Why I Deserve Hazard Pay!

Today started out like any other. Well, there was a minor glitch in that Hannah didn't feel well and missed her bus. But after driving her to school and making it to work on time, it seemed like any other day. Myla had gymnastics and I was to be her escort today, so I busied myself getting her shoes and socks on. That's when the first hazard happened. Dakota tried to walk by us and tripped into me, bashing her Leap Frog Learning Desk into my face! As the area went numb, I brushed it off and continued on to gymnastics. Myla was very, shall we say, animated at gymnastics and I had to keep her reined in to the group (lots of pointing to the mat and saying "come here" then "1, 2..." while she came running back!). Finally we were at the trampolines, the last part of the class. Myla wanted to be in the foam pit. So, I tossed her in (much to her delight) and she busied herself trying to bury herself deeper and deeper into the cubes of foam. Then, she took her socks off. Hazard number two. Because two small, white socks are next to impossible to find in a foam pit the size of my living room filled with thousands of blocks of blue foam. I debated just giving them up for lost, but then I made the horrible mistake of going in after them! HUGE fail! Because while those tiny little toddler bodies practically bounce off the foam cubes, my generous frame only sank farther and farther into the pit. I did manage to retrieve the socks, only to start losing my own socks as I tried to scramble out of the pit. Taking my own socks off I debated a graceful way to exit the foam pit in front of 25 other mom/kid pairs. No way in hell. The coach (God bless him) finally noticed my predicament and offered his hands. Um, thanks but I seriously doubt he could pull me out (as he suggested I "climb the wall like Spiderman"). He finally brought over a mat and put that in the foam pit so I could hoist myself on it and climb out on my own. How embarrassing! I turned around to look at Myla (still burying herself deeper) and I swear she had a malicious grin on her face.

So, after gymastics hell, I decided we (read: I) deserved a Starbucks treat. As soon as we got to the counter, Myla grabbed her organic chocolate milk and turned her sweet little face up to me, gave me her heart-melting grin and announced "I want a scone!" Well, of course the princess could have a scone! How could I say no? So, I doled out a quarter of the scone in small bites while she sipped her milk and I relaxed with my coffee.

We then went to "Stupid Prices" - yes, that's a real store, and they were going out of business. So, off we went to scout out bargains. While there Myla decided it was time to talk, sing and converse loudly (unusual for her, because she tends to be more reserved and shy in public). So, while she belted out "Baa, Baa, Black Sheep" I scouted bargains. In a particularly crowded aisle, for no particular reason at all, Myla suddenly shouted "Mo farted!!!" (I'm Mo, by the way). I wheeled around and stated "I did NOT!" (I didn't....ok, I've been known to fart in a store, but I SWEAR this time I was innocent!) Myla just kept on singing like nothing happened while I ducked down another aisle to avoid the stares.

After scoring some bargains at Stupid Prices, we headed to Dollar Tree to scout out their Halloween stuff. Myla picked out a few prizes (and put many other choices back "for later") and suddenly I had to go to the bathroom SO bad. I asked where the bathroom was and then realized I had to get a key (attached to a large serving spoon - thanks for the subtlety!). Of course I had to take Myla with me into the bathroom much to her amusement. While I tried to be discreet she made no secret of looking at my butt (again, I swear she was smirking!). No privacy with kids around!

When we got to the car, I remembered that while at the Dollar Tree, Myla had announced "I'm stinky". That she was! Big time. And I made THE BIG MISTAKE. The one where I forget to bring a diaper and wipes with me when we head out. Crap! Literally. So, I scrounge around my car and find a package of Wet Ones, but of course, no diaper or any suitable substitute. But wait! I remembered seeing a package of Good Nights disposable kid underpants at Stupid Prices. Salvation! We head back to the store where, thankfully, the ONE package they had was still on the shelf. I make a hasty purchase and head back to the car where I proceed to change Myla. OH. MY. GOD! Now, I have four kids and have changed PLENTY of diapers in my lifetime, but still, once in a while there is just a diaper that defies all explanation. First, upon pulling her pants down, a mushy turd falls onto my hand, and yes, I tried to catch it (hey, it's a natural reaction) and poop gets packed under my fingernails. Ok, ok. I can handle this. No biggie that's what wipes and hand sanitizer are for. I think perhaps (I hope) this is the bulk of it, but NO! As I remove the Pull-Up, I encounter the biggest, messiest diaper I've ever had the pleasure of changing on Myla in my year of taking care of her. Needless to say I used up nearly the whole package of Wet Ones cleaning her up. As I started to re-dress her I realized there was poop in her pants, too....ugh....so she rode home without pants, socks or shoes.

I started toward home, just wanting hot water and soap (no amount of hand sanitizer can make poop under the fingernails seem clean again!), and realized I still needed to feed her lunch. A quick look at the clock told me I had only a half hour till nap time. The Golden Arches loomed ahead and I made a quick pit stop for some McNuggets. They were steaming hot, so I held them, one at at time, in front of the air conditioner to cool down as I fed them to her on the way home! The whole way home she kept requesting "Boom de clap" - her name for the Hoedown Throwdown song by Miley Cyrus. Over. And over. "Wanna listen again?" Not really. Finally home, I scurried her up to naptime (after getting her some new clothes on) and came downstairs to write this. Because I did not want to forget one bit of this "hazard pay" day!

(If my employers are missing some liquor, don't tell on me, ok?)