Blog in a blog.........

My cousin, Alex, passed this link on to me today:

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/30/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever#.UafIQJlh7PE.facebook

I can SO relate to this mom. Although she has younger kids, I've been there and now, even with teenagers, I always feel the slow crawl to summer starting around April. I think the biggest part of this is that starting around April, all of the "end of the year" stuff starts happening. As in, teachers try to cram in the stuff they haven't covered (I know we're doing it in MY classroom!), there are year-end banquets for sports, recitals for dance, last games and concerts.......by the time June rolls around, we've been known to be busy almost every night of the week.

This year it's not too bad. No one is playing sports, or taking dance. We have a couple concerts coming up, but mostly the kids are just in actual physical pain from having to go to school for ten more days. They contort and twist their faces in despair each day and put desperate pleas on Facebook for summer to PLEASE GET HERE ALREADY!

Of course, after the first day, they'll be bored. It's the same story every year. Unless I'm jumping through hoops and acting like a circus ringmaster to entertain them, they can't seem to find anything to do. I love to read their yearbooks: "Let's hang this summer!" "We're gonna tear it up this summer!" "We HAVE to hang out this summer!" But they won't. They will sleep until noon, drape their bodies over the couch and floor and watch TV for hours while simultaneously playing monotonous games on their iPads and texting on their phones. Most days will pass without them even knowing if the sun was shining because they will stay inside all day.

I bust my ass to plan outings. I put every outdoor concert I can find on my calendar, only to attend maybe one (if I'm lucky) because no one wants to drag themselves out of the house at 6 p.m. because they haven't showered yet. I always wait too long to plan camping trips so that by the time summer rolls around, I'm scrambling for a good spot so we can go "camping" (otherwise known as two full days of work for 1.5 days of sleeping in the camper in a marginal spot at a state park).

But I am counting down the days as well. My kindergarten class is not immune to senioritis, it seems, and they are getting a little squirrely. Ok, a lot. Most days I feel like having extra recess - for the whole day! Yesterday the math lesson was so boring and not one child was listening. I watched the teacher keep trying to slog through it and finally said to her under my breath, "This is so boring, we really need to move on to something else!" Improvise, teachers! You're losing the kids anyway, at least try to keep them engaged. One little boy asked me today how many more days until he was in first grade. I wasn't sure if that was because he couldn't wait to be a first-grader or he couldn't wait to get the heck out of dodge.

I will NOT miss making lunches every day. Oh. My. God. I hate making lunches. For one thing, how can you be creative with lunch 180 days a year? I get so bored with what to pack for the kids and the whole process just gives me a rash. Next year they are making their own lunches. I'm done. I feel a tiny bit bad because the younger kids always have to grow up faster than the older ones, but I don't feel bad enough to change my mind on this. In fact, I don't really enjoy feeding people at all. Unless it's at a restaurant. Cooking has lost all its charm for me and just throwing together a dinner every night at this point is like fingernails on a chalkboard - so irritating! Why can't we just have cereal and call it good?

The best part is that I also get the summer off. Working at a school has its advantages. But that also means I have to spend my days with four teenagers, two of whom will be out of high school, and only one of whom drives. That means I can't just send them all off on an adventure because they are scattered in a million different directions which means at least half of them are home at any given time. I really miss being alone in my house. A LOT.

I have big plans, too. Just like every summer: I'm going to get caught up on scrapbooks and photo albums, I'm going to write a best-seller, I'm going to exercise every day and get in the best shape of my life. I might sign up for a class! Go on a lot of hikes! Get a fabulous tan! Psh. Before I know it, summer will be gone and none of those things will have come to fruition because I've spent my summer ferrying kids around, pushing them out the door to get some fresh air and planning big adventures that turn out to be duds because everyone is fighting.

But, good news! I know from past experience that there will be lazy days that end in a delicious BBQ on the deck, lots of nights around the fire pit consuming too many s'mores, watermelon galore, iced tea and lemonade and some crazy road trips. Mostly the mind-numbing slogging through each day will be over and we'll wake up every morning for ten weeks with the promise of a whole day ahead to do whatever we want.

Like the mom in the blog, I haven't checked backpacks, homework or anything pretty much all year. I trust that my kids will do what needs to be done so they don't flunk out of school. My daughter is graduating by the skin of her teeth, which makes me both happy and sad. I'll have successfully (?) raised half of my children to adulthood. One year I found a half-eaten sandwich covered in mold and a bag of carrot sticks swimming in goo in my kids' backpack in August. I hadn't bothered to go through it at the end of the year. I probably won't bother to go through them this year either. They rarely bring home "keepers" these days - artwork, cute projects and things worth saving. I do love their writing, but they rarely show it to me anymore. I'll tuck their awards and certificates away in their keepsakes.

But boy, do I have some chores for them! C'mon, summer!

Bad mommy goes to college..........

Actually, I'm not going to college. So, why do I have a headache after spending an hour or so filling out an online application form to pay for my oldest daughter's college education? I'm certain I should have done this a very long time ago, and perhaps then I would not be running into trouble whilst the site says to me "your name does not exactly match the name on your master promissory note". Which it DOES, indeed. Because, I KNOW MY NAME! And guess what? I went to college. Earned a degree and everything. So, I do not appreciate being dragged back into the red tape that is "paying for college" and getting a headache in the process.

A good mommy would have done all of this by now. A good mommy would know exactly how much their eldest child's education was going to cost, and have a large stockpile of money to cover that cost. But, alas, bad mommy strikes again and I do not have such funds, nor the brain capacity to comprehend everything that is "going to college" these days.

For one thing......I had a very different college experience than my daughter is going to have. I went to community college, then a university, and paid for most of it along the way, getting loans the last year. Actually, my parents got a loan on my behalf, and ten years after I graduated, I found out my dad was still paying $101.50 a month. TEN YEARS!!! I said, "Dad, really...." and took the payment book (haha how much does that date me? Remember payment books? And coupons you tore out once a month to send in with your payment). I paid off the loan in short order, because, by that time, I was an adult. And had children! For goodness sake.

But how else to pay for college? Unless you're lucky enough to have a trust fund or rich grandparents, or both, I don't know anyone who can afford to outright pay for college. So, we get loans. Or we try to, until the stupid computer system tells us we don't know our own name. Which we DO!

So, not only do I have NO clue how much college is going to cost (except we did get this one letter, which I just found tonight on my daughter's bedroom floor, that contained some numbers which I'm pretty sure are important), but I don't feel like I'm ready at ALL to send her off to college.

I'm not talking about "oh, she's so grown up" and "I'm going to miss her", although I most certainly will. I'm talking about the fact that I've bought her bedding but not books, towels but not tape, storage containers but not scissors. Every day I think of things she will need. Like bandaids and cough medicine. And a stapler. Important stuff!

School starts for the other kids in less than three weeks and I have not purchased so much as a ream of college-ruled paper. No supplies, no clothing, no new shoes. I guess it's my way of rebelling against the LAME summer we've had. It's just now getting nice out on a consistent basis and the kids are up the their eyeballs in camps until school starts. So much for all those beach and park trips I envisioned. So, I say screw school shopping. We have a couple of weeks left.

But this college thing.......it's not going away! At some point, they are going to REQUIRE me to pay them a large sum of money that I do not have. And so, I will have to quickly conjure up an alternative source. I gave it a gallant attempt tonight, but, honestly, it might be easier to sell one of my offspring, or pawn my old wedding ring to pay for the books, the tuition, the room and board. Holy COW is that stuff expensive! We're talking premium rent for a tiny, stuffy room and a few squares a day.

So, I continue on in my fog of uncertainty. I stare in confusion at those parents who have it all figured out. Those parents who spent a ton of money on SAT prep courses, college visits across several time zones, a $175 an hour college "consultant", those parents who actually went to the orientation. I meant to go, I really did, but we had a trip scheduled and I didn't find out about the conflict until it was too late. So, I missed out on what was apparently the meaning of life and the location of the holy grail by not attending the orientation. All I got was a logo bag filled with more paperwork that filled my brain with too much information.

But, boy, it's a good thing I got MY college degree! It made me so smart..............

Bad mommy!

In honor of Mother's day this weekend, I've decided to blog about all the bad mommy things I've done; basically it's going to be one big blog of mommy confessions.....things that won't win me any "mom of the year" awards but are true nonetheless.

I forget to pick up my kids. A lot. I mean, they are never actually forgotten FOREVER, but I'm late a lot. And sometimes it's because I completely forgot where they were and suddenly have that panicky realization that I've forgotten something important...oh yeah....to pick up my CHILD, and I rush to them in a state of panic, guilt and confusion, a little bit scared it's early-onset Alzheimer's. Oh, and? They never let me forget it.

I let my kids swear. I mean, I don't ENCOURAGE it, but I don't totally forbid it either. Sometimes, a swear word is just the best adjective. Being a writer, I appreciate the beauty of language. Even if it has four letters. And comes out of the mouths of teenagers. When Hayley turned 17 I told her she could say shit, damn, hell, and bitch. Don't judge me - I have standards! No F-word until you're an adult.

I don't actually get a lot of pleasure out of cooking a meal for my family every night, so sometimes I let my kids eat Top Ramen and call it a meal. I once served cereal for Christmas dinner. I was nine months pregnant, so you can just shut up about it now. I figure between the four of them they know how to make Top Ramen, macaroni and cheese, quesadillas, fried eggs, and cupcakes. That oughta cover it!

Sometimes I forget to go shopping and there's nothing for lunch. I scrape together what I can. Once that included a few scraps of cheese and some crackers and a baggie full of cold cereal. I might have thrown in a fruit. They loved it. They love anything for lunch. I could throw a cold hot dog in a paper bag and they'd eat it. Or not. I don't know and I don't really care. All I know is I throw food in a bag and if they don't eat it, that's their damn problem.

I once forced my kids to endure several hours of posing for Christmas pictures, getting increasingly annoyed at my one-year-old and later found out he had a high fever. Oops.

When my kids were toddlers, I often put them in the bath and LEFT THE ROOM to "get shit done". I figured the older ones would let me know if the little ones were drowning.

I let my kids play on the roof. I know. I hate it, too, but they LOVE it. I'm still conjuring up a good story for when I have to rush them to the ER. Or worse.

Sometimes (ok, most of the time) when one of my kids stays home alone when they're sick, I forget they're home. Seriously, I usually get the shit scared out of me when I hear them going to the bathroom. I'm all ready to go ninja on their asses and then I remember, oh yeah, that's my child!

I buy my kids clothes at thrift stores, wash them, and put them in their closets. They're none the wiser. Or are they?

When I'm late picking my kids up (refer to first infraction on this list), my kids often call me asking where I am. I tell them I'm "on my way" even if I'm sitting at Starbucks or still browsing at Target. My second favorite line is "I'm checking out right now".

When my kids suck at something, I usually tell them. I don't mean to crush their spirits but, really, should they, and I, be mortified if they're on stage singing in a screechy voice or can't shoot a basket? I figure I'm doing everyone a favor........

I don't closely monitor my kids' screen time. I started out with the best intentions, but it was just too hard to keep up with TV, computer and cell phone time. Now, I just expect them to self-regulate which to my second-born means five hours of You Tube in one sitting sometimes......

I buy junk food. There's healthy stuff, too, but I let my kids eat sugared cereal, make cupcakes or cookies whenever they want, and usually turn a half gallon or two of our weekly delivery of milk into chocolate milk which they can devour at one dinner.

I once drove my youngest and a friend around town letting them yell at people on a megaphone. We scared several people and made two kids jump off their bikes. Hey, it was funny!

I've let my kids sleep in a tent on the back porch and never checked on them during the night.

I've started more than one food fight at dinner. They weren't planned, I promise. But once the first crescent roll went flying, all bets were off.

I once left my two youngest on the shore at a slightly sketcy public park while I swam across the lake. I was training for a triathlon! When I got so far out in the water that they couldn't see me, they freaked out and called my ex-husband, who promptly reprimanded me for being a bad mommy. Next time, I'll remember to hide my cell phone!

I made a habit of strapping my kids into their car seats ten minutes before we had to leave so I could finish getting ready in peace.

So, there you have just a few of my bad mommy moments. Tell me some of yours! Don't be shy!

The Middle Place

I just finished reading "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan. It was a super quick read about a woman fighting breast cancer at the same time her father is fighting bladder cancer. I liked how it did not dwell so much on the details of the cancer as much as the relationship between father and daughter and being caught in "the middle place" between being someone's child and someone's mother. That being said, it did not so much live up to the hype that made me want to buy it in the first place. It was a nice story, though. However, my favorite part is this:

"The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer forever. Deliberately having four kids implies that you've got the three-kid-thing sussed out, like there are big check marks next to each name, and so what the hell, let's add another one. It's AP parenting."

Thank you, Kelly Corrigan, for understanding what it's like to have four kids (even though most of those things never hold true, and yes, you still have to work, and volunteer and bring an appetizer). But I have definitely forgotten birthdays, overlooked appointments (hey, just a couple of weeks ago I forgot to take Hayley to the orthodontist. I mean, it WAS Cinco de Mayo and I didn't remember until post-three-margaritas, but still.......). I have misplaced many forms. Hell, I even once forgot a KID! Arlie stood alone on a soccer field for half an hour before I remembered to pick her up from camp. Just today I awoke at 6:20 a.m. (and that was sleeping in, past my usual 5:45 alarm, AND after slinking in way past midnight last night after beers and pizza at The Rock with Tonya). I showered and dressed and made it to the jr. high to meet with Hannah's teachers and counselor about her grades. Back home, quick bite of breakfast, work from 9-2:30. Mad dash to the orthodontist with Hayley and Hannah. Phone call from Harrison at 3:30 wondering where I am. I don't normally leave him or Arlie home alone but today I had no choice. Back home for a half hour then off to gymnastics with Arlie, Harrison in tow. Quick trip to Coscto after dropping Arlie off. Back to pick her up, home around 7. Thank God for Jeff for delivering Hannah to her 6 p.m. camp counselor training and Hayley to her 6:30 art class (and picking them up at 9!). I had to cancel the 4 p.m. appt as there was no physical way I could be in three places at once. So, yeah, if I forget an appointment, or a meeting, or to pick up someone or something, forgive me! I have four kids.............