I've been doing a lot of laundry the past couple of days. The good news is it's almost all done. The bad news, of course, is that as soon as I say that I'm a liar because there are the clothes we're wearing, and the towels we're using, and the kitchen towels, and.......well, you know. The laundry is never done.
What I've found is that when all the towels are clean, there is no room in the linen closet for all the towels. Good thing we're usually desperately low on towels - not because we don't have enough, but because my kids enjoy hoarding them on their bathroom floor and in their bathroom laundry basket. And in their rooms. And who knows where else? I wash the towels but only the ones that actually make it to the laundry room. The kids know this, but they will take it to the extreme - not only will they NOT run a load of towels, but they will use up all the beach towels, the hand towels, and probably all the wash clothes before they'll wash a towel for their own use.
When all of my clothes are clean, I run short on hangers. And I have a LOT of hangers. Still, today, I was twelve hangers short and had to raid the kids' closets. Which, unsurprisingly, contain large numbers of empty hangers. We're all hanger hoarders now that everyone does their own laundry. Used to be that I would do all the laundry and I kept a huge stash of hangers in the laundry room. Now, they're a hot commodity.
I also ran a load of miscellaneous clothing that I find randomly on the laundry room floor after the kids "do" their laundry. When I took it out of the dryer, I found that it was mostly just a bunch of random socks. I'm unsure what to do with these since my kids haven't matched their socks in years. They simply don't care if their socks match or not, and in the case of my son, who wears pretty much only white socks, he doesn't care if they are the same type of sock (long, short, brand names don't match). I've had this basket of random socks for YEARS. I'm not kidding - some of these socks would barely fit a toddler. My youngest child is 15 and wears a size 13 shoe. I want to just toss the whole lot of them, but I just know that will be the time I'll find their long-lost partners. So I keep them. And I keep keeping them. What is wrong with me?
I also rather enjoy folding towels. I have no idea why. I don't like folding other clothes and I especially hate hanging clothes, but I love washing, drying and folding towels. Probably because it's so orderly and can be done in a short amount of time. So unlike everything else in my life. Towels are like my little nirvana.
But laundry is a thorn in my side. For one thing, you have to catch the dryer ending its cycle or the clothes end up all wrinkled. I've had baskets of clothes waiting in limbo for a week needing to be put back in the dryer on the "dewrinkle" cycle. Because I do NOT iron. Ever. So, you can imagine how that goes in my house - the cycle seems never-ending because I go into the Great Laundry Fight with the best of intentions but then I get busy or bored or too tired to finish and so the clothes sit wrinkled waiting for another go 'round with the dryer. And on and on.
Laundry - it's a necessary evil and unnecessarily evil.
Showing posts with label laundry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laundry. Show all posts
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saturday, March 3, 2012
You're doing it wrong......
Today, for your reading pleasure, I will provide a tutorial for all the things you are obviously doing wrong around the house. Through careful research and observation, I have learned what is, clearly, the "right" way to do things, because I am outnumbered in my home by people who do them this way.
First of all: cereal. If you enjoy cereal from time to time, you have probably observed the obviously faulty packaging. The cereal itself is packaged in a waxy bag that, once opened, can no longer be closed. In fact, just the opening part is challenging, and one must rip and/or cut it with scissors in such a way that most of the cereal will now fall INTO the box instead of OUT of it. Very disconcerting. Then, the box itself has a design flaw in that one is expected to push a tiny tab of cardboard into an equally tiny slit in the cardboard on the other side of the box. IMPOSSIBLE, I say! My genius children have discovered a way to get around these confounding problems. They simply leave the box open and the bag gaping. That way, the next time they want cereal, they don't have to take ANY extra steps to get to the flakes inside the box. What if they become stale, you say? No problem! They simply don't eat the cereal, leave the box standing wide open for months, until which time mom pours the stale wares into a giant ziploc bag labeled "duck food". Yay for feeding the ducks! I think next time I go to the store, I'll buy the most expensive box of cereal and just pour it directly into the retention pond at the end of my block. Same difference.
Now, let's move on to cheese sticks. Those darn things are SO convenient. They are low-fat, nutritious, and conveniently packaged in an easy-to-open plastic wrapper. Now, I prefer to open the package slowly as I bite each piece of cheese and when I'm done, place the plastic wrapper in a proper trash receptacle. My children, however, prefer to rip the whole thing off at once, devour the cheese and throw the wrapper on the floor. Yes, the floor. This astounds you? Clearly this is the proper place to put a cheese stick wrapper, because there's been one on my floor since yesterday morning. In the hallway. Nestled in a bundle of dog hair. A mere few feet away, my kitchen is spotless. But, alas, there is dog hair and a cheese stick wrapper in the hallway. Who put it there? That is the great mystery. Why? Because it's the right way to do it! How long will it lay there? Until I, and only I, stoop over and pick it up. Because no one else in this house can see it.
Now, here's how you do laundry. You wear your clothes until you have nothing left. Then, you borrow underwear from your stepdad's drawer because you are too lazy to wash your own, and you don't want to go commando. You stop wearing socks, insisting that the "no-sock" look is now in fashion, and you pull a sweatshirt out of the dirty laundry numerous times until that fateful day when you get an actual obvious stain on it that you can't hide and now you're really f*cked. What to do? You hoodwink your mom into believing you no longer have any clothes that fit. You mention this when you're at Target, exactly when you're passing the display of t-shirts that are on sale for $8 each, and after getting mom to buy a couple of those for you, you mention that your jeans don't fit and here are a pair on sale, and by the way, you could use some new underwear. Mom, under the influence of the hazy glare of Target lights and screamin' deals, buys you what accounts for a new wardrobe and you get a few more weeks' worth of clothing without ever having to touch laundry soap. Eventually, though, you WILL have to wash something. So, the best way to do it is to cram everything into the washer (lights and darks be damned), and make it really, really full so that when the spin cycle starts, everyone in the house resorts to "duck, cover and hold" because the whole-house shaking MUST be an earthquake. But no, whew, it's just the washer going off-balance again! After the clothes are dried, leave them in the dryer indefinitely and use that as your personal closet until someone finally puts your clothes in a basket because THEY need the washer and dryer. After that, use the basket as your closet, and if, by some rude chance, someone actually dumps your clothes onto a clean blanket on your floor because they need the basket, do NOT, by any means, finally hang and/or fold anything! Simply walk all over the clothes for another two weeks until you decide they are "gross" and need to be washed again. Repeat washer-stuffing process or trick mom into a shopping trip to Target. Repeat. Repeat.
Here's another fun cleaning tip for the bathroom. Whilst brushing your teeth, it's always fun to try and dribble a spitty blob of toothpaste directly into the sink, or, even better, ON the spigot. Leave it there indefinitely, adding blobs from time to time and see what a fun sculpture you can build with just toothpaste and your own spit! What? You were rinsing it down all this time? Fool!
And lastly, here's a fun decorating tip for the kitchen and surrounding area. Every time you open a package or unwrap a piece of candy or gum, leave the wrapper (or those colorful tear-off strips) lying around all over - the counters, table, floor, coffee table. These will add a pop of color to your otherwise boring decor, and provide a nice little treat for the dog from time to time, which can result in the most amazing and colorful dog poopies you've ever seen! In addition, they sometimes blow off the counter, mix with dog hair and make colorful "dust bunnies" (or "dust puppies"?) which scurry up and down your hallway in a most amusing fashion. And if they're lucky, they will stake a claim and take up permanent residence, like the cheese stick wrapper currently in my hallway. Come by and say "hey" to our newest resident!
I hope this has been helpful. I hope you have not been straining yourself by doing foolish things like closing cereal boxes, picking up trash off the floor, wiping up toothpaste accidents, and doing laundry regularly. That would just.....make sense. And who wants to be sensible in this crazy world?
First of all: cereal. If you enjoy cereal from time to time, you have probably observed the obviously faulty packaging. The cereal itself is packaged in a waxy bag that, once opened, can no longer be closed. In fact, just the opening part is challenging, and one must rip and/or cut it with scissors in such a way that most of the cereal will now fall INTO the box instead of OUT of it. Very disconcerting. Then, the box itself has a design flaw in that one is expected to push a tiny tab of cardboard into an equally tiny slit in the cardboard on the other side of the box. IMPOSSIBLE, I say! My genius children have discovered a way to get around these confounding problems. They simply leave the box open and the bag gaping. That way, the next time they want cereal, they don't have to take ANY extra steps to get to the flakes inside the box. What if they become stale, you say? No problem! They simply don't eat the cereal, leave the box standing wide open for months, until which time mom pours the stale wares into a giant ziploc bag labeled "duck food". Yay for feeding the ducks! I think next time I go to the store, I'll buy the most expensive box of cereal and just pour it directly into the retention pond at the end of my block. Same difference.
Now, let's move on to cheese sticks. Those darn things are SO convenient. They are low-fat, nutritious, and conveniently packaged in an easy-to-open plastic wrapper. Now, I prefer to open the package slowly as I bite each piece of cheese and when I'm done, place the plastic wrapper in a proper trash receptacle. My children, however, prefer to rip the whole thing off at once, devour the cheese and throw the wrapper on the floor. Yes, the floor. This astounds you? Clearly this is the proper place to put a cheese stick wrapper, because there's been one on my floor since yesterday morning. In the hallway. Nestled in a bundle of dog hair. A mere few feet away, my kitchen is spotless. But, alas, there is dog hair and a cheese stick wrapper in the hallway. Who put it there? That is the great mystery. Why? Because it's the right way to do it! How long will it lay there? Until I, and only I, stoop over and pick it up. Because no one else in this house can see it.
Now, here's how you do laundry. You wear your clothes until you have nothing left. Then, you borrow underwear from your stepdad's drawer because you are too lazy to wash your own, and you don't want to go commando. You stop wearing socks, insisting that the "no-sock" look is now in fashion, and you pull a sweatshirt out of the dirty laundry numerous times until that fateful day when you get an actual obvious stain on it that you can't hide and now you're really f*cked. What to do? You hoodwink your mom into believing you no longer have any clothes that fit. You mention this when you're at Target, exactly when you're passing the display of t-shirts that are on sale for $8 each, and after getting mom to buy a couple of those for you, you mention that your jeans don't fit and here are a pair on sale, and by the way, you could use some new underwear. Mom, under the influence of the hazy glare of Target lights and screamin' deals, buys you what accounts for a new wardrobe and you get a few more weeks' worth of clothing without ever having to touch laundry soap. Eventually, though, you WILL have to wash something. So, the best way to do it is to cram everything into the washer (lights and darks be damned), and make it really, really full so that when the spin cycle starts, everyone in the house resorts to "duck, cover and hold" because the whole-house shaking MUST be an earthquake. But no, whew, it's just the washer going off-balance again! After the clothes are dried, leave them in the dryer indefinitely and use that as your personal closet until someone finally puts your clothes in a basket because THEY need the washer and dryer. After that, use the basket as your closet, and if, by some rude chance, someone actually dumps your clothes onto a clean blanket on your floor because they need the basket, do NOT, by any means, finally hang and/or fold anything! Simply walk all over the clothes for another two weeks until you decide they are "gross" and need to be washed again. Repeat washer-stuffing process or trick mom into a shopping trip to Target. Repeat. Repeat.
Here's another fun cleaning tip for the bathroom. Whilst brushing your teeth, it's always fun to try and dribble a spitty blob of toothpaste directly into the sink, or, even better, ON the spigot. Leave it there indefinitely, adding blobs from time to time and see what a fun sculpture you can build with just toothpaste and your own spit! What? You were rinsing it down all this time? Fool!
And lastly, here's a fun decorating tip for the kitchen and surrounding area. Every time you open a package or unwrap a piece of candy or gum, leave the wrapper (or those colorful tear-off strips) lying around all over - the counters, table, floor, coffee table. These will add a pop of color to your otherwise boring decor, and provide a nice little treat for the dog from time to time, which can result in the most amazing and colorful dog poopies you've ever seen! In addition, they sometimes blow off the counter, mix with dog hair and make colorful "dust bunnies" (or "dust puppies"?) which scurry up and down your hallway in a most amusing fashion. And if they're lucky, they will stake a claim and take up permanent residence, like the cheese stick wrapper currently in my hallway. Come by and say "hey" to our newest resident!
I hope this has been helpful. I hope you have not been straining yourself by doing foolish things like closing cereal boxes, picking up trash off the floor, wiping up toothpaste accidents, and doing laundry regularly. That would just.....make sense. And who wants to be sensible in this crazy world?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Laundry
Today I'm going to make everyone start doing their own laundry. I've given everyone a day - Monday daytime it's my laundry, Monday evening, Hayley, Tuesday, Hannah, Wednesday, Harrison, Thursday daytime my turn to do towels and sheets, etc., Thursday evening, Arlie and Friday, Jeff with weekends open for catching up. We'll see how it goes. It will be a HUGE adjustment since everyone has been enjoying this "service" forever, but it will be good for them all to do their own laundry and learn to do it right.
Why am I doing this, you ask? (Ok, maybe you didn't but I'm going to tell you anyway). Let me list the reasons:
1. crusty, balled up socks
2. nasty underwear
3. inside-out clothes
4. all the clothes arriving in a HUGE pile, because no one ever thinks to empty their laundry bin a little at a time (this usually happens on a day we're getting ready for a party and cleaning the house)
5. clean clothes arriving in the laundry on a regular basis (yes, folded socks, folded underwear, tops and pants not worn in ages, but tried on, discarded on the floor, then hastily scooped up once a month or so when they decide to clean their rooms - usually under duress)
6. using the laundry room as their personal closet. Yes, they all look for clean clothes in there, snatch them off the hangers in their haste in the morning and ignore the chore list that says "put your clean laundry away"
7. having a general disrespect and disregard for the HUGE job that laundry is and not showing any appreciation for the hours and hours I spend doing it
So, now everyone (yes, everyone, even Jeff) will get to do their own laundry. I've posted a list of instructions on how to do your own laundry above the washer and dryer. They can all read, so they can figure it out. If their whites turn pink or their lights get dingy from washing with darks, it will be their own problem. And just WAIT till they have to fold and hang their own clothes! Oh my. Perhaps they will be a bit more conservative and wear their jeans more than once, or not toss a shirt tried on but not worn into the laundry hamper.
I know there will be hell. Someone will need something and want the washer RIGHT NOW and there will be fights and tears and someone will be pulling clothes out of the dirty hamper because they didn't follow through on their chore. And that will be the natural consequences that will lead to learning. Hopefully. But the way I see it, it's a life skill they can all use and it might as well start now.
Why am I doing this, you ask? (Ok, maybe you didn't but I'm going to tell you anyway). Let me list the reasons:
1. crusty, balled up socks
2. nasty underwear
3. inside-out clothes
4. all the clothes arriving in a HUGE pile, because no one ever thinks to empty their laundry bin a little at a time (this usually happens on a day we're getting ready for a party and cleaning the house)
5. clean clothes arriving in the laundry on a regular basis (yes, folded socks, folded underwear, tops and pants not worn in ages, but tried on, discarded on the floor, then hastily scooped up once a month or so when they decide to clean their rooms - usually under duress)
6. using the laundry room as their personal closet. Yes, they all look for clean clothes in there, snatch them off the hangers in their haste in the morning and ignore the chore list that says "put your clean laundry away"
7. having a general disrespect and disregard for the HUGE job that laundry is and not showing any appreciation for the hours and hours I spend doing it
So, now everyone (yes, everyone, even Jeff) will get to do their own laundry. I've posted a list of instructions on how to do your own laundry above the washer and dryer. They can all read, so they can figure it out. If their whites turn pink or their lights get dingy from washing with darks, it will be their own problem. And just WAIT till they have to fold and hang their own clothes! Oh my. Perhaps they will be a bit more conservative and wear their jeans more than once, or not toss a shirt tried on but not worn into the laundry hamper.
I know there will be hell. Someone will need something and want the washer RIGHT NOW and there will be fights and tears and someone will be pulling clothes out of the dirty hamper because they didn't follow through on their chore. And that will be the natural consequences that will lead to learning. Hopefully. But the way I see it, it's a life skill they can all use and it might as well start now.
Monday, July 20, 2009
So many things to do.......think I'll blog!
So it's 8 at night and I have so many things to do. I totally bailed on Jeff's softball game. I didn't even leave him a message (of course, he hasn't called me either......) and I feel kinda bad because he's on his bike and I should really go pick him up.........but I need to color my roots because they are so gray and I just hate my gray hair and why do I even have to have gray hair and I can't afford to have it colored every two weeks so it's just me and a bottle of $6 Nice and Easy which Jeff calls Nice and Sleazy........so anyway, if I go color my roots then he'll call to be picked up and then I'll be all WET from rinsing and I might as well just take a shower after that because I'll already have to rinse my hair and it would save me time in the morning if I just get a shower after I do my roots......but then if I'm all nice and clean it would really be nice to have some clean sheets on the bed, which I've been meaning to do for like, three weeks (I know, mom, gross, but what can I do? I have four kids, no maid and a job......I just can't change the sheets every week)......and then if I strip the sheets off I'll have an even bigger pile of laundry and I already have all the blankets and bedding from the camping trip, which I really need to get washed straight away so we can put it all back IN the camper and put the camper away in the garage.....plus I always have other mountains of laundry to do, in fact just today Hayley said she needed more bras, but really all her bras are just being held captive in the laundry room and I haven't gotten to them yet...........and speaking of Hayley, she's off making chocolate chip cookies, which I love like my own children, and certainly don't need because I need to lose weight SO BAD.....which reminds me that we're going to the beach in a week and no way in hell am I going to want to wear a swimsuit because I might get pushed back in the ocean while people yell "save the whales!".........and anyway, I already ate some M&M's........and the kids are watching TV when really they could be helping clean this house which is so strewn with dog hair it's disgusting, I am talking CLUMPS on the floor, little mousy looking things that jump out at you......and speaking of dogs, Shade barked ALL DAY today...seriously, just barked and barked and nothing made him happy and I thought I might go crazy and emailed Jeff and said he needed to get this dog on some sedatives or I will go postal.........and then Shade got into a big bag of candy and candy wrappers and ate who knows what while Hannah just lay on the couch not even noticing it because she's been in a sugar coma all day because she ate candy nonstop for like six hours yesterday.......and so today I was trying to get the kids to eat all healthy......and hey, I just noticed that I don't think the girls remembered that their show is on RIGHT NOW and when they realize it they will freak........and I think I just ran out of things to say. Ok, I'm done.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
What I did today..........
I started my day out by going to yoga. I was wearing one of those tank top shirts with the built in bra (underwire and all, I'm no fool, no "shelf bra" for me unless it's made of reinforced steel!). Over that I was wearing a v-neck t-shirt (cleverly emblazoned with "peace" - SO very yoga-esque). Well, this whole ensemble, to my dismay, did not provide a lot of good coverage. I mean, if I am flashing MYSELF as I do downward dog, imagine what my poor yoga teacher, Tracie, must have been seeing directly across from me! There wasn't much I could do about it, either, so after class I apologized for flashing her for the last hour. She laughed it off but later put this post on my Facebook "Mary-Leah, next time.........TURTLENECK!" Ha. Ha. Funny.
So, after yoga I came home and the minute I walked in the door, the kids were dropped off by their dad from their overnight w/ him. I had a coffee date with Carla, to which I invited the kids, but Hannah declined (in favor, I guess, of watching the Harry Potter movies ALL day long.......). Hayley and Harrison came along and we browsed the University Bookstore while waiting for Carla to meet us at Starbucks. My cheap eye was immediately drawn to the 50 percent off table where I found, among other treasures, Obama paper dolls and a book called "Bigfoot: Exposed."
We had a lovely coffee date with Carla (the kids had Jamba Juice with free coupons I received at a PTSA volunteer appreciation lunch) and then went browsing at this cute little gift shop (danger, danger!). Of course, I had to buy, for my home, a handpainted sign that said "Not Under Construction: Kids Just Live Here" which I hung on the front door. Hayley begged me to buy her a sign that said "I don't do mornings" and Harrison, for some unknown reason, insisted on buying two puppets. Puppets? I put my foot down on the $120 handpainted puppet theater, but he did make off with a frog dressed as a king and a bear with legs (that was the selling point "he has legs!"). He says he's going to put on puppet shows for everyone. Okay. In the store he gave us a brief example and it involved the two animals arguing about which Chardonnay they wanted. Is it any surprise his friend recently referred to him as "the king of comedy"?
I came home and spent three hours at Carla's house helping her post photos on Facebook. Time flies when you're having fun! Then, I decided I really must go home and pretend to cook dinner. Well, I actually had to cook it, but you know, I had to pretend like I do this every night. I boiled up some fresh corn on the cob (ok, not really fresh, but you know, it had the shuck on it and all, who cares if it had been sitting, sweltering in a plastic bag since.......um........Sunday?). Add to that a couple bags of Trader Joe's frozen orange chicken and voila! Dinner. Then, Hannah said "I want a cake" so Hayley made one. And brought me the beaters and frosting bowl to lick. Which is why I've decided to put her back in my will.
Later, while I wasted time on Facebook and such, and reminded myself that I really needed to pack for camping tomorrow and realized - oh, the horror! - that I also had to bring FOOD for seven people and I didn't exactly go grocery shopping (you shoulda seen me throw crap into bags, I hope it's enough to feed us all for a couple of days.......), I finally decided to go pack and of course that led to doing laundry and folding stuff and hanging stuff and...ugh...that is just a never ending job. But I managed to pack my bag and fold and hang three or four loads of laundry as well. However, that is not the most exciting part, OH NO!
While I was packing Hannah yelled "Mom, Charlie is having a seizure!" so of course I had to go all 911 and take care of the situation because I am our resident medical expert and the ONLY one who will actually put the syringe up Charlie's butt to deliver the exact dosage of valium to stop his seizure, AND push a full syringe of water after that to deliver the dosage effectively. Oh yes, I put a tube up my dog's butt. And, no I can't even believe it myself. But, that being done, Charlie spazzed out a few more minutes, then hopped up and went on his merry way as though nothing had happened.
But that's not the best part, there's more! So, shortly after that, Georgette started growling at the back door and she NEVER does that so I got all excited because I knew that meant murderous intruder or wild animal, both of which would put some spark into an otherwise dull evening so I immediately opened the back door and watched the dogs go all Cujo. They ran back and forth all crazy and jumped on the fence. So, being the glutton for excitement that I am, I let them out in the park! Woo-hoo, showtime! They went nuts, running crazy and peeing on everything and I thought, oh this is good. This is like coyote or raccoon good.......and guess what? After passing under this one tree five or six times, I finally looked up and there was a raccoon staring back at me! He was so cute, with his little striped tail and bandit mask, almost cuddly. But I'm no fool. I knew that cute little creature would go ballistic on me in a second and rip my eyes out so I kept my distance (but of course screamed for the girls to come and see, because how many times does your dog tree a raccoon in suburban Bothell?). It was so "Where the Red Fern Grows" (except I didn't cut down the tree). And Georgette and Charlie ran in circles all proud just like Dan and Little Ann. Finally I decided we'd tortured the poor raccoon long enough and I put the dogs away, but then I thought, PHOTO MOMENT! And I ran inside to grab my camera.
But, NO! As I was rushing back outside, Nikon at the ready, a crane fly the size of Texas flew in the back door, sending the girls SCREAMING like Ninjas, running in circles and ending up with a crash as they locked themselves in the office. I grabbed our oversized fly swatter and proceeded to have a game of cat and mouse with the stupid insect (ok, it was more like a small bird, but still). I finally got him cornered and SMACK! He was done for. The girls tentatively crept out and screamed some more at his corpse. When I finally went out to get my photo, the raccoon, as I suspected, had hightailed it out of there and my photo op was gone forever. Damn.
But THEN, Harrison and Jeff came home from salmon fishing. Because, you know, when you're going camping the next day, you have all the time in the world to go salmon fishing off the Edmonds pier. They caught a giant sea star which broke the line. No salmon. So, as they are cleaning up, Harrison discoveres ONE leftover firework. A fountain. "Emits showers of sparks" says the label. He begs to light it, and even though it's after 9 p.m. I figure, it's just showers of sparks, harmless right? NO! It starts out all innocent and sparky as promised and then erupts into LOUD, obnoxious pops and cracks and booms which go on seemingly forever! We stood there, willing it to stop, as our neighbor across the street looked angrily out the window, holding the (presumably rudely awakened) baby on her hip. Embarrassing! I slipped inside hoping to avoid a scene. Or perhaps the law.
And so that was pretty much it. A little more laundry, a little more packing, tucking Harrison in, sipping the fruity adult beverage my husband so lovingly brought me in the laundry room "to stay hydrated", a shower (because, it's a hot mother ****er today!) and here I am, telling you all about a day in the life. Hope you enjoyed it. Because now it's after midnight and it's really a whole other day now. And I'm sure more adventure awaits...........but until then.............
So, after yoga I came home and the minute I walked in the door, the kids were dropped off by their dad from their overnight w/ him. I had a coffee date with Carla, to which I invited the kids, but Hannah declined (in favor, I guess, of watching the Harry Potter movies ALL day long.......). Hayley and Harrison came along and we browsed the University Bookstore while waiting for Carla to meet us at Starbucks. My cheap eye was immediately drawn to the 50 percent off table where I found, among other treasures, Obama paper dolls and a book called "Bigfoot: Exposed."
We had a lovely coffee date with Carla (the kids had Jamba Juice with free coupons I received at a PTSA volunteer appreciation lunch) and then went browsing at this cute little gift shop (danger, danger!). Of course, I had to buy, for my home, a handpainted sign that said "Not Under Construction: Kids Just Live Here" which I hung on the front door. Hayley begged me to buy her a sign that said "I don't do mornings" and Harrison, for some unknown reason, insisted on buying two puppets. Puppets? I put my foot down on the $120 handpainted puppet theater, but he did make off with a frog dressed as a king and a bear with legs (that was the selling point "he has legs!"). He says he's going to put on puppet shows for everyone. Okay. In the store he gave us a brief example and it involved the two animals arguing about which Chardonnay they wanted. Is it any surprise his friend recently referred to him as "the king of comedy"?
I came home and spent three hours at Carla's house helping her post photos on Facebook. Time flies when you're having fun! Then, I decided I really must go home and pretend to cook dinner. Well, I actually had to cook it, but you know, I had to pretend like I do this every night. I boiled up some fresh corn on the cob (ok, not really fresh, but you know, it had the shuck on it and all, who cares if it had been sitting, sweltering in a plastic bag since.......um........Sunday?). Add to that a couple bags of Trader Joe's frozen orange chicken and voila! Dinner. Then, Hannah said "I want a cake" so Hayley made one. And brought me the beaters and frosting bowl to lick. Which is why I've decided to put her back in my will.
Later, while I wasted time on Facebook and such, and reminded myself that I really needed to pack for camping tomorrow and realized - oh, the horror! - that I also had to bring FOOD for seven people and I didn't exactly go grocery shopping (you shoulda seen me throw crap into bags, I hope it's enough to feed us all for a couple of days.......), I finally decided to go pack and of course that led to doing laundry and folding stuff and hanging stuff and...ugh...that is just a never ending job. But I managed to pack my bag and fold and hang three or four loads of laundry as well. However, that is not the most exciting part, OH NO!
While I was packing Hannah yelled "Mom, Charlie is having a seizure!" so of course I had to go all 911 and take care of the situation because I am our resident medical expert and the ONLY one who will actually put the syringe up Charlie's butt to deliver the exact dosage of valium to stop his seizure, AND push a full syringe of water after that to deliver the dosage effectively. Oh yes, I put a tube up my dog's butt. And, no I can't even believe it myself. But, that being done, Charlie spazzed out a few more minutes, then hopped up and went on his merry way as though nothing had happened.
But that's not the best part, there's more! So, shortly after that, Georgette started growling at the back door and she NEVER does that so I got all excited because I knew that meant murderous intruder or wild animal, both of which would put some spark into an otherwise dull evening so I immediately opened the back door and watched the dogs go all Cujo. They ran back and forth all crazy and jumped on the fence. So, being the glutton for excitement that I am, I let them out in the park! Woo-hoo, showtime! They went nuts, running crazy and peeing on everything and I thought, oh this is good. This is like coyote or raccoon good.......and guess what? After passing under this one tree five or six times, I finally looked up and there was a raccoon staring back at me! He was so cute, with his little striped tail and bandit mask, almost cuddly. But I'm no fool. I knew that cute little creature would go ballistic on me in a second and rip my eyes out so I kept my distance (but of course screamed for the girls to come and see, because how many times does your dog tree a raccoon in suburban Bothell?). It was so "Where the Red Fern Grows" (except I didn't cut down the tree). And Georgette and Charlie ran in circles all proud just like Dan and Little Ann. Finally I decided we'd tortured the poor raccoon long enough and I put the dogs away, but then I thought, PHOTO MOMENT! And I ran inside to grab my camera.
But, NO! As I was rushing back outside, Nikon at the ready, a crane fly the size of Texas flew in the back door, sending the girls SCREAMING like Ninjas, running in circles and ending up with a crash as they locked themselves in the office. I grabbed our oversized fly swatter and proceeded to have a game of cat and mouse with the stupid insect (ok, it was more like a small bird, but still). I finally got him cornered and SMACK! He was done for. The girls tentatively crept out and screamed some more at his corpse. When I finally went out to get my photo, the raccoon, as I suspected, had hightailed it out of there and my photo op was gone forever. Damn.
But THEN, Harrison and Jeff came home from salmon fishing. Because, you know, when you're going camping the next day, you have all the time in the world to go salmon fishing off the Edmonds pier. They caught a giant sea star which broke the line. No salmon. So, as they are cleaning up, Harrison discoveres ONE leftover firework. A fountain. "Emits showers of sparks" says the label. He begs to light it, and even though it's after 9 p.m. I figure, it's just showers of sparks, harmless right? NO! It starts out all innocent and sparky as promised and then erupts into LOUD, obnoxious pops and cracks and booms which go on seemingly forever! We stood there, willing it to stop, as our neighbor across the street looked angrily out the window, holding the (presumably rudely awakened) baby on her hip. Embarrassing! I slipped inside hoping to avoid a scene. Or perhaps the law.
And so that was pretty much it. A little more laundry, a little more packing, tucking Harrison in, sipping the fruity adult beverage my husband so lovingly brought me in the laundry room "to stay hydrated", a shower (because, it's a hot mother ****er today!) and here I am, telling you all about a day in the life. Hope you enjoyed it. Because now it's after midnight and it's really a whole other day now. And I'm sure more adventure awaits...........but until then.............
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Makes me wanna cry......
As you all know, I spend an inordinate amount of time doing laundry. In fact, it's the never-ending chore that sometimes builds to incredible proportions, necessitating an entire weekend of nothing but laundry cycling and folding from time to time (actually more time than I'd like to admit!). Well, one cardinal rule around here is that the washer and dryer should NEVER be empty. If either are empty, that means there is no laundry to be done. And if there is no laundry to be done, then my children must have grown up and moved out because that is the ONLY reason there would be no laundry around here.....well, this afternoon I discovered a most distressing sight. Not only was the dryer EMPTY, but I realized the perfectly clean load of towels that had previously occupied the dryer had been THROWN ON THE FLOOR by Hannah in order to put her friend's shorts in the dryer. ONE pair of shorts. For that, she tossed aside an entire load of freshly washed and dried towels! Never mind that there was an empty basket on top of the dryer (oh wait, my bad, it had a FULL basket nested inside it so would have entailed Hannah actually having to LIFT it up, God forbid). Just tossed. And if that's not bad enough, this morning Hannah couldn't find her black skirt for a choir field trip. 5:30 in the morning is NOT the time to be finding this, mind you. She said "I thought it was on the hanger with my white shirt". Did she think to LOOK? No. So, she proceeded to paw through all the dirty dark clothes in search of the skirt (which was never found) and in the process, mixed up all the clean towels (that were really NOT clean as they were now on the floor) into the dirty stuff. I discovered all of this moments ago and am now rewashing the towels. This is the kind of thing that will, someday, cause me to lose my mind. Just the stupidity and laziness of it all. It is truly unbelievable to me how lazy my kids really are. Of course, I am now pissed off and plan to give Hannah the chore of folding towels - FOREVER. Seriously, why do I even bother? Sigh.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Disgusting Thought for the Day
I read online yesterday that every pair of worn underwear contains something like 1/10th of a gram of "fecal matter". The take away message was to wash your hands after pawing through your dirty laundry (presumably to wear something dirty, which something like 75% of people admitted doing). I'm thinking with all the laundry I paw through every day doing the wash, it's amazing I don't come away from the whites pile holding a healthy turd in my hands! (1/10th times HOW many pairs of underwear?) The bottom line is that doing the laundry is dirty work (quite literally) and it's a thankless job. Message to my family: you should be kissing my feet every day for handling your many grams of fecal matter without complaint. (Except that I'm sort of complaining now, right? Well, too damn bad!) Just a little something to gross you out and disgust you today!
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