Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's just.....a lot.........

Today I was feeling a little frazzled right from the get-go since I woke up late, but thankfully, had showered the night before so my morning "getting ready" routine was a bit shortened. Still, despite my best intentions, I never seem to get my shit together and get out the door on time, or, gasp!, early! At any rate, I left earlier than normal and it took me nearly 40 minutes to get to work. It's, like, nine miles away. Not sure what was going on there. Work was fine - I mean, it's a very stressful and non-stop job. Working with special-needs kids is perpetual motion and a whirlwind of activity, sprinkled with mini-crises and I am SO grateful it's not a full-time job. It exhausts me, although it's rewarding. However, it is not without it's comic moments, and while most of them involve the kids, today it was all me. I stood at the laminating machine pushing things through, all proud of myself for getting a big job done, when I realized (after it was pointed out to me by the teacher) that the machine was not even on. All of my papers and cards were scattered all over the floor. It was one of those "fuck this!" moments - I was already late leaving for the day and so I just calmly picked it all up, sorted it out, and stacked it neatly on my desk for tomorrow. Sigh!

Nearly every day after work, I have to rush to pick up one of the kids and today was no exception. Because I rarely have time to eat my lunch during my work day, I was starving and ended up driving to pick up Hannah while eating peanut butter off a plastic knife. That's dangerous, right?

So, then there were some chauffeuring duties and finally home. I had a huge list of "to do's" but I ended up doing entirely different stuff. Like organizing the silverware drawers, working out, and whipping up an entirely strange dinner of meatballs and cheese and crackers.

I think the past couple of days have been weird - mostly because of the absence of Shade and all the questions that surround the "second guessing" one does after making the decision to put a dog down. I think we did the right thing for Shade, letting him go out with some dignity, but it was a very sad decision. And being there when he left this world was both sad and beautiful. It was a peaceful way to go, and I was glad to be there to help usher him into "doggie heaven." But, though Shade was a huge part of my days in the past six years, he was an even bigger part of Jeff's life for 16 years. A constant companion, a hunting partner, a pain in the ass, sometimes. But still, he had him longer than his own child. That's pretty huge. And it's not just something that you "get over" as quickly as you might think. That, combined with a ton of extra work at his job has created a big stress ball for Jeff these days. Which is a bummer right before Christmas. Still, he is such a good sport. I could only hope to be as patient and reasonable as he is.

There have been a lot of challenges in our lives recently. It's been a stressful year. And the holidays always sort of culminate in some extra stress simply because of all the "stuff" that goes on in relation - extra activities, performances, shopping, parties, prepping, wrapping....it's fun but it's also a lot. Just a lot.

Some days I just long for things to slow down. I miss the simpler days - I'm not sure when those were (haha) but I almost always feel like I run out of time to "get it all done" and there seems to never be a dull moment or a time when one of the kids or one of the adults isn't in crisis to some degree. Chaos reigns and we thrive on it, but simple is good, too. Simple is nice. Time to just be and enjoy. Especially during the holiday season. I am determined to get me some of that.

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