The one where the mom loses her mind.........

Today was Jeff's 44th birthday. It snuck up on me - I couldn't believe it was July already! I had ordered him some backpacking/hunting type things as gifts, only one of which arrived in time for his actual birthday morning. I picked up double chocolate muffins the night before, because in our house, the "birthday fairy" (me) decorates the table and puts up balloons and puts your gifts on the table so it's the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning. So, I had to scramble a bit because I didn't plan ahead. But all was well, and the birthday morning went off without a hitch (even though it was just the two of us, because no one else could be bothered to get up that early to say happy birthday).

Then, came the party part. We invited over our two best neighbor friend/couples for appetizers, drinks and cupcakes. I had planned what I'd make, purchased (most of) the ingredients, and had a plan for getting the house cleaned for the party. That "plan" included the kids, as it should have, since they LIVE here and should be helping out anyway, right? Wrong. I asked Hannah to vacuum. For four hours. Over and over I asked and reminded and finally said "I need your help now". All of which were met with grumbling, whining, "just a sec" and other avoidance techniques. When she finally did make motions to do it, it was not without grumbling about being "the only one" who "ever" does anything. And I lost it.

A blogger friend of mine said "even Superman had his kryptonite" and I guess this was mine. I am sick to DEATH of my kids whining, grumbling, eye-rolling, debating, tantruming, etc. when they are asked to simply contribute to the household chores. I've held hour-long debates about why someone shouldn't have to vacuum the upstairs (which takes 15 minutes, tops). I've been called nasty names and accused of being "OCD", "you care too much what other people think", "maybe if you didn't yell at us, we'd do it" all over asking for the garbage to be taken out or the dishes to be done. I'd like to qualify this by saying my house is NOT picture-perfect and never will be. My standards are very relaxed. I don't ask much, but what I do ask is ALWAYS met with negativity. And I'm just DONE.

Nasty words flew from both of our mouths. Things neither of us should have said, and all over a simple request to vacuum. What a sad, sad example of how things roll around here. In the end, she retreated, I vacuumed, and did ALL of the other cleaning, party prep, household chores. Needless to say, nothing was ready when the guests arrived and my girlfriends ended up helping me get things finished off. Definitely not the way I planned for the day to go. Especially the part where Jeff arrived home early to a kitchen in disarray, the bedding in the wash, and all he wanted to do was come home early and take a nap. I had planned to have a clean bed, planned to be a lot farther along in the food prep process, planned to NOT be in yoga pants and a sweaty shirt, not showered, at 4 p.m. I had not planned to reach my breaking point when I got the final whine about vacuuming.

This evening, after scrambling to find sheets for the bed (flannel, that's all I had clean!), I told Jeff I could not imagine making such a production over chores when I was younger. He said "what's the difference?" to which I could only reply "my mom would have smacked me!" Now, I don't want to debate corporal punishment here, but I'm sure the threat of being smacked was not the only motivator. I just knew that some things were not debatable. And chores were one of those things. Not to mention I would have NEVER called my mom the names my daughter called me. Would my mom have called me the names I called her? Probably. The bottom line is that my mom would NOT have put up with that kind of behavior, and I knew better than to cross the line. With my kids, it appears there are no lines.

I've modeled the behavior I expect. We have rules and chore lists - both of which seem to be ignored more often than not. Which makes me the constant enforcer. The drill sergeant. And I'm so sick of it. I honestly do not understand 1. why anyone would want to live in filth, 2. why it's such a big deal to spend a few minutes each day picking up after yourself and doing some chores for the good of the household and 3. why all the rules seem to be "negotiable". I stick to my guns. I dole out punishments when warranted. I put up chore charts, I remind, I nag, I ignore, I leave things on the floor for days hoping someone will notice and pick it up but no one ever does.

The kids share a bathroom and it's filthy. Not just cluttered, because it's certainly that, but it's disgusting. Towels stacked five feet high tower in the laundry basket, and the floor is covered with a layer of clothing (rule: no leaving your clothing in the bathroom), and more towels. The counter is covered in cosmetics, bottles, toothbrushes, smears of toothpaste. Hayley leaves her contact wrappers all over the countertop. No one ever puts the toilet paper ON the roll. Perhaps the effort of unwrapping the paper is just too much and putting it on the very difficult contraption called the toilet paper holder is impossible for their minds to grasp? The shower walls are covered in hair. How hard is it to just rinse that away after your shower? Arlie complains about it all the time and doesn't even want to shower in that bathroom. I don't blame her. I wouldn't.

We have a rule of no eating in the family room. Yet today I found three pop cans, two bowls, various plastic wrappers, a spoon and a plastic take-out container in there. There is no way in the world I have time to police who the offender is. And no one would 'fess up to it in a million years.

When the toilet is clogged, "no one" ever did it. Instead of plunging it, they will use another bathroom and ignore the clogged toilet for days, unless I happen upon it and fix the problem. They've all been taught basic plunger techniques so there's really no excuse. Dog messes will remain "unseen" until I notice it and then it's as if I've asked them to cut off an arm when I demand they clean it.

Our dishes rule is "rinse and put in the left side of the sink". They're not even required to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, for cryin' out loud, and do you think they can follow that rinse and to the left rule? Not a chance. Some days, Jeff refuses to cook because he can't get to the sink for all the dishes piled on both sides. Bedrooms floors are covered in clothing that is sometimes clean, sometimes not. I've actually seen them dump baskets of clean clothes on the floor because I demanded they return the baskets to the laundry room. The clothes lay in a heap so long they can no longer tell which are clean and which are dirty so they will just rewash them. And dump them back on the floor.

I wash, dry and fold the towels. I only ask that they bring the dirty towels into the proper receptacle in the laundry room. They don't. I wash the ones I use and put them neatly in the linen closet. When they have exhausted that supply, they reach for beach towels. When those are gone, they use hand towels and complain that there are "no towels" clean. Back to that five-foot pile of towels in their bathroom. All they have to do is move them a few feet and they could be washed, dried, folded and put away by ME. What service!

The kids do their own laundry. Which means they don't do it. And here is where I admit a huge mistake - buying them clothing. I have bought them way too many clothes, because they can go weeks without washing and still have things to wear. And when they run out, they've been known to just pilfer out of the parents' closet. Without permission.

It makes my kids very angry when I say this, but the truth is, Arlie is the only one who consistently follows the chore list and the rules. She does her chores not because she loves to do chores, but because she enjoys a clean living space. And because it's a requirement of our household. No questions. So, why can one child do it and not three others? Priorities and choices. My three spend almost all day in front of a screen, so I know they have plenty of time to keep things neat, follow the rules, and contribute to a tidy household. They just choose not to. It's summer and they have very few obligations, but they spend a good portion of each day sleeping, laying around, and eating. They rarely go outside. They never exercise. Any attempt to "force" these issues is met with World War 3. Screaming, dramatics, long, drawn-out missives on why they can't do it. It's utterly exhausting.

So, I would like to know - what chores do your kids do? What are the consequences to not doing the chores? How is it policed? Because I am sick of hearing the whining and excuses. It should not be such a debate or such a big deal. Certainly a simple request to do a simple chore should not result in the screaming match that greeted my husband when he arrived home early on his birthday. Is it really too much to ask? What I do know is this: I need a vacation. I suggested today that my three kids should spend the next week at their dad's. Let him see how lazy they are. Not that it would make any difference, because a week is barely enough time for the novelty to wear off. And getting the girls to spend a week there would be like pulling teeth,. Plus, it would be vacation, not a lesson. So, what's the point, really?

All I wanted was for today to be a fun birthday celebration for Jeff. We did have fun, and laughs, when all was said and done, but the stress I went through just to try and do it all myself with no help from anyone else was NOT worth it for me. Next year, we'll just go out to dinner like everyone else. Parties and gatherings used to be our "thing". We were the "fun house". But the effort required to host is just too much for one person, so I'm hanging up my hat, until someone else decides to come forward and help just for the sake of being part of a family. Isn't that what it's really all about? Helping others just because it's the right thing to do? How does that lesson get taught? Where am I going wrong?

Summer Vacation - Day Seven

So far this summer is turning out to be a bust. For one thing, the weather sucks. Rainy, grey, drizzly - kind of like most of the rest of the year around Seattle! :) No big surprise, really, since our "summer" weather often doesn't start until after the 4th of July (and we are usually guaranteed a drizzly 4th as well). But, with a lack of lots of summer plans, it just feels like the rest of the year, only I'm off work.

Sure, you say, who would complain about that? I'm not - I LOVE having this time off. But, usually our summer is packed with camping trips, road trips, VBS, day camp, and lots of day trips and adventures. For some reason, this year, we just don't have too many plans. One road trip, day camp for two of the kids, a trip to CA for another, a summer job for the oldest. Tomorrow is Jeff's birthday, then the 4th, then Hayley's birthday following right after. It's a big birthday week! And we have small plans. A little get-together for Jeff, absolutely no plans for the 4th, and nothing as of yet for Hayley, since she's undecided.

Gone are the days when I spent weeks planning a fun summer birthday party for my oldest girl. Princesses and pink and fancy themes defined each and every birthday. But even that fizzles out over time in favor of more grown-up pursuits. It drove me nuts to walk past the 4th of July displays in the craft store yesterday knowing that I have not even put up a single patriotic decoration around the house, nor do I have anywhere to take that cool patriotic fruit platter I saw on Pinterest.

This time is golden - all those times during the school year when I was up to my eyeballs in busy, when I wished I had just an hour to organize my photos, or scrapbook, or craft, or clean the bathroom properly, or write a book, or hone my photography skills - this is that time I wished for! And yet, now that I'm blessed with hours upon hours of unscheduled time, I find myself scrambling to get motivated; to decide how to spend it, to maximize it because I know it's finite.

Gone are the summers when I had a passel of kids to care for, and I made homemade popsicles in Tupperware molds, and carefully planned an outing to a beach or park each day. Now it's like pulling teeth to get my teenagers up before the crack of noon, much less motivated or excited to do anything planned or structured or requiring the energy to actually put clothing and sunscreen on. Not that we really need the sunscreen.......oh yeah, we covered that already.

So, I find myself wanting to just do things for me - do what I like and what I want, when I want it. And yet, I still find myself limiting my "wants" and using "kids" as an excuse, as though by simply being a mother I am somehow limited. Oh, sure, it's not like I have the time and money to jet off to some tropical locale, or sit in a villa in Italy eating pasta, or take a spiritual journey to a peaceful country where I wander barefoot wearing gauzy dresses. But that doesn't mean I can't browse the shopping center I never get a chance to go to, or go see an outdoor concert that sounds interesting, or take advantage of an online discount ticket to a show I've been wanting to see.

Still, I hesitate. Because I want to share these things - with my husband, with my kids, with a friend. With someone. I like being alone, but I don't like doing things alone. I find I spend all my time thinking "the kids would love this" or "Jeff would think this was so cool". And no amount of cellphone pictures can do it justice. So, I keep trying to organize, to schedule, to find time to squeeze in quality family time, memory-makers, with kids' visitation schedules, and play practice, and camp schedules. I love me a lazy summer day as much as the next person, but I find myself restless and bored after too many of them. I want to DO something but I don't know what.

In the meantime there's laundry to fold, and that bathroom to clean. But who wants to do that? I want a summer adventure like no other. I want to end the summer knowing we squeezed every last drop of sunny goodness out of it (once we get sun, anyway!). I want a long, lazy road trip full of mishaps and hilarious moments. I want some camping, some hiking, some adventures in the woods. I want a group bike ride, a day without being glued to the computer, and iPads and cell phones, time outdoors and barbeques on the deck, and fires in the fire pit with s'mores and bare feet and citronella candles burning.

Ahhh.......summer! Where are you?

Summer Vacation - Day One

So far today, I've paid bills, had coffee with a friend, done a ton of paperwork, a few loads of laundry, and made my lunch. It's 4 p.m. and my two oldest teens (16 and 19) slept until 2:30 p.m. My daughter, attempting to make herself an egg sandwich (brunch at 4 p.m. anyone?), sprayed Pam into an open flame and almost made flambe out of the entire kitchen. I've heard the following phrases, "I'm going to lose my virginity in a Buick" (this was not one of my kids!), "Let's go do something! It's the first day of summer vacation!", a rousing rendition of "Let's Go Fly a Kite", and an impression of Sarah Palin as played by Jenna Marbles making chocolate chip cookies.

I also had the following conversation with my son's 14-year-old bestie:
J: It's half way to Christmas? Are you excited?
Me: Not really.
J: Why not? Why don't adults get excited about anything?
Me: We used up all our excitement when we were kids. We get excited about different things.
J: Like what? Being old enough not to get your period anymore?

I came home from coffee with my friend to find a lone dog turd on the floor, a guilty-looking old dog wanting to go out, a Tupperware container on the floor (having been licked clean of pizza leftovers by said dog), and a bottle of chocolate syrup overturned on the kitchen counter.

Scene in my living room: Two kids playing the same mindless game on iPads, one on his phone texting while the TV is on (with no one watching it).
Me: Why don't you guys play the Wii or something?
Silence.

Scene: me on my computer, two boys asking what to do.
Me: Go play outside! Go find that coyote that keeps howling all morning and see what's going on!
Boys: What if it eats us?
Me: Well, then we'll have a great story to tell.

Now all I hear is the sounds of "What, What, in the Butt" coming from my family room.

Sweet baby Jesus, help me. And bring booze.

Attention hogs?

I've been hearing, from the children of my children's generation (teenagers), that there seems to be a pervasive feeling among all of them - no one feels as though they are getting enough attention from their parents.

I reflected on this and I realized that this generation of children (1990's born) probably has received more parental attention than generations past. When my firstborn arrived in 1993, we were immediately plunged into baby/parent groups, which was just the seedling of the harvest of parent/child activities that segued into a plethora of kid activities for which parental involvement was a necessity.

We've done soccer, baseball, softball, gymnastics, dance, summer camp, drama, art classes, cheer, music lessons, scouts and Camp Fire. I've spent endless hours driving my kids to and from these activities, as well as being present during the activity or being an active participant. I've rarely missed a game, never missed a recital or performance, been a scout leader, and volunteered to be the backstage mom, the party host, or the organizer.  In short, I've BEEN there for most everything.

But does just BEING there count as attention? I mean, we can get mired in the daily comings and goings without really seeing or hearing our child. Our conversations are sometimes limited to the minutia of everyday life without really going deeper than "what's for dinner?" or "did you finish your homework?" So, are our kids really getting enough attention?

I have a few memories of feeling left out when my parents were focused on my siblings and their crisis of the moment. That continues to adulthood, but I never felt like my parents paid any more or less attention to me than any other parents did at that time. In fact, while my generation's parents were definitely more involved than that of the generation before me, for the most part we did our own thing and our parents served two purposes: 1. to make us food, 2. to drive us places.

So, I wonder how much attention does a kid need? We've created this society of egocentric kids and I can't help but wonder if, when they express their need for more attention, we can EVER give them all the attention they want/need. Add in the fact that most kids are not only children, and it gets harder and harder to have one-on-one time with each child. I find most of the individual time I spend with my kids involves driving them to appointments and picking up Starbucks or a treat after. It might not sound like much, but it works, and we have long talks (often sitting in the car in the driveway long after we've arrived home).

Still, I wonder if kids are just becoming more egocentric, or if we are really not paying enough attention to our offspring. What's your take? Do kids need more attention? Or do they just have a constant need to be in the spotlight?

Twitter's A-Flitter

Here's the thing with social networks. Once you post something, EVERYONE can see what you say. My last post was a bit of a nod to that, and this one is no exception. Only this time, the person lives in my house and it's a Twitter rant.

June 9:
One day back home & my mom is already yelling at me, ordering me around, and treating me like a child. #leavemealone 
Well, I DID say "you have one week to get your room organized". I didn't yell it. It could be considered an "order", I suppose. And she IS a child, at least as long as I'm supporting her, so I guess if having rules and expectations is treating one like a child, then...guilty!

One day home and I already want my own space back.#HomeForTheSummerProblems
I want your space back, too. I could use an office, or a yoga room, or my own escape.

Trying to clean my room with my mom yelling at me is difficult...#stressed
So is trying to clean the WHOLE HOUSE while you continue to put crap outside your door and on the counters. I'm a little #stressed too.

At this point, one of her Twitter friends offers her a garage to rent. Sounds like a fair trade!

Literally feel dead. #TiredForNoReason #ProbsABenadrylHangover
You can't "literally" feel dead. Because if you did, you'd BE dead and then you wouldn't feel. Duh. And the Benadryl? She insisted she needed it to sleep. Of course, getting up before 4:30 in the afternoon works, too.

My mom asks me to help her clean/decorate for the stupid cast party today, and them does nothing but yell & criticize me. #doityourself
Actually, I did do it myself. With the help of her siblings who were kind enough to actually help me and not Tweet about how much they hated it. For the record, I asked her to hold one end of a tablecloth for me so I could stretch it out over the table.

Also, my siblings have the radio absolutely BLASTING and my mom won't tell them to turn it down. #headache #getmeoutofhere
We did have the radio up loud. I turned it on myself. We were cleaning and the vacuum was running and it was loud and fun. Made things a little more bearable for all. It wasn't hurting anyone and we intended to turn it down when guests arrived, which we did. Also, I'm 44 and she's 18 and last time I checked, it was the OLD person who always wanted the music turned down.

I need an apartment. Stat. 
Yes, she does! Unfortunately, being unemployed with only a minimum-wage summer job doesn't allow for much in the rental market. I say before you start saying what you "need" you'd better be sure you can afford to fund it. 


We need quiet hours at my house. #getmeoutofhere
This is not a dorm, and it's never quiet. Get used to it.

Note to my family: if you have to scream at the person next to you to have a conversation, the music is too loud. #turnitdown#NOWWWW
Again with the music. It was not that loud. And I'm a mom, so that's saying something.

One if the guests outside has a FUCKING WEIRD LAUGH.#LikeAWitchWithAHeadCold
Now she's insulting our guests? Perhaps if she were out socializing with us, instead of watching "Modern Family" on her computer (aka best friend), she would know what the laughing was all about.

My mom told me that the van had a flat and that I had to take it to get fixed. Now she's talking shit about me to the other moms. #thefuck
Yes, indeed, I did inform her that she would need to allow for extra time to get the tire fixed before her noon dentist appointment. I reminded her of this because (see previous) she generally does not wake up before noon. Her answer was "I'm not going to have enough time." and "Can't Jeff do it?" Sadly, Jeff and mommy both have to work in the morning. Because it's Monday. And we have jobs.

(Editor's note: I have to skip one of the posts because it's rude and insulting to one person and I do not want this person to get their feelings hurt by my rude daughter)

I need all these people to leave so my wifi gets stronger. They're all using it right now. #firstworldproblems #lazypeopleproblems
The only good thing about this post is that she does acknowledge that hers are #firstworldproblems and that she's lazy. She "needed" the WiFi so she would watch "Modern Family" on her laptop. Meanwhile, the room is still full of boxes and clothes and crap and remains unorganized and a mess.

All I can say is SERIOUSLY? We just racked up nearly $20,000 in student loans for you to attend your first year of college and this is what we get the first weekend home?

This is a sad state of affairs. I spent the second weekend in a row flying solo because my husband was out of town and I had more than my share of kid drama, dog drama and general chaos and I was so tired tonight I was near tears. I don't even have words for this type of disrespect.

And later tonight, she helped her sister with a project. Of course, there was the requisite begging and drama, along with an offer of money to help from the little sister (which I forbid!). But she ended up helping her, like a big sister should, out of the goodness of her heart, without expecting anything in return. Why can't she be like this all the time?

How easily forgotten.........

Recent happenings have caused me to ponder how easily we forget people. Not our loved ones who have passed on - surely we remember them from time to time with fond memories. What I'm noticing is how easily we forget people in our lives due to a change in circumstances. For instance, in past years, friends I've had from my neighborhood have moved - not out of state but to a nearby neighborhood - but they might as well be out of the state, or the country for that matter, for all I've seen them since. People who spent weekends at my home, enjoying a party or a game night, have dropped out of my life completely as soon as they moved a few blocks away.

Within the past year, my daughter has moved from her high school to a homeschooling program due to health issues. And slowly her friends have faded from her life. There is an occasional invite to a girls' night or gathering, but more often than not, she's forgotten. The downside of social media is that it's not too hard to know what all your friends are doing when they post their every move on Facebook. So, it's easy to see the events you haven't been invited to. And it's all the more distressing when you know those same people have been more than happy to spend their time at your home, taking advantage of your hospitality and rarely, if ever, reciprocating.

I think it's just a lack of manners today. I've noticed this type of "take but not give" mentality overtaking our society. I cannot count the times a parent has been more than happy to drop their child off at my house for a long playdate, but never reciprocated. Even now, as teens, my kids' friends' parents seem to think we're the daycare/carpool/eating establishment for their children. I love to welcome my kids friends (and my own friends) into my home, but when that invitation is rarely extended by others, it doesn't feel very encouraging.

Recently I drove carpool for a week to an event my children were involved in. I picked up two teens who needed rides. Only later in the week did I find out their parents were not only home, but available to drive, they just didn't want to! These parents did not offer gas money or any other compensation for me to drive their children (neither of whom I had met previous to the carpool arrangement). I felt they could have at least offered to take one day each in exchange for me driving the other days. My husband and I are very generous about giving rides home to our kids' friends, but when it becomes an expectation, it makes you feel taken advantage of and the result is that you simply do not want to extend the generosity anymore. Which is sad, because that's the very problem I'm talking about. People are not very generous with their time and hospitality these days.

I understand that we're all busy and have jobs and families to take care of. But I also know it's not that hard to extend some common courtesies. The sad truth is, I think people just "forget". I'm certain most people would love to catch up more, have more fun with their friends, celebrate the good times. But we get so wrapped up in ourselves, we rarely look around us or think about others. Our best intentions are just that - intentions. It reminds me of a quote I read recently "a goal without a plan is just a wish". This is so true - we can talk it up all we want, but until someone springs into action, it's just talk.

It breaks my heart when I hear my kids talking to their friends and making grandiose plans for the summer. "We're totally going on a road trip!" or "We are having sleepovers EVERY weekend!" And I know those things won't happen unless someone plans them. It's all well and good when school is ending and summer is looming, long and luxurious and unscheduled, and the next thing you know, you realize summer is impossibly short and you never went on that road trip or had that sleepover or got that awesome tan.

In my family, we do plan. Most of that planning falls on my shoulders, but I've had enough experience to know that if I don't plan it, no one will. And the thing is, I WANT to have fun. I WANT to socialize. I WANT to celebrate. So, I do. And I won't stop doing it just because others are too wrapped up in their own lives to include me or my children in theirs.

But I'd like to see more people take some initiative when it comes to including their friends. That friend you always say you're going to have lunch with? Make those plans today. That spontaneous gathering? Don't forget that neighbor or friend just down the street who might also enjoy it. And when you think back on all those people you "used" to be friends with, try to remember why you're not friends anymore. If you had a falling out, perhaps you can revisit your friendship now that time has passed. If you just forgot about them as you moved on, perhaps you can remember that they were once there for you unconditionally. It's ok if you've let friends go for other reasons. We can't all stay friends forever. But you might be surprised that the friends you "used" to know could still be the same trusted, loyal friends they once were before you let the slip from your circle. Don't forget.

We're all f**ked up!

Life is messy. I think one of our biggest problems in life is that we continuously try to make it perfect. If only we had a better job, or more money, or a skinnier waist, or better friends, or more time, or more stuff. And the thing is, it was never meant to be perfect or easy. And just when you think you've got it down, something comes along to throw a wrench in your plans and you're left with an "is this all there is" feeling? Or worse, "can I possibly take any more?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that, indeed, you can. For one, our reactions to the things around us are entirely under our control. Oh sure, we "go off" now and then, say things we don't mean, get all riled up and spew venom at the people we should love the most. Or we make really stupid choices with difficult consequences. Sometimes we even find ourselves in a really dark place, wondering if we'll ever be able to struggle out of it, or, worse, if we even want to.

It's in those times, when we're really at our weakest points, that we need to be strong enough. Strong enough to open up and ask for help. Or strong enough to ask for forgiveness. Or admit our weaknesses. Or do something that challenges us or makes us uncomfortable. But in doing this, we become so much stronger than we ever really knew we could be.

My yoga teacher often said "you're stronger than you think you are" and, while that helped me immensely in my yoga practice (namely, "yes, I can do this and no, I won't die if I hold this pose one second longer"), it also became a great motto for life. We ARE stronger than we think we are.

I hear many of my kids' friends lamenting their latest "worst day ever." That phrase always hits me hard. Your WORST day ever? I mean, life is not a competition, but putting things in perspective never hurt anyone. At the same time, your "worst" day is relative to where you are in life. If you are a teenager, your worst day might be measured in how horrible something makes you feel - whether it be relationship or friend problems, parents fighting, finding out you're moving, failing a class. When you're in college, it might be roommate issues, worry about grades, navigating the slippery slope of independence. As an adult, your "worst day ever" might be huge and horrible and irreconcilable - divorce, death, crime, poverty.

But life goes on. Even in the face of the most horrible circumstances, we somehow move on and keep living. In the past year, in my own life or that of a friend, I've seen divorce, death of a child, cancer and other serious illness, alcoholism, drug addiction, legal troubles, financial troubles, teen pregnancy, moving away, starting over. But I've also seen birth, graduations, proms, new jobs, new love, success, unexpected achievement, and joy in the simple things. Balance.

We're all a little f**ked up in our own ways. The sooner we accept that and move on with being the best we can be, the better for everyone. And guess what? No one expects you to be perfect - in your quest to constantly be better, someone thinks you are just fine the way you are. We all need to give ourselves a break. Adopt a philosophy of doing the best you can and be ok with it.

Here are some things I try to do (and I've failed at these numerous times!).....the point is to always be aware of what is important to you:
- Be a good friend. Be there to listen and support. Don't be a doormat. Friendship goes both ways.
- Be supportive when you can. Even if you don't always agree with the decisions being made.
- Be nice. Don't waste your time and energy being snarky or mean. Just be nice. One nice thing said to someone can erase a dozen negative things they may have heard that day.
- Do things for yourself. Don't wait for someone to come along and make you happy. If you want to do something fun, just do it. Even if you can't find someone to go with you.
- Get up and get dressed every morning. Even if you have no place to go or nothing urgent to do. Just getting "ready" for the day puts you in a more productive mood. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish!
- Try to exercise every day. Even if it's just for a few minutes. And sometimes, when you're really tired, instead of laying on the couch, try taking a short walk instead. It's amazing how much this can energize you!
- But be lazy sometimes. It's ok to just wear your pajamas all day and watch movies on the couch. Just not every day. If you do it every day, the relaxing part wears off and you just start to feel down all the time.
- Do stuff. Instead of over-analyzing things, just DO IT. We spend so much time worrying about things that we often talk ourselves out of doing it in the first place.
- Don't spend so much time worrying about what you're going to be when you grow up. Because the thing is, you WILL grow up, even if you never decide. Life takes twists and turns. Be flexible.
- Find things that you love to do, that bring you joy, and spend as much time as possible doing them.
- Find someone you love, better yet, find many someones, and spend as much time with them as possible. If someone makes you feel happy, comfortable in your own skin, and it's just "easy" to be with them, they're the "right" person. And if your "right" person turns into the "wrong" one, do not despair that you can never love another. You can.
- Always be a learner. If you're worried about something, educate yourself! Curious? Explore!
- Never be afraid to admit you're not a stone pillar. We all need someone to lean on, we all need help sometimes. Never, EVER, let your worry about "what others might think" hold you back from doing what's right for you or those you love.
- Always celebrate. There are so many things in life to be happy about, that there's always a reason for celebration. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, special events and accomplishments. Have a party!

We are all flawed. That's what makes us so perfect!

Things we hold dear........

I have a Raggedy Ann doll that is old as dirt. I think I was four or five when I got her. I don't remember the occasion, but my sister got a MUCH bigger Raggedy Ann at the same time which I have never understood. But her giant Raggedy Ann suffered an unspeakable tragedy when my younger brother drew a cross in green magic marker on her head because it was Ash Wednesday and he wanted to bless the doll. That green magic marker remains on the doll's head to this day. MY Raggedy Ann doll was unscathed in the magic marker Ash Wednesday debacle, but she has suffered some of her own trials and tribulations over the years (haven't we all?). For instance, one time her leg was falling off. I have NO idea how that might have happened, unless I was having a tug-of-war with her, trying to save her from some cruel older sibling who might have been trying to steal her from me. Someone sewed the leg back on tightly and all was well. Until I was eight or nine and I had my doll with me at my grandparent's cottage in the woods of southeastern Ohio. My evil cousins decided to have their own assault on my doll and ended up ripping her arm nearly off. I was devastated, and I still remember finding needle and thread and attempting to "sew" her arm back on with giant stitches, because I knew nothing about sewing. Still, bad sewing job and all, she survived and spent most of the rest of my childhood in a small wooden rocking chair in my room. Now, she resides in a trunk in my bedroom and never sees the light of day. Sad, sad Raggedy Ann. But, like an old woman, her "skin" is thinning, and she doesn't have as much fluff in her body so she can't sit upright very well. Her hair is sparse and her head hangs forward at an odd angle. WAIT! I must get her to look at her once again. Whew, that took a while. She was buried under so much junk. But it did give me a chance to take these photos:

 My sweet Raggedy Ann doll.....

 Leg damage! Obviously this sewing job was done by an adult........

 Her heart says "I love you"! 

 Arm damage. Sewing job done by me at age 8. 

 Giant stitches.....no clue what I was doing! :)

 Her stringy hair!

 Stuffing coming out all over..........

But I love her! 

Over the years, my own kids have added some of their own special relics. Hayley has a bear she calls "Angelina" given to her by her dad when she broke her arm. It's a white bear with angel wings and it went to college with her. Hannah has "Lamby", a floppy stuffed lamb we brought her from Victoria, B.C., that she carried around everywhere. Lamby has lost both of his eyes (and I've sewed them back in many times!), and is a little skinny in the areas where she kept her toddler grip on him. Lamby still sleeps with her. Arlie has "teddy", a small stuffed bear that looks more like a potato than a bear. She lost him on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland and by some miracle, someone saved him and put him aside for her and she got him back! His "fur" is more like burlap and he's been squeezed a few too many times. Harrison has "Candy Cane Man", a cheap stuffed toy his dad "won" for him in one of those claw games at a restaurant. Candy Cane Man is a toy soldier holding a candy cane like a staff. He went with us on every road trip and still resides in Harrison's room.

What do you hold dear? Do you have a favorite stuffed animal or doll that you've kept from your childhood? 

Why are concerts so expensive?

My kids have been to exactly one concert. I splurged for Maroon 5 tickets when my son, who was five, was obsessed with them. And when I say "splurged" I mean I paid $35 each for them.

So, when Hannah Montana came to town, and tickets were going for over $400 if you could even get them, I had to say (HELL) no to my precious girls. Because, for one thing, I have three girls.

And now these concerts come along and my kids beg and plead to go, but at an average of $100 per ticket, it's just not feasible. Not to mention, the tickets sell out in nanoseconds.

I don't get it. I cannot understand what kind of money-driven frenzy garners both the price and the demand. The most expensive concert ticket I've purchased was $85 each for Green Day, two years ago, for my husband's birthday. Before that, MANY years before, I shelled out $80 a ticket to see the Eagles, but I figured after seeing them live and in concert, I could die happy.

My first concert was Shaun Cassidy. I was ten. I vividly remember my mom sitting a few rows back from my sister and I (and our friends), and seeing Shaun himself come bursting through a ring of white paper as the concert started. After that stupendous performance, how could I not be hooked? So, at age 13 I saw Styx. In between I went to one or two Willie Nelson concerts with my parents in various fairground locations, hazy with weed smoke.

My concert-going days were limited until after high school. I was in college when I heard Madonna was coming to Seattle. I was overjoyed. No one else wanted to go. I went anyway (I can't even remember who went with me) and I loved it. My first big date with my ex-husband was to the Doobie Brothers. I'll admit I thought "what's with this nerd taking me to the Doobie Brothers?" but it turns out I knew almost every song. Take me by the hand, pretty mama........

And my concert-loving days had begun. I saw Eddie Murphy's "Raw" (I'm pretty sure every girl there left mad at her date), Boston, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Los Lobos, Steve Miller Band, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Reba McEntire, Bruce Springsteen, Train and more.

I wish concerts weren't so pricey. I'd love for my kids to experience music live from their favorite artists. I'd love to take them to concerts and watch them experience it. But who has a couple hundred lying around for such ventures?

I guess I really need an entertainment fund. One that covers concerts, plays, and other live performances. Guess I'll just take out a second mortgage.........

Friends....

I got to thinking the other day about friends. We all have them. Some more than others. And I wondered about quantity versus quality of friends.

I read my Facebook posts and see some of my female friends posting about big-bash birthday parties, and trips to Cabo with girlfriends and I sometimes wish to be a part of one of those "big group" friend circles, where gathering everyone up takes a banquet room. Where celebrations are over-the-top and families go on vacation together.

And while I have many, many acquaintances, my "friend" group is much smaller. So, what makes a true friend? In my opinion, it's a person who reaches out to you as much as you reach out to her. Someone who is truly interested and concerned about your life, love, family and career, who will be there for you when the chips are down, who makes an effort to include you in special events.

Granted, in our "always busy" day and age, few of us have time to cultivate real friendships. Gone are the days where women spent the majority of their time in the company of other women raising children and taking care of families. Now we have the family part, along with careers, multiple obligations, and the everyday pressures to be successful in multiple areas.

Still. That does not exclude the seemingly simple things like meeting for coffee or celebrating a birthday lunch. I am grateful for the friends I do have who don't forget those things. And I have friends who I don't see but a few times a year, who are still true friends in my book, because we connect in other ways - Facebook, email, text conversations. I love a friend that is a constant -someone who, even after long stretches of absence in your life, can fall back in and reconnect as if no time had passed at all.

I also love new friends. I had a pen pal for years whom I've never met, but who, if I ever got the chance, would be a great new friend, I'm certain. Sometimes, a Facebook comment leads to an invitation to coffee, and a new friend is made. We women have a quick way of connecting and my husband has often marveled at how someone I've never met can suddenly fall into a seamless conversation and comfortable presence after only a few minutes. I always tell him "a woman can meet someone in the ladies room and come out best friends." It's just the way we are - we connect.

Then, there are some friends, who with the prevalence of social networking, can become friends we connect with daily and never meet. And while those people may not fit our traditional definition of friendship, they serve a purpose and meaningful relationships can be forged. I'm still a die-hard fan of face time, but it's nice to know there's another woman up at 3 a.m. to "talk" to when you can't sleep.

I think most of us get so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to connect with our friends in more traditional ways. We send e-cards instead of meeting for lunch to celebrate birthdays, or we limit our "time" together to chatting on the sidelines of a soccer game, or a brief text now and then. I admire the girlfriend groups who have a yearly girl's only trip, or meet monthly for cocktails and conversation.

When my kids were little, and I was swamped with mommy stuff with seemingly "no time" for social outlets, I often joined a monthly group - Bunco, book club, mom's night out - to satisfy that girlfriend connect time. That worked for a long time, but as my kids got older, I found those things fading away as we all became busier in our kids' lives.

But if we're so wrapped up in our kids' lives, what happens to us? How do we rediscover and remember who  WE are? I have friends and relatives who are fully ensconced in club sports. It consumes all of their discretionary time to the exclusion of social interactions (with the exception of the other parents in the club sports), vacations, and pretty much anything else. Other friends are so wrapped up in their kids other activities, that they spend the majority of their time driving them to practices and rehearsals. And the people we spend that time with become our friends. But when the activity ceases, do the friendships? Some last, others fade away as we go through different stages in our lives.

I love it when I meet people who have been friends for years and years. To be in your sixties, and still connect regularly with your best friend you've known since age five - what a beautiful testimonial to true and lasting friendship. My guess is those two friends have drifted in and out of each other's lives for decades, weathering motherhood, marriage, divorce, death....all manner of joy and pain. And, in the end, they are still there for each other, a rock of stability that even other solid relationships such as marriage and parenthood can't crumble.

So, who are your "true" friends? Who are your new friends? What does friendship mean to you?