I just wanted to take a bath............

So, it's kind of cool today. The kind of summer cool in Seattle where, in the evening, you might want  a jacket, or a fuzzy blanket, or even a bath! YES! A bath! That seemed just the ticket - I was a little bit cold, I had some new, yummy-smelling bath salts given to me by one of my students at the end of the school year, and I hadn't soaked in the tub reading a magazine in ages! I have a lovely, corner soaking tub (jetted!), scented candles, and a surround just big enough to hold my bath supplies and a large glass of milk and Hershey bar (I mean, essentials, c'mon!).

In fact,I hadn't taken a bath since.......last winter? I'm not sure but judging by the dust layer in the tub and the cobwebs on the candles, it's been a while. You see, in the winter, I love nothing more than a hot soak in the tub with lovely bubble bath and a stack of magazines. I have everything at the ready, and after a quick scrub of the tub, I'm ready to jump in and luxuriate in the suds.

Ah yes. Scrubbin' the tub. I'm very particular and like my bathtub to be freshly scrubbed before I soak. Which, let's admit, depletes a bit of the enjoyment because I have to WORK for my tubby, but there's nothing like spanking-clean white porcelain to greet my equally white ass. Whoops, did I type that out loud?

So, of course, I had to clean the tub. I decided the best way to do this was while standing IN the tub in my bra and underwear. I'm not sure why but it might have had something to do with the fact that it might be less offensive if someone were to burst in the door at an inopportune moment while I was bent over scrubbing the tub. A red-underwear-clad butt is always less scary than a nakey butt.

Boy howdy, was that tub dirty! When I'm not using it on a fairly regular basis, it becomes a breeding ground for stray hair, dust, and whatever falls off my counter into the tub on a daily basis. Tonight the tub contained one tube of sunscreen, a large sponge, the diffuser off my hair dryer, and a large, potted plant. My husband is responsible for that last part. I guess he was "watering" the plant by letting it sit under the spigot, collecting random drips.

I removed all of those items, and in doing so, I accidentally knocked over my container of bath salts which hit the dog's water bowl (actually a former baby doll bathtub that I keep in my bathroom for when the dog is thirsty at night) at just the right angle, spilling it over in a rush of flooding that swept under my laundry hamper and a cardboard box. Yes, there is a cardboard box in my bathroom. It's been there since Christmas and is actually filled with Christmas items. Shut up. I've never moved it and now it's got a partner - a similar box (empty) that sits on top and acts as a nice little collecting shelf for things like towels and clothes that need attention (sewing, stain removal).

I had to climb out of the tub to clean up the mess which is no easy feat. In fact, since this house was built, I've lamented how high the bathtub sits and how it's hard to climb in and out of it without ripping off my lady parts on the faucet. My husband graciously purchased me a step-stool that is painted and glossed so that it's as slippery as snot on a doorknob, so it's not really a safe alternative. However, I did manage to climb out and clean up the mess. When I moved the step-stool, I found a wad of hair so large it looked like a small puppy. So, THERE'S where all my hair goes when it falls off my head!

After cleaning up the hairball and the scouring powder that also spilled in the bath salt disaster, I climbed back in the tub to finish cleaning it. I had to wipe down the window sills, and, in doing so, had to move a very large sailboat my husband made in shop class in high school. He's already broken it once, and it only took him about ten years to fix it, so I had to be VERY careful wiping the dust off the sailboat. Despite my utmost care, the thing wobbled precariously and in catching it, the "lines" became entangled hopelessly in my cleaning rag. I finally shook it all loose and backed away cautiously. Next, came the other windowsill. I noticed some cobwebs and the crumbled-up carcasses of two large flies and one bumblebee. GROSS! Shuddering, I swept them into the rag and shook them out under the running water.

For some reason, the tub wasn't draining very quickly so that in a matter of seconds, the water was filling up and I was standing nearly ankle-deep in floating fly carcass bits. I turned off the water and danced around attempting to avoid the disgusting dead bodies and I saw a SPIDER crawling up my leg! I screamed and flicked the cleaning rag wildly, sending a stream of dusty, hairy, carcass-laden water into my EYE! And let me tell you, it's not easy to dispose of a spider down the drain through the blur of dirty water in your eye.

After catching my breath, I continued to wipe everything down and finally came to the actual cleaning part. I picked up my container of Comet (2x the bleach the label proclaimed! Hell to the fucking YES I want 2x the bleach! Give me 10x the bleach! My bathroom is infested with all manner of disgusting and I MUST destroy it!). I sprinkled it liberally around my feet and up the sides of the tub and bent over to start scrubbing.

OUCH! Back spasm! Back spasm! I felt my back seizing up in a most ominous way and I immediately attempted to counter-act it by doing yoga back bends. By this time, one boob had started to work it's way out of my bra and was bulging out at a most unattractive angle. So, there I was, in my bra and underwear, one boob ready to spring loose any moment, doing yoga in my Comet-covered tub. Did I mention the window was open? Apologies to any of my neighbors who happened to be in the park at that moment. Please don't put that on the internet.

Finally, blessedly, I scrubbed the whole tub, then had to stand, ankle-deep, for ten minutes while the ever lovin' tub drained slow as molasses. Rinse, drain, rinse, drain. I got the last of the Comet sludge rinsed down the drain. By this time I was NOT cold any more. Rather, I was breaking a sweat, my back was spasming, and all I wanted to do was put on my pajamas and get in bed. So, I climbed out of the tub and did just that. And knocked the damn bath salts over AGAIN.

After that experience, I thought I had a pretty good blog post that needed to be documented. Being lazy and tired by this point, I decided to just download the Blogger app on my phone. I could blog on my phone while lying in bed! Technology is great! Except, not. Because I downloaded the app and it didn't work. I was just about to stuff my face with my Hershey bar, drink my milk and bid adieu to this crappy evening when my son walked in. I begged him to bring me my computer, which he did, and that is why I am able to bring you this excellent bath experience that I did NOT have tonight.

Perhaps tomorrow, I will deem the tub still clean enough to enjoy a bath. Or not. No magazines were enjoyed tonight. No sudsy bubbles enveloped me in relaxation. But I'm still eating the Hershey bar. I'm not crazy.