It's just.....a lot.........

Today I was feeling a little frazzled right from the get-go since I woke up late, but thankfully, had showered the night before so my morning "getting ready" routine was a bit shortened. Still, despite my best intentions, I never seem to get my shit together and get out the door on time, or, gasp!, early! At any rate, I left earlier than normal and it took me nearly 40 minutes to get to work. It's, like, nine miles away. Not sure what was going on there. Work was fine - I mean, it's a very stressful and non-stop job. Working with special-needs kids is perpetual motion and a whirlwind of activity, sprinkled with mini-crises and I am SO grateful it's not a full-time job. It exhausts me, although it's rewarding. However, it is not without it's comic moments, and while most of them involve the kids, today it was all me. I stood at the laminating machine pushing things through, all proud of myself for getting a big job done, when I realized (after it was pointed out to me by the teacher) that the machine was not even on. All of my papers and cards were scattered all over the floor. It was one of those "fuck this!" moments - I was already late leaving for the day and so I just calmly picked it all up, sorted it out, and stacked it neatly on my desk for tomorrow. Sigh!

Nearly every day after work, I have to rush to pick up one of the kids and today was no exception. Because I rarely have time to eat my lunch during my work day, I was starving and ended up driving to pick up Hannah while eating peanut butter off a plastic knife. That's dangerous, right?

So, then there were some chauffeuring duties and finally home. I had a huge list of "to do's" but I ended up doing entirely different stuff. Like organizing the silverware drawers, working out, and whipping up an entirely strange dinner of meatballs and cheese and crackers.

I think the past couple of days have been weird - mostly because of the absence of Shade and all the questions that surround the "second guessing" one does after making the decision to put a dog down. I think we did the right thing for Shade, letting him go out with some dignity, but it was a very sad decision. And being there when he left this world was both sad and beautiful. It was a peaceful way to go, and I was glad to be there to help usher him into "doggie heaven." But, though Shade was a huge part of my days in the past six years, he was an even bigger part of Jeff's life for 16 years. A constant companion, a hunting partner, a pain in the ass, sometimes. But still, he had him longer than his own child. That's pretty huge. And it's not just something that you "get over" as quickly as you might think. That, combined with a ton of extra work at his job has created a big stress ball for Jeff these days. Which is a bummer right before Christmas. Still, he is such a good sport. I could only hope to be as patient and reasonable as he is.

There have been a lot of challenges in our lives recently. It's been a stressful year. And the holidays always sort of culminate in some extra stress simply because of all the "stuff" that goes on in relation - extra activities, performances, shopping, parties, prepping, wrapping....it's fun but it's also a lot. Just a lot.

Some days I just long for things to slow down. I miss the simpler days - I'm not sure when those were (haha) but I almost always feel like I run out of time to "get it all done" and there seems to never be a dull moment or a time when one of the kids or one of the adults isn't in crisis to some degree. Chaos reigns and we thrive on it, but simple is good, too. Simple is nice. Time to just be and enjoy. Especially during the holiday season. I am determined to get me some of that.

Stress and the real mom

Why is it that when stressful things happen they always happen when there is no time? I mean, why aren't there just pockets of time during the day for us to stress out and go nuts? Instead, we stress during pockets of time that are running out the door, or late to a meeting.

This morning Harrison put his shoes on. Then took them back off saying "These are not my shoes! These shoes are too small!" He then reminded me that his friend had the same shoes and came to the conclusion that he must have worn Harrison's shoes home. Except that particular friend was NOT EVEN HERE this weekend. So, there is no way they could have been his shoes. No, what probably happened is that Harrison's feet grew (overnight? It's possible!) and the shoes are now too small. Or he was just being picky. Or any number of other explanations. Either way, he had to wear his "choir shoes" to school and he was mortified. Now, before you get images of spit-polished wing-tips, let me say his "choir shoes" are really just stylized black tennis shoes. Not dorky at all. Still..........no wonder people have heart attacks in the morning!

Today is crazy, as usual. I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another around here. We thrive on chaos and a bit of stress but sometimes it gets to be too much. I have learned that one of my biggest stressors is having to transport kids to different places with not enough time to get them all there. Today is one of those days. I am only one person, and I simply cannot be in two places at once. And yet, I am expected to be. I think I've got it all worked out, thanks to a sympathetic receptionist who is allowing me to be a little late to the last appointment, but it will require me to work with military precision to execute it all.

Which brings me to another issue - job searching. I mean, if that isn't stress, I don't know what is. I cannot imagine what people go through, especially those who are the sole supporters for their family. Job searching is so demoralizing and time consuming. And I'm not even sure what kind of job I want, or can do, or even if I can work outside the home and still meet the needs of my family. In a perfect world, I'd stay home and make everything run smoothly. I'd be the person who responds to all the emergencies (wait, I AM that person), and keeps things on a somewhat even keel. But adding a paying outside job to all of that seems impossible. Not that I haven't done it. I just quit a very good job, but the reasons for that were multi-faceted and it was the right option. Still, someone needs to make money to feed us. Jeff makes enough money to keep the roof over our heads and the bills paid, but not enough to feed us, clothes us or contend with the bazillion other expenses that loom each and every day. So, I need a job. Or at least I need money. I'm working on it and have a few things going, but it's not enough by any means. So, I keep searching for the perfect job, and it's elusive, if not impossible, to find. Stress.

Then, there's the daily irritation of household chores and who should do them. I can't do them all, nor should I, because there are six people living in this house and I'm sure not making all the messes. But the kids' bathroom is constantly condemnation-worthy, their rooms are scattered and messy and no one seems to be able to change the toilet paper or pick anything up off the floor. I delegate and assign chores, but when they are not done correctly, that becomes another part time job for me to oversee all of the indiscretions and fix them (or direct someone to fix them). It's ridiculous. And time consuming. And really not fun at all.

I realize my stress seems to be amplified by hormones. Which is a whole other issue. Now that I'm of a "certain age" I don't seem to be able to accurately predict which days of the month I will be a screaming banshee. So, I have these sudden flares of insanity and wonder, what the heck was that? Gotta love the "change of life".

I'd take a vacation if I could afford it. But at this point the only vacation available to me is a road trip in a smallish camper with four children and three dogs. Somehow that doesn't scream "relax" to me! It's no wonder why people drink. Is it 5 o'clock somewhere?