Wine drunk women and loneliness in middle age..........

I attended a beautiful wedding recently. It was a perfect evening and the festivities were winding down. The bride and groom were getting ready to make their exit when a woman I have met just once came over and sat down next to me.

"Hi! I'm J. I just thought I'd come over here and introduce myself and let you know that I'm the bitch who took your place in book club!"

As introductions go, this was one of the strangest I've ever encountered. I had met this women once before the wedding at a paint night event for the bride. I hadn't even spoken to her, really, beyond the name-only introductions.

For context, the book club this woman was referring to consisted of a small group of six ladies meeting for a book club started by my hairdresser which included my friend, the mother of the bride, her daughter, the bride, a former co-worker friend of mine, and a couple of ladies I only knew by name, J included.

I had not been invited to join this book club, although I had heard about it several years ago, been asked if I was interested, and expressed my interest to join. That invite never came and I barely gave it another thought. And then I found out my close friend was invited in one of those weird "one person knows another person and another person knows a crossover person who knows both people" ways. Although I would surely have been interested in joining - and, by my own account, would have been a hilarious addition to the "club" (haha), I was not invited and I really didn't give it much thought.

I joined another book club for a while. It fizzled out, as those things do. And my life went on.

So, there I was, enjoying a perfectly beautiful wedding, when this woman made this proclamation that knocked me askew.

"Oh?" I responded, giggling nervously, because I was not at all sure where this conversation was going.

She went on to tell me that three years previous, she had met my hairdresser who had asked her to join this book club. For reasons unknown, the club was limited to six women, and while I had apparently been in the running as a member, I was shunned in favor of J. Or at least this is what J told me.

She then went on to say that although she should feel bad for "taking my spot" she really didn't, because, by her account, she "needed it more than me" (her words). She went on to say this four or five more times - how I was "lucky" because I already knew a lot of the members but she had moved to town three years ago, friendless, and how would she have met anyone otherwise? She said it was the greatest group of women she'd been acquainted with, and how she really valued their time together that included girls' weekends.

I listened quietly, and assured her how happy I was for her that she'd made good friends (because the ladies in the book club are really amazing women). I thought the conversation would end there, but she continued to emphasize how she "needed" their friendship more and so she was not really sorry for "taking my place".

At a point in the conversation, my husband, who I had turned my back on to speak to this woman, could sense the conversation with this wine-drunk woman was dragging on, so he retrieved three bottles of "send off" bubbles and offered us each a bottle, indicating it was time to move on to saying goodbye to the couple. Still, she prattled on.

I finally stood up to make my way to the "send-off" line and lost her in the crowd somewhere. We blew the bubbles, said goodbye and I hustled my family to the car for the long ride home, spent from hearing how much I didn't "need" friends.

I didn't speak of the conversation at first, and my husband later told me he wasn't able to hear any of what she was saying to me, only that he noticed I was a captive audience, however unwilling a participant. When we returned home, we were exhausted and went to bed.

The following morning, I relayed the whole story to my husband. Normally, he is not all that interested in girlish gossip, but after I finished he said, "What was the point of that conversation except to make you feel bad?"

And he had a point. The conversation DID make me feel bad, but not because she "took my spot" in the book club. It made me feel awful because she assumed, without knowing one thing about me, that I didn't need friends as much as she did. And I had to wonder why she thought that. Why she assumed I had so many friends that she could feel justified in taking mine.

Because it's not true.

I realize no one "owns" their friends - friends are to be shared. Certainly many people have varied and unconnected friend groups from different walks of life. But what J didn't know is that I was right smack in the middle of an emotional crisis about exactly that - friends!

At 50, I find myself less connected with multiple groups of other parents raising kids who become our friends. I've had dance mom friends, sports mom friends, school mom friends, neighborhood mom friends. Friendships that have come and gone, changed and morphed over the years. I've had friends I've seen every day and friends I see rarely but still feel very connected to.

As my kids have grown, and I no longer have those groups, my friends have changed. My work doesn't lend itself to making friends easily - as a substitute teacher, I am not part of a staff that regularly work together. Certainly I am friendly with a great many teachers and staff at the schools where I work, but that friendship stays within the walls of the school.

My social connections outside of work are very few. I've settled into a work/home mode that has me spending much of my free time with just my husband or my husband and grown kids. I suppose that's natural - we're all growing up together and as our families branch out and connect in other places, our friendships and lifestyle changes.

My husband is most definitely my best friend, and, lucky for me, he's pretty fun to be with. We have grand adventures and small moments and I know he is there for me at all times. That friend you can call at 4 a.m. no matter what? I don't have that, but I can always wake my husband up.

I've never really gone on a girls' weekend. I spent one night in a hotel with three friends once when my kids were much younger. The hotel was in the next town, 15 minutes away, and while it was lots of fun, it wasn't a long weekend of girl time and making memories. I know people who do girls' weekends regularly. That just isn't my history. And while it sounds like fun, it also sounds like sharing a hotel room with someone other than my own family and, frankly, I like to keep my snoring to myself and sleep in peace. My introverted side says I'm perfectly ok with not straying far from my safe nest at home unless I have a close family member by my side. My lonelier side says I wish I had friends who wanted to spend a weekend with me.

I have one friend who absolutely wins the gold medal in keeping a tiny group of us connected. By tiny I mean three. What started as a very large group of moms and babies who met weekly for playdates has dwindled down to three 50-something woman with grown children who still meet up fairly regularly for coffee. That coffee date regularly lasts four hours and we are never surprised by how fast the time flies when we are together. This friend is amazing at remembering, every few weeks, to text us with a reminder that it's been a while and could we meet for coffee or dinner and drinks soon? And we do. And it's like no time has passed at all. Thank goodness for that friend.

But a certain level of loneliness has crept into my life and I'm finding myself caught in a conundrum of making peace with it and just loving my home life (I do!) and wanting to keep making friends and connections. Is it ever too late to make lifelong friends?

Recently, someone posted on a Facebook community page about how hard it is to make friends. Hundreds of people from all walks of life and all ages responded in kind - it IS so hard to make friends. Many said people are generally friendly but don't seem to want to make deeper connections. In this introverted world, that is not completely surprising. We work hard, have busy lives, and our free time is precious (and far too limited). It's no wonder that we just want to flop on the couch when we get home, take off the bra and do nothing. Going out requires effort. Showing up requires work.

But we also long to be connected - I remember days of having a playgroup, Bunco group, and a book club all while juggling after-school lessons, homework, attending whatever the latest "party" was (baskets, stamps, scrapbooking) and the general chaos of raising kids. It's no wonder those social obligations started to feel like work. I've often joked that I just want to start "club" - no book, game, multi-level marketing ploy or other factor to make it feel like an obligation. Just "club" - where everyone is welcome, you bring food and drink, and you just eat, talk and connect until you're tired and go home. Why do we need structure to form friendships?

So, while I'd like to pass off my conversation with J as just a wine-drunk woman making small talk, I can't stop thinking about why a woman would want to tell another woman something for the sole purpose of making her feel awful. It just doesn't compute.

We are all worthy of friendship. What I've learned is that sometimes you have to look in other places. As your life changes and grows, so do your personal connections. Sometimes you find a great friendship in the least expected place. Sometimes you will go through a very lonely, isolating time. Sometimes you have to start over.

But at the very least, I've always made it my goal to be inclusive and to give people a chance. Sure, I'm not going to like everyone and I'm absolutely certain many people will not like me. But I often get comments from social media about how much "fun" my life is and how awesome my family is. And it IS awesome. But it is lonely, far too often. I thank God every day that I have my amazing kids and sweet husband to keep me going because some days it's hard. I used to have a tribe and now I have a very small group of friends whom I see far too infrequently. I've always valued quality over quantity - growing up attending a new school each year really teaches you the value of that! So, for those few, I am grateful.

But I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many, like me, who feel unconnected or unsteady in their connections. If that's you, reach out. I can always use new friends. And I hate for anyone to feel left out. If you see my online presence and think "Hey, she looks like a fun person to hang out with!" just message me and say that! I know how isolating it can be at this stage of life. And I would never want to assume you have enough friends to sustain you. You never know what someone is going through.

Finally, if you are wine-drunk at a wedding, you might want to stop talking. You will never know the consequences of your words. You probably won't even remember them. But someone will. And they'll write a blog about it. Be nice.

How easily forgotten.........

Recent happenings have caused me to ponder how easily we forget people. Not our loved ones who have passed on - surely we remember them from time to time with fond memories. What I'm noticing is how easily we forget people in our lives due to a change in circumstances. For instance, in past years, friends I've had from my neighborhood have moved - not out of state but to a nearby neighborhood - but they might as well be out of the state, or the country for that matter, for all I've seen them since. People who spent weekends at my home, enjoying a party or a game night, have dropped out of my life completely as soon as they moved a few blocks away.

Within the past year, my daughter has moved from her high school to a homeschooling program due to health issues. And slowly her friends have faded from her life. There is an occasional invite to a girls' night or gathering, but more often than not, she's forgotten. The downside of social media is that it's not too hard to know what all your friends are doing when they post their every move on Facebook. So, it's easy to see the events you haven't been invited to. And it's all the more distressing when you know those same people have been more than happy to spend their time at your home, taking advantage of your hospitality and rarely, if ever, reciprocating.

I think it's just a lack of manners today. I've noticed this type of "take but not give" mentality overtaking our society. I cannot count the times a parent has been more than happy to drop their child off at my house for a long playdate, but never reciprocated. Even now, as teens, my kids' friends' parents seem to think we're the daycare/carpool/eating establishment for their children. I love to welcome my kids friends (and my own friends) into my home, but when that invitation is rarely extended by others, it doesn't feel very encouraging.

Recently I drove carpool for a week to an event my children were involved in. I picked up two teens who needed rides. Only later in the week did I find out their parents were not only home, but available to drive, they just didn't want to! These parents did not offer gas money or any other compensation for me to drive their children (neither of whom I had met previous to the carpool arrangement). I felt they could have at least offered to take one day each in exchange for me driving the other days. My husband and I are very generous about giving rides home to our kids' friends, but when it becomes an expectation, it makes you feel taken advantage of and the result is that you simply do not want to extend the generosity anymore. Which is sad, because that's the very problem I'm talking about. People are not very generous with their time and hospitality these days.

I understand that we're all busy and have jobs and families to take care of. But I also know it's not that hard to extend some common courtesies. The sad truth is, I think people just "forget". I'm certain most people would love to catch up more, have more fun with their friends, celebrate the good times. But we get so wrapped up in ourselves, we rarely look around us or think about others. Our best intentions are just that - intentions. It reminds me of a quote I read recently "a goal without a plan is just a wish". This is so true - we can talk it up all we want, but until someone springs into action, it's just talk.

It breaks my heart when I hear my kids talking to their friends and making grandiose plans for the summer. "We're totally going on a road trip!" or "We are having sleepovers EVERY weekend!" And I know those things won't happen unless someone plans them. It's all well and good when school is ending and summer is looming, long and luxurious and unscheduled, and the next thing you know, you realize summer is impossibly short and you never went on that road trip or had that sleepover or got that awesome tan.

In my family, we do plan. Most of that planning falls on my shoulders, but I've had enough experience to know that if I don't plan it, no one will. And the thing is, I WANT to have fun. I WANT to socialize. I WANT to celebrate. So, I do. And I won't stop doing it just because others are too wrapped up in their own lives to include me or my children in theirs.

But I'd like to see more people take some initiative when it comes to including their friends. That friend you always say you're going to have lunch with? Make those plans today. That spontaneous gathering? Don't forget that neighbor or friend just down the street who might also enjoy it. And when you think back on all those people you "used" to be friends with, try to remember why you're not friends anymore. If you had a falling out, perhaps you can revisit your friendship now that time has passed. If you just forgot about them as you moved on, perhaps you can remember that they were once there for you unconditionally. It's ok if you've let friends go for other reasons. We can't all stay friends forever. But you might be surprised that the friends you "used" to know could still be the same trusted, loyal friends they once were before you let the slip from your circle. Don't forget.

Friends....

I got to thinking the other day about friends. We all have them. Some more than others. And I wondered about quantity versus quality of friends.

I read my Facebook posts and see some of my female friends posting about big-bash birthday parties, and trips to Cabo with girlfriends and I sometimes wish to be a part of one of those "big group" friend circles, where gathering everyone up takes a banquet room. Where celebrations are over-the-top and families go on vacation together.

And while I have many, many acquaintances, my "friend" group is much smaller. So, what makes a true friend? In my opinion, it's a person who reaches out to you as much as you reach out to her. Someone who is truly interested and concerned about your life, love, family and career, who will be there for you when the chips are down, who makes an effort to include you in special events.

Granted, in our "always busy" day and age, few of us have time to cultivate real friendships. Gone are the days where women spent the majority of their time in the company of other women raising children and taking care of families. Now we have the family part, along with careers, multiple obligations, and the everyday pressures to be successful in multiple areas.

Still. That does not exclude the seemingly simple things like meeting for coffee or celebrating a birthday lunch. I am grateful for the friends I do have who don't forget those things. And I have friends who I don't see but a few times a year, who are still true friends in my book, because we connect in other ways - Facebook, email, text conversations. I love a friend that is a constant -someone who, even after long stretches of absence in your life, can fall back in and reconnect as if no time had passed at all.

I also love new friends. I had a pen pal for years whom I've never met, but who, if I ever got the chance, would be a great new friend, I'm certain. Sometimes, a Facebook comment leads to an invitation to coffee, and a new friend is made. We women have a quick way of connecting and my husband has often marveled at how someone I've never met can suddenly fall into a seamless conversation and comfortable presence after only a few minutes. I always tell him "a woman can meet someone in the ladies room and come out best friends." It's just the way we are - we connect.

Then, there are some friends, who with the prevalence of social networking, can become friends we connect with daily and never meet. And while those people may not fit our traditional definition of friendship, they serve a purpose and meaningful relationships can be forged. I'm still a die-hard fan of face time, but it's nice to know there's another woman up at 3 a.m. to "talk" to when you can't sleep.

I think most of us get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to connect with our friends in more traditional ways. We send e-cards instead of meeting for lunch to celebrate birthdays, or we limit our "time" together to chatting on the sidelines of a soccer game, or a brief text now and then. I admire the girlfriend groups who have a yearly girl's only trip, or meet monthly for cocktails and conversation.

When my kids were little, and I was swamped with mommy stuff with seemingly "no time" for social outlets, I often joined a monthly group - Bunco, book club, mom's night out - to satisfy that girlfriend connect time. That worked for a long time, but as my kids got older, I found those things fading away as we all became busier in our kids' lives.

But if we're so wrapped up in our kids' lives, what happens to us? How do we rediscover and remember who  WE are? I have friends and relatives who are fully ensconced in club sports. It consumes all of their discretionary time to the exclusion of social interactions (with the exception of the other parents in the club sports), vacations, and pretty much anything else. Other friends are so wrapped up in their kids other activities, that they spend the majority of their time driving them to practices and rehearsals. And the people we spend that time with become our friends. But when the activity ceases, do the friendships? Some last, others fade away as we go through different stages in our lives.

I love it when I meet people who have been friends for years and years. To be in your sixties, and still connect regularly with your best friend you've known since age five - what a beautiful testimonial to true and lasting friendship. My guess is those two friends have drifted in and out of each other's lives for decades, weathering motherhood, marriage, divorce, death....all manner of joy and pain. And, in the end, they are still there for each other, a rock of stability that even other solid relationships such as marriage and parenthood can't crumble.

So, who are your "true" friends? Who are your new friends? What does friendship mean to you?

Too busy for yourself?

Yesterday I visited with a friend for lunch and another friend for dinner. And it was a very enjoyable day/evening! I love going out with friends and just catching up. Our lives are so busy, we barely have time to connect anymore, but even an hour-long coffee date or an hours-long dinner makes such a difference. For busy moms, it's our networking. Busy professionals go to seminars and meet-ups to connect with other people in their profession. Moms do the same - only our meet-ups might be in a yoga class, or at the grocery store, or at happy hour at 9 p.m. because that's when we finally got a minute to escape. No matter what our professions - working moms, "stay-at-home" moms, part-timers, we all need to network and connect with other women, especially our friends who have been in and out of our lives for a minute or decades.

That's why I find is so hard to believe that we can't seem to find time for each other. Or we cancel at the last minute. Or we reschedule so many times it's just not worth the effort. Recently, my book club went kaput. Everyone claimed "too busy". I get it. I sometimes have days where literally ALL of my time not spent sleeping is dedicated to someone else - a child, work, a husband, volunteering. But the truth is, not EVERY day is like that. It might seem like it, when days in a row, I have absolutely no discretionary time, but the truth is, if you're so busy you can't spare an hour to connect with your "network" then something is seriously out of whack.

I get it if you belong to a Bunco group, a book club, a church bible study, and also volunteer at your kids' school, while holding down a full-time job. You're busy! But what about YOU? What about the things that feed your soul and recharge you. My husband is fond of the saying "sharpen the saw". This means if you don't sharpen your saw blade (the things that make you happy), the saw will get dull and not be of much use anymore. Same with us - if we don't recharge from time to time, we get dull and boring. Your kids know it, your husband knows it, and your friends wonder where you've been all this time.

I wonder if our "too busy" is not just that we, as moms, wives, mothers, don't just sacrifice all of our personal joys in order to serve someone else. I know I do. I've never gone on a mom's only weekend save for one time spent overnight at a hotel 20 minutes from my house with good friends. I know plenty of moms who regularly indulge in Vegas weekends or a trip to wine country with a group of girlfriends. Lack of money to indulge in trips that involve airfare has kept me from considering that, and many may share my concern, but there are plenty of other ways to connect with other women that don't involve an overnight stay or matching luggage.

Take book club, for example. Once a month meetings. Read a book in between. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, I guess not. I only missed book club when I was out of town. I always read the book, save for one or two over several years. But more often than not, several members would be missing at each meeting and half of those there had never read the book. Sure, some were just there to socialize and that's fine. So, why not call it a girls' night and skip the book and discussion? That's ok, too. We often seem to need some "justification" for getting together with other women. An organized event seems to need to be taking place for it to seem legit. Why? Remember knocking on the neighbor's door and asking "can you play?" Why can't we just do that now? Just ask our friends over to "play"? We're so worried about hosting events that we simply don't have them. I don't get that. I'm fine if you want to come to my house and just hang out. Bring some food and drink and we'll have a grand old time just talking and laughing it up.

I guess I just find it hard to believe that once every thirty days or so, we cannot seem to find time to connect with our friends. I recently went out on a Thursday night to dinner with two friends. We met at 7 at a restaurant close to our homes. We were out of there before 9 because "Gray's Anatomy" was coming on. Even though I wasn't watching the show, I appreciated that 1. We got together...and 2. That my friends were smart enough to carve out two hours for dinner and still go home to watch their favorite show in their jammies. It was easy and we connected. We had a good time and no one had to miss their favorite show.

In my family, we tend to be the do-ers, the organizers, the inviters. Everyone comes to our house for events and non-events alike. I'm happy that my house is a gathering place and that people feel comfortable here. But I'm always amazed at how, year after year, we seem to do all the inviting, hosting and organizing and rarely does anyone reciprocate. I can't remember the last time we were invited to dinner or a party at someone's house. We always have a large turnout whether it's a teens' movie night or a Halloween party or birthday. But out of all those people who have enjoyed our home and hospitality, it's rarely reciprocated.

I don't blame or resent. I won't change the way we do things because we all love to connect with friends and have a good time. But I wonder.....why do people shy away from getting together? We're so cocooned in our own lives that we often seem to live in separate little cells protected from the world - together, yet separate. We might live in a neighborhood but not know the neighbors. Or we might never get to know our work colleagues. Why?

I used to belong to a Bunco group that fizzled out. I was ok with that because I felt I'd "done" the Bunco thing. I tried to join a new group a few years later, but it just didn't spark me. It didn't fuel me and make me want to get together with those women so I quit. And that's just fine. We can't be friends with everyone. My best friend refers to her friend circle as her "bus". When asked if she wanted to make new friends she said "no, my bus is full!" I've often used the bus analogy over the years. When I got divorced, and my friendships inevitably changed, I joked once that I drove my bus up a hill with emergency doors open and several former friends fell out. Because that's what it was like - people I had been close to just inexplicably dropped out of my life. At first it's a little alarming. But after a while, you realize it's ok. Because some friendships wax and wane and others are rock-solid for decades. Still others come and go and you pick up where you left off. Sometimes, you are left bewildered and hurt after a friend drops out of your life. But that's the way it is with friendships. They are dynamic things.

We all make excuses for why we're too busy or don't have enough time. But the truth is, we often have only one person to blame - and she's looking back at you from the mirror! My kids will tell me they didn't have time to finish their homework and I'll say "Well, you had the whole day to lay in front of the TV!". It's all about how you choose to spend your time. I figure if I have an hour to spend on Facebook, that's an hour I could have been working out, or completing a chore, or doing something else. But I don't feel guilty about it. Facebook is one of the ways I connect with friends and family. So, I'm ok with allowing myself my FB time. But not at the expense of never getting together with my girlfriends or planning a party or making food for a pack of hungry teenagers at my house.

I get that not everyone is fueled by being around people. We all like our alone time, too. Or our uninterrupted family time. I love those things as well! I'm ecstatic when I have a rare night (or weekend!) alone and I love nothing more than dinner time with the whole family. But I need my girlfriends too. The ones who have known me since I had my firstborn and the ones I've only just met. I'm always so recharged after going out with my girlfriends, even if it's just a short coffee visit or a bigger event. Talking, venting, commiserating, getting advice and a sympathetic ear - all of those things are so vital to busy women.

So, if you find yourself in the midst of a "friend drought" ask yourself if you can carve out time, even once a month, to connect. Book club, Bunco, drinks, dinner, movies, whatever it is that gives you some time to connect with your friends is vital. If you feel guilty about missing family dinners, go after dinner. Go after the kids are in bed! One late night with friends won't kill you. You'll be happy you did it. And if you find yourself "quitting" all the things you once enjoyed because you're too busy for yourself, then reevaluate. Your time is important, too. Use it wisely!