Lip scrubbin'

The other day I tried a lip scrub. For those of you who don't know what this is - it's basically another product designed to let women know that they need help with ALL parts of their bodies, even their kisser. This product is a mixture of goo (coconut oil, Vaseline, and the like) and some type of grainy substance designed to "slough off" the top layer of your lips to reveal the plump, luscious layers below.

Now, I don't know about you but my lips feel just fine, thank you. I mean, sure, I've experienced the occasional rough, chapped lip a time or two but a swipe of Carmex or cherry Chapstick or Bonne Bell Bubble Gum Lip Smackers slicked the rough layers right back to......well, normal lip skin. At least until I licked off the flavor off and reapplied. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

But not long ago I caved to the relentless pleasure of receiving mail and purchased a Target Beauty Box. It's like a Birchbox but with products real people use and only $5. I was pretty excited about all those sample sizes because I had a few trips planned and those travel-ready sizes come in so handy. Except on the first trip I took after I received my Beauty Box, I forgot to pack any of my new treasures. Anyway......one of the products included was a lip scrub.

The lip scrub sat on my counter for a few days and I gave it no thought. Until my daughter came downstairs one night and mixed up her own lip scrub with sugar and coconut oil. She said it worked better than any other lip scrub (who knew she'd tried more than one?) and "you can lick it off after!"

So, I figured I'd give my lip scrub a try. I mean, my aging face needs all the help it can get so why not have kiss-worthy lips? I took a small amount and applied it to my lips. Except it was chunky so it fell off. I tried again, this time smashing the concoction into my pout and proceeding to smear it around awkwardly. I wasn't sure how long this gritty massage was supposed to last but I worked it in nice and good and then wondered exactly how I was supposed to remove it? I certainly wasn't going to lick this chemical salve off - was it even edible?

I grabbed a piece of toilet paper to wipe it off which only left bits of tissue on my now-sticky lips, caught in the tiny grains of whatever they used for the "scrub" part (ground up nuts? rock salt? pulverized gravel?) Now, I had sticky, gritty, fuzzy lips.

I tried water - sloshing it up against my lips and rubbing to remove the grit. Most of it was successfully removed but a glistening, greasy sheen remained and my lips felt like I had just kissed duct tape. In desperation I grabbed a towel and vigorously rubbed my lips to remove all traces of the oil slick.

And when it was all over, my lips were red, rough and throbbed slightly. Sure, my pout was puffed but only because I had assaulted it. I resigned then and there not to try a lip scrub ever again. Besides, with my rapid-fire and non-stop talking, I'm certain my lips generate enough friction to slough off any dead skin while simultaneously delivering insults and sarcasm.

Lip scrub, indeed. Who needs it?