack up until they fell over, and sleep on the floor because their beds were covered with laundry (ok, maybe that was just my son...). But, whatevs. I'm not worried about their futures. They will come regardless. And I have some pretty smart, talented, fun and funny kids. I know they will all do well in life, even if we can't afford multiple college visits or they take more than four years to finish college or they go to (gasp) community college. Because they're pretty awesome, this foursome I have. I love them!
And I meant to do so many more things - spring cleaning, workouts every day, writing....oh, the writing I was going to do! But instead life happened and I spent time surrounded by my family and I listened - to their conversations, to their interactions with their friends and significant others, to the sweet, precious sounds of their baby voices while watching home videos, to my daughter singing softly at age 6 in a school production that made me cry. And it was all good. And I was happy. And I am happy.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
To the parents of.........
I have received several very official-looking letters from my daughter's university. I always open them, because, after all, they are addressed "To The Parents Of...." and I'm the parent so.....
Anyway. The first one I received, shortly after she was accepted, was very important-looking. But inside? It was a big ole advertisement warning parents that REGULAR SHEETS WILL NOT FIT ON OUR BEDS and that we must, immediately, purchase extra-long twin sheets from a specific company. Except that I'm not stupid and I know Target and just about every other store sell extra-long sheets in droves right around back-to-school time. Duh. Nice try, college!
The second ominous-looking letter I received was advertising insurance for my student. Except she already has insurance. So, yeah, thanks anyway.
Then, yesterday, I received another very official-looking letter. Inside was the most ridiculous thing I've received so far. This one really takes the cake. Here's what it says:
To: Parents of Students Scheduled to Take Exams
Subject: Send A Care Package To Help Your Student Through Finals (I love how it was all capitalized. For emphasis. LOL)
Two students showed up to get their Care Packages. One beamed when she received her package. The other, whose family had not reserved a package, immediately used her cell phone and called Mom with a plaintive "You didn't send me a Care Package?"
Because so many students receive Care Packages during exam time, in can hurt if a student is left out. This year, we have a solution to make sure every student feels supported at this critical time. (Sheesh, you'd think they were getting a limb amputated or something. It's a college exam for cryin' out loud!)
The enclosed free gift card is our way to help. Please send it even if you don't plan to reserve a Care Package. Of course, it will be more appreciated if it comes with food. Isn't everything?
A Care Package is tangible proof that the people students count on are thinking of them at exam time (I don't even know WHEN exams are. I already did college). It makes them feel supported, not alone. It's also fun.
Then, the letter goes on to explain the various Care Packages - The Wildcat Spirit, listed at "the favorite" likely because it's the most expensive, the Support Basket which features "fun snacks" such as granola bars, Wheat Thins and Pop Tarts, The Exam Survival Kit that offers "over 20 success snacks for a burst of energy such as Chips Ahoy cookies, Mike&Ike's, etc. (success snack = college lingo for "candy"), the Cup of Inspiration which serves up comforting hot beverages. All of these can be yours for the low, low price of $20-$55.
Please respond today. There are always parents who plan to send a package but get too busy until it's too late. The result: no package for their student. The horrors! How will my daughter ever get an A if I don't send her overpriced Pop Tarts in a basket?
We're proud that university students can count on backing by their parents. Yes, yes, they can. Not necessarily with food gift baskets, though.
P.S. Last year parents chose the Spirit Pack as the best way to support their students through the rigors of finals. Of course they did. It also happens to be the $55 package. And rigors? Rigors? One might suffer the rigors of war. Or poverty. But rigors of finals? Please.
After laughing (and saving the letter for this blog post) I had to wonder about these ridiculous mailings. Aren't they already getting my money for tuition and room and board? Certainly I do not need my daughter's institute of higher learning schooling me on where to buy extra-long sheets, that I might want medical insurance for my child, or that I need to send a care package full of "success snacks" in order for finals week to go smoothly.
Remember finals week? When you stayed up all night cramming because you failed to take proper notes all quarter? Maybe you had to pop a couple of No-Doz because it was the dinosaur ages and we didn't have Red Bull or 5 Hour Energy shots? And you dragged your ass into class the next day, eyes red-rimmed, unwashed, frumpy and rumpled and managed to scrawl a semi-acceptable answer on each question and still passed the class with a B- by the skin of your teeth? Rigors of finals, indeed.
Oh, and lest you think I'm so hard-hearted as to scoff at a care package, I'll point out that I've already sent a couple of them, and I'd certainly include something more exciting than Wheat Thins. Like a rubber chicken. Or crude bumper stickers. Or homemade cookies. Because I Care About My Student During Finals Week. Capitalized for emphasis.
Anyway. The first one I received, shortly after she was accepted, was very important-looking. But inside? It was a big ole advertisement warning parents that REGULAR SHEETS WILL NOT FIT ON OUR BEDS and that we must, immediately, purchase extra-long twin sheets from a specific company. Except that I'm not stupid and I know Target and just about every other store sell extra-long sheets in droves right around back-to-school time. Duh. Nice try, college!
The second ominous-looking letter I received was advertising insurance for my student. Except she already has insurance. So, yeah, thanks anyway.
Then, yesterday, I received another very official-looking letter. Inside was the most ridiculous thing I've received so far. This one really takes the cake. Here's what it says:
To: Parents of Students Scheduled to Take Exams
Subject: Send A Care Package To Help Your Student Through Finals (I love how it was all capitalized. For emphasis. LOL)
Two students showed up to get their Care Packages. One beamed when she received her package. The other, whose family had not reserved a package, immediately used her cell phone and called Mom with a plaintive "You didn't send me a Care Package?"
Because so many students receive Care Packages during exam time, in can hurt if a student is left out. This year, we have a solution to make sure every student feels supported at this critical time. (Sheesh, you'd think they were getting a limb amputated or something. It's a college exam for cryin' out loud!)
The enclosed free gift card is our way to help. Please send it even if you don't plan to reserve a Care Package. Of course, it will be more appreciated if it comes with food. Isn't everything?
A Care Package is tangible proof that the people students count on are thinking of them at exam time (I don't even know WHEN exams are. I already did college). It makes them feel supported, not alone. It's also fun.
Then, the letter goes on to explain the various Care Packages - The Wildcat Spirit, listed at "the favorite" likely because it's the most expensive, the Support Basket which features "fun snacks" such as granola bars, Wheat Thins and Pop Tarts, The Exam Survival Kit that offers "over 20 success snacks for a burst of energy such as Chips Ahoy cookies, Mike&Ike's, etc. (success snack = college lingo for "candy"), the Cup of Inspiration which serves up comforting hot beverages. All of these can be yours for the low, low price of $20-$55.
Please respond today. There are always parents who plan to send a package but get too busy until it's too late. The result: no package for their student. The horrors! How will my daughter ever get an A if I don't send her overpriced Pop Tarts in a basket?
We're proud that university students can count on backing by their parents. Yes, yes, they can. Not necessarily with food gift baskets, though.
P.S. Last year parents chose the Spirit Pack as the best way to support their students through the rigors of finals. Of course they did. It also happens to be the $55 package. And rigors? Rigors? One might suffer the rigors of war. Or poverty. But rigors of finals? Please.
After laughing (and saving the letter for this blog post) I had to wonder about these ridiculous mailings. Aren't they already getting my money for tuition and room and board? Certainly I do not need my daughter's institute of higher learning schooling me on where to buy extra-long sheets, that I might want medical insurance for my child, or that I need to send a care package full of "success snacks" in order for finals week to go smoothly.
Remember finals week? When you stayed up all night cramming because you failed to take proper notes all quarter? Maybe you had to pop a couple of No-Doz because it was the dinosaur ages and we didn't have Red Bull or 5 Hour Energy shots? And you dragged your ass into class the next day, eyes red-rimmed, unwashed, frumpy and rumpled and managed to scrawl a semi-acceptable answer on each question and still passed the class with a B- by the skin of your teeth? Rigors of finals, indeed.
Oh, and lest you think I'm so hard-hearted as to scoff at a care package, I'll point out that I've already sent a couple of them, and I'd certainly include something more exciting than Wheat Thins. Like a rubber chicken. Or crude bumper stickers. Or homemade cookies. Because I Care About My Student During Finals Week. Capitalized for emphasis.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Take daughter to college, get a free kitten!
So, it's over. Two utterly exhausting but really fun days getting Hayley settled into college. Hayley learned the joys of attempting to make a "loft" bed (struggling with a fitted sheet five feet off the ground is enough to drive a person crazy!), we found out how many things you can hang on a wall with just a pushpin, and we discovered that in the absence of a tape measure, one can use toilet paper (albeit a bit embarrassing to pull out at Fred Meyer when measuring shelves). All told, we got her settled into her dorm room in about three hours (give or take a few hours), met the roommates, met the roommates' parents, made a trip to Fred Meyer for all the stuff we forgot or needed, and finally settled down to a "free" lunch in the SURC. Of course, it wasn't "free", it's all rolled into that huge monstrosity called "the bill for college", but it was nice to not pull out the wallet for once.
We ventured into the student store and dropped $150 on sweatshirts and t-shirts for the whole family (Go Wildcats!), enjoyed another "free" barbeque dinner, and spent some time lounging around waiting for the evening presentation which included an address from the president and presentation from "The Dating Doctor", David Coleman. It was a VERY long day! After the evening event, we walked over to see the boyfriend's dorm, then made the long, long trek back to the car. Sad note: I lost my camera bag somewhere along the way, although my camera was around my neck, so THANK GOODNESS for that. I will have to replace a few things, but, hey, what's a couple hundred dollars compared to college tuition! HA! (not)
We left our eldest child to sleep in her dorm for the first time, and collapsed into our hotel bed where we slept in the next morning. Then, we met for a quiet lunch and headed back to drop her off at her residence hall. We said goodbye with little fanfare, a couple of pictures and........well, let's face it, my heart bursting with pride because I raised this amazing, adorable, incredible daughter who was making her way into the world with such confidence and ability. And just like that, the umbilical cord was severed. I did feel a gripping pain in my stomach as we drove away and a wave of emotion, so I guess it was symbolic. But mostly I felt happy and proud and like we were exactly where we should be after eighteen years together. I will miss her terribly, but I'm beyond excited for her to have this experience on her own.
And then I got a kitten.
Perhaps I should explain. I used to have two cats. They were lovely creatures, sometimes exasperating, but mostly enjoyable. We acquired them when my youngest was a baby, and my first worry was that they would smother him while he slept. They actually DID enjoy snuggling up to him, but he managed to keep breathing. And they were so tolerant of his toddlerhood when he would sprawl across them and fall asleep. They didn't scratch or bite when the kids carried them around by their necks. They purred and snuggled on my chest at night when I was laying in bed reading a book. But, sadly, when we moved to a new house, the cats started to venture outside and pretty soon they were missing for days at a time and, eventually, we didn't see them again. Coyotes, raccoons, who knows what got them, but they disappeared. And for a long time, we decided no more cats for us.
But then, you see, we have these three dogs. And dogs are just not cats. Not even close. Dogs are so messy, and loud, and smelly. Dogs lumber through the house and eat food off counters and tear open packages of snacks. Dogs are oafs and cats are dainty. So, after a while, we started thinking about how much we missed cats. Lovely, aloof creatures that can be left alone with just some food and water for a few days, as opposed to dogs who need to be let out every couple of hours and bark non-stop.
So, Hayley came up with the idea that she would get me a cat before she left for college so I wouldn't miss her as much (haha, as if a cat could help with that!). But Jeff gave a resounding "no" to that plan. He didn't want to clean up after it, feed it, or otherwise care for another four-legged creature (understandable, since the bulk of "dog duty" goes to him). I wasn't so sure about another cat. My previous cats were declawed (a practice apparently now banned), and my furniture remained intact. I worried about scratches, and box-training and whether the cat would be fun or nice - the exact opposite of a stray cat we once took in who ate the head off our 9-year-old goldfish (Hello? PAWS? We want to relinquish a cat!).
I arrived home this afternoon, weary and sleepy, and the first thing I was greeted with was two scheming girls showing me pictures of kittens on a cell phone and begging "PLEASE!". I told them if they could convince Jeff, they could have a kitten. And, somehow, he said yes. Or something along those lines. Or maybe they just told me he said yes and they told him I said yes and we've been duped. Either way, we decided to get the cat. So, we made a quick trip to the store for cat supplies and our "free" cat started out costing just under $100, and then we gave the family $20 for the kitty because they had already procured the first shots, flea treatment and de-worming. Free cats are so expensive!
Now, we have a kitten. And the empty space left by my child is now filled with a kitten. And you know, that tiny kitten doesn't even come CLOSE to filling a fraction of the space voided by my firstborn. And that kitty can't laugh with me, or come into my room late at night to say goodnight, or text me in the wee hours to let me know she's home. That kitten can't go shopping with me, or make cupcakes in my kitchen wearing a cute apron, or bring her boyfriend and friends over to fill my house with shenanigans. But maybe that kitty will cuddle on my chest, or purr in my arms, or just slink around the house in my shadow and keep me company. We named her Matilda. She's pretty cute. Not as cute as my college freshman. But still pretty cute.
We ventured into the student store and dropped $150 on sweatshirts and t-shirts for the whole family (Go Wildcats!), enjoyed another "free" barbeque dinner, and spent some time lounging around waiting for the evening presentation which included an address from the president and presentation from "The Dating Doctor", David Coleman. It was a VERY long day! After the evening event, we walked over to see the boyfriend's dorm, then made the long, long trek back to the car. Sad note: I lost my camera bag somewhere along the way, although my camera was around my neck, so THANK GOODNESS for that. I will have to replace a few things, but, hey, what's a couple hundred dollars compared to college tuition! HA! (not)
We left our eldest child to sleep in her dorm for the first time, and collapsed into our hotel bed where we slept in the next morning. Then, we met for a quiet lunch and headed back to drop her off at her residence hall. We said goodbye with little fanfare, a couple of pictures and........well, let's face it, my heart bursting with pride because I raised this amazing, adorable, incredible daughter who was making her way into the world with such confidence and ability. And just like that, the umbilical cord was severed. I did feel a gripping pain in my stomach as we drove away and a wave of emotion, so I guess it was symbolic. But mostly I felt happy and proud and like we were exactly where we should be after eighteen years together. I will miss her terribly, but I'm beyond excited for her to have this experience on her own.
And then I got a kitten.
Perhaps I should explain. I used to have two cats. They were lovely creatures, sometimes exasperating, but mostly enjoyable. We acquired them when my youngest was a baby, and my first worry was that they would smother him while he slept. They actually DID enjoy snuggling up to him, but he managed to keep breathing. And they were so tolerant of his toddlerhood when he would sprawl across them and fall asleep. They didn't scratch or bite when the kids carried them around by their necks. They purred and snuggled on my chest at night when I was laying in bed reading a book. But, sadly, when we moved to a new house, the cats started to venture outside and pretty soon they were missing for days at a time and, eventually, we didn't see them again. Coyotes, raccoons, who knows what got them, but they disappeared. And for a long time, we decided no more cats for us.
But then, you see, we have these three dogs. And dogs are just not cats. Not even close. Dogs are so messy, and loud, and smelly. Dogs lumber through the house and eat food off counters and tear open packages of snacks. Dogs are oafs and cats are dainty. So, after a while, we started thinking about how much we missed cats. Lovely, aloof creatures that can be left alone with just some food and water for a few days, as opposed to dogs who need to be let out every couple of hours and bark non-stop.
So, Hayley came up with the idea that she would get me a cat before she left for college so I wouldn't miss her as much (haha, as if a cat could help with that!). But Jeff gave a resounding "no" to that plan. He didn't want to clean up after it, feed it, or otherwise care for another four-legged creature (understandable, since the bulk of "dog duty" goes to him). I wasn't so sure about another cat. My previous cats were declawed (a practice apparently now banned), and my furniture remained intact. I worried about scratches, and box-training and whether the cat would be fun or nice - the exact opposite of a stray cat we once took in who ate the head off our 9-year-old goldfish (Hello? PAWS? We want to relinquish a cat!).
I arrived home this afternoon, weary and sleepy, and the first thing I was greeted with was two scheming girls showing me pictures of kittens on a cell phone and begging "PLEASE!". I told them if they could convince Jeff, they could have a kitten. And, somehow, he said yes. Or something along those lines. Or maybe they just told me he said yes and they told him I said yes and we've been duped. Either way, we decided to get the cat. So, we made a quick trip to the store for cat supplies and our "free" cat started out costing just under $100, and then we gave the family $20 for the kitty because they had already procured the first shots, flea treatment and de-worming. Free cats are so expensive!
Now, we have a kitten. And the empty space left by my child is now filled with a kitten. And you know, that tiny kitten doesn't even come CLOSE to filling a fraction of the space voided by my firstborn. And that kitty can't laugh with me, or come into my room late at night to say goodnight, or text me in the wee hours to let me know she's home. That kitten can't go shopping with me, or make cupcakes in my kitchen wearing a cute apron, or bring her boyfriend and friends over to fill my house with shenanigans. But maybe that kitty will cuddle on my chest, or purr in my arms, or just slink around the house in my shadow and keep me company. We named her Matilda. She's pretty cute. Not as cute as my college freshman. But still pretty cute.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Bad mommy goes to college..........
Actually, I'm not going to college. So, why do I have a headache after spending an hour or so filling out an online application form to pay for my oldest daughter's college education? I'm certain I should have done this a very long time ago, and perhaps then I would not be running into trouble whilst the site says to me "your name does not exactly match the name on your master promissory note". Which it DOES, indeed. Because, I KNOW MY NAME! And guess what? I went to college. Earned a degree and everything. So, I do not appreciate being dragged back into the red tape that is "paying for college" and getting a headache in the process.
A good mommy would have done all of this by now. A good mommy would know exactly how much their eldest child's education was going to cost, and have a large stockpile of money to cover that cost. But, alas, bad mommy strikes again and I do not have such funds, nor the brain capacity to comprehend everything that is "going to college" these days.
For one thing......I had a very different college experience than my daughter is going to have. I went to community college, then a university, and paid for most of it along the way, getting loans the last year. Actually, my parents got a loan on my behalf, and ten years after I graduated, I found out my dad was still paying $101.50 a month. TEN YEARS!!! I said, "Dad, really...." and took the payment book (haha how much does that date me? Remember payment books? And coupons you tore out once a month to send in with your payment). I paid off the loan in short order, because, by that time, I was an adult. And had children! For goodness sake.
But how else to pay for college? Unless you're lucky enough to have a trust fund or rich grandparents, or both, I don't know anyone who can afford to outright pay for college. So, we get loans. Or we try to, until the stupid computer system tells us we don't know our own name. Which we DO!
So, not only do I have NO clue how much college is going to cost (except we did get this one letter, which I just found tonight on my daughter's bedroom floor, that contained some numbers which I'm pretty sure are important), but I don't feel like I'm ready at ALL to send her off to college.
I'm not talking about "oh, she's so grown up" and "I'm going to miss her", although I most certainly will. I'm talking about the fact that I've bought her bedding but not books, towels but not tape, storage containers but not scissors. Every day I think of things she will need. Like bandaids and cough medicine. And a stapler. Important stuff!
School starts for the other kids in less than three weeks and I have not purchased so much as a ream of college-ruled paper. No supplies, no clothing, no new shoes. I guess it's my way of rebelling against the LAME summer we've had. It's just now getting nice out on a consistent basis and the kids are up the their eyeballs in camps until school starts. So much for all those beach and park trips I envisioned. So, I say screw school shopping. We have a couple of weeks left.
But this college thing.......it's not going away! At some point, they are going to REQUIRE me to pay them a large sum of money that I do not have. And so, I will have to quickly conjure up an alternative source. I gave it a gallant attempt tonight, but, honestly, it might be easier to sell one of my offspring, or pawn my old wedding ring to pay for the books, the tuition, the room and board. Holy COW is that stuff expensive! We're talking premium rent for a tiny, stuffy room and a few squares a day.
So, I continue on in my fog of uncertainty. I stare in confusion at those parents who have it all figured out. Those parents who spent a ton of money on SAT prep courses, college visits across several time zones, a $175 an hour college "consultant", those parents who actually went to the orientation. I meant to go, I really did, but we had a trip scheduled and I didn't find out about the conflict until it was too late. So, I missed out on what was apparently the meaning of life and the location of the holy grail by not attending the orientation. All I got was a logo bag filled with more paperwork that filled my brain with too much information.
But, boy, it's a good thing I got MY college degree! It made me so smart..............
A good mommy would have done all of this by now. A good mommy would know exactly how much their eldest child's education was going to cost, and have a large stockpile of money to cover that cost. But, alas, bad mommy strikes again and I do not have such funds, nor the brain capacity to comprehend everything that is "going to college" these days.
For one thing......I had a very different college experience than my daughter is going to have. I went to community college, then a university, and paid for most of it along the way, getting loans the last year. Actually, my parents got a loan on my behalf, and ten years after I graduated, I found out my dad was still paying $101.50 a month. TEN YEARS!!! I said, "Dad, really...." and took the payment book (haha how much does that date me? Remember payment books? And coupons you tore out once a month to send in with your payment). I paid off the loan in short order, because, by that time, I was an adult. And had children! For goodness sake.
But how else to pay for college? Unless you're lucky enough to have a trust fund or rich grandparents, or both, I don't know anyone who can afford to outright pay for college. So, we get loans. Or we try to, until the stupid computer system tells us we don't know our own name. Which we DO!
So, not only do I have NO clue how much college is going to cost (except we did get this one letter, which I just found tonight on my daughter's bedroom floor, that contained some numbers which I'm pretty sure are important), but I don't feel like I'm ready at ALL to send her off to college.
I'm not talking about "oh, she's so grown up" and "I'm going to miss her", although I most certainly will. I'm talking about the fact that I've bought her bedding but not books, towels but not tape, storage containers but not scissors. Every day I think of things she will need. Like bandaids and cough medicine. And a stapler. Important stuff!
School starts for the other kids in less than three weeks and I have not purchased so much as a ream of college-ruled paper. No supplies, no clothing, no new shoes. I guess it's my way of rebelling against the LAME summer we've had. It's just now getting nice out on a consistent basis and the kids are up the their eyeballs in camps until school starts. So much for all those beach and park trips I envisioned. So, I say screw school shopping. We have a couple of weeks left.
But this college thing.......it's not going away! At some point, they are going to REQUIRE me to pay them a large sum of money that I do not have. And so, I will have to quickly conjure up an alternative source. I gave it a gallant attempt tonight, but, honestly, it might be easier to sell one of my offspring, or pawn my old wedding ring to pay for the books, the tuition, the room and board. Holy COW is that stuff expensive! We're talking premium rent for a tiny, stuffy room and a few squares a day.
So, I continue on in my fog of uncertainty. I stare in confusion at those parents who have it all figured out. Those parents who spent a ton of money on SAT prep courses, college visits across several time zones, a $175 an hour college "consultant", those parents who actually went to the orientation. I meant to go, I really did, but we had a trip scheduled and I didn't find out about the conflict until it was too late. So, I missed out on what was apparently the meaning of life and the location of the holy grail by not attending the orientation. All I got was a logo bag filled with more paperwork that filled my brain with too much information.
But, boy, it's a good thing I got MY college degree! It made me so smart..............
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Things we pay too much for.........
Lately, I've been paying attention to things we pay too much for. And since it's spring and I have a senior in high school, one of the things I am thinking about is college. I am all for a college education - I think EVERYONE should have one, but hearing/reading about the process/essays/payments people have made to get into "the best" college or their "first choice" as opposed to "safety schools" (that term alone conjures up images of smug confidence) is really off-putting. And mostly because I believe the college process is one of the most stressful experiences a young adult can go through. It's hard enough just being a senior with all the "final" requirements to graduate, plus keeping up on grades, extracurricular activities, chores at home, social life, etc. But being required to apply to numerous schools, write lengthy essays, and attend intimidating interviews is a lot to ask of a young adult. I'm not knocking it - I think it's a wonderful experience and part of "real life" that will come shockingly close on the heels of graduation. But I wonder, at what price? Depending on where you live, a college education can be had at a bargain-basement price considering some of the fine community college programs out there. An in-state school can also save money. Perhaps one won't have a "prestigious" name embossed on their college degree but what does that really matter? I attended the University of Washington and I couldn't even tell you right now WHERE my certificate is. Or if it has a gold seal. Or any other fancy embellishment. I know I have it somewhere, but the truth is, it really doesn't matter much to me. I graduated from college. And I'm 43 years old and I'm pretty sure no one cares when or where I did that. My own high school senior applied to only one college - Central Washington University. Now, this bothered me for a long time. Why only that school? What if other schools offered her a better "financial package"? What if she, by merely not applying, eliminated her chances of getting into a "prestigious school"? And then I asked myself - why do I care? What do I really want for her? Certainly not a piece of paper, earned after four years of hard work and a cost so staggeringly high it pains me to think about. I want her to go to college, get an education, some "real world" experience and come out of it responsible and educated and mature enough to get a job and a life of her own. And, sure, have some fun while doing it. And meet new people, and join some groups, and do some volunteer work, and work hard at a job, and budget her own money. Basically, I want her to grow up and become a responsible adult and no college degree will guarantee that. I just wish more kids felt secure in knowing that their parents supported their decisions, whether it be Ivy League, community college or a trade. I see so much stress and strife amongst high school seniors and much of it comes from parents pushing their kids into making a decision that may not be the best for THEM. Of course, as a parent, you need to push. Push away! You started this adolescent's life by pushing and you won't stop pushing for a long, long time. But I would implore all parents of high school seniors to take a long, hard look at your child and ask them what THEY want. What's important to them? And then combine that with a little of your own pushing (because, after all, you are the more experienced one) and come up with a nice, middle of the road compromise that will leave you both feeling like you're getting what you want at a price you can afford.
Also on my mind is prom dresses. I've had plenty of years to think about this one, and I've just never understood how one could spend hundreds of dollars on a dress worn only once, for a few hours. Similar to a wedding dress. Even when I first was married, I had sticker shock at the idea of a wedding dress. I'll only wear it for several hours! ONCE! I immediately headed to the sale rack and after only a few "try ons", found a dress for $650 which still sent me over the edge (and my parents paid for it!). And guess what? I didn't wear it again, but I paid $100 to have it nicely dry-cleaned and preserved in a huge box that I don't have space for. Oh, and I got divorced. So, now I have this lovely dress that I doubt my daughters will want to wear, ever, and I have no idea what to do with it. So, I just keep it stored on a shelf. How silly is that? When I got married the second time, I bought a dress at Macy's for $200. It's beautiful, ivory, beaded and something I could easily wear again as an evening/cocktail dress. But have I? Will I? Probably not. So, when it comes to shopping for a prom dress, I have a hard time thinking about spending hundreds of dollars for a dress that will make my daughter look like a princess for a few hours. And yet.......I WANT her to have that princess dream! But I'm determined I can make it happen without the hefty price tag. Just log on to Craig's List and see the plethora of dresses "worn only once" for sale! Hundreds! Will I find just the perfect dress? Perhaps not, but I will try! And we'll go to fancy stores and try on fancy dresses. And somehow, it will happen. We'll find just the right dress at the right price, and we won't pay "too much".
Recently my high school senior spent what little money she has on a $48 zip up hoodie sweatshirt from American Apparel. Because all the cool kids have one. And I looked at these sweatshirts, and while they are cute and certainly functional, I am certain a similar version could have been had for about half the price. But she insisted it be from that particular store, and it was her money so........never mind she needs to put gas in her car and pay her car insurance. I'm guessing when she's in college, and working, a $48 sweatshirt will seem like the extravagance it is, and she'll be perfectly happy to outfit herself from Target and Old Navy, as I have been doing for her all her life. And sure, sometimes we pay a little more for something we'll wear "all the time" or is a good, basic piece that will last years. This hoodie could even qualify for that. So, it's not a crime to pay $48 for a hoodie, but in the greater scheme of things, I could think of a lot of other things to spend $48 on. Like groceries. And car insurance.
When my daughter was in 9th grade, her class had an opportunity to go on a trip to Europe. I would have loved for her to go, but it was around $5000 and I don't know about you, but we seem to be lacking in jars of change around here that amount to that much. We certainly don't have vacation savings set aside for such an excursion. So, the idea was immediately "out" but I was surprised by how many of her friends were able to go. I don't know their particular finances, but all I could think was that I was 40 years old and had never been to Europe, and my daughter had a lot of years and opportunities to make that happen, while for me, it might never happen. Or at least I had less time. So, while I felt bad for a while that I wasn't able to provide her with this experience, I also realized that she had plenty of time and chances to get to Europe and if she never made it, that would be ok too. She may not have seen the Eiffel Tower, but she's spent one memorable night in a TravelLodge that she'll never forget! Our "vacation" experiences may not rival those of a family able to hit up Disneyland every year or take cruises at whim, but they are no less chock-full of memories.
It's all about a balance between what you CAN afford, what you're willing to spend, how able you are to "splurge" and still recover, and the value of what you're putting your money into. Ask yourself what you value - is it the "name" or the experience? Is it the place or the memory? And maybe you'll find that you can still have great experiences and things for a smaller price tag. And a little left over for a "rainy day"!
Also on my mind is prom dresses. I've had plenty of years to think about this one, and I've just never understood how one could spend hundreds of dollars on a dress worn only once, for a few hours. Similar to a wedding dress. Even when I first was married, I had sticker shock at the idea of a wedding dress. I'll only wear it for several hours! ONCE! I immediately headed to the sale rack and after only a few "try ons", found a dress for $650 which still sent me over the edge (and my parents paid for it!). And guess what? I didn't wear it again, but I paid $100 to have it nicely dry-cleaned and preserved in a huge box that I don't have space for. Oh, and I got divorced. So, now I have this lovely dress that I doubt my daughters will want to wear, ever, and I have no idea what to do with it. So, I just keep it stored on a shelf. How silly is that? When I got married the second time, I bought a dress at Macy's for $200. It's beautiful, ivory, beaded and something I could easily wear again as an evening/cocktail dress. But have I? Will I? Probably not. So, when it comes to shopping for a prom dress, I have a hard time thinking about spending hundreds of dollars for a dress that will make my daughter look like a princess for a few hours. And yet.......I WANT her to have that princess dream! But I'm determined I can make it happen without the hefty price tag. Just log on to Craig's List and see the plethora of dresses "worn only once" for sale! Hundreds! Will I find just the perfect dress? Perhaps not, but I will try! And we'll go to fancy stores and try on fancy dresses. And somehow, it will happen. We'll find just the right dress at the right price, and we won't pay "too much".
Recently my high school senior spent what little money she has on a $48 zip up hoodie sweatshirt from American Apparel. Because all the cool kids have one. And I looked at these sweatshirts, and while they are cute and certainly functional, I am certain a similar version could have been had for about half the price. But she insisted it be from that particular store, and it was her money so........never mind she needs to put gas in her car and pay her car insurance. I'm guessing when she's in college, and working, a $48 sweatshirt will seem like the extravagance it is, and she'll be perfectly happy to outfit herself from Target and Old Navy, as I have been doing for her all her life. And sure, sometimes we pay a little more for something we'll wear "all the time" or is a good, basic piece that will last years. This hoodie could even qualify for that. So, it's not a crime to pay $48 for a hoodie, but in the greater scheme of things, I could think of a lot of other things to spend $48 on. Like groceries. And car insurance.
When my daughter was in 9th grade, her class had an opportunity to go on a trip to Europe. I would have loved for her to go, but it was around $5000 and I don't know about you, but we seem to be lacking in jars of change around here that amount to that much. We certainly don't have vacation savings set aside for such an excursion. So, the idea was immediately "out" but I was surprised by how many of her friends were able to go. I don't know their particular finances, but all I could think was that I was 40 years old and had never been to Europe, and my daughter had a lot of years and opportunities to make that happen, while for me, it might never happen. Or at least I had less time. So, while I felt bad for a while that I wasn't able to provide her with this experience, I also realized that she had plenty of time and chances to get to Europe and if she never made it, that would be ok too. She may not have seen the Eiffel Tower, but she's spent one memorable night in a TravelLodge that she'll never forget! Our "vacation" experiences may not rival those of a family able to hit up Disneyland every year or take cruises at whim, but they are no less chock-full of memories.
It's all about a balance between what you CAN afford, what you're willing to spend, how able you are to "splurge" and still recover, and the value of what you're putting your money into. Ask yourself what you value - is it the "name" or the experience? Is it the place or the memory? And maybe you'll find that you can still have great experiences and things for a smaller price tag. And a little left over for a "rainy day"!
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