Babies

A strange series of events prompted me to write this entry, something I always knew I would do, but just didn't know when...........

But first, some history......many people don't know this but I had a miscarriage between my pregnancies with Hayley and Hannah. I was seven weeks pregnant and had already spread the happy news to my family and friends. Sadly, that pregnancy ended, and the absolute worst part of it all was the "untelling". It went on for months, because I had told so many people, that I would run into someone months later who would eye me suspiciously and say "aren't you....?" to which I'd have to run down the whole story again. It was a really sad and confusing time for me, but happily I got pregnant with Hannah just two months later, and so I had something else to occupy my time and emotions. On Mother's day that year, I was very pregnant and had mixed emotions because that would have been my due date with the previous pregnancy. But there I was, six months into another healthy pregnancy, so I had a lot to be happy about as well.

Lucky for me, my next pregnancy, with Harrison, was also healthy. And then I was "done" - I had my girls, I had a boy, and I thought my family was complete. But life throws us curveballs, and how was I to know I'd get divorced, remarry, gain a bonus daughter, and start to think about having another baby? Of course, having a baby is something Jeff and I talked about, as any marrying couple would, and the possibility was still there for us. But as our lives slowly untangled themselves from divorce proceedings to adjusting to a new, blended family, adding another baby to our brood seemed an impossibility, or at the very least, an improbability. And we were both getting older. So, we had to decide - baby or not? We decided baby but that didn't work out like we planned. So we sought help in the form of the dreaded fertility clinic! We did medicine, shots, and finally an IUI (intrauterine insemination) which was unsuccessful.

There was talk of a surgery - to remove a dermoid cyst I had on my left ovary. We had been watching it for a couple of years and I finally felt it was time to get it out and just be done worrying about it. The cyst was wrapped around my ovary and the doctor said it would be a much less complicated surgery if we removed the ovary along with it. Figuring I didn't "need" that ovary anymore (seeing as it appeared we could not have a baby together), I opted to have it removed. The surgery was successful.........and ten days later, I got pregnant! I did not discover this until my post-op visit, at which time my jaw hit the floor. I had a mixture of emotions - fear, disbelief, total joy. We finally got what we wanted so badly! But sadly, that pregnancy also ended in miscarriage last November. We had discussed all the different ways to tell the kids, who so badly wanted a sibling, and had decided to tape ultrasound pictures into a gift box, wrap it up, and put it under the Christmas tree for the kids to open. We would explain it was a gift for the whole family and watch their faces as they realized they were finally getting THE gift they'd been asking for all this time. Needless to say we were SO excited about this, and then it all suddenly ended. And we didn't know what to say. To anyone. Because we didn't TELL anyone. The only people who knew were my doctor, us, and the bartender at The Rock (because I went out with my friends and had to ask him to "fake" a drink for me, because I wasn't ready to tell them I was pregnant and did not want to raise suspicions!). We simply did not tell anyone else, choosing to wait until Christmas to tell the kids first. So, it seemed weird to even bring it up to anyone else at that point. It was just something Jeff and I dealt with ourselves. I always KNEW I'd tell my family and friends, but when is a good time to say "oh, by the way, I WAS pregnant but I'm not now"? Next thing I knew, time went by...........and here it is, a whole year later.

I noticed I'd been thinking about it a lot and realized it's been a year so it seemed natural to think about what would have been near the one-year anniversary of that sad day. But we also learned that Arlie's mom just found out she's pregnant. So, of course, it made us sad that we can't give Arlie that ultimate gift of a sibling that she's been so wanting, but her mom can. And it made me sad that Jeff just has one child. Because I know he's always wanted more than one child. And I can't help but wonder why it hasn't worked for us? I never had any trouble getting pregnant before, and we've been checked out every which way and there does not seem to be a good reason why we can't get pregnant, but now that I'm almost 42, it seems my fertile days are behind me.

Sure, there are a MILLION reasons why having another baby at our age and stage in life is completely crazy (not the least of which is the fact that we already have four healthy children). But if there's one regret I have, it's that we couldn't give our kids a sibling, and have our own baby that would tie us all together. What a beautiful gift that would have been for us, such a neat way to complete our family! I so wanted to give Jeff another child and raise a child with him from birth - OUR baby. And we had those two blissful weeks where we planned and dreamed and laughed about the fact that it was really happening. And then it was over. So, a year later, it's hard not to think about what would have been, even though we are forever grateful for what we do have - four beautiful kids! It's just that a baby in this family would have been so loved and so cherished and woven a common thread through us all. But it wasn't meant to be. I wonder if you are ever really at peace with that? The what-ifs and could-have-been's go on forever. All I know is, a baby would have been the best gift we ever could have given our kids and ourselves, and it would have been a very loved baby, indeed.

Fare thee well, Chomper!

Ok, so here's a recap on my surgery. And that being on drugs thing? Well, I've taken a few Vicodin today but I swear they are doing nothing for me except making me feel spacey. NOT working on the pain, I tell you. So, I've resorted to swiping a few of Jeff's 800 mg. ibuprofen and those seem to be taking the edge off. But I still feel "weird" and I really hate that feeling.

I went in at 6:45 a.m. to get everything started. Filled out some paperwork, waited, was escorted to an "interview room", waited, several people came in to take vitals, talk to me, etc. I was told to undress completely and put on a gown and a robe. So, I got to sit naked, wrapped in thin material for over an hour while I waited for the doctor. He breezed in, said "so what are we doing today?" (you don't know?) and I waited some more. Finally I walked to OR #1 where I was greeted by no less than 8 people! I felt kind of weird, like "here I am for the party!". A nurse took off my robe, at which point I'm sure part of my butt was showing, but I said "I guess in a few minutes this won't matter anyway" because I knew my most glorious parts were about to be exposed for the world to see (and it didn't help that Jeff mentioned "what if they have cell phones and they snap pictures?"). The anesthesiologist positioned my arm on the little "arm bed" (for lack of a better word!) and produced a syringe the size of a baby bottle! He said "you're gonna love this stuff" and pushed the plunger. I felt a burning sensation in my throat and face and then I was out! I woke up with an oxygen mask on my face (a bit claustrophobic) and tried to pull myself out of drugged oblivion. Before I was quite ready for that, two nurses had me up and at 'em, getting dressed and out to a recliner where I sat with Jeff while the pharmacy delivered my pain meds and a nurse discharged us. I had made previous arrangements with my dr. to actually see "Chomper" and all it's weirdness, but alas, someone had sent him on to the lab, so all I got were some lame photos (and of course, the cyst was intact in the photos, so I will never know if it had teeth, hair, muscle fibers, or thyroid tissue!). I wasn't really in a position to worry much about it, I could barely stand up long enough to walk to the car. I rested, dozed and finally got up for dinner (which was delivered by my wonderful neighbor Carla, along with gifts for everyone - she's SO generous!). I felt pretty chipper! I even cleaned up after dinner! And checked my email! And watched the kids work on their dance! Yay! This wasn't so bad.

Cut to 2:30 a.m. I woke up, sure I had just been run over by a semi truck. My body hurt from head to toe. And I had to pee. I shuffled out of bed, taking my Vicodin with me, my glass of Gatorade and a package of graham crackers to the bathroom. I took a Vicodin, a swig of Gatorade and ate half a graham cracker before going to the bathroom. I could barely move, so that was a challenge. I finally shuffled back to bed and inched my way back down to a flat position. Where did all this pain come from? Yikes. I dozed and woke up again around 8 and decided to shower. Wow, that was a feat. Plus, I had to replace a few bandaids when I got out (just love ripping those suckers off my skin!). Carla brought Jeff and I coffee and pastries and we visited until around 10. I went back to bed, and lay there until 4:45, unable to go to sleep, but not feeling well enough to do anything but lay there with my eyes closed. I finally got up to check my email and blog. Another dinner is on it's way from my other neighbor Amy, so that's nice. But I still hurt like hell and I'm really hoping tomorrow is better.

At any rate, I survived and now my insides just have to catch up. Will write more later when I'm feeling more chipper. Thanks for everyone who sent texts and phone calls and good wishes my way! Much appreciated!

Doing nothing special.........

Tonight was really nice. The kids were all back after the weekend away and it was just a nice, relaxed time. Hannah was craving "peanut butter noodles" for dinner. I looked up a recipe and Jeff made it (along with the exotic side of chicken nuggets). When deciding what veggie to serve, Jeff suggested we serve canned peas, just to see what reaction we'd get. Well, I personally HATE canned peas, but figured I could gag down a few spoonfuls. So, I heated up two cans, with a little butter and garlic salt. Man, were those a hit! Who knew? Harrison and Arlie had three servings. I'm pretty sure Hannah scraped a few into her mouth, but was was even more impressive is she didn't complain about them. Hayley was at a meeting at school, so she didn't eat with us. But it was still amusing to see them devour canned peas when I normally skip right over those cans because I don't like them (they weren't that bad). I'm trying to save on the grocery bill by "eating from the pantry" this month. Instead of doing a big grocery trip every week, I'm going to make dinners with what we have (I'll still have to buy fruit and stuff, and we get our milk delivered). I read about a family who did this and saved a ton of money. So, I figured what the heck? We have so much food stored. My mom calls it our "Mormon pantry"! (We are not Mormon, for those of you who wondered). Oh, and I made snickerdoodles (another Hannah craving) for dessert and we devoured them. Yum!

Anyway, later we actually sat and watched TV - all of us! We almost never do that and it was nice to just snuggle up on the couch and kick back. Those are the kinds of things I wish we had more time for - just doing nothing.

Oh, and the kids did their chores without complaining today. I am trying to find the right balance between chores and being a drill sargeant. (I think I spelled that wrong and it's driving me crazy). Anyway, this week, I whittled down the chore list. I may have mentioned my meltdown at the kids' bathroom last week. I refrained from posting a photo of the enormous amount of clothing and towels that came from that tiny room. We are talking MOUNTAINS! I had them sort it into the hallway and they are all responsible for doing certain loads of it until it's all done. So, tonight a couple of loads got washed. And in order to do that, they had to fold a couple of loads. Well, their technique for that is to dump everything on my bed and fold away while watching TV. Later, Jeff came downstairs holding a bra and saying "who's trying to sabotage my marriage? I found this under my pillow!" I thought someone planted it there, but no, it was an honest mistake. Still pretty funny.

I'm having surgery on Wednesday. I'll be short one ovary after, but I'm not really using them anymore so it's ok. I have a cyst on my left ovary that is called a dermoid. These are present at birth and derive from a single cell that can turn into basically anything in the human body. As a result, they are totally freaky. While they can show up in many parts of the body (including the face, brain, spinal cord, etc.) they often occur on the ovaries. And since they contain embryonic cells they often have hair, muscle fibers and well-formed teeth. Yes, teeth. I once saw one of these freaks of nature at an exhibit on the human body. It had about four fully-formed human teeth and long hair coming out of it. Kind of like a semi-human within a human. Yes, I know - sounds like some sort of alien abduction thing, right? But it's for real. Jeff calls mine "Chomper" and when he saw a real one at that exhibit, his response was "Holy Hell, get that thing out of you!". And even weirder is that most people have them someplace in the body, but they normally do not grow or cause any problems so most people never know about them. Mine was discovered by accident. And it's been "monitored" for two years, but I'm ready to have it out now. And since it's wrapped around my ovary, I decided to have them just take the whole damn thing out. It's an easier surgery and I'm all for easier when I'm under general anesthesia. Anyway, I told them to take pictures and keep it so I can see it before they send it off to pathology. If I have a freakish half-human residing inside me, I at least want to see it before it goes. Don't worry, I'll refrain from posting photos here. Anyway, that's your medical mystery for the day. Hope you enjoyed it.