I don't f*cking want to!

I don't know why, but I always have a hard time actually writing out the "F" word on social media, or anywhere else, really, except in texts to my husband, so I put that little star there like that makes it any better. But, I really enjoy the "F" word as an adjective (and occasionally as a noun or verb) and so I continue to use it because it's really quite eloquent in its own way.

Now that I've explained myself, this post is about things I really do not want to do.

I don't want to drive my kids around everywhere all the time. So, today I didn't. Now that two of my three still living at home can drive, why should I have to drive anywhere, really? I already went to the grocery store today, so my daughter took my son to the dentist. And it made me realize how often I'm someplace I really don't need to be, except to be the driver. How many hours I've spent watching dance classes and baseball games in the rain, reading People magazine at the dentist (wait, that's actually a plus), being pissed off at the ortho because their WiFi sucks so I'm forced to read some inane parenting magazine, sitting in the parking lot at rehearsal because it's only an hour and I don't have time to go home, all my errands are done, and if I go anywhere I'll just spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need......you get the picture.

Sure, sometimes that's fun stuff - like when your kid makes a good play or sticks their cartwheel on the beam and you got to see it. I was never the drop-off mom - I stuck around to watch or help. But now that they are old enough to drive, does my kid really need me to stick around for an hour while they get their teeth cleaned? Nope.

I also don't want to make dinner. Like, never. Well, that's a lie - four or five times a year I'm struck with some domestic virus that makes me actually enjoy cooking and I glow with pride that I've prepared a home-cooked meal. But most of the time, I cook dinner because I have to. Or do I? It's not like I'm feeding toddlers anymore. No one needs me to cut their meat or scream at them to eat their vegetables. Everyone is capable of putting food in their mouths, even if they are too lazy to make more than cereal because taquitos take a minute and fifteen seconds in the microwave. So, DO I have to cook? Sometimes I just don't f*cking want to.

I never want to clean up someone else's mess. This includes cups, cheese stick wrappers, dishes that have not been rinsed off, discarded socks, and used napkins. But I do it. On the daily. I've spent almost twenty-one years running in the never-ending circle of cleaning one mess while creating another. What if I just stopped? Hmmmm...........

Some days I don't want to do anything. I just want to come home from work, sit on my ass in front of the computer trolling Facebook, or binge on repeat episodes of "Criminal Minds" or just crawl into bed and read a book. And, really, what's stopping me? Sure, there's the guilt that I "have" to feed everyone or do something productive. But sometimes, I just don't f*cking want to. And that's just fine with me.

Driving Miss Daisy............

So, here's the thing. I hate driving. Like, with a passion. I don't mind, nay, I actually enjoy, driving around town and anywhere that takes less than an hour. But road trips? Fuggedaboutit. I love GOING on road trips, but only if I don't have to drive. When I am a passenger I enjoy cozying up in the front seat with my blankie and pillow pet and taking nice, long naps interspersed with a little scenery-watching and some gas-station trips that are a good excuse to buy Reese's peanut butter cups "for the road."

I recently took a very long road trip with my husband. 1400 miles to be exact. We spread it out over three days and it was lovely! The scenery! The adventure! I only took one nap! And I didn't drive a single mile. When I asked my husband why he brought me along on this trip if he was just going to drive the whole way anyway, he said "for the company." I'm good company. But I'm not a good driver. Not like that - I've only had two speeding tickets and no accidents since I got my license at age 16. So, I'm a "good" driver, but I'm not a happy driver. Not when it means going long distances and/or driving in bad weather.

For instance, tonight I drove 141 miles one-way to pick up my daughter. She was visiting her mom on the other side of the state and the destination is our "middle ground." Mapquest says it takes 2 hrs and 15 minutes to arrive at my destination. That was about right. What Mapquest doesn't say is that it will rain and blow wind most of the way, and my car will suddenly hydroplane, leaving me panicked and confused. Mapquest does not tell me that on the way home, I will drive through miles of construction where the lines are "temporary" and, with the blinding rain and lights, nearly invisible so that I'm not sure which lane I'm in and I have to rely on my 13 year old son telling me I'm not running over the "lines" into the other lane. Add to this my son playing "dubstep" music at full volume and I am in serious need of a cup of calming tea, a chauffer, and my blankie and pillow pet. Oh wait, I'm the driver. Guess that rules out Valium, too.

I just don't like the fact that I'm on the road, going 75 or more miles an hour, in bad weather (or not) and I'm responsible for not only staying awake the whole time (ugh) but also taking care not to injure or kill my passengers by doing something stupid like, say, drifting into the other lane when I can't see the lines on the road. Or hydroplaning into a semi truck. Those kinds of things haunt me. Not to mention being on deer alert. I'm always expecting a strapping buck to come springing across the road in front of me in the dark. What would happen? Would I punt him across the freeway? Or would one of his antlers impale my eye? These are the things I think about as I white-knuckle it down the freeway.

I can tell that long distance freeway driving in bad weather causes me anxiety by the fact that I was unable to eat my hamburger that we picked up on our way because it would require taking my hands off the wheel for 3-4 seconds. When I'm driving around town I can text, eat and change the radio station all at once (kidding....about the texting part. Except at red lights. Heh.) The thing is, I am normally a very relaxed driver. I'm aware, I don't get too distracted, I know my way around and I don't even panic when I'm in an unfamiliar city because I know that I can just turn around at the next light or stop at a gas station for directions. But when I'm on the open road? Where there's not "civilization" for miles? (And by civilization, I mean at least a couple of national gas chains and a McDonald's, if not a Starbucks or at least a 7-11). I imagine all sorts of peril. I feel the need to stock my car with three days' worth of canned food and water, snow chains, heavy gloves, an emergency kit and perhaps a gun to ward off the creepy guy who might stop to give me a hand while I stare at my flat tire because I've never changed a flat tire.

Full disclosure: my leg got tired driving tonight because I could not figure out how to turn on my cruise control. I've owned my van since 2007 and I have never used the cruise control. And even if I did figure it out, I'd probably tap my brakes so many times it would cancel out any benefit of the chance to rest my foot now and then. And because I didn't have it on cruise control, my speed fluctuated from 65-85. Yeah, I know. I'm THAT person. At least I tried to get out of the way when I saw headlights bearing down on me.

So, I started thinking on the way home - do I just need "exposure therapy" to get over this loathe of driving more than an hour on the road? Do I just need a few long road trips, or perhaps one hellacious 24 hour trip to, say, California, to make me say "aw, it wasn't that bad!" Or do I just embrace the fact that I hate driving and be content with my little old lady mentality to keep it to the side roads and stay inside when it snows? Is it in my budget to hire a nice man to drive this Miss Daisy?

Thank God for my husband who doesn't mind driving. And if he's not around? Next time I'll spring for a plane ticket for my daughter. Because the airport is only 40 minutes away.

In defense of the minivan.......

I know a few moms of young kids (Sydney, ahem) and a few moms-to-be who are still young and idealistic enough to say "I will NEVER drive a minivan!" We've all been there, we veteran minivan moms, back in the day when we had a cute body, a cute baby and a cute little car to drive around. Then came more kids. And let's face it, once you hit three kids, you NEED a minivan.

Why? you ask. Let me tell you a little story. Back in 1995, when I was nearly nine months pregnant with my second child, I was driving around a Honda Civic with no air conditioning. I loved that little car, and the gas mileage couldn't be beat, but I was very pregnant. It was summer. I was hot and cranky. I wanted a new car. Being proactive and a planner, I researched my options and VERY reluctantly decided on a minivan. It was all the rage. My friends had them. Why not join the club? Except I said I'd NEVER drive a minivan. So, to console myself, I bought a red one. Red means fast. Red means cool. Red means "look at me, I'm a mom in a minivan!" So much for planning.

But then.....I started to like that minivan. Plenty of room to buckle kids in and out of car seats, plenty of room for the arsenal of diaper bags, snacks, activities, extra blankets, stuffed animals and pacifiers that accompanied us on a long trip to.....the grocery store. Plenty of space in the back for the burgeoning grocery load that came along with my growing family. Plus, the seats folded down for that occasional trip to Home Depot for a large piece of plywood or Toys R Us for that big swingset for the backyard. Handy!

But the true beauty of the minivan is...........the road trip! We started to drive to Idaho a lot to visit family and there was plenty of space for all of our travel needs and then some. As the kids got older, camping trips were included. That van was packed to the gills with camping needs, kids' feet perched on sleeping bags, a cooler separating squabbling siblings. We even added a car-top carrier! Modern-day Beverly Hillbillies.

We still drive that red minivan, although it's on its last legs (wheels?). We upgraded to a brand-spankin' new minivan in 2007. That van has doubled as a bus, a camping vehicle, a hotel, and a truck. On long trips, there's nothing more peaceful than space between siblings and a DVD player. It has something like 843 cup holders and all manner of pockets and compartments in which to lose mittens and french fries. The seats fold down and stow away in the floor of the van. The back has a recessed compartment deep enough to hide a teenager crouching down, waiting to scare the bejeezus out of her unsuspecting siblings when they settle themselves in the back seat. The doors slide open and shut with the touch of a button and there's one on BOTH sides of the van (unlike our older van which has just one, manual sliding door. A neighbor child once stood on the side of the van with no door looking confused and asked how to get in the van. When I explained there was only one sliding door she looked at me disdainfully and said "Oh, you have one of those oldy-timey vans!").

With a minivan, we can cram eight kids, four days' worth of camping gear and three dogs into it's cavernous interior. We can haul six teenagers and two adults to a football game. We can put a movie on, flip a switch and have the kids don wireless headphones while we adults up front indulge in our favorite music or enjoy a conversation in complete peace. If it only came with one of those handy dividers like taxi cabs, we'd be set! The kids could beat each other senseless in the back seat and we'd be none the wiser in our soundproof booth up front.

Our minivan has a handy rack that can hold four bikes, a top that can support two kayaks, and a hitch that can pull our camper over hill and dale to various destinations. It's essentially our second home. I have stashed in the van both food and water, extra makeup, first aid kits, enough reusable grocery bags to last a lifetime, an arsenal of DVDs and CDs, sunscreen, a garbage bag for each row, extra gloves, napkins, an emergency kit, extra dog leashes, coupon books, flashlight, multipurpose tool, extra coats, beach towels and handiwipes. If needed, we could live in the minivan. For six hours. Give or take.

I normally drive the nice, newer minivan, but I occasionally find myself driving the old one. It's the same age as my high school junior. That van holds a lot of memories. Driving my newborns home from the hospital. The time my oldest got mad at me and threw her entire orange soda at me while I was driving (there are still stains on the ceiling). The time I slammed the van in park in the middle of traffic to rush around, yank the sliding door open and kill an ant that was threatening the life of my toddler (or at least it seemed so from the screams). The van that was so stuffed with crap on a trip across the mountains that one of the kids accidentally kicked out a Nintendo DS into a parking lot, never to be seen again. The van that suffered a broken headlight the first month we owned it (likely from someone backing into it in a parking lot) that has NEVER been fixed. That van saved my freezing ass more than once on a camping trip when I was so cold I thought I'd die and retreated to the relative warmth of the van (and it's inadequately long bench seats). I've spilled more coffee in that van than I care to mention. I've hauled so many kids on so many trips - to the beach, park, playground, vacations, school. I once drove that van away while my own daughter was putting her backpack in it, thinking she was already in the car!

The van was purchased when my oldest was just two and it became her first car. I don't even want to know what all went on in that van before she left for college, but I will say I've never seen a dirtier vehicle, nor found so many disgusting things in it (two month old Taco Bell anyone? It's just a little fuzzy). It smelled like a rotting corpse. My daughter consistently ran it out of gas and was involved in a four-car accident last Valentine's day. But the van is still going strong. Scars and all. It has a cracked engine head......so it could "die" at any given moment, but we rather enjoy limping it along until it craps out on the highway one day.

My point is this: if you have three or more children, get a minivan. For your own sanity. So they can bring friends along. So you can drive the carpool. Invest in an entertainment system. So, when you're hauling your offpsring along on a 300 mile road trip, you can enjoy the open road while they are glued to a DVD. It's peaceful. It's fun. It's roomy. Get over yourself. Just get a minivan.