Is there really any other way to take it?

Jeff was just going through his mail on his desk and said (looking at a magazine) "Oh, look here's an article about obesity drugs! Do you want to read it and learn something?" I mean, really? How else should I have taken that (how did I take it you may ask? By being offended and hurt because 1. I know I'm overweight, and 2. He's usually much more supportive than that)? He said "you took it the wrong way" but I'm not seeing any other way to take that. I guess it's time to look into bulimia or perhaps a nice bout of anorexia would suit me? Geesh, he's not exactly going to make the cover of Men's Health anytime soon. I recently read an article that said overweight women have more sex. And I'm thinking, really? And why? Maybe because they already know they are overweight so they just focus on being themselves instead of obsessing over every cellulite dimple? And those guys who always say "Oh, sure she's gained a few pounds, but I don't pay attention to that - I love my wife no matter what she weighs." Really? Do they? Maybe, but is it like you love your grandma even though she has an ample butt and wears flour sack frocks over her lumps and bumps? Or do they really love their wives in a husbandly kind of way, as in, my wife is someone I'm proud to be with? I have gained a lot of weight over the past three years, partly due to poor eating and exercise habits and the emotional eating wrought by a painful divorce, but mostly due to antianxiety medication that caused me to pile on the pounds, even though I was stepping up my exercise and eating healthier. Am I doing everything I can to lose weight? No. I'm not on a diet program, I visit Starbucks a couple times a week and indulge in a pastry, sometimes I eat more than one chocolate chip cookie. But I try to exercise regularly and I know I need to lose weight and I'm trying. It's not easy, as anyone who has tried to lose weight knows. It's a struggle, made even harder by bad genes (my whole family is overweight!) Seems everywhere you turn, everyone is trying to lose a few (or many) pounds, and it's hard! I WANT to be fit and healthy, and at a nice weight where my clothes fit comfortably. I'm not obsessed with being a certain weight or a certain size. I just want to feel strong and healthy. And most of the time I do. But what I don't need is a reminder from my husband that I'm fat. Or pressure to take drugs or have surgery to remedy that situation. Geesh..........

The Weight of the World

I've been humming along quite fine lately, although our lives are in utter turmoil with Jeff unemployed and us not knowing where/how/when it will all turn out! However, for some reason, today I really felt the weight of everything coming down hard. The idea that we might have to move, combined with the sheer terror of having to get this house "sell ready" was a bit more than I could bear. I mean, I'm all up for adventure, I've moved a couple dozen times, so it's not the actual moving that kills me. But when you add it all up.........I've lived in Seattle for 24 years, longer than anywhere else. I've lived in this particular house almost 9 years. That's a record for me! And I really like my house. I love the location, the layout, the park behind my house and my wonderful neighbors. Nothing I'd want to leave anytime soon. But after I stopped obsessing over selling our house in this crappy ass economy, I started to think about the huge What If? What if Jeff doesn't find a job before his severance runs out? What if we have to accept a job with a smaller salary when we were barely making ends meet on his previous salary? What if we lose our house? Aauugghh!!! It's all too much. Thus the cookies. For no reason at all, after I spent two hours at the school tonight running Variety Show auditions, Hannah and I went to Safeway and bought cookies. Not that we needed any cookies. We have some perfectly good Girl Scout cookies in the pantry. But we bought two kinds of bakery cookies anyway and I had three of them with a glass of milk while checking my email tonight. Like I needed that. Total stress eating. I even started my day with a workout, hoping it would give me more energy for my long day today (it did!). And then I end it by eating cookies. This is how I sabotage myself. And how I deal with stress. I just really hope Jeff gets a job soon. The alternative is too scary to think about. Denial, denial!

Why??

Why is everything so good so bad for you? I just hate eating healthy all the time. Honestly, I can't go a day without indulging in something that is probably bad for me in some way - too much fat, sugar, or chemicals or something! It's not that I don't like healthy food - I do. In fact, here is a list of healthy foods I like: salmon, whole wheat English muffins, avocados, tomatoes, oranges, apples, grapefruit, carrots, celery, lettuce, squash, green beans, corn, pork chops, chicken, grapes, nuts, oatmeal, peanut butter. And here is a list of foods that are not healthy that I like: Lucky Charms, Crunchberries, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, Starbucks tall decaf mocha, cinnamon scone from Starbucks, toffee almond bars from Starbucks, chocolate covered cherries, cake with frosting, chocolate chip cookies, frosted sugar cookies, various kinds of chocolate, Bailey's, fruity drinks with alcohol, beer, and basically anything that involves flour, sugar, and butter. See my problem? Why don't we all just crave healthy foods? I start the day out right most of the time - I eat a bowl of Cheerios with a little bit of honey and milk. Then, it goes downhill from there. Lunch will be healthy, with maybe a little "sweet" thrown in for after. Then, I need a snack around 2 or 3, which often involves a stop at Starbucks. Then, dinner. And as if that's not enough, dessert beckons me. Sometimes I resist, or substitute something like a bowl of cereal (sugared, always!), but mostly I like dessert. And now that the new year is upon us, and we're changing our ways, I'm trying to eat healthier. But it doesn't take much to derail me. The stress of my husband not being offered a job, or a looming medical test, or really any little bump in the road can send me to baked goods in a flash! Emotional eating? Yeah, sure it is. But let me tell you, taking a walk or "calling a friend" is no substitute for a pastry and coffee at Starbucks (bonus points if it's WITH a friend). Somehow it just makes it all better. For a while. But I really am tired of being a size 16, when not too long ago, I was a comfortable 14 and even a 12 for a good long time. However, even at this size, I find myself happy with myself in a lot of ways. Sure, I'd like to be skinnier. Sure, I'd like to look better naked (who doesn't?). But it reminds me of something my Weight Watchers leader once said "Honey, there's a reason we wear clothes!" Not too many people look good naked. So, really, size or looking airbrushed when nude are not my goals. I'd like to tie my shoes without making a grunting noise. And be able to do a certain twist in yoga that eludes me (I'm convinced it's because of my tummy flab!). And stop having to scrutinize my tops to make sure I'm not showing too much "muffin top". Mostly, I'd just like to not outweigh my husband! Or maybe just be able to borrow his jeans. Sigh.