When it gets quiet..........

I just read a Facebook post from a neighbor saying she had a bunch of kids over and her house was loud. And then it got quiet. And it reminded me of the times MY house "got quiet" when kids were over. As any mom knows, quiet is a dangerous thing. If your kids are screaming and romping around and you're reaching for the Advil, that's a good thing. At least you know where they are and what they're up to. I remember telling my kids when they were younger that they could "explore" the woods as long as I could still hear their voices. Long after their little tow-heads disappeared bobbing through the brush, I could hear their chatter and I felt secure knowing they were within screaming distance should a wayward coyote or extra-large raccoon cross their path.

Once, when my son was three, I was babysitting a neighbor boy, age four.  I became aware, somewhere between doing a million chores, taking advantage of the free entertainment for my toddler, that things had become very quiet. I went to investigate, and found my son and his friend completely covered, head-to-toe, in shaving cream! In addition, they had emptied the remains of the shaving cream bottle into the heat register in the bathroom. At first I froze, and then I said "don't move!" while I grabbed the camera. But the neighbor boy started crying, afraid he was in trouble, so I had to put the camera down and attend to the tears and the mess. My older kids arrived home in the middle of this and we all got a good laugh out of it (well, they weren't laughing when I asked them to clean out the heat register - I need a long, skinny arm to reach all the way down as far as the boys had foamed it!).

Another time my son and two friends were playing. They were getting along so well, I barely noticed they were around.......until.......the dreaded quiet kicked in and I rushed to find the source. I was especially panicked this time because when I went to the bedroom where they were playing, they were nowhere to be found! But I heard giggling and opened up the closet. There sat three little sneaks, with a bottle of Tums, and each of them had suspicious, chalky substance around their mouths. I'm not sure how many they ate, but all I kept thinking was thank God it was just Tums!

When my daughter was in preschool she had a "playdate" with another child and a good friend after school. My friend and I enjoyed the afternoon kid-free and returned a few hours later to collect our offspring. Nothing seemed amiss until several hours later when my friend called me. "Have you given Hannah a bath yet?" she asked. "Um, no.....why?" I replied. "Well," she said, "you might want to strip her down!" I lifted Hannah's shirt and her entire stomach was blue. Indelible, Magic Marker blue to be exact! Apparently the girls had acquired a marker and used it to draw all over each others' bodies (but, cleverly, only where clothing concealed it). Same with the arms and legs - completely covered in blue scribbles! That one took DAYS, and  many baths, to get rid of.

When my oldest daughter was a pre-teen, she had a friend over to "do makeovers". The friend left with swollen red eyes. Let me explain. In an effort to look "really pretty" my daughter had mistaken gold sparkly nail polish for eyeshadow and painted her friend's eyes. When we discovered the mistake, we attempted to remove it with polish remover, and, well.......let's just say her friend had very sensitive skin. That was fun to explain to her mom.

Once, when my son was home with me in his preschool years, he was playing by himself in his room and I was enjoying the rare peace that comes with NOT having a small child glued to my leg. It got very quiet so I went to check it out and found him asleep on the toilet, folded in half, chest on his legs and balancing precariously on the porcelain throne. Did I rush to save him from what would have been a painful (and shocking) fall? I did not. I grabbed my camera and now have, in my possession, a treasure to share with his future girlfriends, or perhaps include in a photo montage at his wedding.

Not too long ago, I was going through some old videos in an attempt to make sense of the miles of VHS tape we have documenting our children's young lives, when I came across a whole series of newscasts filmed in my  eldest child's bedroom and starring each of my kids as reporter, meteorologist, field reporter, and the like. They had even set up a "news desk" and made signs. I have no idea when this happened. Obviously once when it was very, very quiet.

So, beware, parents! Your kids have secret lives! That, or we're just really clueless. But, if by chance things become really quiet in the midst of chaos, you should probably check it out. It might be the photo op of the decade!

Things they are a'changin'............

Today, for some reason, I was driving along, thinking of making smoothies for my kids for breakfast. Not today. No, I was thinking about the school year and how I could get them to eat something nutritious before school and I thought of smoothies. And then I realized that they are teenagers and no teen in their right mind ever wants to eat ANYTHING before school, and besides, was I really going to get up every day and make them smoothies when I could be sleeping? No freakin' way! See, at times I do fantasize about being a perfect mother but I embrace mediocrity at all costs.............

Anyway. It suddenly occurred to me, with one of those gripping "Holy Shit!" moments that, even if I were to embrace the good mommy fantasy and actually make my children a smoothie for breakfast, I will not be making ANY type of breakfast for my eldest child. Because she will be going away to college! And furthermore, she won't be here for dinner either! Waahhhh!!! I mean, it's not like I didn't know this. I've known for a good, long, time that she's headed off to college in a few short weeks. But, like all parenting moments, occasionally you clutch your gut in pain from the imaginary blow that is the realization that you actually have to let your kids GO.

I remember saying to a friend once that sending my baby to first grade was like "feeding her to the lions". Just throwing her to the unknown, the big, bad world, to face people from all walks of life....how could I DO that? But I did. When my son, my youngest, was in preschool, he cried every single day. I left the preschool crying at times, once I even had a mini panic attack, and wanted to rush back, collect him from the evil world of Legos and rice tables, and hide both of us under a blanket at home. Like I said, I panicked. But I didn't go collect him. I let him work it out. Just like every other situation my kids have faced.

Last night my 13 year old came home from cheer practice bruised and battered from being dropped too many times. You see, she's a "flyer" which means she's the tiny girl who gets tossed in the air and (hopefully) caught by her teammates. But they dropped her. Over and over. So, she came home with a bruised tailbone, ribs and wrists and was in a state of highly charged anxiety over the whole thing. Of course, my first thought was to pull her out of this obviously dangerous and crazy sport and hide her under a blanket at home. But instead, she texted her coach with her concerns and things started to look up. What maturity! What grace! And I didn't even have to go all "mommy" on anyone.

Today my eldest is at work for a ten hour shift and she's sick. She feels horrible, nauseated and just plain worn out. She called me and texted me several times, but the thing is, this isn't high school. I can't write her a note or go pick up her from the nurse's office. She has to deal with it on her own. I offered to bring over some Tums, and suggested she eat something, but in the end, it's really between her and the boss whether she gets to take a "sick day" or not. Of course I wanted to bring her home and tuck her into bed and feed her chicken noodle soup. But.....that's not my job any more. Well, it IS. Just not all the time.

Last night we had a discussion, my college-bound daughter and I. She said her boss could keep her on staff and when she returned home on weekends or for school breaks, she could pick up a few shifts here and there. I said "OR....you could just stay home and earn the same degree from your college's branch campus which is right down the road" to which she replied "No, mommy, it's time to let me spread my wings and fly". To which I replied "It's much cheaper to clip them!" Sigh. She's right. So am I.

Graduations and the like..............

So, it's happened. My oldest child has graduated. Today was her first real day of being an adult. So, I figured it was a good day to break her into the joys of adulthood (haha), which was made even easier for me by my other three children's complete disregard for things like alarm clocks and being on time. All three woke up late with a variety of excuses and were late for school. So, Hayley got to drive first Hannah to the high school, then Harrison to the elementary school and finally Arlie to the junior high school (yes, I know it's out of order, that's how late Arlie was). I was understandably very annoyed by this turn of events seeing as I had awakened at 4 a.m. with a migraine hangover and fallen back to sleep at 6 but still managed to get myself up and running in time for work. The final straw was my inability to find my tweezers, which made me get very angry and want to move away to my own house, or even a small hollow in a hillside - anywhere people would keep their grubby paws off my shit. But I digress. At any rate, Hayley and I debated on whether to write excuse notes for the aforementioned tardy children. I said no. She said yes. She said if I just wrote the notes, it would "make everything better" and I said well, guess what, when you're an adult no one "makes it all better" so no notes. She said the consequences might be humiliating. I said that's why they're effective. And on and on.

Later in the day, Hayley had to get her own prescription refilled, made her own doctor's appointment, and then picked up dinner (frozen pizza). Of course, this was financed by MY debit card which she conveniently "forgot" to return to my wallet last night so that when I was rushing to work after the whole "tardy child" fiasco, and had no time for breakfast, or time to make my lunch for that matter, I found myself with no cash or debit card at the coffee stand where I was attempting to purchase a mocha, a muffin and a bagel for lunch (carbalicious?). Thankfully they accepted my credit card.

Lucky for Hayley, she immediately got a job after graduation. I offered her $5 a day to make lunches for the kids (and me). She should make a grand total of $25 before the school year is over - big bucks! Anyway, her first day on the job she left an entire package of bologna out on the counter overnight which had to be thrown away. I figure by the time I take it out of her wages, she'll net about $1.43.

This evening I reminded her she needed to do the dishes in order to get dinner going. So she unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and put the pizzas in the oven. I asked her to do something else and she retorted "Give me a break, I'm doing everything here!" and I said "welcome to adulthood!"

I just hope she has the tools to make it in the world. As a mom, I've done all I can to teach her the really important things in life like shopping first from the clearance rack and how to make perfect chocolate frosting. But this is a child who asked to borrow my deodorant because she couldn't "find" hers and has "forgotten" to bring the milk in from the delivery cooler until Thursday when the delivery is on Monday. She's not above pulling her favorite shirt out of the dirty laundry to wear or "losing" her keys for days, only to have ME find them under the covers on her bed.

I'm not sure if it's the relief from being free of high school, or if it was just a particularly good weekend, but last night she was in a good mood and made an effort to go to Arlie's room and give her a good night hug. As soon as she retreated down the stairs, Arlie came to my room and said "This niceness is creeping me out! Who took Hayley?" Is it a sign of maturity? One can hope.

So, I can only offer up some sage advice on this, the occasion of graduation and becoming an adult, to my daughter, and all you youngsters just making your way into the world. Here's what I know:
- Sometimes really crappy stuff will happen. You'll feel horrible and won't be able to imagine a.) how anything more horrible can ever happen and b.) how you will ever get through it. The answers to those two are a.) it can and b.) you will.
- Keep jumper cables in your car and never let your gas go below a quarter of a tank.
- Always have a snack and a drink handy. You just never know, and it sucks to be starving or parched, especially when you're out of cash.
- If hanging out with someone makes you feel tired, annoyed or drains you of energy, move on. Life is too short to have people suck the life out of you.
- If you think you're in love with someone, or you're sure he/she is "the one" ask yourself this: do they ever make you feel worthless? Do they make you a priority? Do you feel safe? If the answers are yes, no and no, move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. Really, there are!
- Learn how to cook a decent meal. Start with lasagna, salad and garlic bread. It's easy and feeds a crowd. Find a good recipe or have someone teach you. A home-cooked meal will kick the crap out of a restaurant meal and it's cheaper.
- Don't buy anything unless it's on sale or you have a coupon. EVERYTHING goes on sale eventually.
- Keep your space clean. Whether it's half a dorm room or your first apartment, take some pride in your space and keep it neat. It will make you feel better and you'll always be ready for visitors.
- Speaking of visitors, have them often. Stay socially involved, and not just online. Have face-to-face time with your best friends, and make new friends everywhere you go.
- If you receive a gift, send a thank-you note. It's not old-fashioned, it's decent manners. Everyone appreciates it.
- Find a worthy cause to volunteer. Whether it's a small amount of money or a sliver of your time, help someone out on a regular basis.
- If you take medication, do it diligently. Take care of your health. It's your most valuable asset.
- Wear sunscreen and take a multivitamin!
- Exercise! Even if you hate it, you need it and it doesn't have to be torture. Take a walk, take the stairs, no need for a pricey gym (but if you have a free workout room at college or your apartment, take advantage of it!)
- Work. Get a job, part-time, full-time whatever. If you're going to school, still work part-time. The experience will be invaluable and everyone needs to earn their own money, even if mom and dad are providing a full ride.
- If your parents have provided you with a college education, do not take it for granted. Get good grades and thank them every chance you get.
- Remember that you have no one to blame but yourself if you make bad choices. You have the power to choose between right and wrong every day so do it right.
- Every once in a while stay in your jammies and have a lazy day. Just not EVERY day.
- Eat your fruits and veggies!
- Remember that the days of you being the center of the universe are OVER. Time to put others before yourself sometimes.
- And finally, try to laugh every day. Remember that the worst is rarely the worst and whatever happens, you WILL grow through it and over it and life will go on. Keep a sense of humor about you at all times and don't take life too seriously. No one gets out of it alive! :)

I love you, Hayley! On to bigger and better things!!