Sick as a.............

Dog? Where did the expression "sick as a dog" come from? Because I've seen my dog barf up an exact rendition of her dog food on the carpet, but I've never done that, even on my sickest days, so what gives? I did a Wikipedia search but it just gave me some gobblygook on some song with the same name.

Anyway. I've been sick.

And it's weird how one minute you're enjoying your grande decaf peppermint mocha from Starbucks and the next you're spending a lot of time getting intimate with your toilet.

And the progression to getting there - well, that's bad too. The overly-full feeling. The stomach cramps. The "I wish I could just throw up and get this over with" feeling that your body will not honor no matter how hard you try. Then, the violence that is a stomach virus.....I'll spare you the details. We all know it's horrific and traumatizing and you see the face of God more than once while you're promising that you'll never, ever eat food again and if you can only be spared one more episode of violence, you'll become a nun, spread world peace, donate half your money to charity...........

Ok, maybe that's just me. But the thing is, I HATE throwing up. Or whatever you choose to call it. My brother and I once made a list of all the euphemisms for vomiting (which sounds like the most "official" term but it's actually "emesis" and I know that because I'm a medical nerd, but whatever). Anyway, I used to say I'd sell my soul to the Devil not to throw up. Of course, that was before I really understood the true price of doing that (and, seriously, unless I'm getting a golden fiddle thrown in with the deal, forget it). Still, I didn't throw up - NOT ONCE - during all of my pregnancies and if I could avoid that, I should be able to avoid it forever, right?

Only, not.

So, after I was super sick I had to sleep for like twenty hours or something. And I kept waking up and I'd watch a little TV or read a little, or check my phone for interesting Facebook updates, and then I'd be surprised with the ease in which I'd fall back to sleep as though I hadn't just slept six straight hours. In the past 36 or so hours, I've had some Gatorade, a piece of toast, two graham crackers and a banana. And that's just fine with me. After your body revolts against food, you must court it again before you're ready for a fully-committed relationship. At this point, the thought of anything beyond the toast stage seems unreliable, but who are we kidding? There's bbq pork in the crock pot and I want it. I'm just scared to eat it.

Then, there's the inevitable questioning everything you've eaten the past day or so, and whether anyone else ate it, and if anyone else has any symptoms, etc. The last thing I ate before being sick was homemade chicken noodle soup. I'm certain everything in it was fresh and free from food-borne bacteria. But my husband threw it out. This is the man who retrieved cans of expired food out of the garbage when I tossed them, insisting they were "still good," the man who eats fish a week after preparing it, the man who just last week was about to use lunchmeat on a pizza he was making when I quickly swooped in and reminded him I could even REMEMBER the last time I bought lunchmeat so he better not take any chances (you're welcome, family, for saving you, once again, from food poisoning!). It only took one night of watching me spew Exorcist-style for him to toss that soup faster than you could say "botulism."

And the thing is, I'll never know what made me sick. Just like all the other times you or I have been sick - it's rare we ever find out the source (save for that one Bunco when someone brought seven layer dip and every single one of us got barfy from it). It just sucks. And makes you love food just a little bit less. (Is this a message, God?) My husband actually had the balls to say my sickness was a "sign" that I should eat better in the new year. He's missing now. Shhh.

The only good things to come of this illness were that I slept more than I have in the past three years, and I lost a few pounds. If you want to look at silver linings and all.

I actually have a theory. I realized that I got sick at this exact same time last year. Granted, last year's "sick" was more flu-like and lasted a few more days, but I almost always get sick around Christmas break. So, my theory is this - I'm bored. When I slow down my frantic pace and have a few days of nothing to do, I get sick. Cabin fever is REAL my friends. It's a legit illness that strikes during school breaks. And the only cure is to stay busy! No boredom! Boredom is deadly! Next year, I'm planning a trip between Christmas and New Year's to ward off any evil sickness that is lurking under the surface, ready to strike with the first sign of cabin fever.

But, just in case, I think I'll also avoid chicken noodle soup. You can never be too cautious.

In sickness......

I don't usually get sick. Maybe once or twice a year I get sick enough to miss work. Well, I've now been sick for five days and the last time I was sick for that long, it was a horrible bacteria that invaded my body over Thanksgiving weekend, 2011, and I thought I was dying. This time, it's more like the flu - started out with aches, chills, fever, and those things could be easily controlled by ibuprofen every four hours. And then it just became this low-energy thing - like, I do ONE thing and I feel like I need a nap! Of course, since I'm a mom, I didn't have the luxury of just lying in bed and recovering, but since it started over a school break, I actually HAVE had some time to lounge and nap and I'm sick of it!

Monday I didn't feel so bad taking a long nap because that was when it hit me first. Tuesday, I did some laundry, colored and deep-conditioned my hair - and then I was exhausted! Wednesday, I had to take Arlie to gym so I killed time for three hours until she was done by having coffee with my friend - and it was exhausting. Later on Wednesday, when I was hoping to just be done for the day, I ended up having to take Harrison to band, so I killed two more hours running errands and when I got home I went straight to bed. Yesterday I actually stayed in bed pretty much the whole day. My butt actually hurt from sitting up in bed so long. I napped a little, but mostly just lounged and did stuff on my computer, including a little bit of "work" stuff. But I called in for a sub at work, because I definitely did not feel ready to take on a room full of kindergarten kids just back from a two-week break!

Today, it's Friday and my day off work. Thank goodness, because I STILL do not feel like I have the energy for my normal activities. I'm a really high-energy person so feeling like this is disconcerting at best. I always have a list a mile long of things I need to do, take care of, etc. and just laying in bed is NEVER on my list. Sure, it's a nice sign from the universe to slow down and take care of ME, but I'm ready to "git 'er done" and laying in bed isn't accomplishing anything.

The worst part is that we had several beautiful, sunny days, and I wanted nothing more than to be out in the sunshine, walking or cleaning out my car, or just hanging out in the driveway with Jeff while he worked on his truck. But, alas, I have barely ventured outside at all. And today dawned grey and rainy. Bleh.

And....when I woke up this morning, I was faced with a houseful of upside-down and stacked furniture from getting the carpets cleaned yesterday. I REALLY do not have the strength to put it all back, but at the same time, it's going to drive me crazy if I just leave it. Jeff is gone on a half-day fishing trip so I guess I could wait for him to get back. But my control freak side has reared it's ugly head and I want to change things up so I want to have a say in where things get put back. I mean, what better time to change around the whole room when there's nothing in it, right? I have big plans, I tell you!

Right after I take a little nap................

I hab a code.......

So. I have a nasty cold. I'm not even sure why it's called a "cold" because a.) it's not caused by the cold, b.) I'm not feeling particularly cold and c). cold is the last thing I want to be when I have a cold.

I know where I got this cold and I know who I got it from. I work in a kindergarten classroom so any one of the little rugrats could be a culprit but I'm placing my bets on the short one with the yellow snot shooting out of her nose at lightning speed every time she sneezed all over me, the desks, and the general classroom last week.

Now, I'm sure many of you are thinking: why on God's green earth did this mother send her child to school with a gross cold? And while I'm with you on this one (because of the unpleasant result I'm experiencing), I know how hard it is to discern between "really sick" and "not sick enough to miss school". I usually err on the side of caution, figuring a missed day is no big deal and they'll surely feel better with a day of "rest" (read: glued to the couch watching TV). But I've been known to send my son to school with a fever I didn't realize he had, my daughter with stomach cramps that turned into an appendectomy (which, as it turned out, wasn't her appendix after all!), and have had to rescue another child from a horrendous bus ride more than once when a migraine presented itself right at the end of a school day. So, I get it. We screw up sometimes.

But this child TOLD us she had a cold (not like we couldn't tell from the gallons of snot), and clearly her mother knew as well. Doesn't every mom know that if your child has snot that is an actual COLOR you should keep them from the general public? Gross!

I once got a cold that lasted three weeks from the most disgusting from of direct contact ever. I was a nanny for a child who had a bad cold. I'm not too particular about taking care of sick kids - I figure I'll take my chances - so I happily accepted working even though I knew she was sick. I practice good hand-washing and figured I could shield myself from her sneezes. But when, in one fell swoop, she sneezed all over her hand, then proceeded to put that snotty hand IN MY MOUTH, I knew I was doomed. I mean, how do you even fix that? The damage was done.

I've built up a pretty good immunity to kid sicknesses over the years so it's not often I pick up their germs. When I was 15 I started working at a daycare center. In my first year, I contracted strep throat no less than EIGHT times! The first time I had it, I thought I might die. Never had I experienced such horrendous throat pain. After that, I became an expert at detecting the first symptoms and finally just called the doctor who would prescribe antibiotics over the phone.

Gradually, I became somewhat immune to the kid germs and, after I had a few kids of my own, I seemed to be iron-clad. I almost never picked up their illnesses; I had my own special set of germs. But over the past few years, I've become more susceptible...perhaps it's a result of getting older? Lordy, I hope not!

At any rate, I know what to do. Rest, Vitamin C, lots of fluids......HA! Who has time for that? But I will solemnly try. Because unlike the old days when being sick wasn't as much of an issue - although changing diapers while throwing up is decidedly unpleasant - I now have a job and must be at work Monday through Friday. No longer can I lounge in my pajamas while putting on movie after movie for my delighted toddlers. But now that my kids are older, they really don't "need" me. Really. SERIOUSLY! Do you hear me, kids? Leave me alone! (Unless I text you to bring me a drink, or some Advil, or make me a special treat).

Pass me the Kleenex.........

I was RIGHT!

For all of you internet-searchers, you hypochondriac, Web-Md searchers. You, who seem to have every symptom listed under all fatal diseases, you who self-diagnose and then avoid the doctor because 1. you don't need to give them the $15 copay if you already know what you have, or 2. you're scared to find out you might be right. This post is for you.

I was right. I turned to the internet in my despair last week, sicker than I've ever been, to desperately try to find SOMETHING that made sense for the symptoms I was having. What on earth could be ailing me? And why wasn't I getting better? Being logical, and somewhat of a closet doctor wanna-be, I eliminated the most obviously WRONG things and started delving deeper into the strange and uncommon. And I hit pay dirt! I found  my symptoms, exactly my symptoms, listed under an evil name: campylobacter. This is an insidious bacteria that one can become infected with in handling raw poultry (Thanksgiving dinner prep? Check!). Some people who come in contact with it never become sick. But for those who do, let's just say it might be the sickest you've ever felt. You might say "I'm dying" and you could be right, although only about 124 people a year actually die from this bacteria. Most people with this illness will get better in about ten days, but the average person will not be able to tolerate ten days of absolute misery, and will see a doctor. In severe cases (mine) antibiotics are needed to kill the bacteria (side note - I requested a zpac for my illness, the antibiotic known best to kill this bacteria. However, since my test results were not in, the doctor prescribed Cipro, which also kills salmonella. Turns out I needed the zpac so after five days on Cipro, I will now be on azithromyacin for five additional days. Shoulda listened to me, doc!).

Most people recover completely but some will develop arthritis, or, even more baffling, a rare nerve disease called Guillain-Barre syndrome which results in paralysis that lasts several weeks and requires intensive care. It is estimated that one in 1000 cases of campylobacteriosis results in this disease. I REALLY hope that does not happen to me. Worse, it takes several weeks after the illness for this to occur. So, "out of the woods" is a relative term and the effects of this illness can last a long, long time.

One of the most common ways to contract this illness is through cross-contamination from uncooked poultry to other foods. It only takes one drop of poultry juice to contaminate other food or utensils. I believe I contracted this while preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The really disturbing part is that I am fastidious about cross-contamination and food safety. Just ask my husband! I wash the tops of cans before I open them. I throw out food that's three or more days old. If anything is even slightly "off" I throw it out. I am a stickler for washing hands after handling meat and NEVER using the same cutting board for different foods unless it's been washed in the dishwasher. I wash knives and utensils between uses if I'm going to use them on another food product. I wash my hands CONSTANTLY when preparing meat. I scrub the sink with Comet after it's come in contact with raw meat. I wipe up meat juice spills with antibacterial wipes and/or bleach. I'm a stickler.

And yet, I got sick. I don't know how it happened. I followed all the precautions. The only thing I didn't do was wear rubber gloves when handling the turkey (which I will do in the future - IF I ever prepare another turkey - ick!). It's possible a knife my son was using to cut apples and fruit for a salad could have come close to a utensil I was using on the turkey. I don't know. But what I do know is that I got sick two days after Thanksgiving and was sick in bed for the next five days. I had no energy for anything, I ran a fever, I had cramps that were as painful as labor (and I can say this with authority because I've given birth unmedicated more than once!). I had nonstop diarrhea, nausea, and ate almost nothing for five days. I drank a gallon of Gatorade and couldn't get enough ice. The only good news was I lost ten pounds, but I would NOT recommend this as a weight-loss plan. I'm still recovering - most food still sounds gross to me, and I have very little energy.

The lesson here: one, sometimes you CAN diagnose yourself from the internet. Two, no matter how careful you are, you can still pick up a nasty bacteria even with the best and most careful preparation of food. And three, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you. BE CAREFUL! After this illness I am seriously considering becoming vegetarian. I'm not sure if I can ever prepare a turkey again. We might have to start a new tradition of having tacos on Thanksgiving. Bon apetit!

Sick as a...........

So, it turns out I was sick. Sick as a....dog? I dunno - my dogs barf all the time so I don't really know what a sick dog does. All I know is I was as sick as I've EVER been. I missed all but Friday of work. Way to start a new job by taking four sick days your first four days. Stellar.

I went to the doctor. She said it could be this or that or.....basically she didn't know. So, she gave me anti-nausea drugs. Only I wasn't really nauseated, and the drugs said "may cause headache" and I already had a screaming headache so I didn't take them. I fished around the house and found some Vicodin from when Hayley had her appendectomy two years ago. That only took the edge off the headache but it never quite went away. It was more of a searing, stabbing pain that took my breath away, followed by intense pressure in my head. The fever of 101 didn't help, and neither did throwing up on Monday night but thank God that was only once. And my stomach was empty. I have a serious aversion to vomiting. SERIOUS. I'd sell my soul to the Devil not to vomit. EVER. To me, it's the most out-of-control, overwhelming, aliens-are-taking-over-my-body feeling in the world. Right up there with labor and delivery of a baby, which is another time your body has a mind of its own. Well, you know what I mean. Obviously I did not suffer from morning sickness when I was pregnant, or I'd have only had one child. That's how much I hate to throw up.

Yep, it was just me and frequent, frequent trips to the bathroom. Like every ten minutes. All day and night. This is where buying quality toilet paper really pays off. Only I had inferior quality toilet paper. You know that commercial where the women talk about "getting real" about what goes on in the bathroom? Well, that shit got real. For real. And I sure wished I'd bought quilted Northern. Just sayin'.

And then there were the cramps that said "remember labor? wasn't that fun? let's do it again!" Holy moly! I thought I was going to be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" where I went to the bathroom and delivered an 8 lb human. It didn't help that I watched a marathon of that show while I was in misery. Just watching woman fake labor when your own body is wracked with pains is stupid. I figured that out after about two hours and finally turned it off.

And of course I tuned into the internet to self-diagnose after several days of not eating, drinking gallons of Gatorade, aching all over, running a fever, and having absolutely no energy. And what I found was interesting. Here's what I diagnosed myself with: campylobacteriosis. Big word, but it's basically a bacteria you can get infected with when handling raw poultry. Well, I wrestled a 20 lb turkey on Thanksgiving, and even though I'm always super paranoid about food-borne illness and very careful to not cross-contaminate things when cooking, it's possible that the tiniest drop of raw turkey juice contaminated me or something I touched, and caused this infection. And the symptoms were all there, all in the right time frame, AND no one else in my family got sick. If I had a stomach bug, surely at least one other person would have become ill in a week. But it was just me. And, once I got antibiotics on board, I started feeling better. If it was a virus, I'd still be sick.

So.......we'll see if I'm right. I won't have the test results for a few days, but I'm putting my money on the turkey poisoning. And if I'm right, we may never have turkey for Thanksgiving again. Or at least I'm not making it!

The antibiotics I got yesterday seemed to have turned things right around. It did take until this morning to feel human again, and just getting ready for work exhausted me. Working was both energizing and exhausting and I made it through the day without even a nap but I skipped a party tonight because I'm still dragging. I know it will take a few days to get my energy back, especially since I've had VERY little food during this whole ordeal. A few graham crackers, a little applesauce. I lost ten pounds. The only bonus about this illness for sure.

And today I actually felt HUNGRY again. But it came and went. It's always hard to start eating again when you haven't for days and nothing sounds good. Tonight the kids asked to order pizza and we did and that was good! I only had one piece, but it hit the spot. And my tummy started growling again around 9:30 p.m. and wouldn't you know it, I was hungry again? Only this time homemade chocolate chip cookies sounded divine. It took a lot of eyelash batting and pouting and playing the sick card but I got my husband to make them! Now I just can't wait for them to come out of the oven! Nothing cures what ails you like homemade love in the form of a warm cookie. And nothing makes you appreciate your health like feeling good again after being so sick. What a week!

Blarg.........

'Tis the eve before the dreaded Monday. Not just any Monday but the Monday after the long Thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving day was lovely; despite the fact that I created the entire dinner on my own with little help from anyone (but thanks, Harrison, for helping a little bit!). I had actually been dreading making the whole big meal. I'm not great at getting a meal to come together at the right time and have everything hot and ready, especially a meal with so many components. I wasn't really all that excited for Thanksgiving anyway - it was just us and my ex, so it's not like we were expecting company. In fact, the house was quite messy. But as the day wore on, I actually kind of enjoyed doing all that work, spending hours in the kitchen creating what turned out to be a lovely and delicious meal. I even whipped up a couple of pies, which I had not planned to do, and had already purchased some frozen pies. And although they were really lopsided and strange-looking, they tasted good . At the last minute I even managed to create a pretty tablescape with candles and fall decorations.

But then.........the rest of the weekend was just pure laziness. Sleeping in, laying about, eating leftovers. And more leftovers. And more leftovers. In fact, I've had nothing but turkey, sweet potatoes, gravy, mashed potatoes and stuffing the entire weekend. I'm in serious need of a pizza. Or a salad. Or anything not containing turkey.

Adding to the blahs was the fact that it was pretty rainy all weekend (well, except for Friday, when it was beautiful and sunny and I begged my husband to get out in the sun but we didn't even leave the house until the sun was almost set!). We didn't participate in any Black Friday frenzy; I am fundamentally opposed to shopping on Black Friday unless it's online, but we did return a few things to Home Depot and Fred Meyer. Exciting stuff, I tell you.

I did get some things organized and weeded out and found two awesome new crafts to do which might turn into super cute Christmas presents (should I ever find the time, sigh!). My husband spent an entire day in bed, retreating downstairs only to fetch food and sodas. I did some online shopping, but we're broke so I kept having to transfer money from savings to cover my online purchases. Argh. Hate Christmas when there's no money. Also, the few days before Thanksgiving I had done some shopping after work and was woefully inconsiderate of the budget (whatever that is) so I spent an hour or so adding up what I spent so far (gulp!).

The kids are absolutely giddy over Christmas and "can't wait", and while I do love the season, it's hard to share their excitement when I'm the one shopping, fretting over the money, wrapping, preparing, baking, attending, coordinating and executing. Christmas is a busy, busy time.

We took our annual "Christmas picture" and, as usual, I turned into Sgt. Commander Mom and ordered everyone around and got irritated at the general lack of compliance that comes with taking Christmas pictures. Normally my kids are such hams. But only when they are the single subject in the picture. When it's a group photo? All bets are off. I honestly don't know why I even bother, but once a year I'd like a picture of all of us together. In the end, one of our goofiest poses made it onto the Christmas card, along with a few others, because, as my eldest put it, "that's more like our real family". It's true. We are nuts.

On Thanksgiving my son did a very graphic rendition of "I'm Sexy and I Know It", imitating the music video complete with pelvic thrusts and "wiggle, wiggle". It was totally inappropriate and over-the-top hysterical. I won't post it here because we've had our share of "stolen" pictures and I don't want it to get into the wrong hands, but if you're friends with me on Facebook, you can watch it and laugh, too. Or be appalled. Either way.

Today I woke up and my whole body hurt. My skin, my hair, everything. Flu? Not sure. I don't have a fever or stomach upset. But all of my muscles ache and I'm uncomfortable, which has made for a very unproductive day. I did manage to take my college daughter to coffee before she made the drive back to school. And I worried excessively, as I often do, over her driving across the mountain pass in icky weather. Jeff made the same trek about two hours later to pick up daughter number three and is on his way back now. I worry. I always worry.

And tomorrow is my first "official" day at my new job. I've already been there three days but technically as a "sub" so tomorrow is my first day on the payroll as a regular employee. I'm excited but anxious because I'm feeling so blah and I hope I feel better by tomorrow so I can greet the kids with enthusiasm. I am really excited about my new job.

I wonder what it is about "vacation" weekends that makes us so lazy? If we had family and friends in town visiting I'm sure we would have done a number of fun things. But it was just us. The kids were off doing their own things, one was out of town, and Jeff and I, well......we just were lazy. It's nice to just stay home sometimes and putter around and do stuff, but somehow this long weekend was a little TOO much relaxing. Jeff wanted to go fishing, but his buddies backed out. I wanted to go shopping but I ran out of money! But we still could have done any number of fun things for free, even just taking a walk in the sunshine.

Today I went through the holiday guide in the paper and made a list of fun (and free!) things we could do in the coming weeks to get in the holiday spirit. Currently my kids are cleaning in preparation for the indoor holiday decorations to come out (Jeff, bless his heart, already did the outdoor ones last week). Maybe once I see the stockings or our sad little $12 artificial tree we've been meaning to replace each year but can never justify the cost (despite the fact that it broke last year and fell on my HEAD), or the window clings we've had since the kids were babies in the windows, or the Western-themed Santa that dances and sings "Holly Jolly Christmas", or my Nativity set that doesn't match anything but I love anyway on the piano, maybe then I'll be more in the Christmas spirit.

Or maybe when I make that first batch of homemade Bailey's...........God bless us, one and all!