Only three more sleeps till Christmas! Who's excited? I AM!
But, also, not.
I truly do love the Christmas season, and I try really hard to have fun things to do and traditions that my kids will remember fondly. We do always have a good time. But Christmas is also really, really hard.
For one thing, there's all the prep work. I spend nearly every day after work shopping for at least a month prior to Christmas. Then, there's wrapping, shipping, baking, festive-making. It's a LOT of work. Mostly I enjoy it. But there's always that nagging anxiety over spending too much, making sure I put together an equitable and pleasing assortment of gifts for four kids (plus several relatives/friends/neighbors), and lamenting over the things I, inevitably, never get to.
Like baking homemade cookies. Didn't do it. Don't plan to. I did buy red and green m&m's to make holiday cookies for "something" but there was never a "something" to make them for, and when will I use them now? We already have a counter full of goodies from various friends and co-workers - we certainly don't need more. Last night, when putting out an assortment of candy sprinkles for the kids to decorate gingerbread cookies (purchased, pre-shaped and with frosting and candy decorations included for $4 at Michael's, thankyouverymuch), I realized I have far too many holiday-themed cupcake papers, picks and sprinkles.
I still have supplies for amazing craft ideas I had years ago, and never got around to doing. I always start out the season (early, even!) thinking I'll make some gifts but, in the end, I never have time. I barely got our Christmas card out this year, and I didn't include a letter, but I really don't care. I'm at least sane enough to give myself a break for the incredibly difficult year we've had, and let some things go. It's ok.
But what's hard for me is not having any family around. I love having a big family gathering, especially when there are little kids around, during the holidays. I miss my mom's cooking, and the generally noisy, chaotic, loud atmosphere of a family party. I love watching the little kids open their gifts - it's been years since mine were young enough to be filled with wonder and delight at what Santa brought them. A big, festive Christmas dinner just feels like work when there's no one to enjoy it but my own family. I know it shouldn't, but it does, and we've had a few Christmases where we didn't even have a fancy dinner.
Christmas morning is always fun - the unwrapping, the accumulating pile of gifts, the general delight in giving which has certainly become more of a "thing" for my kids now that they are older and able to choose and pay for their own gifts to each other. But then the day stretches long, and there are never any family parties to attend, or the squeezing in of several family celebrations - who's house are we going to this year? Just our own.
It doesn't help that our families all live a distance away and travel between our homes is difficult, if not impassable, in December. Or that my kids INSIST on being at our house on Christmas day - no exceptions. I'm definitely at a point in my life where I would welcome spending the holidays somewhere else, or even chucking tradition entirely and going to a warm and tropical locale to lay on the beach for a week in lieu of shopping for a month and unwrapping dozens of gifts. But the kids aren't. So, we don't. And that's ok with me. I want my kids to have their own happy memories of Christmas, even if they don't include the Christmas traditions of my childhood. This is their time, it's their Christmas.
Still, it's the hardest time of the year when it comes to family. It's what makes me think about living closer, or, as my niece said recently "that commune thing is starting to look really good!" Being together to celebrate life's milestones, or just another holiday season, is what it's really all about. Thinking about what we're missing is hard. My kids don't know the holidays with the family. And the truth is, neither do I. My childhood family rarely lived close to relatives, so we spent our holidays pretty much the same as my family does now - in a town far, far away from any other family, celebrating with our own traditions. So, why do I feel like we're missing out?
I think, for me, I always envisioned a big family celebration at the holidays. I remember thinking, when I only had two kids, that my family was not "big enough" to be fun at the holidays. How would it feel to have only four around the table? Then, I had a third child, and even then I felt our celebrations would be quite small. I didn't take into account, of course, the many future grandchildren I might have. But it's possible I won't have many. It's all a mystery. Then, I got a bonus child, and now I have four. Same as my childhood family - four kids, three girls and a boy - and I hope and pray that someday, that will grow into a crowd of noisy, boisterous, crazy, chaotic loud beings who are just happy to be together, sharing a meal and a day or two of festive fun.
But until then........I miss my family. What I wouldn't give to be able to just materialize at the front door, family in tow, to a big gathering, everyone in one place. What a merry, merry Christmas that would be! It's ok to be a little sad about the holidays. I still love Christmas, and I love the traditions my own family has made. So, I take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, knowing that things can't always be the way I wish they could be.
So, if you are lucky enough to spend Christmas with your relatives, know that there are blessings hidden in there somewhere, even if you sometimes find them exasperating. Hold your family close, because they are your anchor. And if you live far away, create a family with close friends. We're still working on that one. It's hard. And mostly be thankful for the family and friends you do have who help make the season bright. It's not an easy time for so many. I feel blessed to have my incredible, funny, silly family to spend my holidays with. I just have room in my heart for so many more.
Merry Christmas!
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
It's just.....a lot.........
Today I was feeling a little frazzled right from the get-go since I woke up late, but thankfully, had showered the night before so my morning "getting ready" routine was a bit shortened. Still, despite my best intentions, I never seem to get my shit together and get out the door on time, or, gasp!, early! At any rate, I left earlier than normal and it took me nearly 40 minutes to get to work. It's, like, nine miles away. Not sure what was going on there. Work was fine - I mean, it's a very stressful and non-stop job. Working with special-needs kids is perpetual motion and a whirlwind of activity, sprinkled with mini-crises and I am SO grateful it's not a full-time job. It exhausts me, although it's rewarding. However, it is not without it's comic moments, and while most of them involve the kids, today it was all me. I stood at the laminating machine pushing things through, all proud of myself for getting a big job done, when I realized (after it was pointed out to me by the teacher) that the machine was not even on. All of my papers and cards were scattered all over the floor. It was one of those "fuck this!" moments - I was already late leaving for the day and so I just calmly picked it all up, sorted it out, and stacked it neatly on my desk for tomorrow. Sigh!
Nearly every day after work, I have to rush to pick up one of the kids and today was no exception. Because I rarely have time to eat my lunch during my work day, I was starving and ended up driving to pick up Hannah while eating peanut butter off a plastic knife. That's dangerous, right?
So, then there were some chauffeuring duties and finally home. I had a huge list of "to do's" but I ended up doing entirely different stuff. Like organizing the silverware drawers, working out, and whipping up an entirely strange dinner of meatballs and cheese and crackers.
I think the past couple of days have been weird - mostly because of the absence of Shade and all the questions that surround the "second guessing" one does after making the decision to put a dog down. I think we did the right thing for Shade, letting him go out with some dignity, but it was a very sad decision. And being there when he left this world was both sad and beautiful. It was a peaceful way to go, and I was glad to be there to help usher him into "doggie heaven." But, though Shade was a huge part of my days in the past six years, he was an even bigger part of Jeff's life for 16 years. A constant companion, a hunting partner, a pain in the ass, sometimes. But still, he had him longer than his own child. That's pretty huge. And it's not just something that you "get over" as quickly as you might think. That, combined with a ton of extra work at his job has created a big stress ball for Jeff these days. Which is a bummer right before Christmas. Still, he is such a good sport. I could only hope to be as patient and reasonable as he is.
There have been a lot of challenges in our lives recently. It's been a stressful year. And the holidays always sort of culminate in some extra stress simply because of all the "stuff" that goes on in relation - extra activities, performances, shopping, parties, prepping, wrapping....it's fun but it's also a lot. Just a lot.
Some days I just long for things to slow down. I miss the simpler days - I'm not sure when those were (haha) but I almost always feel like I run out of time to "get it all done" and there seems to never be a dull moment or a time when one of the kids or one of the adults isn't in crisis to some degree. Chaos reigns and we thrive on it, but simple is good, too. Simple is nice. Time to just be and enjoy. Especially during the holiday season. I am determined to get me some of that.
Nearly every day after work, I have to rush to pick up one of the kids and today was no exception. Because I rarely have time to eat my lunch during my work day, I was starving and ended up driving to pick up Hannah while eating peanut butter off a plastic knife. That's dangerous, right?
So, then there were some chauffeuring duties and finally home. I had a huge list of "to do's" but I ended up doing entirely different stuff. Like organizing the silverware drawers, working out, and whipping up an entirely strange dinner of meatballs and cheese and crackers.
I think the past couple of days have been weird - mostly because of the absence of Shade and all the questions that surround the "second guessing" one does after making the decision to put a dog down. I think we did the right thing for Shade, letting him go out with some dignity, but it was a very sad decision. And being there when he left this world was both sad and beautiful. It was a peaceful way to go, and I was glad to be there to help usher him into "doggie heaven." But, though Shade was a huge part of my days in the past six years, he was an even bigger part of Jeff's life for 16 years. A constant companion, a hunting partner, a pain in the ass, sometimes. But still, he had him longer than his own child. That's pretty huge. And it's not just something that you "get over" as quickly as you might think. That, combined with a ton of extra work at his job has created a big stress ball for Jeff these days. Which is a bummer right before Christmas. Still, he is such a good sport. I could only hope to be as patient and reasonable as he is.
There have been a lot of challenges in our lives recently. It's been a stressful year. And the holidays always sort of culminate in some extra stress simply because of all the "stuff" that goes on in relation - extra activities, performances, shopping, parties, prepping, wrapping....it's fun but it's also a lot. Just a lot.
Some days I just long for things to slow down. I miss the simpler days - I'm not sure when those were (haha) but I almost always feel like I run out of time to "get it all done" and there seems to never be a dull moment or a time when one of the kids or one of the adults isn't in crisis to some degree. Chaos reigns and we thrive on it, but simple is good, too. Simple is nice. Time to just be and enjoy. Especially during the holiday season. I am determined to get me some of that.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Scrooge Alert!
Normally I love the holidays. I'm not sure why I "love" them, except that when my kids were little it was SO much fun to bring the magic of Christmas and presents and cookie baking and crafts and toys to their little worlds. As they get older, there's not as much magic. There's too much busy-ness, not enough time, cookies are generally baked from some prepackaged dough ON Christmas eve because there's nothing to leave out for Santa, no one is interested in crafts anymore (and who has time?) and it really does seem to be all about the gimmes.
Sure, the kids "love" Christmas. But I'm not sure exactly what they "love" about it. Is it the gifts? The anticipation of the gifts? Watching Christmas movies? Decorating the house? This year I was sick right after Thanksgiving which is when we traditionally decorate the house. I was in bed for five days and actually felt disdain from my kids for not putting up the tree. In the end, Jeff bought a new tree, and two of the four kids have still not put their decorations on it. Arlie ended up doing most of the decorating herself. When I was finally able to hobble from my deathbed to check the progress I was horrified to see the kids had put decorations out on dusty shelves and filthy floors that had not been vacuumed. I was too sick to care and it was days before I felt like things were sort of "done" being decorated.
Tonight I came home from being gone literally ALL day, working, running errands, mailing Christmas cards and packages, and driving Arlie to dance to find the kitchen a total disaster. Hayley had made cupcakes with her friends and neglected to clean up the mess. She just left it all over the place and went out to party with some more friends. Cupcake batter in the bowl tossed in the sink, un-rinsed, on top of a pile of other dishes. Both sides of the sink FULL of dirty dishes. Dinner food left out (no one ever bothers to put the food away after dinner - it's either Jeff or me - never anyone else). Counters are covered in sticky stuff, kitchen table covered with crap including a plate from LAST night's dinner that I reminded Hannah to pick up. But she ignored me. They all do. I post chore lists, I remind, I ask, I nag, I scream, I yell, I ignore. Nothing changes. No one does anything. If they do anything at all, they do it half-assed and never with any intention of doing their best.
Many times I've watched a piece of trash get kicked around the kitchen floor for days. It will migrate up the hallway, ending up in a totally different place, because NO ONE will pick it up. EVER. I've purposely not picked things up, just to see how long it will sit there and get kicked around. And the record is.....two weeks. And then I couldn't stand it anymore and picked it up myself.
Today my son ran out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom. He was within calling distance of anyone who was downstairs and could hear him, never mind he's glued to his cell phone at all times, so he could have easily remedied the situation with a text. Instead he used a roll of paper towels that was sitting in the bathroom (likely still there from the last time someone cleaned up dog pee, which seems to be a daily occurrence around her because ....guess what? No one lets the dogs out!). Any dummy knows you don't flush paper towels down the toilet, but he did. And then he threw the rest of the roll in the garbage! Jeff found it and wondered what jackwagon would throw away perfectly good paper towels? Harrison's explanation was that because he used them for toileting purposes he didn't want to touch them again because they were "germy". WHAT THE EFFFF???? He cares about germs? Then, why does he never change his sheets, or leave piles of dirty laundry stacked up in his room for months, or think tossing a paper towel over a saturated carpet of dog pee is adequate to sanitize the spot? These are the things that make me want to poke my own eyes out with a fork.
And what have I been doing every single day for the past two weeks? Shopping for Christmas presents. Agonizing over whether I have "enough" for each kid, worrying that I don't have the perfect gift for their "big" present, buying extra presents for them to unwrap along with their advent house openings because candy doesn't seem adequate enough. So far they've opened two movies, a Wii game, a coloring book and a CD of Christmas songs. Why? Why do I think they need more. More. More.
They don't even take care of what they have now. Their rooms are piled with dirty laundry and "stuff". They have so many clothes, they can go without doing a load of laundry for weeks before they run out of things to wear. The girls have jewelry they never wear. There are games that are never played, iPods that can't be found because someone was too irresponsible to take care of it, and more than once, I've found Christmas gifts on the floor of their closets months later with the tags still on them. They want for NOTHING.
And yet, every year I buy them a treasure trove of gifts. I try to stick to a budget, but with the expensive electronics that top their lists, it's hard to get more than one thing within the budget I can afford. I try to keep up the magic of a tree overflowing with packages that seems to double in size on Christmas morning. I spend, quite literally, DAYS buying and wrapping gifts only to have them opened in a half hour of frenzied paper ripping, then put into haphazard piles while they go on with their day. I have to nag them to take their piles up to their rooms. And they sit there. Forever. They pull things off the pile bit by bit - clothes they want to wear, body wash they want to use, but most of it gets buried under dirty clothes and forgotten. One year, after spending several weekends cleaning their rooms, I found a whole shoe box full of beauty products, jewelry and makeup that had never been opened. I put it all in my "gift" box for birthdays and such and doled it out over the next few years whenever the kids needed a gift for a birthday party they were attending. They didn't even remember it had once been theirs.
And now. It's December 14 and I cannot remember what all I've bought. I thought I was "done" shopping days ago, but I keep remembering something or someone else I need a gift for. I could not tell you everything I've purchased for each kid. I have no clue how much I've spent. I started out keeping track of everything down to the penny. And then things got crazy and I got sick and I simply ran out of time to keep it up.
I mailed packages to my family minus the home-baked treats I wanted to include. The only Christmas baking I've done is to bake up some of those preformed and stamped Christmas tree cookies from Pillsbury. I have big plans to make homemade Bailey's and treats for the neighbors but I have no idea when I'll have time to do that.
One thing that normally gets me in the spirit of the season is holiday gatherings and attending the kids' holiday concerts and performances. I missed Arlie's band concert and both of Hannah's choir concerts (one because I was sick, the others because Hannah was sick). I missed the one holiday party we were invited to. I'm missing my work holiday party because I've already committed to something else the same night. I also enjoy receiving and reading Christmas cards. I've received exactly four cards this year. I'm guessing either everyone is as behind as I am or people just aren't sending cards this year. Maybe I should take a cue from them. I spent twice as much on our holiday card this year because I went with a different printer and I wrote our Christmas letter in about ten minutes and it wasn't funny or clever or witty as I hoped it would be.
I have a whole list of holiday activities I want to do but no idea when we'll fit them in before everyone goes to their other parents' homes for the remainder of the holiday. We only get the first week of vacation with them, and really not even the first whole week as my kids go to their dad's on the 23rd and don't come home until late on the 24th. I get cheated out of a whole day of "my" week which makes our family time together even shorter. We always run out of time to do all the fun things I've planned and then they're gone. It's so much stress and not enough fun. Every year I say I'm going to do something different......cut back, do something meaningful, spend more quality time, not get caught up in the craziness. And every year nothing changes. I feel like throwing in the towel. It's not like we have a big, extended family celebration. We rarely have visitors at Christmas time. We could do anything we want and no one would care. We could "skip Christmas" and go on a vacation. We could spend more time doing things together and less time shopping and spending money we don't have. But we don't. And I'm not sure why. Nothing changes because I don't change it. I'm the keeper of the traditions and if I change things, I, alone, will bear the wrath. I feel stuck and I don't know how to change things. But things....they need changin'.
Sure, the kids "love" Christmas. But I'm not sure exactly what they "love" about it. Is it the gifts? The anticipation of the gifts? Watching Christmas movies? Decorating the house? This year I was sick right after Thanksgiving which is when we traditionally decorate the house. I was in bed for five days and actually felt disdain from my kids for not putting up the tree. In the end, Jeff bought a new tree, and two of the four kids have still not put their decorations on it. Arlie ended up doing most of the decorating herself. When I was finally able to hobble from my deathbed to check the progress I was horrified to see the kids had put decorations out on dusty shelves and filthy floors that had not been vacuumed. I was too sick to care and it was days before I felt like things were sort of "done" being decorated.
Tonight I came home from being gone literally ALL day, working, running errands, mailing Christmas cards and packages, and driving Arlie to dance to find the kitchen a total disaster. Hayley had made cupcakes with her friends and neglected to clean up the mess. She just left it all over the place and went out to party with some more friends. Cupcake batter in the bowl tossed in the sink, un-rinsed, on top of a pile of other dishes. Both sides of the sink FULL of dirty dishes. Dinner food left out (no one ever bothers to put the food away after dinner - it's either Jeff or me - never anyone else). Counters are covered in sticky stuff, kitchen table covered with crap including a plate from LAST night's dinner that I reminded Hannah to pick up. But she ignored me. They all do. I post chore lists, I remind, I ask, I nag, I scream, I yell, I ignore. Nothing changes. No one does anything. If they do anything at all, they do it half-assed and never with any intention of doing their best.
Many times I've watched a piece of trash get kicked around the kitchen floor for days. It will migrate up the hallway, ending up in a totally different place, because NO ONE will pick it up. EVER. I've purposely not picked things up, just to see how long it will sit there and get kicked around. And the record is.....two weeks. And then I couldn't stand it anymore and picked it up myself.
Today my son ran out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom. He was within calling distance of anyone who was downstairs and could hear him, never mind he's glued to his cell phone at all times, so he could have easily remedied the situation with a text. Instead he used a roll of paper towels that was sitting in the bathroom (likely still there from the last time someone cleaned up dog pee, which seems to be a daily occurrence around her because ....guess what? No one lets the dogs out!). Any dummy knows you don't flush paper towels down the toilet, but he did. And then he threw the rest of the roll in the garbage! Jeff found it and wondered what jackwagon would throw away perfectly good paper towels? Harrison's explanation was that because he used them for toileting purposes he didn't want to touch them again because they were "germy". WHAT THE EFFFF???? He cares about germs? Then, why does he never change his sheets, or leave piles of dirty laundry stacked up in his room for months, or think tossing a paper towel over a saturated carpet of dog pee is adequate to sanitize the spot? These are the things that make me want to poke my own eyes out with a fork.
And what have I been doing every single day for the past two weeks? Shopping for Christmas presents. Agonizing over whether I have "enough" for each kid, worrying that I don't have the perfect gift for their "big" present, buying extra presents for them to unwrap along with their advent house openings because candy doesn't seem adequate enough. So far they've opened two movies, a Wii game, a coloring book and a CD of Christmas songs. Why? Why do I think they need more. More. More.
They don't even take care of what they have now. Their rooms are piled with dirty laundry and "stuff". They have so many clothes, they can go without doing a load of laundry for weeks before they run out of things to wear. The girls have jewelry they never wear. There are games that are never played, iPods that can't be found because someone was too irresponsible to take care of it, and more than once, I've found Christmas gifts on the floor of their closets months later with the tags still on them. They want for NOTHING.
And yet, every year I buy them a treasure trove of gifts. I try to stick to a budget, but with the expensive electronics that top their lists, it's hard to get more than one thing within the budget I can afford. I try to keep up the magic of a tree overflowing with packages that seems to double in size on Christmas morning. I spend, quite literally, DAYS buying and wrapping gifts only to have them opened in a half hour of frenzied paper ripping, then put into haphazard piles while they go on with their day. I have to nag them to take their piles up to their rooms. And they sit there. Forever. They pull things off the pile bit by bit - clothes they want to wear, body wash they want to use, but most of it gets buried under dirty clothes and forgotten. One year, after spending several weekends cleaning their rooms, I found a whole shoe box full of beauty products, jewelry and makeup that had never been opened. I put it all in my "gift" box for birthdays and such and doled it out over the next few years whenever the kids needed a gift for a birthday party they were attending. They didn't even remember it had once been theirs.
And now. It's December 14 and I cannot remember what all I've bought. I thought I was "done" shopping days ago, but I keep remembering something or someone else I need a gift for. I could not tell you everything I've purchased for each kid. I have no clue how much I've spent. I started out keeping track of everything down to the penny. And then things got crazy and I got sick and I simply ran out of time to keep it up.
I mailed packages to my family minus the home-baked treats I wanted to include. The only Christmas baking I've done is to bake up some of those preformed and stamped Christmas tree cookies from Pillsbury. I have big plans to make homemade Bailey's and treats for the neighbors but I have no idea when I'll have time to do that.
One thing that normally gets me in the spirit of the season is holiday gatherings and attending the kids' holiday concerts and performances. I missed Arlie's band concert and both of Hannah's choir concerts (one because I was sick, the others because Hannah was sick). I missed the one holiday party we were invited to. I'm missing my work holiday party because I've already committed to something else the same night. I also enjoy receiving and reading Christmas cards. I've received exactly four cards this year. I'm guessing either everyone is as behind as I am or people just aren't sending cards this year. Maybe I should take a cue from them. I spent twice as much on our holiday card this year because I went with a different printer and I wrote our Christmas letter in about ten minutes and it wasn't funny or clever or witty as I hoped it would be.
I have a whole list of holiday activities I want to do but no idea when we'll fit them in before everyone goes to their other parents' homes for the remainder of the holiday. We only get the first week of vacation with them, and really not even the first whole week as my kids go to their dad's on the 23rd and don't come home until late on the 24th. I get cheated out of a whole day of "my" week which makes our family time together even shorter. We always run out of time to do all the fun things I've planned and then they're gone. It's so much stress and not enough fun. Every year I say I'm going to do something different......cut back, do something meaningful, spend more quality time, not get caught up in the craziness. And every year nothing changes. I feel like throwing in the towel. It's not like we have a big, extended family celebration. We rarely have visitors at Christmas time. We could do anything we want and no one would care. We could "skip Christmas" and go on a vacation. We could spend more time doing things together and less time shopping and spending money we don't have. But we don't. And I'm not sure why. Nothing changes because I don't change it. I'm the keeper of the traditions and if I change things, I, alone, will bear the wrath. I feel stuck and I don't know how to change things. But things....they need changin'.
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