Still here..........

It's been ages since I blogged, and there are a myriad of reasons for it, but here's a little catch-up:

1. Harrison was supposed to perform in the junior high talent show this evening. He was going to sing and play the guitar. Instead we spent a couple of hours in the ER, because just before we needed to leave for the show, he developed a profuse nosebleed that stopped just long enough for us to get to the school, set up the video camera, tell everyone the dramatic story of his nosebleed, and then be informed by a random teenager that he was in the bathroom and needed us NOW. His nose had started bleeding again, and just stop reading this RIGHT NOW if you are squeamish at all, or don't like blood because I'm about to get very graphic. The sink was FULL of blood. We used up a whole roll of toilet paper sopping it up. Blood was coming out both nostrils in a stream. And huge clots that resembled leeches periodically slithered out his nose. I am not squeamish, but I think I gagged a little. And, being the mom, I had to clean up the mess and take him to the ER. So, where's my trophy? After a call to the nurse line at the hospital, we were advised to take him to the ER which we did, and it was a good thing we slipped in right before the rush because if we'd had to wait three hours for them to tape together two tongue depressors and make a pincher for his nose, I'd have been pissed. But that's exactly what they did. Super high-tech, yeah? They left it on his nose for a half hour, then he sat for another half hour to make sure it wasn't bleeding again. And then they booted us to the curb. Good times. Bonus: we got Dairy Queen on the way home!

2. That was my second trip to the ER in three weeks. Hannah spent an afternoon in the ER and then a week in the "IPU" at Children's Hospital for treatment for severe anxiety. I wrote a whole blog post about it and my computer froze up and it disappeared. I was on a roll and it was a damn good blog post if I do say so myself and I could never replicate it, but suffice it to say it was an emotionally-wrenching time, exhausting and time consuming, but overall it was a good experience and helpful. I'll write more about it in another blog post, when and if I can recreate the awesomeness of the one I lost.

3. Today at work, we had a fire alarm in the middle of calendar time, which put our already-on-the-edge kids in a frenzy and set off a day of craziness, which included screaming fits, crying (not me, the kids), and ended up with some blood. Not a great day for me, very stressful, and I spent a good deal of my time thinking about another line of work. On my way home, I spotted a group of kindergarten-aged children waiting for a bus. There were about ten of them, with one teacher, and they were holding hands and standing quietly in a semi-circle. And it struck me how that would never, could never, happen with my class. They just can't do the things other kids can.  And as frustrating as that it sometimes, I have to remember that they just CAN'T and it's not always because they won't - they are just different. And my job is very, very hard and very, very exhausting.

4. We've recently instituted some technology rules in our house - everyone has to "turn in" their technology at 10 p.m. and no one sleeps with a cell phone in their room or an iPad, iPod or other gadget that is distracting to sleep. This, as you might imagine, went over like a lead balloon, but I dare say everyone is sleeping better and it's showing. Radical, eh? Yesterday I accidentally left my phone at home. I realized it just as I was exiting the neighborhood and could easily have turned around but I decided to just spend part of the day "off the grid" and see what happened. And it was kind of nice not to be bothered at work, or feel the need to check my email or Facebook at stoplights, or write a note to myself in my phone (I used a post-it note). I was really too busy to care.

5. I went out with girlfriends twice this week and it made me remember why I need to take those kinds of breaks. We all need someone to talk to. And while our lives take different directions over time, I'm grateful for those friends who are eager to catch up, even if a long time has passed. Also, a longtime friend of mine declined yet another invitation so I opened up the chance for her to put our friendship to bed and she did. Not just me, but two other friends - the four of us have been friends since our first born children were infants.   And while I understood that she chose to focus on her new-found friends, I found it sad and a bit superficial that she didn't have time in her "busy" days to catch up with old friends. Which brought me back to an old thought - we are ALL busy, and we all have to decide how to budget our time, but I really treasure the friends who are not so wrapped up in themselves or their lives, no matter how challenging, that they still see the value of hanging with old friends, even if a long time passes between visits.

6. Research shows that working out before breakfast has many benefits, and also that lack of sleep can make you "fat" by increasing levels of cortisol in your body. I've been trying to work out, but I've also been staying up way too late, so some mornings I get out of bed and squeeze in 20 min of cardio before work, and some days I sleep till the last possible minute. I'm counting on it all balancing out, but I'm no fool. I caught a glimpse of myself in a dressing-room mirror today and I decided I resemble a cake pop - all round on top perched on a stick (no, my legs are hardly "sticks" but from the side I certainly have some proportional challenges). I mean, I like cake pops, so.....it's not all bad. But I'd rather resemble a slice of bacon - all curvy and hot. :)

7. I've been really frustrated by the cost of living lately, and the fact that we seem to run out of money between paychecks all the time, and that we live in this big metropolitan city with arts and entertainment galore and yet we can't afford it so it feel like being a kid in a candy shop with no access to the peanut butter cups. The treats are all around us, but we can't play. And it kind of pisses me off and puts me in a bad mood and makes me think how can I earn more money and could I work two jobs but then I remember I have these kids to take care of and they're kind of struggling right now, and so I need to be home as much as possible, so I can't work another job, so maybe we should just move somewhere more affordable, or somewhere where the entertainment is cheap, down-home and fun, and we could grow our own vegetables and churn our own butter and make handmade stuff and.....see how my thought process spirals? I just thought I'd treat you to it.

8. I LOVE Valentine's day, not because of the presents and chocolate but because I just love the color combo of pink, red and white. It's so cheery and fun! And I love hearts and want to plaster them everywhere. But as a holiday it kind of sucks because it's just too much pressure. Pressure if you're single and want to be dating, pressure if you're dating to get the perfect gift, pressure if you're the wife of a man who's really awesome at gift-giving but you suck at it.......or maybe that's just me. And then there are the kid gifts. Girls are so much easier - there are so many things you can give them for a Valentine's present - heart-shaped jewelry, clothing adorned with hearts......what do you get for boys? A candy bar with a heart wrapper? Yep. Boys get totally gypped on Valentine's Day. I think my kids will have to learn to love heart-shaped sugar cookies. Because I'm totally not buying into the whole commercial Valentine's day thing. Check back with me next week and see how I did. I'm such a sucker for cute.

9. I've recently been told that I set the tone for the household by my moods. And that when I'm stressed, the tension is in the air and everyone else gets tense. And that I try to control things too much. And I "freak out" when things don't go the way I want/expect them to. And while I acknowledge that most of that is probably true, I pointed out that I suffer from anxiety (as does everyone else in my family), I do the majority of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting four teenagers, and I'm going through early menopause which, I'm sure, is playing havoc with my hormones. I take my anxiety meds every day like a good girl. So, everyone is just really lucky I don't rip off someone's head each and every day. And after the last two years I've had with my kids, I think every day that ends with all four kids alive and well is a good day. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. I remember thinking having a toddler who never slept was torture and I thought I'd die from lack of sleep. I'm laughing so hard now. Parents of kids under 13 take note: it gets SO MUCH HARDER! Your kids will turn into these really awesome beings who are talented and funny and with whom you really enjoy hanging out, but they will rip your heart to shreds in a millisecond. And don't you forget it.

10. I stayed up too late again. Story of my life.But no worries - because tomorrow I am going to rise early and work out. I will be on time to work. I will have a great day with cooperative kids who control themselves. I will come home and cook a delicious meal for my family. We will have a drama-free night and everyone will go to bed on time. I hope you enjoyed your bedtime story!

How easily forgotten.........

Recent happenings have caused me to ponder how easily we forget people. Not our loved ones who have passed on - surely we remember them from time to time with fond memories. What I'm noticing is how easily we forget people in our lives due to a change in circumstances. For instance, in past years, friends I've had from my neighborhood have moved - not out of state but to a nearby neighborhood - but they might as well be out of the state, or the country for that matter, for all I've seen them since. People who spent weekends at my home, enjoying a party or a game night, have dropped out of my life completely as soon as they moved a few blocks away.

Within the past year, my daughter has moved from her high school to a homeschooling program due to health issues. And slowly her friends have faded from her life. There is an occasional invite to a girls' night or gathering, but more often than not, she's forgotten. The downside of social media is that it's not too hard to know what all your friends are doing when they post their every move on Facebook. So, it's easy to see the events you haven't been invited to. And it's all the more distressing when you know those same people have been more than happy to spend their time at your home, taking advantage of your hospitality and rarely, if ever, reciprocating.

I think it's just a lack of manners today. I've noticed this type of "take but not give" mentality overtaking our society. I cannot count the times a parent has been more than happy to drop their child off at my house for a long playdate, but never reciprocated. Even now, as teens, my kids' friends' parents seem to think we're the daycare/carpool/eating establishment for their children. I love to welcome my kids friends (and my own friends) into my home, but when that invitation is rarely extended by others, it doesn't feel very encouraging.

Recently I drove carpool for a week to an event my children were involved in. I picked up two teens who needed rides. Only later in the week did I find out their parents were not only home, but available to drive, they just didn't want to! These parents did not offer gas money or any other compensation for me to drive their children (neither of whom I had met previous to the carpool arrangement). I felt they could have at least offered to take one day each in exchange for me driving the other days. My husband and I are very generous about giving rides home to our kids' friends, but when it becomes an expectation, it makes you feel taken advantage of and the result is that you simply do not want to extend the generosity anymore. Which is sad, because that's the very problem I'm talking about. People are not very generous with their time and hospitality these days.

I understand that we're all busy and have jobs and families to take care of. But I also know it's not that hard to extend some common courtesies. The sad truth is, I think people just "forget". I'm certain most people would love to catch up more, have more fun with their friends, celebrate the good times. But we get so wrapped up in ourselves, we rarely look around us or think about others. Our best intentions are just that - intentions. It reminds me of a quote I read recently "a goal without a plan is just a wish". This is so true - we can talk it up all we want, but until someone springs into action, it's just talk.

It breaks my heart when I hear my kids talking to their friends and making grandiose plans for the summer. "We're totally going on a road trip!" or "We are having sleepovers EVERY weekend!" And I know those things won't happen unless someone plans them. It's all well and good when school is ending and summer is looming, long and luxurious and unscheduled, and the next thing you know, you realize summer is impossibly short and you never went on that road trip or had that sleepover or got that awesome tan.

In my family, we do plan. Most of that planning falls on my shoulders, but I've had enough experience to know that if I don't plan it, no one will. And the thing is, I WANT to have fun. I WANT to socialize. I WANT to celebrate. So, I do. And I won't stop doing it just because others are too wrapped up in their own lives to include me or my children in theirs.

But I'd like to see more people take some initiative when it comes to including their friends. That friend you always say you're going to have lunch with? Make those plans today. That spontaneous gathering? Don't forget that neighbor or friend just down the street who might also enjoy it. And when you think back on all those people you "used" to be friends with, try to remember why you're not friends anymore. If you had a falling out, perhaps you can revisit your friendship now that time has passed. If you just forgot about them as you moved on, perhaps you can remember that they were once there for you unconditionally. It's ok if you've let friends go for other reasons. We can't all stay friends forever. But you might be surprised that the friends you "used" to know could still be the same trusted, loyal friends they once were before you let the slip from your circle. Don't forget.

Friends....

I got to thinking the other day about friends. We all have them. Some more than others. And I wondered about quantity versus quality of friends.

I read my Facebook posts and see some of my female friends posting about big-bash birthday parties, and trips to Cabo with girlfriends and I sometimes wish to be a part of one of those "big group" friend circles, where gathering everyone up takes a banquet room. Where celebrations are over-the-top and families go on vacation together.

And while I have many, many acquaintances, my "friend" group is much smaller. So, what makes a true friend? In my opinion, it's a person who reaches out to you as much as you reach out to her. Someone who is truly interested and concerned about your life, love, family and career, who will be there for you when the chips are down, who makes an effort to include you in special events.

Granted, in our "always busy" day and age, few of us have time to cultivate real friendships. Gone are the days where women spent the majority of their time in the company of other women raising children and taking care of families. Now we have the family part, along with careers, multiple obligations, and the everyday pressures to be successful in multiple areas.

Still. That does not exclude the seemingly simple things like meeting for coffee or celebrating a birthday lunch. I am grateful for the friends I do have who don't forget those things. And I have friends who I don't see but a few times a year, who are still true friends in my book, because we connect in other ways - Facebook, email, text conversations. I love a friend that is a constant -someone who, even after long stretches of absence in your life, can fall back in and reconnect as if no time had passed at all.

I also love new friends. I had a pen pal for years whom I've never met, but who, if I ever got the chance, would be a great new friend, I'm certain. Sometimes, a Facebook comment leads to an invitation to coffee, and a new friend is made. We women have a quick way of connecting and my husband has often marveled at how someone I've never met can suddenly fall into a seamless conversation and comfortable presence after only a few minutes. I always tell him "a woman can meet someone in the ladies room and come out best friends." It's just the way we are - we connect.

Then, there are some friends, who with the prevalence of social networking, can become friends we connect with daily and never meet. And while those people may not fit our traditional definition of friendship, they serve a purpose and meaningful relationships can be forged. I'm still a die-hard fan of face time, but it's nice to know there's another woman up at 3 a.m. to "talk" to when you can't sleep.

I think most of us get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to connect with our friends in more traditional ways. We send e-cards instead of meeting for lunch to celebrate birthdays, or we limit our "time" together to chatting on the sidelines of a soccer game, or a brief text now and then. I admire the girlfriend groups who have a yearly girl's only trip, or meet monthly for cocktails and conversation.

When my kids were little, and I was swamped with mommy stuff with seemingly "no time" for social outlets, I often joined a monthly group - Bunco, book club, mom's night out - to satisfy that girlfriend connect time. That worked for a long time, but as my kids got older, I found those things fading away as we all became busier in our kids' lives.

But if we're so wrapped up in our kids' lives, what happens to us? How do we rediscover and remember who  WE are? I have friends and relatives who are fully ensconced in club sports. It consumes all of their discretionary time to the exclusion of social interactions (with the exception of the other parents in the club sports), vacations, and pretty much anything else. Other friends are so wrapped up in their kids other activities, that they spend the majority of their time driving them to practices and rehearsals. And the people we spend that time with become our friends. But when the activity ceases, do the friendships? Some last, others fade away as we go through different stages in our lives.

I love it when I meet people who have been friends for years and years. To be in your sixties, and still connect regularly with your best friend you've known since age five - what a beautiful testimonial to true and lasting friendship. My guess is those two friends have drifted in and out of each other's lives for decades, weathering motherhood, marriage, divorce, death....all manner of joy and pain. And, in the end, they are still there for each other, a rock of stability that even other solid relationships such as marriage and parenthood can't crumble.

So, who are your "true" friends? Who are your new friends? What does friendship mean to you?

Too busy for yourself?

Yesterday I visited with a friend for lunch and another friend for dinner. And it was a very enjoyable day/evening! I love going out with friends and just catching up. Our lives are so busy, we barely have time to connect anymore, but even an hour-long coffee date or an hours-long dinner makes such a difference. For busy moms, it's our networking. Busy professionals go to seminars and meet-ups to connect with other people in their profession. Moms do the same - only our meet-ups might be in a yoga class, or at the grocery store, or at happy hour at 9 p.m. because that's when we finally got a minute to escape. No matter what our professions - working moms, "stay-at-home" moms, part-timers, we all need to network and connect with other women, especially our friends who have been in and out of our lives for a minute or decades.

That's why I find is so hard to believe that we can't seem to find time for each other. Or we cancel at the last minute. Or we reschedule so many times it's just not worth the effort. Recently, my book club went kaput. Everyone claimed "too busy". I get it. I sometimes have days where literally ALL of my time not spent sleeping is dedicated to someone else - a child, work, a husband, volunteering. But the truth is, not EVERY day is like that. It might seem like it, when days in a row, I have absolutely no discretionary time, but the truth is, if you're so busy you can't spare an hour to connect with your "network" then something is seriously out of whack.

I get it if you belong to a Bunco group, a book club, a church bible study, and also volunteer at your kids' school, while holding down a full-time job. You're busy! But what about YOU? What about the things that feed your soul and recharge you. My husband is fond of the saying "sharpen the saw". This means if you don't sharpen your saw blade (the things that make you happy), the saw will get dull and not be of much use anymore. Same with us - if we don't recharge from time to time, we get dull and boring. Your kids know it, your husband knows it, and your friends wonder where you've been all this time.

I wonder if our "too busy" is not just that we, as moms, wives, mothers, don't just sacrifice all of our personal joys in order to serve someone else. I know I do. I've never gone on a mom's only weekend save for one time spent overnight at a hotel 20 minutes from my house with good friends. I know plenty of moms who regularly indulge in Vegas weekends or a trip to wine country with a group of girlfriends. Lack of money to indulge in trips that involve airfare has kept me from considering that, and many may share my concern, but there are plenty of other ways to connect with other women that don't involve an overnight stay or matching luggage.

Take book club, for example. Once a month meetings. Read a book in between. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, I guess not. I only missed book club when I was out of town. I always read the book, save for one or two over several years. But more often than not, several members would be missing at each meeting and half of those there had never read the book. Sure, some were just there to socialize and that's fine. So, why not call it a girls' night and skip the book and discussion? That's ok, too. We often seem to need some "justification" for getting together with other women. An organized event seems to need to be taking place for it to seem legit. Why? Remember knocking on the neighbor's door and asking "can you play?" Why can't we just do that now? Just ask our friends over to "play"? We're so worried about hosting events that we simply don't have them. I don't get that. I'm fine if you want to come to my house and just hang out. Bring some food and drink and we'll have a grand old time just talking and laughing it up.

I guess I just find it hard to believe that once every thirty days or so, we cannot seem to find time to connect with our friends. I recently went out on a Thursday night to dinner with two friends. We met at 7 at a restaurant close to our homes. We were out of there before 9 because "Gray's Anatomy" was coming on. Even though I wasn't watching the show, I appreciated that 1. We got together...and 2. That my friends were smart enough to carve out two hours for dinner and still go home to watch their favorite show in their jammies. It was easy and we connected. We had a good time and no one had to miss their favorite show.

In my family, we tend to be the do-ers, the organizers, the inviters. Everyone comes to our house for events and non-events alike. I'm happy that my house is a gathering place and that people feel comfortable here. But I'm always amazed at how, year after year, we seem to do all the inviting, hosting and organizing and rarely does anyone reciprocate. I can't remember the last time we were invited to dinner or a party at someone's house. We always have a large turnout whether it's a teens' movie night or a Halloween party or birthday. But out of all those people who have enjoyed our home and hospitality, it's rarely reciprocated.

I don't blame or resent. I won't change the way we do things because we all love to connect with friends and have a good time. But I wonder.....why do people shy away from getting together? We're so cocooned in our own lives that we often seem to live in separate little cells protected from the world - together, yet separate. We might live in a neighborhood but not know the neighbors. Or we might never get to know our work colleagues. Why?

I used to belong to a Bunco group that fizzled out. I was ok with that because I felt I'd "done" the Bunco thing. I tried to join a new group a few years later, but it just didn't spark me. It didn't fuel me and make me want to get together with those women so I quit. And that's just fine. We can't be friends with everyone. My best friend refers to her friend circle as her "bus". When asked if she wanted to make new friends she said "no, my bus is full!" I've often used the bus analogy over the years. When I got divorced, and my friendships inevitably changed, I joked once that I drove my bus up a hill with emergency doors open and several former friends fell out. Because that's what it was like - people I had been close to just inexplicably dropped out of my life. At first it's a little alarming. But after a while, you realize it's ok. Because some friendships wax and wane and others are rock-solid for decades. Still others come and go and you pick up where you left off. Sometimes, you are left bewildered and hurt after a friend drops out of your life. But that's the way it is with friendships. They are dynamic things.

We all make excuses for why we're too busy or don't have enough time. But the truth is, we often have only one person to blame - and she's looking back at you from the mirror! My kids will tell me they didn't have time to finish their homework and I'll say "Well, you had the whole day to lay in front of the TV!". It's all about how you choose to spend your time. I figure if I have an hour to spend on Facebook, that's an hour I could have been working out, or completing a chore, or doing something else. But I don't feel guilty about it. Facebook is one of the ways I connect with friends and family. So, I'm ok with allowing myself my FB time. But not at the expense of never getting together with my girlfriends or planning a party or making food for a pack of hungry teenagers at my house.

I get that not everyone is fueled by being around people. We all like our alone time, too. Or our uninterrupted family time. I love those things as well! I'm ecstatic when I have a rare night (or weekend!) alone and I love nothing more than dinner time with the whole family. But I need my girlfriends too. The ones who have known me since I had my firstborn and the ones I've only just met. I'm always so recharged after going out with my girlfriends, even if it's just a short coffee visit or a bigger event. Talking, venting, commiserating, getting advice and a sympathetic ear - all of those things are so vital to busy women.

So, if you find yourself in the midst of a "friend drought" ask yourself if you can carve out time, even once a month, to connect. Book club, Bunco, drinks, dinner, movies, whatever it is that gives you some time to connect with your friends is vital. If you feel guilty about missing family dinners, go after dinner. Go after the kids are in bed! One late night with friends won't kill you. You'll be happy you did it. And if you find yourself "quitting" all the things you once enjoyed because you're too busy for yourself, then reevaluate. Your time is important, too. Use it wisely!