I was RIGHT!

For all of you internet-searchers, you hypochondriac, Web-Md searchers. You, who seem to have every symptom listed under all fatal diseases, you who self-diagnose and then avoid the doctor because 1. you don't need to give them the $15 copay if you already know what you have, or 2. you're scared to find out you might be right. This post is for you.

I was right. I turned to the internet in my despair last week, sicker than I've ever been, to desperately try to find SOMETHING that made sense for the symptoms I was having. What on earth could be ailing me? And why wasn't I getting better? Being logical, and somewhat of a closet doctor wanna-be, I eliminated the most obviously WRONG things and started delving deeper into the strange and uncommon. And I hit pay dirt! I found  my symptoms, exactly my symptoms, listed under an evil name: campylobacter. This is an insidious bacteria that one can become infected with in handling raw poultry (Thanksgiving dinner prep? Check!). Some people who come in contact with it never become sick. But for those who do, let's just say it might be the sickest you've ever felt. You might say "I'm dying" and you could be right, although only about 124 people a year actually die from this bacteria. Most people with this illness will get better in about ten days, but the average person will not be able to tolerate ten days of absolute misery, and will see a doctor. In severe cases (mine) antibiotics are needed to kill the bacteria (side note - I requested a zpac for my illness, the antibiotic known best to kill this bacteria. However, since my test results were not in, the doctor prescribed Cipro, which also kills salmonella. Turns out I needed the zpac so after five days on Cipro, I will now be on azithromyacin for five additional days. Shoulda listened to me, doc!).

Most people recover completely but some will develop arthritis, or, even more baffling, a rare nerve disease called Guillain-Barre syndrome which results in paralysis that lasts several weeks and requires intensive care. It is estimated that one in 1000 cases of campylobacteriosis results in this disease. I REALLY hope that does not happen to me. Worse, it takes several weeks after the illness for this to occur. So, "out of the woods" is a relative term and the effects of this illness can last a long, long time.

One of the most common ways to contract this illness is through cross-contamination from uncooked poultry to other foods. It only takes one drop of poultry juice to contaminate other food or utensils. I believe I contracted this while preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The really disturbing part is that I am fastidious about cross-contamination and food safety. Just ask my husband! I wash the tops of cans before I open them. I throw out food that's three or more days old. If anything is even slightly "off" I throw it out. I am a stickler for washing hands after handling meat and NEVER using the same cutting board for different foods unless it's been washed in the dishwasher. I wash knives and utensils between uses if I'm going to use them on another food product. I wash my hands CONSTANTLY when preparing meat. I scrub the sink with Comet after it's come in contact with raw meat. I wipe up meat juice spills with antibacterial wipes and/or bleach. I'm a stickler.

And yet, I got sick. I don't know how it happened. I followed all the precautions. The only thing I didn't do was wear rubber gloves when handling the turkey (which I will do in the future - IF I ever prepare another turkey - ick!). It's possible a knife my son was using to cut apples and fruit for a salad could have come close to a utensil I was using on the turkey. I don't know. But what I do know is that I got sick two days after Thanksgiving and was sick in bed for the next five days. I had no energy for anything, I ran a fever, I had cramps that were as painful as labor (and I can say this with authority because I've given birth unmedicated more than once!). I had nonstop diarrhea, nausea, and ate almost nothing for five days. I drank a gallon of Gatorade and couldn't get enough ice. The only good news was I lost ten pounds, but I would NOT recommend this as a weight-loss plan. I'm still recovering - most food still sounds gross to me, and I have very little energy.

The lesson here: one, sometimes you CAN diagnose yourself from the internet. Two, no matter how careful you are, you can still pick up a nasty bacteria even with the best and most careful preparation of food. And three, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you. BE CAREFUL! After this illness I am seriously considering becoming vegetarian. I'm not sure if I can ever prepare a turkey again. We might have to start a new tradition of having tacos on Thanksgiving. Bon apetit!

Sick as a...........

So, it turns out I was sick. Sick as a....dog? I dunno - my dogs barf all the time so I don't really know what a sick dog does. All I know is I was as sick as I've EVER been. I missed all but Friday of work. Way to start a new job by taking four sick days your first four days. Stellar.

I went to the doctor. She said it could be this or that or.....basically she didn't know. So, she gave me anti-nausea drugs. Only I wasn't really nauseated, and the drugs said "may cause headache" and I already had a screaming headache so I didn't take them. I fished around the house and found some Vicodin from when Hayley had her appendectomy two years ago. That only took the edge off the headache but it never quite went away. It was more of a searing, stabbing pain that took my breath away, followed by intense pressure in my head. The fever of 101 didn't help, and neither did throwing up on Monday night but thank God that was only once. And my stomach was empty. I have a serious aversion to vomiting. SERIOUS. I'd sell my soul to the Devil not to vomit. EVER. To me, it's the most out-of-control, overwhelming, aliens-are-taking-over-my-body feeling in the world. Right up there with labor and delivery of a baby, which is another time your body has a mind of its own. Well, you know what I mean. Obviously I did not suffer from morning sickness when I was pregnant, or I'd have only had one child. That's how much I hate to throw up.

Yep, it was just me and frequent, frequent trips to the bathroom. Like every ten minutes. All day and night. This is where buying quality toilet paper really pays off. Only I had inferior quality toilet paper. You know that commercial where the women talk about "getting real" about what goes on in the bathroom? Well, that shit got real. For real. And I sure wished I'd bought quilted Northern. Just sayin'.

And then there were the cramps that said "remember labor? wasn't that fun? let's do it again!" Holy moly! I thought I was going to be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" where I went to the bathroom and delivered an 8 lb human. It didn't help that I watched a marathon of that show while I was in misery. Just watching woman fake labor when your own body is wracked with pains is stupid. I figured that out after about two hours and finally turned it off.

And of course I tuned into the internet to self-diagnose after several days of not eating, drinking gallons of Gatorade, aching all over, running a fever, and having absolutely no energy. And what I found was interesting. Here's what I diagnosed myself with: campylobacteriosis. Big word, but it's basically a bacteria you can get infected with when handling raw poultry. Well, I wrestled a 20 lb turkey on Thanksgiving, and even though I'm always super paranoid about food-borne illness and very careful to not cross-contaminate things when cooking, it's possible that the tiniest drop of raw turkey juice contaminated me or something I touched, and caused this infection. And the symptoms were all there, all in the right time frame, AND no one else in my family got sick. If I had a stomach bug, surely at least one other person would have become ill in a week. But it was just me. And, once I got antibiotics on board, I started feeling better. If it was a virus, I'd still be sick.

So.......we'll see if I'm right. I won't have the test results for a few days, but I'm putting my money on the turkey poisoning. And if I'm right, we may never have turkey for Thanksgiving again. Or at least I'm not making it!

The antibiotics I got yesterday seemed to have turned things right around. It did take until this morning to feel human again, and just getting ready for work exhausted me. Working was both energizing and exhausting and I made it through the day without even a nap but I skipped a party tonight because I'm still dragging. I know it will take a few days to get my energy back, especially since I've had VERY little food during this whole ordeal. A few graham crackers, a little applesauce. I lost ten pounds. The only bonus about this illness for sure.

And today I actually felt HUNGRY again. But it came and went. It's always hard to start eating again when you haven't for days and nothing sounds good. Tonight the kids asked to order pizza and we did and that was good! I only had one piece, but it hit the spot. And my tummy started growling again around 9:30 p.m. and wouldn't you know it, I was hungry again? Only this time homemade chocolate chip cookies sounded divine. It took a lot of eyelash batting and pouting and playing the sick card but I got my husband to make them! Now I just can't wait for them to come out of the oven! Nothing cures what ails you like homemade love in the form of a warm cookie. And nothing makes you appreciate your health like feeling good again after being so sick. What a week!